Am I mad to want another baby before leaving my husband?

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been very up and down throughout our whole relationship, he's always been lazy and not much help around the house, he has a gambling problem which has resulted in trust issues and he can have a bit of a temper with me at times too.
We have been together 10 years, married 4 and have a 15 month old daughter. I have always wanted 3/4 children close together in age so they would have a close bond like my sisters and I had growing up. But I am now pretty certain after deliberating about it for several years, that I want to leave my husband. I do believe I can do better, and a lot of friends and family have told me the same.
I worry that I wouldn't meet someone new straight away and I think about my daughter growing up with no siblings close in age, and it makes me think... Should I just stay for a few months longer and have baby number two so that my daughter will have a playmate, or is that totally stupid? As much as I would love another baby myself, this decision is more based around her, if I were to be a single Mum she wouldn't have someone else to play with at home and that breaks my heart.. Surely I can't be the only person who has thought or planned such a thing??? Am I crazy?

That’s the most manipulative and cruel thing you can do; what an incredible self absorbed way to think.

With that kind of mindset I am really not surprised he hasn’t left you first; and the whole “I know I can do better” I really hope karma finds its way to you.

No, I don’t think it is a good idea. TBH I really don’t understand women whose biological urges displace every ounce of common sense they ever owned. Having one child with a useless partner is one thing, using him to be a sperm donor for a second is another. I think you are underestimating how hard being a single mother to more than one child can be.

Not exactly the same but this happened to me. I left my abusive x, was bullied in to returning, he told me nobody ever lay on their deathbed and regretted their children, I ended up having another although I was so depressed during that second pregnancy. I knew it would be so hard to leave now. Managed to leave when dc2 was 14 months old. He attacked me as I walked out the door. It was very difficult. There were a number of stages in my life when having just the one child would have been easier. I would have needed less help from my parents. I would have felt less like the stereo type single mum. When the time came to work, I had less freedom because of the younger one and I was always thinking of that little bit more freedom I'd have if my youngest was the eldest! iyswim. When I bought a place, if I'd only needed a two bed place I could have got a place nearer town. Or a nicer place or a bigger place. But because they were g/b, I needed 3 bedrooms. I've done everything I set out to do when I left. My five year recovery plan took 9 years. But having two children rather than one was an extra hurdle to financial independence and security.
Don't do it would be my advice. ENJOY your life if you can.

I don't think you're mad, but you're not considering the whole picture.
The most important question is - Is your partner prepared to be a responsible and commited parent if you do leave? If the answer isn't yes then you shouldn't be considering having another child with him.
I also think it's concerning that you're already considering another relationship with a view to becoming pregnant. You seem to see men as sperm donors rather than partners and potential coparents.

What if you have a son who is just like his dad? It happens...

It’s awfully cold and calculated towards your DH

Leave him, then get a sperm donor

@RampantIvy

No, I don’t think it is a good idea. TBH I really don’t understand women whose biological urges displace every ounce of common sense they ever owned. Having one child with a useless partner is one thing, using him to be a sperm donor for a second is another. I think you are underestimating how hard being a single mother to more than one child can be.

It’s got nothing to do with biology, and everything to do with selfish entitlement. But hey, if a woman dresses up her stupidity, we seem to care less. If this had been a man, it would have been called abuse, manipulation, misogyny. We should call things as we see them, regardless of gender.

You’re stark raving bonkers and it’s a cruel thing to do to him.

@lms2017

There's hundreds of children out there needing adoption .

And if it were that easy to adopt, there wouldn’t be hundreds of kids needing adoption, FFS!

''I think you are underestimating how hard being a single mother to more than one child can be.''

This is true. It's very hard. And it's relentless. My youngest is still only 14. It just goes on for so long. Things are 'ok' now. But just ok.
I'm not sentimental enough to know that if I hadn't had him, I wouldn't be missing him! I'd probably have a better job, a better house, more freedom? another relationship? a better relationship with my dc1?

As it is, i think, with the two kids, I branded myself the stereotypical single mother in some people's eyes. I do have single parent friends but they also lack the freedoms I lack! So meeting up isn't easy.
You're excluded from a lot of the normal family stuff at the school gates. A friend of mine who relocated for a better quality of life for herself and her daughter, she was perceived to be less of a single mother and more of a single woman who had a child. Dykwim?

YOu go down a difficult road when you compound having had a child with the wrong man by having a second child with the wrong man (or a different wrong man)

Let go of any notions you have about what a family should look like.
Ask yourself if you have what's important to you. Then put security under that.

@Cocksinsocks

Yabu to consider leaving your partner because you think you can 'do better'. Never leave someone in the hope of finding someone else. Only leave if you think you'd be happier alone. Maybe forever.

Also don't do this. Nuts

Absolutely. Work on becoming emotionally independent.

As much as I would love another baby myself, this decision is more based around her, if I were to be a single Mum she wouldn't have someone else to play with at home and that breaks my heart

It's not about her. If it were about her you'd be leaving, not considering staying with someone (and therefore forcing her to stay too) with temper and gambling issues so you can get pregnant again 'for her'. At least admit it's entirely for yourself.

And for your information, children can be perfectly happy as only children in the same way there is absolutely no guarantee that siblings will be close.

I understand it tbh

I'm sorry but that's not a good idea. Please leave this relationship as soon as possible.

@everythingbackbutyou

My heart breaks for the father my children have to put up with for the rest of their lives. Please don't.

This resonates with me. I'm ok now, I can pay for their braces and their university fees when the time comes but the one thing I can never do is give them a father with self-awareness or emotional maturity. My 17 year old realised when she was about 14 that her father had zero emotional intelligence. He also berates her for not staying in touch when he hasn't emailed her or texted her. He puts all of the onus for staying in touch on to two teenagers, and worse, it's all directed at her because she (he feels) can be 'guilted' in to responding. My son would never do a damn thing he didn't want to do and staying in touch with his father falls in to that category.

It's a sad thing to watch. I really wish I'd given them a better father. I was emotionally immature myself at the time but I hit a crossroads and worked on myself. He hasn't done that. And never will.

@Latenightreader

My parents split when I was three. I’m an only child. I was fine. I have sometimes wondered what it would have been like to have a sibling, but I don’t understand the people who think that being an only child is so terrible. I’m very close to my mum, and logistically we wouldn’t have done half the things we did growing up if I had a sister or brother.

You don't understand people who think being an only child is terrible then go on to say you were very close to your mum.

Is it so hard to imagine how crap it is to be an only child if both parents work full time and you're on your own a lot, if holidays are spent entertaining yourself 90 per cent of the time, if parents divorce and you have nobody to share it with, if post divorce dad starts a new family and youre out of it, while mum is busy in her new relationship?

Great you had a good experience but most adult only children I've talked to didn't.

I have a friend that did this. It all worked out for her, just as she planned.

If you want another just have a look at the many men offering such a service privately. I wouldn't want to extract any more DNA from a dickhead.

not only do I think its mad, I think it is incredibly selfish.

do I understand that want for a small age gap if that's what you always dreamed of? yeah, sure, but life doesnt always work out the way we hoped/imagined. sometimes, there's a reason for that.

why would you want to commit yourself even further to someone you don't want to be with anymore? you already have one child tieing you to him until they are about 18, why do you want to prolong that by having another?

without being depressing as well but not everything goes wonderfully, what if something went wrong? will you stay even longer and keep trying?

think about the child you already have.

Very strange idea. When do you plan to leave...when you're pregnant ? When the baby's born ?

I think you’re getting a really hard time on this thread OP. I know a few people who have considered this, and a few more I suspect have done this - I think it’s not as uncommon as people on here are saying! I understand your logic and I don’t think it makes you a horrible person for considering this.

In your case though, realistically your DH isn’t likely to be a good coparent, which makes a big difference.

From what you’ve said he’s unreliable, lazy, has gambling / money issues. So if you do leave, you should assume that you’ll need to be able to support yourself and your children mostly on your own... that it’s unlikely he’ll be on time with child support payments, stick to childcare sharing arrangements or of much practical & emotional support. None of this is a reason not to leave him if you’re miserable BUT all of those things are much harder when you’re supporting two children rather than one.

And that’s before you think about whether this is fair on the potential child. A sibling might be great for helping your current DC & they might be happy to have someone to go through this with. But the new DC is being purposely brought into a difficult family dynamic, with less stability & time to bond with their father... they will probably see the situation quite differently....

That is absolutely ridiculous.

You would bring another child into the world fully knowing that you are going to leave their father and be a single parent?

That is so incredibly selfish.

I get the temptation and I know of a few people who have done this. Mainly because they want their children to have the same dad

Exactly this, I would feel much better about my daughter heading off for a weekend away with her Dad etc if she had a sibling with her too so that they have each other.

And my sister and I got on like a dream when we were younger and still do now, so not all kids bicker and fight over toys...

Good Lord! I’ve never read anything as blatantly selfish as this OP Not just stupid, but very very selfish.

I think you’re getting a really hard time on this thread OP. I know a few people who have considered this, and a few more I suspect have done this - I think it’s not as uncommon as people on here are saying! I understand your logic and I don’t think it makes you a horrible person for considering this

I grew up with a useless father, who was abusive towards my mum. it is fucking horrible to consider deliberately bringing a child into the world and saddling them with a dad like that, especially if the reason is so they are a play mate for the first child. have a second child because you WANT them not just as a convenience or because you think 2 or more is the right number in the eyes of society. its pathetic to be honest. second child isnt a bonus prize.

Morally defunked

Fancy deceiving someone to those levels