As a hoarder, AIBU to ask how much stuff you've kept / thrown away

[BrianJacquesfan]

I am starting to realise i maybe have a problem...
Friends are weirdly cagey about this so is hard to ask them and get an answer.

Have you kept, for example, your old school exercise books? Text books from uni? Story books from your childhood? Your kids' clothes? Artwork / handicrafts made by kids? Your DCs old school exercise books? Christmas and birthday cards? Sentimental stuff e.g. cinema tickets, letters from friends, handmade gifts etc.? Jewellery you don't wear anymore? Clothes that you're too fat for? Old bank statements? Letters from HMRC etc.? Things "just in case" (e.g. 5 hole punchers)? Loads of books?

I guess I just want to get an idea of what is "normal"... as I said my friends are quite cagey and I don't have that many anyway 🙃

thank you for reading x

My husband keeps more than I do and has his old school exercise books etc. I'm the least sentimental person ever and don't really keep anything, I have one box of old childhood family photos and that's about it.
I make memory books for trips/holidays and put all the tickets and ephemera in pockets. That keeps everything tidy and together in a small space. Those books take up one basket in the spare room and they're a lot of fun to look through occasionally.

your old school exercise books? YES- but only art and English books where I’ve drawn stuff I was proud of or wrote “stories” I can look back on and laugh
Text books from uni? NO
Story books from your childhood? NO
Your kids' clothes? YES - but only in case we have a second- if we haven’t in a few years they’ll get given away
Artwork / handicrafts made by kids? 1st baby to young for this but probably would keep half of it
Your DCs old school exercise books? Again too young but I’ll probably keep most of the interesting ones
Christmas and birthday cards? NO- only cards with special messages or ones from my partner, or for example the last birthday card I got from my nan before she passed away
Sentimental stuff e.g. cinema tickets, letters from friends, handmade gifts etc.? YES but limited myself to one box, if something goes in something comes out
Jewellery you don't wear anymore? NO
Clothes that you're too fat for? No, apart from maybe 1 special dress that’s a goal
Old bank statements? God no, everything online
Letters from HMRC etc.? Keep the last one, Chuck everything older
Things "just in case" (e.g. 5 hole punchers)? NO Loads of books? NO- I read it and I sell it

I hate clutter but I definitely still have some, but you have to be proactive and have regular sort outs. My rules are don’t have unneeded multiples of things eg you don’t need 6 pairs of gardening gloves as there’s only 2 people who garden at a time- Chuck the worst 4 pairs. And don’t keep anything “just in case” unless it’s a scenario that you know is actually due to come up. E.g. oh I’ll keep these 6 pairs of gardening gloves in case we do the garden and have people over to help, are you planning on having the garden done in the next 6 months? If no, stop kidding yourself and chuck um!
Ohhh I love a good sort out 😆

@ElphabaTheGreen

My mum was a hoarder, so I’m exactly the opposite. If it’s not nailed down, it goes. I cannot stand clutter and things kept ‘just in case’. I started life with many of my mum’s hoarding traits but when I met DH and moved countries, I realised how utterly unnecessary and bloody expensive trying to keep it all was.

At the end of the day, it will only cost you, or your family, hundreds more in disposal fees than it will ever give you pleasure in reminiscing. I just felt resentment at my mum after she passed for leaving me with a shitload of shit to put in skips and book several house clearances for. I did not sit there looking gratefully through all newspapers and magazines she’d kept from when Charles married Diana.

I’ve realised from reading this that I need to separate out the stuff that is really important to me. At the moment everything is a massive jumble of important and less than important stuff that even I don’t have the energy to sort through let alone anyone else. When I die my daughter will get in a house clearance company because she won’t go through the stuff to find the things that I would like her to consider maybe keeping - so my hoarding is actually counter productive to things being kept for posterity. Seeing it from her point of view is helpful. Thank you!

old school exercise books? Text books from uni? - There's some still at my parents house I should probably have slimmed it down by now (realistically, to just my dissertation, and perhaps some university coursework, but not the lecture notes) but I haven't got round to it.

Story books from your childhood? A carefully curated selection, again at my parents. The vast majority have gone, and only the favourites remain.

Your kids' clothes? Artwork / handicrafts made by kids? Your DCs old school exercise books?
I don't have kids, but even DM with her hoarder tendencies has got rid of most of that stuff. That said, I suspect she still has my brownie badge sash!

Christmas and birthday cards? Sentimental stuff e.g. cinema tickets, letters from friends, handmade gifts etc.?

Yes, though not all of them, and they all fit in one modestly sized box.

Jewellery you don't wear anymore?
Yes

Clothes that you're too fat for?
Never really changed size - I can still fit into the suit my mum bought me when I was 16 - but I do still have a collection of office clothes despite a career change a couple of years back that means I no longer work in an office job. You never know though...

Old bank statements? Letters from HMRC etc.?
Only because I don't have a shredder and I'm too lazy to go through the pile that has amassed. I'm not proud.

Things "just in case" (e.g. 5 hole punchers)? Loads of books?
Not 5 hole punches (I wouldn't buy another if I knew I already had one). I've got a modest selection of books, but they've been thinned on each of my many house moves. Books are DMs major weakness though when it comes to her hoarding tendencies.

Following for tips!
One thing that has helped me a lot is this realisation: we have kept so much crap ‘just in case’ - like your 5 hole punch example, that when we need something, because the house is that cluttered and unorganised, we’ve forgotten we already own it and buy it again anyway!! This has happened a handful of times, eg. We had a big clear out recently and found about a dozen of those paint test and rollers. Every time we keep them but then forget which safe place we put them in and buy new anyway. Much of my problems have arisen from my best intentions to try to go low waste. But all that has happened is instead of going to landfill, it’s all just still in my house 😂
I love the if it costs less than £10 to replace then bin it idea upthread and will try and implement this soon!

I have a large trunk in the loft in which I keep a few of all the things you list in your OP plus some other bits and pieces. I bought it to give myself a finite space to fill - I am sentimental but recognize the need to put boundaries on it.

I have two school reports, a couple of pieces of art when I was little, some letters but bit lots maybe under 10. Stuff with my husband I have a wee box with our "bride" and "groom" table cards and some tickets for things we went to plus handmade valentine's cards that had poems we have made up to each other.
I used to keep cards from grandparents and all close relatives cards from our wedding and birth of our son but I've just chucked them all except the last ones from my grandparents just in case they don't send another as horrible as that sounds!
Apart from that don't have too much stuff. I don't have duplicates of stuff don't even own a hole punch :s

I'd say clothes I'm too fat for yes deffo that's my main one with the aim to lose weight after my second baby due in November.

I don't get letters from banks as I've gone paperless. I bin HMRC letters older than two years.

The gamechanger for me and the kickstart on my decluttering journey, was to photograph the letters, ornaments etc that I really wanted to be able to go back and look at ‘one day’.

I also sold all the things I really didn’t need to keep, jewellery, unworn clothes etc and bought myself a beautiful ring in their place.

Does anyone else keep old passports? I have tons of those. Or programmes - from the theatre. I have a box of those. And newspapers from significant dates. E.g. today I got several because Prince Philip had died.

Passports. No I have my current one that's it. There will never ever be a need for your old passports so get rid. You're meant to cut a triangle out if then btw.
Get rid of all those programmes what a waste of paper and you'll never look at them and what do you need the newspapers for? No. Go and put them in the bin now!!

I have had to clear several close family members houses out after their deaths and found the hoarders particularly hard. I have to say in one case it actually tarnished the happy memories I had of that person and made me extremely angry. In the end we gave up sorting and just put the lot in a skip so probably lost money on things we could have sold. I can still feel quite bitter two decades on about the time I lost sifting through junk.

Years ago I had a moment where I realised just how many books I had. The bookshelves were absolutely crammed too, do they didn't even look good. I decided I'd reduce the number of books to a certain number of bookshelves and that 8 would stop double-tiering them and make sure there tips were clear. In the process it clicked that I wasn't going to read most of them ever again and ended up getting good of all of them. Place looked a lot better and it was easier to clean. That started the ball rolling.
I don't really have any of the stuff you list, other than a box each for the kids, though I did when I had all those books. Do I guess my question is where's your easy win? It could be there start of something....

I used to keep everything you've listed OP I'm a very sentimental person and I felt like all those momentos were part of me. Even though I rent I would drag it all with my, my stuff had its own room in the house. Then I had some therapy for a unrelated reason but I realised I was literally carrying my emotional baggage round. Things from school-I hated school why did I want a cupboard full of reminders, clothes I don't fit into-why am I letting them make me feel bad every time I opened the wardrobe, Old diaries-full of my moaning and misery, etc etc., It may be different for you OP but I realised most things I kept was because I felt I had to have a physical reminder of an event or time period but they didn't bring me happiness at all. I used the Marie Kondo method because having a house full of things that bring me joy without the emotional clutter was what I wanted. It's worked really well and I have very little stuff now but I love what I do have. I photographed everything sentimental I got rid of so I still had some record, I also photograph things like my kids clothes, tiny shoes, their artwork-I have one folder per child for the special drawings and they like to look through them. A tip from Marie Kondo that really helped me was to put things on display if you really love them, don't keep them in a box. So I have a couple of large box frames on the wall for collections and sentimental scrapbook type items but nothing stored. Anything I wouldn't love on the wall I didn't keep as I realised they didn't actually make me feel happy to see them.

Thank you for some of the really helpful comments on this thread. The ones that suggest a different mindset etc are constructive. However telling a hoarder that they don’t need all their things is counter productive. In our mind we do need them and as some have already mentioned there are often deeper psychological reasons for holding onto things. Telling someone or insisting that someone just gets rid without addressing their psychological needs can cause more harm than good. Also some things kept after a person dies can be extremely valuable. My sister was the opposite to me - she rarely kept anything. But she had kept some old school exercise books with some poetry she had written in her teens and early 20’s. Because she’d been selective in keeping these after she’d died it was easier for us left behind to appreciate their value and one of her poems was so poignant and still meaningful after her death that it was printed in the memorial service sheet. If she’d have kept all her school exercise books the poems would have been chucked with all the rest and we wouldn’t even have known they were there. A lesson to me to be more selective and organised in what I keep. Thank you @BrianJacquesfan for this thread. It, along with some of the more empathetic responses, has been very thought provoking and helpful to me.

PIL kept all of DH's school exercise books. They gave them to us and we chucked them. I do have some of dc's but my intention is to photograph a few pages and then get rid of them. I do the same with their artwork. Paperwork gets shredded but I hardly ever get round to it so it ends up as a massive job which it doesn't need to be if you're more organised than I am!

You don't have to go all Marie Kondo, but it's worth thinking about whether these items add value to your life.
The best realisation I had was that the market of organisation and storage solutions is just another way of hiding clutter in a pretty way. It doesn't solve the problem of stuff, and it doesn't address the real personal/emotional issues that underpin our love of stuff.

My mum was a hoarder. Going through her stuff after she died was a nightmare.

DH and I have lived in 5 houses since we married, so we don't hoard stuff we don't need. I hate clutter.

It's all about storage.

Memories from childhood, it depends how much space you have.

Clothes and jewellery you don't wear, kids clothes, all in the bin. No point keeping things that will be too dated, faded or yellowish and no one will want.

Broken toys, damaged anything, past the date food, medicine, beauty products, all chuck.

My rule is to have a house that could go on the market tomorrow with minimum effort (removing a few private photos but no more). I hate clutter, I hate mess.

I've kept almost nothing on your list. The odd ticket stub or boarding pass as part of a journal but no more than a small box of stuff. What are you planning to do with the DCs text books and report cards? My DH's mum kept loads of his old stuff from when he was a kid and his Dad brought several boxes of it round a couple of years ago when he was moving. It was pretty awkward because DH had to pretend to be pleased but it all ended up taking up space until we could get to the tip.

I keep as little as I can get away with, without turning my heart to stone. Big zipped storage bag for baby /toddler clothes. I've two DC over 5 and its half full. When it gets to nearly full, I'll go through it and filter it. But I only keep one or two items per child per year.

My own school stuff - gone. The cat up chucked onto most of it one day so it was past saving. I've still got my leavers book from secondary school.

I dont keep greetings cards unless the kids made them.

I dont keep ticket stubs/maps/programmes etc. If we go away with the kids on a holiday we buy a small glass kilner jar and collect holiday stuff to put into it (a sticker from a venue, some sand off the beach, a tiny bit of rock we found at the bottom of the steps to a castle we visited etc). These jars sit on a shelf in our lounge and envoke lots of memories, without us hoarding excess stuff in boxes.

Paperwork- I've two a4 sized boxes so stuff goes in there til it overflows, then I sit and sort and chuck old.

I hate stuff.

I'd gladly just have 4x plates 4x mugs, etc. But it's not practical with a family and for guests.

Your old school exercise books? No. The only things I have from school are my 'leavers book', my old school tie and one or two reports that my DM kept

Text books from uni? No

Story books from your childhood? Only the ones that had been passed down from my DM

Christmas and birthday cards? No, only the ones from DH

Sentimental stuff e.g. cinema tickets, letters from friends, handmade gifts etc.? No

Jewellery you don't wear anymore? No

Clothes that you're too fat for? Only a couple of items I absolutely adore that are 2 sizes smaller.

Old bank statements? No. I went digital.

Letters from HMRC etc.? For 6 years which is what is recommended, then they go.

Things "just in case" (e.g. 5 hole punchers)? This could be a big category...probably a few things but not a 5 hole puncher!

Loads of books? No, only unread books OR reference books I know I'll use again OR my absolute favourites (1 or 2)

Hi OP

Ive answered your questions. I had to work really, really hard to get to the point I’m at now. I have hoarding tendencies related to OCD/anxiety but never got to the point where Channel 5 would be interested in filming me. I find it very stressful and anxious to let go but once it’s done it’s liberating.

Have you kept, for example

Text books from uni? I did for a long time, I did Earth Sciences. I donated the books to Oxfam following an appeal after a massive earthquake. It felt a fitting way to let them go.
Story books from your childhood? I’ve two. I’ve not got to the point where I can let go of the books from my children’s childhood quite yet.

Your kids' clothes? I’ve got one bag of clothes/blankets they had a tiny babies. I kept a lot more for quite a long time.

Artwork / handicrafts made by kids? I’ve culled it into a box each.

Your DCs old school exercise books? Shredded them recently.

Christmas and birthday cards? I used to. I have my 40th cards. And my child’s 18th (that they said to shred 🙄). I’d kept all of the Valentine’s from my husband. They said such heartfelt, loving things. Then I realised it was all bollocks (he cheated) and into the shredder they went. I have all my wedding cards in a box but that’s for my child’s benefit rather than mine.

Sentimental stuff e.g. cinema tickets, letters from friends, handmade gifts etc.? Kept these for a long, long time. Got rid a bit at a time. I re-read then shredded. Kept a few from dearly departed grandma. And a love letter from my first boyfriend (also RIP).

Jewellery you don't wear anymore? Just have a standard box so nothing to report here.

Clothes that you're too fat for? Yes. I’ve got a wardrobe full. I’m going to get rid.

Old bank statements? Not anymore. If I need them I’ll ask the bank. If the bank doesn’t have them they can’t be that important! At one point I had 8 carrier bags of bank statements.

Letters from HMRC etc.? From the last year. (I had to work really, really hard at this)

Things "just in case" (e.g. 5 hole punchers)? My just in case has been whittled down.

Loads of books? I have quite a few books but they take up 2 bookcases and I’d like to keep it that way.

Teachers can be shockers for "That might come in useful for school", so this was salutary for me. Our building was being expanded and improved; while the work went on, we transferred to temporary classrooms.
We were issued with storage boxes, and the instruction, "Have as many as you need, just remember it's £1 for each one!
This put a new slant on what came out of the cupboards, asking "will I really put these old books in front of a class again, are those instruments really usable or reparable?" and a lot of stuff went at that stage. Maybe one book from a battered set for the archives as a sample. (The school is over 150 years old.)
The bare minimum to get through a year was kept out. A year later, the storage boxes came into our lovely new classrooms, and as it came out of the boxes, I realised that more could go on the skip!
I try to apply the same principle in my own home, but I know how you feel about parting with stuff.
Two thoughts I found useful: would somebody else find this useful? I have passed on useful stuff I no longer need, but if other people aren't interested, what use is it to me? Secondly: if someone else were clearing out my effects, how embarrassing would it be to find some things?
But definitely a work in progress......

I think it is a process. Get rid of as much as you can bear and then keep revisiting it. We have moved twice in 2 years or so so I had to get rid of stuff. I am really keen to not leave lots of stuff for my DS to have to go through when I am no longer here because it is utterly heartbreaking.

I've kept some bits of my DS's that he may or may not want. I've said to him repeatedly that apart from my expensive jewelry and some photographs he can bin the lot.

After a lifetime in LA Tom Jones moved to London with a suitcase and photographs. Admittedly he has a lot of money to replace things but I want to be as free as that!

The older you get the more you get. Boxes of photos from pre icloud days. Cards sent from people I love, clothes that are still too good to discard but are crammed into wardrobes. Jewellery which has sentimental attachments. Loads of paints, canvasses etc for a hobby that has over the years taken over the house. Paintings of grandchildren at various stages of their lives over a 28 year period and now includes girl friends, places we have visited etc etc and now there is no room on the walls even though they have spread to their homes and others!!! So they pile up in my painting room in the knowledge there is more in the loft ( the loft, now that’s a different story - oh! Dear. Then there are kitchen gadgets hardly used such as ice cream maker, food processor. Grills etc etc etc. Golly until I read this I had no idea I was such a mess.