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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend wants a whole weekend away

517 replies

Usernamqwerty · 11/04/2021 19:21

My friend has the huff because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time.

DH and I both work full-time and usually spilt the weekend up between us so we alternate who has the kids / time off to relax. Kids are 2 and 4 years old so need constant looking after. No family nearby to help and getting a babysitter would be too expensive.

My friend brought up the idea of a city trip (90 minutes on the train from London, but 3 hours door to door). I said fine and I could come down Saturday evening and go back late afternoon Sunday. However, she's got the huff and said it would be a waste of time just meeting up for a few hours (partially because she doesn't get up until midday, which is another issue...)

I tried explaining a whole weekend away would have to wait until the kids are older and she got huffy. She doesn't have kids herself.

I have a mini break booked for my birthday in October, in return I have the kids one weekend when DH is off on a leisure thing, but I end up on my knees with exhaustion if I have them all weekend with no break so this is a one-off!

I can't take any annual leave to extend the weekend and my friend works full-time too.

AIBU or should my friend just suck it up?

OP posts:
NewAgain123 · 12/04/2021 07:34

On your knees with exhaustion??
Really!! Hmm

JustLyra · 12/04/2021 07:34

@NewAgain123

On your knees with exhaustion?? Really!! Hmm
Read the OP’s posts...
JennyBond · 12/04/2021 07:51

@NewAgain123 you need to read the OPs updates. It’s a classic drip feed.

RachelRavenRoth · 12/04/2021 08:04

@wintertime6

Your childcare set up is certainly odd, but it sounds to me like a whole weekend away with your friend is exactly what you need!!
Depends which friend. Reading op’s previous posts, I’m not sure it is!
BigPaperBag · 12/04/2021 08:09

That’s a really strange set up with your DH. When I was a single parent I had DH on my own 365 days a year and I coped. It seems weird that you have to ‘owe’ one another. That aside, it’s your choice but I don’t really agree with it. I think you should go and have some proper down time with your friend.

BigPaperBag · 12/04/2021 08:10

DS on my own. Not DH (obviously!)

Neonprint · 12/04/2021 08:22

Sorry you're having a hard time op. Having read your posts it does seem you kind of have exceptional circumstances. Which is absolutely fine. But in general I think most people would find it easier than you do. But that is OK were all different.

In one of your posts you say people must not get any time off which is not healthy. I'm not sure why you're making that assumption? Just because people would have their children for a weekend alone doesn't mean they get no time off.

I thi k if you're wanting people to approach you in a kind non judgemental way it's good to do the same.

SionnachGlic · 12/04/2021 08:24

Your arrangement with your DH is quite odd...& also that you can't mind your own kids all weekend by yourself. I'm sure you csn but I agree it is tiring...lots of people do it & are exhausted at the end of the weekend & work fulltime. And the whole deal between you & DH..it is important to have some time out & let him get on with it but you sound v rigid... 1 weekend off each or if you take 2 then he gets another. I mean fair is fair but this sounds very odd.
Reading your post initially it sounded to me more like you were separated with designated weekends with kids & you were asking to switch & therefore having to return the favour on another w/e , two in a row, that just didn't suit. Of course you could go but you don't want to mind your children on your own because of some tit for tat scoring scheme you have going on. On the other hand if they are so exhausting, perhaps a long weekend with a long lie in (like yoyr friend) is coming at just the right time...break the cycle & get a decent proper rest. Then you can tackle anything....even minding your own kids by yourself.

LanguageAsAFlower · 12/04/2021 08:29

From your updates it seems like you have exceptional trouble with looking after you children and it "triggers" you. I can't imagine why you DP would insist on making you look after the kids for a whole weekend just because you had a weekend off. I think myself and my partner share responsibility but I don't count how many days we do each! If he was away for a weekend I wouldn't immediately be booking my weekend off to balance it, these things tend to balance out over time if you have a fair relationship. I think your partner needs to support you more.

Bluntness100 · 12/04/2021 08:30

I can't imagine why you DP would insist on making you look after the kids for a whole weekend just because you had a weekend off

Really? You can’t imagine he has the same issues and can’t cope either, particularly as there was a social worker involved?

GinWithOlivesIn · 12/04/2021 08:35

How strange to want advice on your particular situation and then leave out what is apparently a massive part of the issue.

Does your friend know about your mental health issues? If she doesn’t then I think you can see from the responses here that is probably why she thinks you’d manage a weekend away.

If she does know about your MH issues, then maybe she thinks a weekend away would help.

If she already knows that you’ll have to pay back the time to your DH, despite your MH issues and finding your children alone triggering, then she’s a selfish and self absorbed person.

manchote · 12/04/2021 08:41

Having seen your updates, I'm really sorry for how tough you are finding everything. Gently, do you think a weekend off and away with your friend might do you some good? X

Hopefully your husband could understand that without the need for tit for tat?

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2021 08:42

Sounds like some great teamwork there OP (not)

Lovemusic33 · 12/04/2021 08:43

Lots of people look after their small children all week on their own so I’m sure you can cope for one weekend?

I think your set up is a bit odd but I guess if it works for you then that’s what needs to be done but I’m sure you could cope with the odd weekend looking after the kids?

crazychick89 · 12/04/2021 08:46

@Vooga not really sure who you think people should leave their children with if they have no other option but to look after them? The creepy fucker next door but one?

Bluntness100 · 12/04/2021 08:47

I think some people are being harsh. I don’t think the op quite grasped how unusual her situation was when she posted.

It would seem she thought her situation was quite normal and everyone would understand, so it’s come as a bit of a surprise that spending time with your kids at the weekend as a family unit is quite normal and that folks are happy to look after the kids alone if the other partner has occasional plans without needing strict pay back of the time.

nancywhitehead · 12/04/2021 08:50

Friends shouldn't put these kinds of expectations on each other.

If she is a true friend and cares about you then she should just accept what you feel able to offer.

Crystal90567 · 12/04/2021 08:53

Are your children that difficult? Lots of single mums inc me cope every day and every weekend. I like having my kids. On very rare occasions when they're at camp etc I dont know what to do with myself.

Vooga · 12/04/2021 09:05

[quote crazychick89]@Vooga not really sure who you think people should leave their children with if they have no other option but to look after them? The creepy fucker next door but one? [/quote]
Maybe take that into account when you have kids. Support network, make friends, live near family, have children with a supportive partner. These are all life decisions we make. Don't then come on MN acting the martyr and think everyone else has to suffer because you did.

SelkieIntegrated · 12/04/2021 09:05

I think it's fine to only want to go for one night. I have looked after my dc on my own every night since 2007

Rukaya · 12/04/2021 09:07

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Cindersrellie · 12/04/2021 09:18

It might be difficult having them by yourself, but having a whole weekend off might be so wonderful that it's worth it!

SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel · 12/04/2021 09:19

I've read your later updates, it does sound like a break away might do you a lot of good. I don't see why your DH wouldn't just have the children for the weekend out of love and not expect any kind of payback. I'm sure there will be times in the future you will do nice things for him anyway, you don't both need to keep score. It's not healthy to keep such a close tally of who owes the other one in a relationship, it should just even itself out naturally if you are both reasonable people.

Like others have said perhaps you would find it less exhausting if you parented together sometimes, instead of making it such a chore.

Your friend won't want the hassle and expense of going away for such a short space of time, it's just not worth it. I think it's on you to have an honest conversation with your friend and tell them how much you and your husband are struggling, and apologise for making up an excuse.

Hope things improve for you soon.

JustLyra · 12/04/2021 09:20

@Rukaya

My friend has the huff because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time

Ooh. your own kids, for a whole weekend! Who could cope?

Just be honest and tell you don't want to, she's in a huff because of the daftness of your excuse.

Try at least reading all of the OP’s posts because you reply and make yourself look stupid

It’s not exactly difficult to click “see all”

Clymene · 12/04/2021 09:21

Well if the OP is this unwell, it's very unkind of her husband to insist that she has to look after the children all weekend while he swans off in retaliation recompense for her having a weekend off

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