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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend wants a whole weekend away

517 replies

Usernamqwerty · 11/04/2021 19:21

My friend has the huff because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time.

DH and I both work full-time and usually spilt the weekend up between us so we alternate who has the kids / time off to relax. Kids are 2 and 4 years old so need constant looking after. No family nearby to help and getting a babysitter would be too expensive.

My friend brought up the idea of a city trip (90 minutes on the train from London, but 3 hours door to door). I said fine and I could come down Saturday evening and go back late afternoon Sunday. However, she's got the huff and said it would be a waste of time just meeting up for a few hours (partially because she doesn't get up until midday, which is another issue...)

I tried explaining a whole weekend away would have to wait until the kids are older and she got huffy. She doesn't have kids herself.

I have a mini break booked for my birthday in October, in return I have the kids one weekend when DH is off on a leisure thing, but I end up on my knees with exhaustion if I have them all weekend with no break so this is a one-off!

I can't take any annual leave to extend the weekend and my friend works full-time too.

AIBU or should my friend just suck it up?

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 12/04/2021 09:22

My boys are 13 months apart, and until they were at least 10 years old, I never had a SINGLE weekend day off, much less an entire weekend off
More fool you.
Is there a point to your post, other than to make me shudder. 🤣

A weekend away is the perfect way to recharge the batteries!

thatsgotit · 12/04/2021 09:24

Quite apart from the sneering judgements on this thread and the inability of some people to RTFT, the competitive I-haven't-even-had-a-pee-alone-since-2013 martyrdom of some posts is actually quite amusing. Oh no, wait, I meant pathetic.

Rukaya · 12/04/2021 09:34

Try at least reading all of the OP’s posts because you reply and make yourself look stupid

I did that and my comment stands. OP doesn't want to go and her excuse looks flimsy (because it is). There's nothing wrogn with not wanting to go but its insulting to a friend to just not tell the truth.

serin · 12/04/2021 09:40

I appreciate that you aren't well OP but be careful with the transactional nature of childcare. Kids are switched on and it would be awful if they suspect that they are a problem and that you guys are arguing about who has to look after them.
I think given your situation a weekend away with a friend sounds like a good idea and your DH should understand that.
On the weekends that you have them what do you do with them? I had 3 under 5 and found it easiest to take them out in the mornings (even if it was raining!) Then after lunch, some sort of craft/baking until they were tired enough to spend the rest of the day playing with duplo/toys or watching TV. If they still had energy, it would be another evening walk/park trip before bedtime.
You could maybe plan the day in advance and mentally tick off each activity.
If I didnt do this the day would descend into chaos and I'd spend most of it telling them off and wearing myself out.
My last bit of advice would be to look around and see if there is a childcare/sixth form student willing to do a few hours helping out with childcare at the weekends. DD used to do this for several families near us, she would entertain the kids and they would go shopping, pack for holidays or whatever.
I hope things pick up for you and I hope you get your break.

Kpbffyjjgfi · 12/04/2021 09:43

Wow

PussGirl · 12/04/2021 09:43

Do you never both have them, you know, like a family?

Haven't RTFT - apologies if already discussed

SleepingStandingUp · 12/04/2021 09:45

@PussGirl

Do you never both have them, you know, like a family?

Haven't RTFT - apologies if already discussed

They both have half a day off each and a lie in, so yes that would suggest they have a day together
Original poster
Usernamqwerty · 12/04/2021 09:45

Some pretty mean comments on here (made me cry). So much for solidarity amongst mums!

We all have our own strengths, weaknesses and support networks (or lack thereof).

My friend is my only friend pretty much, so trying my best to keep her. She knows about my issues and is very understanding.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/04/2021 09:47

Can't you give your DH. a lie in Saturday but have your bags packed ready and leave at say 9. 3 hours there means meet for lunch. He'd then be up early with them Sunday so that's fine. Of you leave after lunch Sunday you can be home for 5 for dinner and bed.

Would you DH really insist he had to have a night away because you did?

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 12/04/2021 09:53

@PussGirl

Do you never both have them, you know, like a family?

Haven't RTFT - apologies if already discussed

Maybe don’t engage sarcasm if you haven’t bothered to RTFT.
DelBocaVista · 12/04/2021 09:53

Most relationships aren't so transactional in nature - things generally have a way of equaling out eventually.

Surely your husband wouldn't begrudge you a weekend away? or insist he gets exactly the same?
Having time away is a great way to recharge the batteries and should be encouraged.

Clymene · 12/04/2021 09:53

Your husband needs to be a lot more supportive @Usernamqwerty if you are struggling so much. He should be supporting you in spending time with your friend, not playing a petty tit for tat game.

AlexaShutUp · 12/04/2021 09:55

I think you need to explain to your friend that this is linked to your mental health problems, OP. Most people wouldn't find it too onerous to look after their own kids for a weekend, especially if that meant getting to do something nice for themselves at another time. She will therefore be assuming that it's an excuse that you're making because you don't want to spend the time with her.

AlexaShutUp · 12/04/2021 09:55

He should be supporting you in spending time with your friend, not playing a petty tit for tat game.

I agree. You sound quite unwell, so he should be trying to support you.

FrankReynolds · 12/04/2021 09:57

My two are 5 and almost 2. I have severe depression and anxiety but I'm a SAHM to them both 9-5. DH working. Neither of us have lie ins and we treasure our weekends all together to just be in each other's company and help each other do naps, nappies, snacks. I would much rather have a walk and adventure all of us together than alone.

Weekend away with your spouse sounds more beneficial tbh

nanbread · 12/04/2021 09:59

Sorry you're getting some nasty posts e on here OP. Ignore them.

I think AIBU is a terrible place for genuine advice 95% of the time.

When my MH was really bad, my DH picked up a LOT of the slack. Did a lot more around the house and with the DC than I did. Because I was not well.

A marriage is a partnership, and ideally your DH would support you, but if he cannot, where else can you get support from?

Could you look at meeting up with some of your DC's nursery parents, you say you have few friends and parenting is MUCH harder and lonelier if you're trying to do it all alone.

Bluntness100 · 12/04/2021 10:00

@Clymene

Well if the OP is this unwell, it's very unkind of her husband to insist that she has to look after the children all weekend while he swans off in retaliation recompense for her having a weekend off
What is it with these comments. Can people really not comprehend a situation where the husband is also unable to do it. As a social worker has been involved it would seem likely this isn’t some lazy bastard but that both parents are unable to cope.
RainingBatsAndFrogs · 12/04/2021 10:00

@Usernamqwerty

Some pretty mean comments on here (made me cry). So much for solidarity amongst mums!

We all have our own strengths, weaknesses and support networks (or lack thereof).

My friend is my only friend pretty much, so trying my best to keep her. She knows about my issues and is very understanding.

OP, you are discussing something that understandably twangs a lot of your raw nerves, and ‘Relationships’ might have been a safer forum. AIBU is full of mean people who fire off a quick judgement on the OP.

Also some very important relevant info came in your later posts,

Do not take notice of any posters who have not read all your posts or not bothered to RTFT.

It is a hard thing to juggle all this when kids are small.

Your friend presumably knows about your MH struggles? It is a shame she isn’t more sensitive about guilt tripping you.

Can you very openly explain to her about the wider pressure you are under? Can the meet up be closer to where you live?

Bluntness100 · 12/04/2021 10:00

@AlexaShutUp

He should be supporting you in spending time with your friend, not playing a petty tit for tat game.

I agree. You sound quite unwell, so he should be trying to support you.

Unless he also is unable?
MimiDaisy11 · 12/04/2021 10:06

Sorry, you've received some mean replies OP.

I think it's good to try to have equal responsibilities when parenting but some people here just like to put the most negative meanings into any post on here. There's nothing wrong with alternating so a parent gets a lie-in. It doesn't mean that their whole relationship is cold and transactional like some seem to be saying.

But I agree with what others say in that I'd hope your husband wouldn't be so insistent that you have to take a whole weekend because he did one if it would be so bad for your mental health. It's a one-off weekend. Though if you don't feel up for the weekend in general it's entirely your decision.

Dunnesstores · 12/04/2021 10:06

Ok the stress from your mental health makes sense as to why you've a non typical weekend routine going. It works for you most of the time and that's what matters.
But I think maybe it's became a little too stringent and counting up the hours/days you owe each other isn't allowing you any freedom to do something fun for a short extended period of time without feeling angst over the pay back or perhaps guilt too for your husband minding for the whole weekend.

Maybe it's time to switch things up a little, still have the routine and breaks you need to keep on an even keel but maybe once a month try spending a day as a family and split the previous day into two halves for your breaks.
I think you should go with your friend, enjoy your time away and not have to feel you'll pay too big a price for it in future.
I would second getting your iron levels checked too and having a good chat with your gp. That level of exhaustion isn't normal and you shouldn't just accept it as your lot.

DelBocaVista · 12/04/2021 10:11

I think it's good to try to have equal responsibilities when parenting but some people here just like to put the most negative meanings into any post on here. There's nothing wrong with alternating so a parent gets a lie-in. It doesn't mean that their whole relationship is cold and transactional like some seem to be saying.

There is a big difference between alternating lies in ( normal) to insisting on having a night away just because your partner has had one. In most relationships things even out eventually. If a situation is preventing you from having some much needed time away then it's not healthy.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/04/2021 10:11

@FrankReynolds

My two are 5 and almost 2. I have severe depression and anxiety but I'm a SAHM to them both 9-5. DH working. Neither of us have lie ins and we treasure our weekends all together to just be in each other's company and help each other do naps, nappies, snacks. I would much rather have a walk and adventure all of us together than alone.

Weekend away with your spouse sounds more beneficial tbh

Op needs time "off" to recharge, you don't. Both options are right so long as both options keep you both healthy.

Adding a weekend trip with both parents and two young kids is a recipe for heightened stress for most families not just op.

Vooga · 12/04/2021 10:12

@PussGirl

Do you never both have them, you know, like a family?

Haven't RTFT - apologies if already discussed

Unsurprisingly, 19 pages in, it has been discussed.
PandaLorry · 12/04/2021 10:14

Some of the replies here are just so unnecessary and mean. Hope you're ok OP.