Friend wants a whole weekend away

[Usernamqwerty]

My friend has the huff because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time.

DH and I both work full-time and usually spilt the weekend up between us so we alternate who has the kids / time off to relax. Kids are 2 and 4 years old so need constant looking after. No family nearby to help and getting a babysitter would be too expensive.

My friend brought up the idea of a city trip (90 minutes on the train from London, but 3 hours door to door). I said fine and I could come down Saturday evening and go back late afternoon Sunday. However, she's got the huff and said it would be a waste of time just meeting up for a few hours (partially because she doesn't get up until midday, which is another issue...)

I tried explaining a whole weekend away would have to wait until the kids are older and she got huffy. She doesn't have kids herself.

I have a mini break booked for my birthday in October, in return I have the kids one weekend when DH is off on a leisure thing, but I end up on my knees with exhaustion if I have them all weekend with no break so this is a one-off!

I can't take any annual leave to extend the weekend and my friend works full-time too.

AIBU or should my friend just suck it up?

[crazychick89]

@Vooga right back at ya, if there's other things you'd rather be doing than looking after your kid, why didn't you factor that in before you had one?

[OldEvilOwl]

Who decided on this set up with taking turns having kids? doesn't seem to be working. Could you discuss again with DH?

[Vooga]

[quote crazychick89]@Vooga right back at ya, if there's other things you'd rather be doing than looking after your kid, why didn't you factor that in before you had one? [/quote]
well that makes no sense. So you don't work, see friends or anything?

[ImFree2doasiwant]

This is a difficult one OP. I do get whereyou are coming from. I'm single, DC are 4 and 5 now. Their dad has them one daytime a week. No no lay in or night off. He has started having them overnight occasionally, maybe once every 5 or 6 weeks. Friends and family seemed to expect me wanting to "do things" in these times. When all I really want to do is relax.

So yes,I could go and meet up for a walk, or have an evening visit with my support bubble, but yeah. I dobt want to. Maybe when /if I get more nights off I will, maybe when they're older. Maybe when I havent been trying to work, with both DC at hone, homeschooling one, ignoring the other....maybe then.

Yes it is tiring looking after 2 small children. Yes loads of people do it, alone or with a partner. Doesn't make your feelings any less valid

[StrongerOrWeaker]

Totally see where you are coming from!

[BootsScootsAndToots]

Whatever you need to do to get you through has always been my motto.

My dh gets a lie in both weekend days because he cant nap whereas I can nap, anytime of the day 😊

I'd also prefer just the one night away and in fact my friends are having a weekend away soon and I'm going just for one night, as that's what suits me.

I used to care about pleasing others but honestly, being firm about what I want/ need is just so much better for me.

[Bluntness100]

People also need to remember the husband works long hours, is also stressed, he sometimes works over night and three nights a week he keeps the children in his bedroom and sleeps with them so the op isn’t disturbed, as well as splitting the time at the weekend.

Clearly there are some deep issues here but the op and her husband are doing what they can to split it as they both need a lie in and an afternoon to themselves. It doesn’t matter if everyone else doesn’t need or want this, this couple do and they are trying to manage this between them fairly so they can both cope. Yes it’s transactional but if this is what they both need to do to cope then this is what they need to do.

I’d say the friend, although aware of the issues, doesn’t really understand the extent of it, like most posters on here.

[Neonprint]

OP it sounds like you're really struggling. Have you heard of home start? If there's one local it might be worth contacting them. They offer support to families who need it.

[FrankReynolds]

@SleepingStandingUp why don't I need time off?

[AlexaShutUp]

Unless he also is unable?

Well, yes, fair point. I haven't seen that the DH also has mental health difficulties that make it difficult for him to look after the kids, and had the impression that it was more about a transactional arrangement between the OP and her DH to ensure equal leisure time.

I'm all for the fair division of labour, but I don't think it's really "equal" if one person is so unwell that they can't function normally , in that scenario, I would expect the well partner to pick up a bit of the slack. The "tit for tat" approach adopted by the OP and her DH would be far too rigid for my liking anyway, even if both partners were well.

Obviously, if the DH has health problems too, it's a different story.

[81Byerley]

@Usernamqwerty

Some pretty mean comments on here (made me cry). So much for solidarity amongst mums!

We all have our own strengths, weaknesses and support networks (or lack thereof).

My friend is my only friend pretty much, so trying my best to keep her. She knows about my issues and is very understanding.

@Usernamqwerty. I'm sorry that you've been upset by some of the replies. We're all different, and if you find looking after your children alone difficult, then I understand. I was a childminder and foster parent, and I met a lot of parents who felt as you do.
I wanted to say though, that your sharing of the care at weekends makes it sound as if the children are another chore to be got through, and not the joy they should be. Do you ever have family time, where you all get up and go somewhere, or do something together, or simply muddle through, tidying up, cooking lunch, having a picnic, playing games, building a den under the table or under a sheet on the washing line? My happiest memories are of weekends with my kids, when we'd spend time all together. There wasn't even the thought in those days that one of us might need "me" time or a lie in. This is a modern concept.... and one I don't really understand. I'd have thought you'd be fighting over the chance to spend time with your children if you both work full time.

[ForeverAintEnough12]

@Usernamqwerty did you only post them expecting people to flame your child free friend and say how unreasonable she was?

Pretty much all posters have highlighting how odd your transactional tit for tat childcare agreement with your husband is and that you have a DH issue.

It could be worthwhile having a think on that and seeing if he can step up more and let you have a stress free weekend away.

[crazychick89]

@Vooga neither does what you're saying though? And nobody thinks op has to suffer, almost everyone is telling her to have a weekend off, how is that suffering? Jesus take the fucking wheel.

[WorraLiberty]

What is it with these comments. Can people really not comprehend a situation where the husband is also unable to do it.

Does your husband have mental health issues too OP?

You've left so much out of your opening post that it doesn't really represent your situation at all - hence the replies.

[makingmammaries]

I have a friend who kept pressuring me to go for a “girls’ weekend away”. My weekends consist of grabbing a bit of downtime, making sure the kids do their homework, and dealing with the laundry. Who the heck thinks it’s feasible for working parents of young kids just to disappear for the whole weekend?

[daffodilsandprimroses]

@makingmammaries

I have a friend who kept pressuring me to go for a “girls’ weekend away”. My weekends consist of grabbing a bit of downtime, making sure the kids do their homework, and dealing with the laundry. Who the heck thinks it’s feasible for working parents of young kids just to disappear for the whole weekend?

I agree but we are in a minority apparently.

[Babyboomtastic]

@makingmammaries

Well if you are with your children's father, then it doesn't take 2 of you to make sure homework is done and do laundry (which can be done in the week anyway). If you aren't with their father, many visit their dads on alternate weekends/at the weekends, so you have time then.

There is something wrong with the balance of your relationship if neither of you feel ever able to have a break tbh (illness, or particularly difficult short periods excepting)

[Vooga]

[quote crazychick89]@Vooga neither does what you're saying though? And nobody thinks op has to suffer, almost everyone is telling her to have a weekend off, how is that suffering? Jesus take the fucking wheel. [/quote]
There are many many comments on this thread from pp who have not had a break for x years and therefore think op is pathetic and needs to get on with it, because that's what they did. Read the thread. My original comment about martyrs was about those posters.

[makingmammaries]

@babyboomtastic, the children’s father might have other stuff to do, like cooking, cleaning, fixing the car, dealing with official paperwork. Laundry cannot be done during the week, as I’m out of the house from 8 to 7. I’d need extra days off work to cope with the aftermath of the “break”, frankly. My idea of a break is a couple of hours on the sofa with a book, not conforming to another adult’s expectations.

[crazychick89]

@makingmammaries but that isn't the original post, the original post is she didn't want to as op and partner and had made a ritualistic contract written in blood stating that every moment of childcare undertaken by one parent must be repaid by other parent down to the exact millisecond or else the gates of hell would open up and the world would burn and the four horsemen of the apocalypse would arrive and drag away op and her partner and she could just not bring herself to fulfil her end of the contract so she didn't want to go as her friend is a lazy bitch and sleeps in til 12 mind you, despite not having any responsibilities and presumably working throughout the rest of the week. But she just doesn't under stand because she doesn't have kids, that when you have kids you make pacts that you never parent together as that might make things too easy and how could we complain about life if life was easy.

[WorraLiberty]

@makingmammaries

I have a friend who kept pressuring me to go for a “girls’ weekend away”. My weekends consist of grabbing a bit of downtime, making sure the kids do their homework, and dealing with the laundry. Who the heck thinks it’s feasible for working parents of young kids just to disappear for the whole weekend?

The OP and her DH do, it's in the opening post.

[Babyboomtastic]

@makingmammaries

Totally your choice, but fairly unusual perhaps. I mean, don't you ever go out with your family at the weekend, go visit friends? (pre Covid anyway)

Life is too short to stay in at the weekend and wash pants IMO. My laundry gets done in evenings,or when I'm round. I'm not sure I've ever stayed in, or organised my life to stay at home for it!

I get there are chores - we both work and have 2 children below school age. It's hectic, especially fitting in things like diy. Perhaps my life would the so hectic if I worked round the chores, rather than chores working round me, but my goodness it wouldn't be so fun!

[makingmammaries]

@babyboomtastic, of course we do stuff other than “wash pants”, as you charmingly put it. My point is rather that adults outside the family who think a possibly tired parent who may be trying quite hard to keep it all together should drop everything for a weekend in order to please them, are a flipping nuisance. I don’t want to spend my weekend dealing with an extra person’s expectations. Obviously the OP also needs her downtime, otherwise she would not be asking the question. And obviously the friend doesn’t get it.

[RedGoldAndGreene]

I read the OP assuming that this is a reverse because the childcare reasoning sounds like an excuse since most couples won't have a rigid system of owing each other time. People would accept reasons like a lack of money as a reason not to do the weekend but if I was your friend I'd assume that you didn't really want to go away.

Most couples wouldn't keep a note of how many hours they looked after the kids alone as they chose to have those kids and your spouse sometimes needs the time away. As long as they don't take the piss financially or go too frequently, the average spouse encourages their other half to go away for their mental health.

[daffodilsandprimroses]

There’s a difference between meeting friends for a few hours for lunch or a few drinks and a whole weekend though.