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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend wants a whole weekend away

517 replies

Usernamqwerty · 11/04/2021 19:21

My friend has the huff because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time.

DH and I both work full-time and usually spilt the weekend up between us so we alternate who has the kids / time off to relax. Kids are 2 and 4 years old so need constant looking after. No family nearby to help and getting a babysitter would be too expensive.

My friend brought up the idea of a city trip (90 minutes on the train from London, but 3 hours door to door). I said fine and I could come down Saturday evening and go back late afternoon Sunday. However, she's got the huff and said it would be a waste of time just meeting up for a few hours (partially because she doesn't get up until midday, which is another issue...)

I tried explaining a whole weekend away would have to wait until the kids are older and she got huffy. She doesn't have kids herself.

I have a mini break booked for my birthday in October, in return I have the kids one weekend when DH is off on a leisure thing, but I end up on my knees with exhaustion if I have them all weekend with no break so this is a one-off!

I can't take any annual leave to extend the weekend and my friend works full-time too.

AIBU or should my friend just suck it up?

OP posts:
RhubarbFairy · 11/04/2021 22:45

Bloody hell. When mine were that age, I swanned off to Portugal for four nights with my best friend. DH was perfectly capable of looking after them.

He'd gone away on an annual holiday with his friends (usually 3-4) nights for years before that and I managed just fine with the DC. It was actually his suggestion that it was my turn to go away and have a long weekend to myself as DS2 was no longer BFing.

I echo the other posters, do you never spend time all together? So no one has a break, you're just, you know, a family rather than shift workers?

IJustLikeBiscuitsOK · 11/04/2021 22:46

This is almost as bad as my friend saying she couldn't come away because her cat gets lonely... but not lonely enough to go to her parents or a cattery

ForeverAintEnough12 · 11/04/2021 22:46

Your family set up is odd. I would also have had the same reaction as your friend of looking disbelieving if you said you couldn’t go away for the weekend as you’d then have to mind your own children for a weekend Confused I presume she doesn’t know about your mental health issues as you seem to think it’s as she doesn’t have kids but not wanting two days alone with your children is very odd and having to transact your DH return equal time away is also strange.

gallbladderpain · 11/04/2021 22:48

You can't do what millions of mothers around the country do and look after your children for a whole weekend? I've not read the full thread yet so maybe i've missed something but this stands out as extremely unusual to me. Many single parents look after their children 7 days a week alone with no help.

IJustLikeBiscuitsOK · 11/04/2021 22:49

PS. Out of curiosity, and trying to someone get my head around your weekend exhaustion, have you had your iron checked? When I had anaemia even making a cuppa had me exhausted.

RhubarbFairy · 11/04/2021 22:49

And yes, they were exhausting. DS1 went 1 step, 3 steps, 8 steps, running. He hasn't stopped since and he's 10 soon.
DS2 was VelcroBaby Extraordinaire.

I had good friends with similar aged children. We'd meet up at each others houses or at soft play and let them run each other ragged and support each other in dealing with whatever happened so that each of us got to at least drink half a cup of tea whilst it was hot.

It is doable.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/04/2021 22:50

@gallbladderpain

You can't do what millions of mothers around the country do and look after your children for a whole weekend? I've not read the full thread yet so maybe i've missed something but this stands out as extremely unusual to me. Many single parents look after their children 7 days a week alone with no help.
It's always worth reading at least the OP's posts, otherwise you end up saying things like this that are unkind and needless. It's really easy to do now too, so something worth considering in future...
RachelRavenRoth · 11/04/2021 22:53

Well, since i cannot yet sleep, ive just spent some time on an advanced search. I can’t say i like the sound of your husband much. He doeant sound very much like a team player at all. What help is he getting for his snoring?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/04/2021 22:53

@tillyandmilly

Can I ask - don't mean to sound rude - but why did you have kids?
You didn't mean to sound rude but asked that question? Really? As I said to another poster, at least read the OP's posts on a thread before commenting harshly or asking questions dripping in judgement delivered with wide eyed innocence. It's pretty horrible really isn't it?
JustLyra · 11/04/2021 22:57

@Usernamqwerty

Parenting is hard but some of us find it harder than others. I have had a family worker in the past due to how hard I have found it and nearly ended up with the perinatal mental health service.

Please be kind 🙏

And your DH still expects an exact tit-for-tat split of free time?

This is said way too often on here, but you have a DH problem. A major one.

gallbladderpain · 11/04/2021 23:02

Maybe you could look to reducing your working hours if you are struggling with both working full time and parenting.
I have multiple health problems as well and also have a DC with health conditions and cut my working hours by making sacrifices in other areas of life financially in order to be more present and not exhausted when it comes to the children. I can always work full time again in a few years when the children are up a bit so it isn't a long term financial sacrifice.

Bringonspring · 11/04/2021 23:05

Wow I think people are being harsh on OP. I get it. I’m happy for a night away/tune in the DST but then I like to get back, if nothing else working F/T means I wouldn’t be seeing them.

Your friend has to compromise

ChronicallyCurious · 11/04/2021 23:06

Having read all of your posts I think it’s actually your DH who’s being unreasonable here. If you have mental health problems then why is he not supporting you going away and having a break if you’re so exhausted? I couldn’t imagine my DP holding that against me and being like ‘well you owe me a weekend back then’. What an incredibly strange way to be if you’re struggling.

1Morewineplease · 11/04/2021 23:08

You mentioned having a support worker.
Why was that?

You also mentioned that you 'nearly' ended up with perinatal mental health service.
Why were you not given this service?

You mentioned not sleeping with your husband for ten years due to his snoring. Has he sought medical help for this?

You have a weekly date night but for the other six days, you seem to look after your children, one parent at a time... eg your husband has them in his room , three nights a week.
What do you do for those 3 days and vice versa?
You say that you have an afternoon off on Saturday to go for a run, so you are having downtime at the weekend.

OP, if you're struggling, really struggling, then I suggest that you ask MNHQ to put this thread onto the parenting board as AIBU is throwing up endless questions from posters who , rightly, seem baffled by what you have said.

clpsmum · 11/04/2021 23:08

So weird

doorornottodoor · 11/04/2021 23:14

A lot of smug bitchy types on this thread.Hmm

OP I read your comment about your mental health. I’m so sorry you’re struggling.

I don’t have mental health issues but really struggled when my kids were little. I wouldn’t have enjoyed a weekend away knowing I had to “repay” it.

I think you just do what suits you. Explain to your friend how hard it is at the moment. How you are struggling and that you just can’t take the whole weekend. A good friend will hopefully understand. Maybe suggest an alternative or some extra time/weeks meal out?

We used to call the days when we had 3 under 4 “the dark days”- only part joking. The sleep deprivation and exhaustion was awful. And we had no pandemic! We also had paid help.

It really does get better so hang on in there, ignore the unsupportive comments and just do what you need to do. Flowers

Sittingonabench · 11/04/2021 23:18

I don’t necessarily find either of you unreasonable. You’ve done a value analysis and decided it’s not worth the effort (travel and childcare later included). She feels it is a waste of money/time not to take a whole weekend. I don’t think she should suck it up, If I were her I’d find someone else to go with and everyone’s happy.

mikejardine · 11/04/2021 23:22

Where are all these posters when people are feeling aggrieved that their friends won't attend a two day hen weekend 😂😂😂

Operasinger · 11/04/2021 23:25

I’ve reported this thread. The OP really doesn’t deserve all these nasty comments.

Lollypop4 · 11/04/2021 23:26

My Dh works 6 days a week 12-13 hrs a day ( Owns own buisness) I work 16 hrs a week.
We have 4 Dc (2x teens 2 under 5)
Its just how it is.
My dM had 4 under 4 my DF worked away mon-sat..., She had no help at all.
Im not bragging that we've got it covered , Its not equal, it is tiring at times but I am pretty baffled by your set up with DH...

thatsgotit · 11/04/2021 23:28

@Operasinger

I’ve reported this thread. The OP really doesn’t deserve all these nasty comments.
Well done @Operasinger I was just about to do the same. Some disgusting comments on here, including from people who can't even be arsed to RTFT.
Iggly · 11/04/2021 23:30

It will get easier OP when the kids get older, I promise. In the meantime I would suggest you look long and hard at your and your DH’s working hours and also your approach to your weekends. It does seem quite regimented and in some ways it may stop you from doing what you need to do for yourself. Eg a weekend away may make the world of difference.

I found myself quite regimented and almost obsessed with routine when the dcs were young- it was a coping mechanism but actually I feel much better now that I can relax about it (they’re older and less tiring).

Take care OP

idrinkchocolatemilk · 11/04/2021 23:32

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VodselForDinner · 11/04/2021 23:34

If your husband snores to the extent that it impacts you so badly and you can’t share a room with him, do you think that the children being in his room three nights a week and, presumably, not sleeping, contributes to them being difficult to look after?

CJsGoldfish · 11/04/2021 23:34

A decent DH would see this as a wonderful opportunity for you to get away for a couple of days and enjoy some time doing non mum stuff. Not registering it in his little book of tit for tat.
To allow you some guilt free time away would be a gift if you find things so hard. Why doesn't he want you to?

Honestly, if I were the friend, I'd just give up now because clearly things aren't going to change and you'll always have an excuse because you don't have the kind of DH that is going to put your well being first

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