Friend wants a whole weekend away

[Usernamqwerty]

My friend has the huff because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time.

DH and I both work full-time and usually spilt the weekend up between us so we alternate who has the kids / time off to relax. Kids are 2 and 4 years old so need constant looking after. No family nearby to help and getting a babysitter would be too expensive.

My friend brought up the idea of a city trip (90 minutes on the train from London, but 3 hours door to door). I said fine and I could come down Saturday evening and go back late afternoon Sunday. However, she's got the huff and said it would be a waste of time just meeting up for a few hours (partially because she doesn't get up until midday, which is another issue...)

I tried explaining a whole weekend away would have to wait until the kids are older and she got huffy. She doesn't have kids herself.

I have a mini break booked for my birthday in October, in return I have the kids one weekend when DH is off on a leisure thing, but I end up on my knees with exhaustion if I have them all weekend with no break so this is a one-off!

I can't take any annual leave to extend the weekend and my friend works full-time too.

AIBU or should my friend just suck it up?

I don’t understand if you are struggling so much why your husband won’t say go for the weekend I have this, you need it I don’t expect anything in return because I know you find it hard and I think this will help

It’s the transactional tit for tat element of it all. It sounds stressful

OP, if it’s any help, I have a four year old and two year old and would also be on my knees after a weekend on my own. I know single parents do it every day and I think of them every single day and think they’re amazing.

People are different and kids are different.

Having said that, I think your set up with your DP is weird.

I'm shocked by how mean some of the replies are on here. Parenting young children is hard. Particularly in the middle of a pandemic.

@Mamanyt that response is unkind and downright nasty. I’ve reported it. Read the OP posts - she’s got mental health issues and is really struggling. Shame on you.

I don't think your friend is a true friend if she is putting that much pressure on to go from Friday until Sunday. Its quite long to be away from home anyway and one night is perfect in my opinion. X

Think you need to discuss with your DH being less regimented about having the children so equally. If this weekend away would help your mental health, but then looking after the kids on your own would then damage it , can't he be more supportive e of you going away without the need to "pay him back" a weekend. This doesn't sound like a very supportive arrangement, and I don't think it needs to be equal if one of you is suffering with mental ill health.

However if he won't agree (this would not be a good sign to me if he won't) then you should explain to your friend that you're too ill to do this trip,hopefully she'll be more sympathetic. What you've said does sound like an excuse I'm afraid , that's why she's in a huff, and it's not the real reason is it. Better to be honest if she is a good friend.

I would probably take the opportunity when I was alone with the kids to go and catch up with my sister and mum. I do visit with my DH but there’s lots of sitting around chatting that he’s not that interested in so I’d take the opportunity to go then. ( they are not local) Alternatively I’d have a friend / family to visit or plan a day out with the kids to somewhere where the DC can run around safely together. A picnic or lunch with a friend can really break up a long day and perk up your spirits. For that reason I also think a weekend away for you would be great for your well-being too.

I too have mental health issues mainly caused by suffering severe cluster headaches ( they literally bring you to your knees up to 10 times a day ! A YouTube of those and your find a headache enjoyable !)

It is tough parenting in general and if you have mental health it's alot tougher people don't understand, I need space in which to just be silent.

I think for your mental health if it's anything like mine getting up early at weekends , up focused and out the door would help more that laying in bed. It may take some getting used to but the kids will be more content , and tired from being out at a park , walking anywhere and it will be good for your mental health . I sometimes let my son have his iPad or the remote so I can get a nap in the afternoon if im not to well and partners not home.

My son's 5 and he wakes 4 times a night still not sad just wide awake chatting , he is under a sleep therapist now.

He also didn't speak till he was gone 3 which made the younger years much harder.

Everyone's different , every child too.

However I do find your weekend schedule abit strange and I don't think the most helpful for mental health.

My partner wouldn't expect a weekend back in return for having his own children I think this needs to be sorted out between you as you will always have that stopping you having your own " mum free time"

Go on the weekend and enjoy yourself , your children and your partner will survive , unless you just don't want to go then be straight with your friend xxx

Your husband can't take the kids on his own for one weekend at their ages? My ex husband treats me much better than your current husband does! I'm the single one of my mates, and after the year we've had, I'd be gutted if my married friends couldn't take a few days out for me tbh

@Usernamqwerty

Thanks Foobydoo. Those are good suggestions x

Are your DC genuinely harder work than other DC for some reason, perhaps?

I'm asking because I was roasted on MN once, when I posted, trying work out how to plan my day as I was struggling to get basic stuff done. DS was a toddler at the time and the response was basically - WTF are you on about, that's stuff we all do and it's challenging yes, but it's not that bloody hard, what do you want, a medal? (I'm paraphrasing!)

What I didn't realise at the time was that DS was genuinely harder work than most other DC , plus I genuinely found it harder to organise myself than most other mums - both of us due to undiagnosed SEN.

Years later, he's diagnosed with autism and I'm diagnosed with ADHD.

(I wish I could remember which username I posted that thread under so I could go back and tell them all where to go!)

Have you considered that possibly your DC are harder work than other DC, maybe due to SEN?

There's not enough info in your posts to point to this, please don't let me make you paranoid about it! I'm just mentioning it as it was my experience, in case it chimes with you.

Oops, not sure why I quoted that other post, random accident, sorry!

Just realised my first comment came across as harsh to you OP - apologies. I really should re-read before I post. What I should have said is that you deserve the weekend off here and there and you husband should accommodate this. Also it is hard being single atm, I for one have spent the year with zero adult company. Your friend is probably just acting out on this and (imo rightfully?) wants her friends to be there for her once it's allowed.

I really think you should go, I honestly think you would have a well-deserved blast.

I think what is baffling people is the fact that a lot of people with young kids maybe wouldn’t want to do the long weekend with a friend because they wouldn’t want be away from their children for that long - rather than because having the weekend away meant that as a consequence they then had to spend time with them alone - that’s what it comes down to.

We all find our children exhausting at times but the motivation behind not wanting to go away is so skewed, and the schedules for ‘me time’ are odd - as they grow up & work out what is going on then they’ll start feeling unwanted at best & if it is the case that you really can’t bear to be with them/cope with them alone then that’s what really needs to be addressed IMO.

I would love a weekend away but then would have to have them on my own another weekend in return
Ok I get you can't have them alone site to your MH and laughter whatever the reason is your exhausted all the time. But why have you got to then do the same back when he knows you can't but he can? Why can't he just do something nice and cover your parenting shifts out of love?

Maybe you could book yourself on a reading course @Sweettea1

Lordy, what is it with people not at least making sure they've read OP's updates before contributing. Please do keep up.

FWIW, I am the spouse of someone with MH issues; they would find it very anxiety inducing to be left with the DC for a whole weekend. Not so much because of the DC (who are lovely), but because of the unpredictable nature of anxiety attacks and worrying about the DC witnessing said anxiety attacks.
For this reason, I don't expect them to look after the DC for a whole weekend. Why would I? Your DH really should cut you some slack and not expect you to go evens on this one. That would be a supportive, nice thing to do.

I can see your friend's point that there is little point spending 6 hours travelling to and from London and paying for a night in a hotel for the sake of something like7 hours together.

I think OPs update makes the "parenting style" even more odd - most couples I know in a loving relationship pick up the slack for each other. If one of you is having a tough time or needs time to get stuff done etc, the other parent steps up but doesn't keep notes on time spent with the children. My DH was snowed under with work this weekend so I took the kids out so he could have the house to himself and get it done - I've not asked him for a reciprocal 2.5 hours back.

I think the lack of "family time" (and I'm not talking about big days out, more every day stuff like going for lunch or to the park together) and acting as a team with your OH is probably having an impact here.

@Mamanyt

My boys are 13 months apart, and until they were at least 10 years old, I never had a SINGLE weekend day off, much less an entire weekend off. I'm sitting here shaking my head in wonder at someone thinking that watching her own children for an entire weekend is some sort of heavy chore that is just too much to bear.

Come to think of it, when they were younger, I never had a single hour off, except for work and medical appointments. That's a lie. My mother would watch them for TWO hours every other week, so I could go out for a cup of coffee with a friend. And if I was 10 minutes late, I heard about it.

Sound to me, and almost certainly sounds to your friend, as if the friendship isn't worth a bit of effort to maintain.

Not sure what the point of this post is. More fool you for not having a break for 10 years. I don't want to live like that.

Your childcare set up is certainly odd, but it sounds to me like a whole weekend away with your friend is exactly what you need!!