How do you teach someone to be better in bed...

[dancingstars]

Without damaging their ego? Posting here for traffic and have also namechanged. I've just started seeing someone who is great and there's a real connection. We DTD for the first time this weekend. It's not that he's necessarily bad in bed but we have different styles; he likes it hard and fast, I prefer it slow and gentle. Also he doesn't spend much time on foreplay.

I've tried telling him 'I like it when you do this...' and he does it for a few minutes. I usually need a lot longer! So has anyone successful trained someone? How did you do it?

Wow to damn and characterise men who are kind and considerate lovers as men who have slept around a lot is nasty and unnecessary, also incredibly judgmental.

Well yeah wid

Consenting adults can sleep with as many or as few people as they like.

However in some circumstances utbdies become apparent why relationships don't last. Being crap in bed is something that you often realise later on, well the behaviours that probably cause it, are reflected In other ways in the relationship.

@noirchatsdeux

In my 35 years of experience, you can't. Even allowing for nerves, you can tell from the first time if a man is interested in your pleasure as well as his own. 'Hard and fast' men rarely are. You even told him what you liked, he made a token effort and then went back to what he wanted. In my experience, someone like this at the very start just gets worse - lazier and more selfish.

I'd thrown this one back into the sea now.

I agree.

And it has nothing to do with having slept with lots of women either. Some men are crap in bed because they don't care about women's pleasure and/or they are wholly informed by porn. It has nothing to do with how many different women they've had sex with.

he likes it hard and fast, I prefer it slow and gentle. Also he doesn't spend much time on foreplay

Shocker

@Kittykat93

I think especially for younger men growing up watching porn they just have no idea how to please a woman. If you watch most porn it shows the woman screaming in ecstasy squirting everywhere after about 5 seconds of hard fast jackhammering from the guy. In the real world most women need a build up and need a lot of clitoral stimulation done in the right way, not rubbed like it's been sanded down! I also hate when the fingering is done so fast it feels bloody awful but again it's what is depicted in mainstream porn. It's just depressing

I’m 23 and this isn’t my experience with men my age lol

Don’t tar every young adult with the same brush and make excuses for them. If a man likes you, he’ll put the effort in regardless of pornography

@Kittykat93

I think especially for younger men growing up watching porn they just have no idea how to please a woman. If you watch most porn it shows the woman screaming in ecstasy squirting everywhere after about 5 seconds of hard fast jackhammering from the guy. In the real world most women need a build up and need a lot of clitoral stimulation done in the right way, not rubbed like it's been sanded down! I also hate when the fingering is done so fast it feels bloody awful but again it's what is depicted in mainstream porn. It's just depressing

It's not as bad as jackhammer sex but I do agree that porn is responsible for a lot of crap shagging. I also think a lot of women are too shy/nice to speak up (I definitely was for most of my life) so these guys carry on thinking that there's nothing wrong with their technique.

And yes, fingering like they're pressing a lift button is a massive turn off too but so common.

@dancingstars

And yes, fingering like they're pressing a lift button is a massive turn off too but so common

I’ll keep that in mind next I use a lift

I have always been bold and ask for it how I want it. You need to communicate.

I'm trying @blowinahoolie!

Erm I wasnt saying it was every single guy...I myself am with someone who's not like this. I was just saying it can be common especially in young men.

Sorry that was meant to quote moonstone

Have the tried the “why did you stop?” Question....a head tilt here is normally effective too!

Don’t fake it and don’t settle for shit sex, you will regret it in time to come.

I told him he nearly got me there one time but he didn't offer to finish off the job or anything which is not a great sign!

There you go then, he clearly doesn't regard his partner having an orgasm as an important part of sex. If he doesn't care that he's not making you come in the very early stages of the relationship when he should be going all out to impress you then he's not suddenly going to start caring months or years down the line. If he's selfish in bed (which he very clearly is) then I'd be willing to bet that he's selfish in other ways which will reveal themselves in time.

Sounds like you’ve only done it once so far?
Give the poor lad a chance...
Takes time to build a connection. Sorry he wasn’t listening to instruction the first time but perhaps nerves/ performance anxiety was what made him go like the clappers.
Explain how you really want to have sex with him but you need a bit more time spent on you to really enjoy it

Keep it Light breezy and honest
I need lots of foreplay honey I love it what you did there ! Whoa that was great! just need tad more
Also slow and gentle now and again , kiss kiss blow job ... you're awesome big man

@SavageHenry

Sounds like you’ve only done it once so far? Give the poor lad a chance... Takes time to build a connection. Sorry he wasn’t listening to instruction the first time but perhaps nerves/ performance anxiety was what made him go like the clappers. Explain how you really want to have sex with him but you need a bit more time spent on you to really enjoy it

We had sex a few times over the weekend - I wouldn't just blast someone based on one time! I know the first time is usually not great.

@nitsandwormsdodger

Keep it Light breezy and honest I need lots of foreplay honey I love it what you did there ! Whoa that was great! just need tad more Also slow and gentle now and again , kiss kiss blow job ... you're awesome big man

I think this is going to be my technique from now on!

Hum.....my exh wasn't great in bed the first time we slept together and I thought it needed work....it didn't get much better!!
Other people I've slept with were great straight away.
My current partner was amazing immediately and 8 years down the line, still blows my socks off!!

DH always makes sure I come, always. Sometimes it's been with fingering, but more often than not PIV. I like it slow as well OP 🙌 DH always under strict instructions about what I want 😂🤣

Stop worrying about his ego and just talk to him.

Men are not mind readers, in bed or in any other aspect of life. Subtle hints don’t work with them. Spell it out for him. Be as explicit as necessary to get the message across, loud and clear. Show and tell him exactly what you want him to do.

If he ignores this approach and still behaves selfishly, he isn’t worth persisting with.

I'm loving this thread but I have no sympathy with my fellow men who are so clueless, we don't need to spell it out surely, use your imagination, find out how a woman's body works, listen to your partner and enjoy it for goodness sake.
I always, and I mean always put my wife's pleasure before my own, plenty of foreplay, take your time and explore, sex is about engaging all our senses not just your cock.

I think you're one of the exceptions @widthofacircle

@widthofacircle

I'm loving this thread but I have no sympathy with my fellow men who are so clueless, we don't need to spell it out surely, use your imagination, find out how a woman's body works, listen to your partner and enjoy it for goodness sake. I always, and I mean always put my wife's pleasure before my own, plenty of foreplay, take your time and explore, sex is about engaging all our senses not just your cock.

Hear hear🙌 great to get a man's perspective 🙂

It is! @allblowinahoolie - did you tell your DH or try to teach him through positive reinforcement?

There was a thread where the DW confessed in anger to never had an orgasm with her DH after 7 year's.
Speak up, if he is the type of guy who enjoys relationships he'll want to be sure he pleases you.
Our first time was drunk 2nd was awkward still going strong many years on.