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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you teach someone to be better in bed...

132 replies

dancingstars · 12/04/2021 19:43

Without damaging their ego? Posting here for traffic and have also namechanged. I've just started seeing someone who is great and there's a real connection. We DTD for the first time this weekend. It's not that he's necessarily bad in bed but we have different styles; he likes it hard and fast, I prefer it slow and gentle. Also he doesn't spend much time on foreplay.

I've tried telling him 'I like it when you do this...' and he does it for a few minutes. I usually need a lot longer! So has anyone successful trained someone? How did you do it?

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 14/04/2021 07:08

@TheSugarRefiner

Give it time OP. You only DTD for the first time recently. It'll improve with time and communication.
I have found this is true, most people like x,y & z, but for some x is the key, for others it’s y & z, but you to be prepared to listen and learn, sometimes takes a few goes to learn what someone new needs and wants
blowinahoolie · 14/04/2021 07:31

@dancingstars

It is! *@allblowinahoolie* - did you tell your DH or try to teach him through positive reinforcement?
I just let him know what I like, and he happily obliges. He gets turned on by what turns me on which is common with most couples. I tell him to go slower or don't press so firm etc. Be explicit about what you want. Good luck 🤞
Deathgrip · 14/04/2021 07:41

@dancingstars

I am a bit worried that he might just be selfish in bed but I'd also like to give him a bit more time. I think it takes a while to get into sync with each other. At one point during the weekend I did say to him that I find it hard to climax through actual sex so you're going to have to help me. He gave me oral for a few minutes and then stopped. I'm not sure how much more explicit I can get in telling him what I need!
That’s all you need to know OP.

This is the first time you had sex, you were very clear on what you needed and he could only be bothered for a couple of minutes.

What’s he going to be like a couple of years in?

If you’d been too shy to be vocal about your needs, I would encourage that discussion. But you have been already and he didn’t care.

And yes, he sounds bad in bed.

Deathgrip · 14/04/2021 08:10

@nitsandwormsdodger

Keep it Light breezy and honest I need lots of foreplay honey I love it what you did there ! Whoa that was great! just need tad more Also slow and gentle now and again , kiss kiss blow job ... you're awesome big man
Why the fuck should we have to tiptoe around men’s feelings when they’re being completely selfish?

I can’t believe a previous poster said you haven’t been explicit enough if you didn’t tell him to continue.

Did you have an orgasm? No. I’m sure he knows what an orgasm is. You even told him you’d been close and he made no effort to finish the job.

It’s not being unskilled but eager. He does not care. He is selfish. I have never heard of a woman acting this way and most men would be outraged.

I would have one come to Jesus discussion but that’s it.

Original poster
dancingstars · 14/04/2021 10:53

Thanks everyone. I'm seeing him again this weekend - almost dreading the sex now in case it doesn't go as I hope it will.

OP posts:
NobodyPuttsBabyinCorner · 14/04/2021 11:33

When I listen to my friends talk about sex both sides moan, I don't think many people are having good sex!

I've got the women talking about useless men, ED, size issues (esp after a few kids) and then the men are complaining about pillow princesses, rubbish oral and so on..

I think we're doomed to be forever underwhelmed, on the odd occasion the stars align and everyone has a fleeting moment of equal mutual satisfaction. It's like trying to capture lightning in a bottle.

My OH is very generous and always focuses on me first, but there are times I don't want to be the centre of attention and I want to be pleasing them first. How the hell they're supposed to know what to do each time when I don't know what I want myself, I'll never know!

Original poster
dancingstars · 14/04/2021 11:59

I think you're right @NobodyPuttsBabyinCorner. It's hard to have good sex. I've only had one partner who was amazing in bed. The rest were mediocre to average. I'm hoping there's room for improvement with this one as we talk a lot about everything including sex. I have said to him as well to please give me tips on what he likes.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 14/04/2021 12:14

"I'm probably being too impatient but my last boyfriend had ED so I feel like I deserve some good sex finally!"

I've had a very good sex life, I've had a few fuckbuddies, who would have been replaced if they wasn't up to scratch, as well good sex in relationships. I'm now with a man who has ED. I've never had a man concentrate on my needs so much. He's the first man to bring me off just by stroking. So perhaps you aren't asking for what you need enough and getting rid when you should be?

Crepescular · 14/04/2021 12:34

Show him some porn produced by women - that'll probably be the sort of thing you're looking for.

After all, if his crap techniques is a result of watching too much male-produced porn - as various people on here were quick to point out - perhaps he can learn to improve by watching porn that centres women's pleasure.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/04/2021 12:38

Yeah he just sounds selfish tbh, pleases himself and that's that

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 14/04/2021 12:48

I really hope you aren't faking an orgasm? That will only make the situation worse. He sounds like he doesn't care about your pleasure and that in itself would be a huge turn off for me.

blowinahoolie · 14/04/2021 12:51

I must be in the minority as the two previous partners before DH were also very good at pleasing me sexually. I had no complaints. They were told how I wanted it and obliged.

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/04/2021 13:03

A guy I was dating a couple of years ago, post marriage split, shocked me when we were getting physical when he asked me what I wanted him to do. I had honestly never been asked before and had never really thought about it. Once I figured out (with his help) what I did like though...well...let's just say I'm lucky he was keen to please! I think at the age of 40, that was my sexual awakening and although that one ended, I am very grateful to him to this day Grin

Original poster
dancingstars · 14/04/2021 13:04

My ex was good at getting me off with his fingers @Ponoka7 but it all became a bit soul destroying as he just went off sex completely and I felt like it became more of a chore to him to please me. When I was younger I was terrible at telling men what I wanted. I'm much better at it now.

I need to take a page out of your book @blowinahoolie. Maybe I'm making this more complicated than it needs to be. I did have success subtly training up one ex but I think I might need to be more explicit with this one.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 14/04/2021 13:10

I haven't met many guys that are not selfish in bed, ibhave probably had 2 partners that were amazing and listened to what inwanted, the rest didn't really care if I was enjoying myself or not. It's hard to find someone you connect with and are good in bed but if there's a connection both ways then you should be able discus what each other like and have amazing sex. He sounds like he doesn't really care what you want as long as he's getting what he wants.

LittlestBoho · 14/04/2021 13:11

He has to want to please you though, which might be a problem since he clearly wasn't bothered if you came last time.

Imagine being so selfish? He's basically just using you as a masturbation aid. He should be ashamed of himself.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 13:30

Why are your standards so low you feel you have to teach a man to be considerate of you and your needs? You deserve better. Someone said it once on here 'Women are not rehab centres for bad men'. You're trying to fix something that can't be fixed because this man is inherently selfish and doesn't give a shit about your needs, only himself and getting off.

Whatwouldscullydo · 14/04/2021 13:34

Thanks everyone. I'm seeing him again this weekend - almost dreading the sex now in case it doesn't go as I hope it will

If you are dreading the sex then you shouldn't be having it..wht are you doing it to yourself?

You owe him literally nothing. Take.it from someone who's had a lot of sex I didn't want, you cross that line and thats a whole world of feeling shit about yourself.

Just don't.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 13:37

@Whatwouldscullydo

Thanks everyone. I'm seeing him again this weekend - almost dreading the sex now in case it doesn't go as I hope it will

If you are dreading the sex then you shouldn't be having it..wht are you doing it to yourself?

You owe him literally nothing. Take.it from someone who's had a lot of sex I didn't want, you cross that line and thats a whole world of feeling shit about yourself.

Just don't.

I totally agree! You're more worried about his ego than your own self. You'll never have a good relationship until you fix that. I have also had bad sex and sex I didn't really want. I learned.
Nosugarmonster · 14/04/2021 14:20

Get explicit- move your hand here”oh yeah” “I like that, you’re making me so wet...” etc! Or just do the opposite of what he wants is don’t match him when he goes pow pow, grimace etc!

Original poster
dancingstars · 14/04/2021 17:43

That's a good idea @Nosugarmonster - not to just go along with his pace.

OP posts:
Nosugarmonster · 14/04/2021 17:44

Totally agree! It has to work for you too to maintain a good sexual connection! It doesn’t have to be mean! Just moan less etc! Think of it as training!

Original poster
dancingstars · 14/04/2021 17:49

Yes, I definitely need to be getting something out of this too for it to work!

OP posts:
Hm2020 · 14/04/2021 17:54

This one of the reasons I stopped perusing a sort of love interest I had we just wasn’t sexually compatible and I realised it was extremely important to me. The lack of forplay and him just not getting it... sorry op I think if you’ve tried and he’s not getting it I’d get out before there’s more feelings on both sides

Deathgrip · 14/04/2021 19:21

@Crepescular

Show him some porn produced by women - that'll probably be the sort of thing you're looking for.

After all, if his crap techniques is a result of watching too much male-produced porn - as various people on here were quick to point out - perhaps he can learn to improve by watching porn that centres women's pleasure.

If these issues are due to too much porn them I’m sure he will find porn that centres female pleasure unspeakably dull.

Personally OP I’d buy an OMGYes subscription, send him the log in and tell him to study up ahead of the weekend.

Poor technique can be improved, but being this selfish is unlikely to get better. You say he’s been in LTRs - very likely he was selfish in those too, and maybe women faked it to get it over quicker. Lesson: we all screw ourselves over when we fake it!

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