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AIBU?

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Original poster

How do you teach someone to be better in bed...

132 replies

dancingstars · 12/04/2021 19:43

Without damaging their ego? Posting here for traffic and have also namechanged. I've just started seeing someone who is great and there's a real connection. We DTD for the first time this weekend. It's not that he's necessarily bad in bed but we have different styles; he likes it hard and fast, I prefer it slow and gentle. Also he doesn't spend much time on foreplay.

I've tried telling him 'I like it when you do this...' and he does it for a few minutes. I usually need a lot longer! So has anyone successful trained someone? How did you do it?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/04/2021 09:24

@MrsTerryPratchett

He sounds selfish rather than crap. That's not fixable (and I blame porn).
That's just what I was thinking. It's all about him.
HollowTalk · 13/04/2021 09:26

@Mistressinthetulips

Too many men think women get pleasure from things we absolutely don't get pleasure from.
Or maybe they're just not considering what gives the woman pleasure at all.
Original poster
dancingstars · 13/04/2021 09:31

How did you teach him @Whattodotho? Tell me your secrets :) We waited too. Not as long as you but enough so there was a lot of romance and anticipation so I am as stunned as you were!

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 13/04/2021 09:32

It's a feast not fast food.
There are ways to improve his skills there's not many women who enjoy a Jackhammer shag. Grin

EmeraldShamrock · 13/04/2021 09:34

Get some toys - have a session without intercourse - massage oil. Grin

LittlestBoho · 13/04/2021 09:36

Agree with the other posters; he doesn't get his until you've had yours. If he does half hearted oral for 2 minutes then thinks his job is done send him back there! Or tell him you're not ready yet. Don't let h continue until you're done, end the session if necessary. If he's still getting his rocks off he'll be less inclined to please you.

It does sound bad though, he's in his 40s and doesn't know or care about bringing a woman to orgasm. Yuck.

Alsohuman · 13/04/2021 09:38

@TheSugarRefiner

Give it time OP. You only DTD for the first time recently. It'll improve with time and communication.
This. Sex gets better with practice and as you get to know each other sexually. It’s very rarely perfect at the beginning.

Back in the day if someone decided there was no future in a relationship with me because the sex wasn’t what they wanted after one weekend I’d consider myself well rid.

SepiaTonedLove · 13/04/2021 09:38

I'm seeing a 37yo at the moment who has completely changed his moves. I denied penetration a couple of times at the beginning (I told him this at the very beginning of our evening together so it's not like I let things get heavy and then said no - he knew from the get go) and instead spent those nights focusing on mutual touch and massage. He tried his luck a few times but I was adamant and made sure to show him what makes me tick and then got him to do it. It worked a treat 🥳

RandomLondoner · 13/04/2021 09:44

I've tried telling him 'I like it when you do this...' and he does it for a few minutes. I usually need a lot longer

Have you told him to keep doing it until you tell him you've had enough? If not, you haven't been explicit enough.

widthofacircle · 13/04/2021 10:03

For me as a man it's the giving pleasure that brings me the most satisfaction, sex at its best is a totally sensual experience, I don't have to tell you that but any man who is only about sticking it in and banging away is not only selfish, he's also showing no care, respect or love to his partner.
I agree with the feast analogy, sex is a wonderful treat for all the senses.

LDom · 13/04/2021 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Whattodotho · 13/04/2021 10:56

Honestly OP. He got a bit defensive and was like ughh my ex didn't like that and wasn't happy to hear at the time but now he just does all things I like. Sure not the long oral I'd like but to be honest it's not so much a turn on if it feels he just doing it for sake of it if you know what I mean. Also I have 2 little kids so quickies are easier than some long session so hoping it will get better in future. Best way is to try comment on anything he does that you do like so he can focus on that more than just saying you don't like things as a whole 😂 like I would say I love it slower as I can feel every bit of you. That kind of thing helps.

TedDansononmyown · 13/04/2021 10:59

My partner was like this at the start. Years of very short relationships and being on his own meant he had quite a skewed version of what 'good' sex was. In every other area, he was genuinely wonderful so I didn't want to lose him, bit equally didn't want to settle.

I was brutally honest. I explained that I need x, y, z and that I got that his preference was for a and b but that wasnt going to get me anywhere. Past women may have liked it (or pretended to-didn't say that part) but I need different things. We spent a lot of time talking about what we liked and needed and then practising it...

He was really into it and keen to learn and please. After he told me that he was genuinely happy that I'd been so honest.

I think it only works if the person is willing to listen, reflect and change. It sounds like your guy doesn't get that you set the time limits of your likes, not him. It's funny how many men of a certain age think 30 seconds of oral is enough to get you off. I think that in some cases, they really do need told that it's not the case. If they care, they listen and change. If they don't, don't waste your time.

If the alternative is calling it a day and you don't want to, why not try the brutally honest and explicit approach?
You have nothing to lose.

Spaceprincess · 13/04/2021 11:09

The reason he's shit in bed is cos we are all afraid of hurting men's feelings.

You've told him nicely, he hasn't listened.
He's always going to be shit.

skirk64 · 13/04/2021 11:11

The only men who are good in bed at the beginning of a relationship are ones who have slept around with a hell of a lot of women. Men who are inexperienced in that regard - not necessarily haven't had a lot of sex, but have only had it with a handful of people - are never good straight away. Tbh immediate success in bed should be a bit of a red flag as far as the likelihood of a long term relationship goes.

I agree with the PP who said get some toys in and have a non- penis-in-vagina night.

nonflirtinghusband · 13/04/2021 11:21

Sounds like my husband, @dancingstars. He's a lovely guy and great dad but fairly clueless in bed. He does the same thing of e.g. going down on me for a few minutes and then stopping so I have to keep telling him I need longer. Or I'll move his hand and show him the movements I like and then as soon as I let go it goes back to the same. It really takes the enjoyment out of it when you feel like he's not taking pleasure in your pleasure. It's not as if he's completely selfish and doesn't try, but he does it wrong! At the same time it's difficult to just say 'you're crap in bed'.
I am getting to the limits of my patience and considering divorce. Please don't be like me!

suspiria777 · 13/04/2021 11:34

@dancingstars

Without damaging their ego? Posting here for traffic and have also namechanged. I've just started seeing someone who is great and there's a real connection. We DTD for the first time this weekend. It's not that he's necessarily bad in bed but we have different styles; he likes it hard and fast, I prefer it slow and gentle. Also he doesn't spend much time on foreplay.

I've tried telling him 'I like it when you do this...' and he does it for a few minutes. I usually need a lot longer! So has anyone successful trained someone? How did you do it?

i follow the mantra of samantha jones:

f me badly once, shame on you
f me badly twice, shame on me.

LittlestBoho · 13/04/2021 11:35

@skirk64

The only men who are good in bed at the beginning of a relationship are ones who have slept around with a hell of a lot of women. Men who are inexperienced in that regard - not necessarily haven't had a lot of sex, but have only had it with a handful of people - are never good straight away. Tbh immediate success in bed should be a bit of a red flag as far as the likelihood of a long term relationship goes.

I agree with the PP who said get some toys in and have a non- penis-in-vagina night.

I disagree. I think men who've had multiple one night stands are the worst in bed, because no women has gone back for seconds or been bothered enough to teach them anything.

Men who've been in long term relationships before are usually better lovers, because his ex has kindly trained him up already.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/04/2021 11:36

The only men who are good in bed at the beginning of a relationship are ones who have slept around with a hell of a lot of women.
Not necessarily more likely they had a good teacher and spent time listening.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/04/2021 11:40

@nonflirtinghusband introduce a pocket size clit vibration toy it might save your marriage. I wouldn't be without mine it's a guaranteed orgasm.

Whatwouldscullydo · 13/04/2021 11:47

The only men who are good in bed at the beginning of a relationship are ones who have slept around with a hell of a lot of women

Ive found the opposite. I mean perhaps the reason they have been through so many is because mo one stays with them.very long due to the awful sex.

Anyway I think you can usually tell the difference between selfish and crap, and a " it was the first time so a bit clumsy but we both want to and will work.on it"

The first u bin. Life is too shirt. The second, well that can be worth hanging in there. Sulking and being defensive is very much a symptom.of the first.

noirchatsdeux · 13/04/2021 11:50

In my 35 years of experience, you can't. Even allowing for nerves, you can tell from the first time if a man is interested in your pleasure as well as his own. 'Hard and fast' men rarely are. You even told him what you liked, he made a token effort and then went back to what he wanted. In my experience, someone like this at the very start just gets worse - lazier and more selfish.

I'd thrown this one back into the sea now.

nancywhitehead · 13/04/2021 11:59

Communication.

Original poster
dancingstars · 13/04/2021 12:06

Men who've been in long term relationships before are usually better lovers, because his ex has kindly trained him up already.

I agree @LittlestBoho which is why I'm so surprised as this guy is very much a relationship man.

@skirk64 definitely going to try a non PIV night! Don't want to bring in toys yet as I don't want him to just rely on those as the lazy way out

@nonflirtinghusband that's so frustrating! I can see why you'd want to get a divorce.

Think that will be my last resort @TedDansononmyown. Will see if I can train him up the nice way first but might have to be more blunt if he doesn't get the hint.

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 13/04/2021 12:15

I think especially for younger men growing up watching porn they just have no idea how to please a woman. If you watch most porn it shows the woman screaming in ecstasy squirting everywhere after about 5 seconds of hard fast jackhammering from the guy. In the real world most women need a build up and need a lot of clitoral stimulation done in the right way, not rubbed like it's been sanded down! I also hate when the fingering is done so fast it feels bloody awful but again it's what is depicted in mainstream porn. It's just depressing