People going NC for trivial things is cruel.

[likeamillpond]

l understand that some people have very valid reasons for going no contact with parents and in-laws for serious things such as abuse.
But lately I've seen some really bizarre reasons given for going No Contact.
Mil is 'interfering so I've gone NC
My parents drink on weekends. I'm going LC.
One poster is upset because her in law tells her how to hang her washing on the line and had the cheek to buy her grandchild a present she didn't approve of. No Contact.

Now there's a thread where someone is literally spending a milestone birthday all alone because she's 'NC wirh my family'.
Various posters have chimed in to say they've celebrated birthdays recently without family because they are also NC.
Is it a thing now?
I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.
Who's encouraging these people? Is it a trend?

People don’t go NC for trivial reasons - it happens after years of abuse and manipulation.

If you’ve grown up in a loving family where you can’t imagine wanting to go NC, then just be grateful and have some sympathy for people who have had to make a very difficult choice to protect themselves.

My grandmother was, accordi g to my mother, a crap mother. and yet she was a good grandmother to us. If my mother had gone NC with her mother she would have deprived us of grandparents.

It's current problems that make people go no contact though, isn't it. If a parent used to be a certain way but has now changed, that is a different situation to a parent who subjects grandchildren to the same thing that their parents went through.
To be honest I didn't really understand what my MIL was like before I saw how she was with my niece. I just thought she was a boring but basically well meaning old lady. Now I can see the effect that she has had on my partner when he was growing up. It's frightening. I wouldn't go no contact but realistically there's nothing positive to be gained from a relationship with her.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Somebody on here said the other day, that every tie their mil pisses them off they go no contact for a couple of months and that it ' trained' her to behave in a way they deemed appropriate.

Disgusting attitude. Absolutely vile.

I remember that comment. I agree it's vile to treat someone in this way. Doesn't it cross these people's minds that one day their sons will grow up and get married and they will be mils. But of course THEY will neve everr be interfering. As I said, I understand there are people who have very valid reasons for their NC. I expect I won't get a good range of differing responses because the very nature of this thread will maibly attract people who have gone NC. So all the responses will be a bit defensive in nature.

I would also like to add my grandmother went NC with her parents in 1935 the day after she turned 21, she married my grandfather in a desperate bid to get away from them as that was the only option open to her in those days. She never ever regretted it. My grandad by all accounts was a bastard but at least living with him she felt she wasn’t a piece of dog shit they needed to scrape off their shoes, her words.

If there is one thing covid has taught me, it is that my life is much better now I don't have to unnecessarily put up with other people and their bullshit. You don't need to make a big song and dance about going low or no contact. In my case, as soon as I stopped making an effort, I realised the other people on the other side didn't care enough to bother either.

It's not a new thing BTW. My MIL is in her 70s and she hasn't spoken to any of her family in years.

There is definitely more of a trend to go nc/lc. People are less tolerant of toxic/abusive people. It's not minor transgressions though.

Even something like the Menendez brothers and how the new generation through tictok seem convinced they were abused by their parents. I remember that trial originally and it was really against the brothers and how could they possibly say that about their parents. There is a definite shift and the newer generation are more interested in treating people with dignity and don't buy into "blood is thicker than water". They want to hold toxic parents acountable. Previous generations didn't do anything cos "it's family".

My MIL is horrible to me but I believe if I treated my son's partner the same he would probably go nc/lc with me. It's a societal shift imv.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Where people's boundaries lie is very much a matter for the individual. NC is no trivial decision. Some people may well be life's natural flouncers who cut off their own parents on a whim, but I don't imagine in general this is something done without cost and possibly a great deal of pain. A pattern I've noticed (and I've read about this particular situation a lot) is that the estranged parents almost always insist they have no idea what they did wrong. In the case of sons, the parents will also usually insist it's their wife who is to blame. The children of these parents are equally adamant that the parents know exactly what happened.

This scenario is so common there has to be a reason for it. It might be that the parents are as baffled as they say, but what they really mean is 'why has my child cut me off NOW, when I've been used to behaving this way to them all my life? What's changed, and why are these boundaries now in place? In those situations, a seemingly trivial event could have ended up proving the last straw. Equally, children can be abusive to their parents and the same thing could well be true in reverse. But the complex manoeuvring of control and capitulation is normally established in childhood.

FWIW - I was exceptionally close to my mother, and also had a good relationship with my FiL. My father was an abuser who once stoved my head into a door so violently he gave me concussion. I suppose you would say that NC with him was 'justified'. But a person doesn't need to go that far if they're constantly eroding your dignity and self-esteem. My MiL did this - or tried to, through various passive-aggressive means - for nigh-on two decades. I tolerated it for this long and now barely see her. There was no drama, no flouncing, no final straw, no withholding contact with the DC, no giving DH an ultimatum of 'her or me'. In the end I simply ran out of steam, emotional energy and all inclination to deal with her.

If NC within families is far too common, so is physical and emotional abuse. This I will not accept from anyone, shared DNA or not.

Thanks for explaining.

I agree that going NC over a simple disagreement/hurt feelings (when otherwise the person is lovely and cares very much for them) is quite cruel.
It's cutting someone out of your life and your children's lives, and I imagine it's very painful to be abandoned by your loved ones when you've done nothing to hurt them.

Family estrangement isn’t new. I know families where there has been no contact with relatives for decades. There is a huge taboo about it though, so people don’t always talk about it or the reasons.

The difference now, if there is one, is that you can now ‘block’ people from email, phone, social media. Previously you could probably only put unopened letters in the bin or return them.

You don't need to make a big song and dance about going low or no contact. In my case, as soon as I stopped making an effort, I realised the other people on the other side didn't care enough to bother either

Pretty much exactly this

I couldn't wait to get out of my parents' home as a teen. When I left three months passed with absolutely no contact, and I realised right there and then that I was much happier just not having them play any role in my life at all. The fact they never made any noticeable effort to get in touch with me down the years just confirms I was right to feel that way. It's not so much deliberately cutting contact, as a realisation that there was no beneficial reason to have any contact with them, and just letting things take their course naturally.

I’m NC with my sister because she reported me to social services (malicious btw!) is that a good enough reason 🙄

But can you imagine what they had been put through to get to the point of doing that?

It is hurtful to be cut off, but surely that person can look at their actions and see what they did wrong?

It's clear you have older children, possibly sons OP. You've got the hallmarks of a PITA MIL.

#sorrynotsorry

Just because you have only read a post about an occasion that seems trivial to you does not mean you have the full story. The trivial event that eventually triggered the decision to have no contact will have been proceeded by many years of unacceptable behaviour. Just because a poster hasn't documented everything that happened in the past doesn't mean it didn't happen or invalidate the reasonableness of their decision.

NC is self preservation. Perhaps people are sick of being made to feel like shit by their family members. The pandemic has likely made people’s tolerance lower.

The world has at times felt like a mess over the last year. People want happiness. Not to be dragged down by a relative who says and does whatever they want, regardless of the hurt they cause.

Judging people for it is a shitty thing to do. YABVU.

@Thefamilybusiness

Just because you have only read a post about an occasion that seems trivial to you does not mean you have the full story. The trivial event that eventually triggered the decision to have no contact will have been proceeded by many years of unacceptable behaviour. Just because a poster hasn't documented everything that happened in the past doesn't mean it didn't happen or invalidate the reasonableness of their decision.

ALL of this.

Agree that it can be the final straw sometimes.

I'm.quite anti NC dispite my own mother being a proper abuser. I'm talked beatings and mental torture.

But after 30 years of little digs from mil, I'm done and dont care to talk to her again. I doubt she cares either. She has much better options and was constantly expressing that so I dont feel guilty. She has literally over 200 wonderful friends so she tells dh and all of them.love her much more than us two. Dh can listen that without me. I'm rather busy keeping my own demons at a safe arms length.

It wasnt her final text really. It was the thousand papercuts before it as they say. After 30 years I'm done waiting to see a better side of her.

I will also be sure when I'm a mil not to micro manage my sons via my dil or compare the dil on fit and attractive they look. Sure way to make any person feel worthless

I should have gone NC the day she told me that I deserved my mums abuse as a child.

She is a grade one toxic bitch.

Sometimes it is the straw that breaks the camels back
I do agree it shouldn't be used lightly and sometimes accepting peoples flaws when minor or they have different opinions there are better ways to deal
We stopped speaking to mil 20 years ago then after couple years when I had my first dc, we made contact to see if better GM than Mum, and try again.
Tbh we had such up and down relationship which has caused more problems for both me and DH , DH didn't have a great childhood and why he accepts sometimes his mum was prob just trying her best a bit of admitting history would help and her not making out all was great.
We are now LC which works best, I expect nothing from her and neither does DH and that helps
DC are teenagers now and don't have much of a relationship but thats on her and at least I know we tried
LC seems to work best for all
Dh is also nc with his Dad but not through falling out , just his dad doesn't bother and never really has

I'm NC with a friend after she stole from me repeatedly then lied about it
Technically the last straw with my parent was Facebook but that had been building for years and now I've stepped away I can see how not normal and abusive a lot of the behaviour was
But if you asked me and I said "Facebook" you would be

I’m NC with my half sister. Because she was increasingly horrible to me for over a decade. I put up with it for a while because she was a teen when it started and I assumed she’d grow out of it. But at some stage you have to say “enough is enough, I deserve better”. The final straw for me wasn’t trivial at all, but I’m glad it happened because it left me with no doubts about not seeing her again. And I’m so much happier without her in my life.

As many have said, a supposedly trivial event may actually be the final straw. Don’t forget, the event being declared trivial probably suits the narrative of the person who was cut off. ‘All I did was [insert seemingly minor thing] and now she won’t even speak to me!!’ is the ideal way play the sympathy card. I bet my ex-friend who I ditched years ago tells anyone will listen that it was because we had a ‘bust-up’ over him not being invited on a night out. The reality is that him slagging me off on Facebook and sending me messages telling me I was being a cunt was just the confirmation I needed that he shouldn’t be part of my life anymore.

In any case, no one has to justify ‘going NC’. It’s not like you have to make a case or prove grounds for divorce. We can all judge someone who we think went down the no contact route too quickly or flippantly, but in the free world, you can’t force someone to have a relationship with their parents, siblings or anyone else.

Are the examples in your OP from mumsnet? If so, I think I recognise one of the threads you mentioned. If it’s the thread I’m thinking of, you have completely ignored many of the issues that the OP explained in the thread to make it sound like she went NC for virtually no reason.

I know a few people in real life who have no contact with a relative, me included. There are always reasons and they are valid. Everyone is allowed to set their boundaries and relationships are complex.

'So all the responses will be a bit defensive in nature.'

I read a lot of people posting quite personal stuff as to why they stopped seeing people.

What examples have you seen OP where it was really trivial? Not links. But like, cousin who I got on well with and loved bought me a batman Easter egg when she knows I like superman so I've cut her out of my life completely/ I want to do that.

Has someone gone no contact with you OP?

Why do these threads bother you?

Weekend I'm guessing it's the same as the threads that say MN decrees ltb over nothing.

Usually stems from their own issues I imagine.