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AIBU?

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Original poster

How do you teach someone to be better in bed...

132 replies

dancingstars · 12/04/2021 19:43

Without damaging their ego? Posting here for traffic and have also namechanged. I've just started seeing someone who is great and there's a real connection. We DTD for the first time this weekend. It's not that he's necessarily bad in bed but we have different styles; he likes it hard and fast, I prefer it slow and gentle. Also he doesn't spend much time on foreplay.

I've tried telling him 'I like it when you do this...' and he does it for a few minutes. I usually need a lot longer! So has anyone successful trained someone? How did you do it?

OP posts:
Manzanilla55 · 12/04/2021 19:48

I think some people just dont have lovemaking skills and cannot learn to improve. Sorry op.

For those who are keen to improve their skills they can however learn to be better more skilled lovers but they need to be willing and able. It all depends.

ghostyslovesheets · 12/04/2021 19:49

Honestly - is there a great connection when he doesn;t listen to what you want and can't even pick up that you didn't really enjoy it?

mooonstone · 12/04/2021 19:51

Be honest and upfront about what you like. Guide his hands etc in the moment.

If he’s a decent guy, why would it dent his ego to pleasure you? Surely that should turn him on and be in his best interests? If he’s not receptive then you’re not sexually compatible, and the question becomes: is there much point in continuing with this?

Clymene · 12/04/2021 19:57

How can he be great when he's just ignoring your pleasure?

VladmirsPoutine · 12/04/2021 19:57

Selfish men during sex is utterly a rage-inducing experience. It is possible to 'teach' someone but if you've spoken about it and he does it for a few seconds before getting his rocks off then I'd start to resent him.

Paul72 · 12/04/2021 20:08

You said "I've tried telling him 'I like it when you do this...'
As a man I think that is great. I want to be told when I do something right.

My advice is keep building on the good things and saying things like "that is so good keep going"

Tal45 · 12/04/2021 20:14

I would say 'I love it when you do x but it takes me a while to get going - could we do it until I'm ready to move on? ' I would also say 'I know you love hard and fast sex but I love long and slow foreplay so can we do both?'
If he still doesn't get it then it's time to accept that either sex is likely to always be crap or call it a day.

peak2021 · 12/04/2021 20:17

I cannot get the idea that someone who does not spend much time on foreplay is not bad in bed. You have a difficult task OP.

NoodleNooNoo · 12/04/2021 20:26

You say “if you want to get yours, I need to get mine. I need slow and gentle, after I’m done, I will be there for you ...”

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/04/2021 20:29

He sounds selfish rather than crap. That's not fixable (and I blame porn).

2bazookas · 12/04/2021 20:35

If he can't be bothered to please you right at the start of a new relationship, then this is not "a great connection". He's just using you.

Original poster
dancingstars · 12/04/2021 20:40

I am a bit worried that he might just be selfish in bed but I'd also like to give him a bit more time. I think it takes a while to get into sync with each other. At one point during the weekend I did say to him that I find it hard to climax through actual sex so you're going to have to help me. He gave me oral for a few minutes and then stopped. I'm not sure how much more explicit I can get in telling him what I need!

OP posts:
Kenshi · 12/04/2021 20:50

A lot of men are bad in bed, surprisingly so considering it's supposed to be something they love so much.
Like most things there it's possible to improve but they have to want to improve. I guess it's hard to say you don't enjoy it without it hurting. But being honest is surely the best way, and most likely to make someone wanrt to improve? Awkward though.

VegCheeseandCrackers · 12/04/2021 21:00

Have a session of no actual penetrative sex, just foreplay, oral etc. That way he will hopefully spend a bit more time exploring and doing what it takes to please you, especially as the foreplay isn't the 'lead up' to the main thing.
And then go from there. Hope this helps!

WeWereOnABreak10 · 12/04/2021 21:01

You have to meet in the middle. Like most things in life, its all about compromise. Sometimes hard & fast and other times slow & gentle.

Definitely guide him what you want him to do and if he stops, put him back there. Haha. Tell him you like foreplay and lots of. Maybe he's inexperienced in it?

MerryDecembermas · 12/04/2021 21:03

Lost cause OP. This is right at the beginning of the relationship, he is supposed to be trying to impress you at least a bit.

Dump and move on

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 12/04/2021 21:11

What Merry says. Sounds like he just wants to suit himself. Oh for those lovely guys who REALLY love to please.....

JustAnotherOldMan · 12/04/2021 21:12

You are just going to have telling him what you want, don’t ask, tell, if you want more of thing X, then say so, if he stops, then quit the session, or leave the room etc.

Boys are only ever taught the mechanics of sex and pick up the rest along with way, some pick more, some less, some don’t listen to what they’ve been told

AudTheDeepMinded · 12/04/2021 21:15

Agreeing with the majority here tbh. Imagine if the situation were reversed and he let you know something that he enjoys, would you try your hardest for him to feel pleasure and ask as you went along if it was right, keep going etc etc, or would you do it for two minutes to shut him up and then get on with things to suit you? You are going to have to be very blunt but even then you will feel like he is only doing what you would lie because you have made him and not because he wants to give you pleasure.

jimmyhill · 12/04/2021 21:15

If there's something wrong you have to tell him what it is, it's not fair to make him guess. Stuff his ego - if he really can't handle it what's the future of the relationship likely to be.

widthofacircle · 12/04/2021 21:22

What can I say ? Well if he really wants to give you a good time in bed he would want to follow your lead and learn from you about what works for you, that's the joy of discovery in lovemaking because in my view sex is not about self, it's completely about sharing something which above all else should be unselfish and fun.

Original poster
dancingstars · 12/04/2021 21:30

I'm definitely not making him guess @jimmyhill! Just running out of ways to tell him what I want without giving him a complex.

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 12/04/2021 21:34

If you have told him and he doesn't listen and you aren't sexually compatible I'd call it quits befire you fall in love and spend the next 10 years having mediocre sex.

KeeTcat · 12/04/2021 21:35

I couldn't have a connection with a man who's shit in bed and is not interested in my needs.

KeeTcat · 12/04/2021 21:36

@MrsTerryPratchett

He sounds selfish rather than crap. That's not fixable (and I blame porn).
This is true. A major major turn off for me personally.