How do you teach someone to be better in bed...

[dancingstars]

Without damaging their ego? Posting here for traffic and have also namechanged. I've just started seeing someone who is great and there's a real connection. We DTD for the first time this weekend. It's not that he's necessarily bad in bed but we have different styles; he likes it hard and fast, I prefer it slow and gentle. Also he doesn't spend much time on foreplay.

I've tried telling him 'I like it when you do this...' and he does it for a few minutes. I usually need a lot longer! So has anyone successful trained someone? How did you do it?

@LDom

Gradually teach him to be more considerate. Do things to him that you would like him to do to you.

Maybe I'm too old and annoyed but men that don't understand that women's pleasure is actually something to do with sex don't deserve sex.

Too many men think women get pleasure from things we absolutely don't get pleasure from.

Sounds like an ex of mine.
I tried gently suggesting but he felt that I was having a go & being antagonistic.
So I just shut up & put up as apart from the sex he was great guy.
But after a few years down the line the sex fizzled out & he really wasn't that 'great' a guy so we split up.
Now I know no one likes being criticised but there definitely times that the person who is being told they could do it better this way, should listen.
If your new partner starts getting angry & won't listen to your needs, then I would cut your losses & leave.

So far he's been open to my suggestions but he just hasn't stuck to them. It's a shame as he's the first guy I've liked in ages and he's really sweet and attentive in other ways.

That's what I'm hoping @LDom! I need to learn how to appeal to this side of him.

And I 100% agree with you @Mistressinthetulips! I was hoping this guy would be different as he's in his 40s.

Think you’re going to have to accept a little dent to his ego as collateral damage.

He needs telling straight, this is a deal breaker - you need to slow it down and be patient or it’s not going to work. I’m not in the business of mediocre sex, I want a partner to blow my mind. And more importantly - I want a partner who WANTS to blow my mind. If that’s not you, then that’s a shame as we have a lot of other good things going for us, but I won’t settle for an unfulfilling sex life so I need you to listen and work with me without ego, or if you can’t/won’t then let’s move on and find someone we’re more compatible with.

You can Dress it up a bit more like ‘we/us/compatibility’ rather than ‘I need you to xyz’ but the end result needs to be him recognising that he’s not doing it for you, and he needs to start again.

With my DP, the faster he tries to go the longer it takes me, so he’s learned that if it’s not working out, we stop, he tells me it’s ok, we’ve got all night, we’re not in a rush, then we start again.

So rushing doesn’t actually help - more haste less speed and all that.

Next time your fella tries to hurry things along just stop, say I’m not really feeling it, and leave it there. As long as you continue and he gets his pleasure he has no incentive to do better.

Give it time OP. You only DTD for the first time recently. It'll improve with time and communication.

I know @TheSugarRefiner! I'm probably being too impatient but my last boyfriend had ED so I feel like I deserve some good sex finally!

A guy in his 40s who has been selfish and disinterested in his partner’s pleasure for all of those years is very unlikely to change. If he’s not being extremely attentive and focused on your pleasure now in the early days then it’s unlikely to get better in my experience. If you really like him maybe give him a little more time to improve but please don’t settle for mediocre selfish sex long term. I don’t understand why some men are like this, it’s so disappointing!

@dancingstars

I know *@TheSugarRefiner*! I'm probably being too impatient but my last boyfriend had ED so I feel like I deserve some good sex finally!

If you've only had sex a few days ago for the first time I'd say there is time to change but I wouldn't settle for mediocre either. If you've told him what you like and he doesn't listen or only bothers for a little bit could you say "don't stop just yet" if you'd like him to keep doing oral. He does sound a bit selfish and I think the pp who blamed porn might be on to something. Slow and gentle isn't what's trending on the main pages of sites like pornhub.

Hard and fast is also painful for many women if that's not what they're in the mood for and they're less likely to be in the mood for rougher sex with a partner who ignores or doesn't bother listing to what their partner says they enjoy.

Did he not ask if you orgasmed afterwards?

He did @AnniesAmazingEyebrows. I told him he nearly got me there one time but he didn't offer to finish off the job or anything which is not a great sign!

If he isn't willing to listen that is a problem in itself.
My DP was more soft and gentle which is fine to start with but I prefer it rougher and we comprised.

But if he isn't going to listen, you got a problem.

Could just experience, maybe he’s never been with someone who can express what they want.
The ‘shit in bed’ thing works both ways as well, I’ve had a few partners (not that many), and they have all liked different things, but you learn from each one and bring that to the next, one person I remember (she probably didn’t like sex or me ), would just lie there, no communication
, she was terrible

No idea . The one time I tried it didn't work, he got very defensive & I think the crux of it was he liked romantic sex & I get bored witless & then resentful with 45 mins of foreplay.

Guys who just get on and go like a rabbit hard and fast watch too much porn. They think ramming it in is sex. I don't think men like this can change unless they stop watching porn and basically relearn sex. Can you teach an old dog tricks? I'm doubtful.

My partner did this first time. We waited few months the build up was as you can imagine. He carried me to my bed and I was like here we go he's going explore my body but nope really fast rabbit sex. No foreplay. I was stunned as he was romantic and just pictured he be same in bed.

He had little experience. Only few sexual partners and probably too much porn and thought I'd cum from it. Was really strange but now he does stuff I've told him I like. So they can change but he will probably never be one those guys who gets really turned on most by you being turned on.

My partner still prefers the fast stuff but we've met in the middle.

You've hit it there, I think that porn has given a totally distorted view of sex to a generation of young men, having said that anyone with an ounce of sensitivity or awareness would understand the difference between using a woman for his own selfish gratification as opposed to enjoying a lovely sensual experience together.

Of someone isn’t paying much attention to the shared mood/feeling during sex there isn’t much you can do.

All the people I’ve been with who were good in bed had a sense that everyone is different and that you need to respond to the other person’s needs. And develop a real sense of nuance and connection between you over time.

It’s not about techniques/position/set pieces etc so much as it being an equal and open exchange.

He sounds at best mechanistic and most likely selfish, so I would just show him the door tbh.

I would be really concerned that he's in his 40's and still hasn't figured out how to satisfy a partner. This just sounds like someone only interested in their own pleasure, not a great prospect as a partner. The question is can you put up with bad sex if he doesn't get any better?

You can only teach someone who’s willing to learn.. it doesn’t sound like he is

I wouldn’t waste too much time trying to educate him.

Men and sex is a bit like cooking. You have men who really appreciate the ingredients, prepare them lovingly, use the correct equipment and take their time to produce a quality dish.
Then you get men who order a takeaway...no imagination involved and delivered quickly.

He sounds as subtle as a brick🙄

It's all about making each other happy. Lots of communication is needed to know what the other enjoys.

Men and sex is a bit like cooking. You have men who really appreciate the ingredients, prepare them lovingly, use the correct equipment and take their time to produce a quality dish.
Then you get men who order a takeaway...no imagination involved and delivered quickly.

This has made me smile this morning Great analogy.