Friend is rude, yes or no? AIBU?

[provencegal]

Please help me work out if I am being over sensitive.

Friendship group from children's primary school initially, but now very good friends of four years. We have lots of nights out, coffees and lunches at each other's houses. We have supported each other a lot over the years, and it has been great.

Four weeks ago I invited everyone to my garden for a late lunch at the end of this month - it is a delayed birthday celebration/ good excuse to get together. Everyone accepted and was really excited, it took some time to organise a good day for everyone.

Friend A calls me last night and tells me she can't make it, fine no worries. She then goes on to tell me she has organised a dinner the very same evening for twelve people. She has invited one half of the group (plus a few extras that are not part of our group) but not the others. And she hasn't included me either which was awkward on the phone to say the least! I am not sure what she wanted me to say, I was just quite gobsmacked, so I said no worries, lets reschedule and left it at that.

I have since cancelled my lunch on that date, as it is going to be too awkward with half the group going to the 'after party' at friend A's house, and the other half left uninvited! The others do not know about the evening dinner yet.

I will meet them individually instead now I think.

To think she is a CF? Or is this okay?

@provencegal

If I say I am busy next week will it look like sour grapes on my part? She is bound to discuss it all there too I am really not impressed to be in this position at my very advanced age.

It's a tough one, but if you're really adamant about pulling away from the friendship group, turning down this is the way to start. Have the courage of your convictions!

I don't really want to be part of the group, I don't want to sit with Friend A pretending everything is fine, definitely do not want any kind of showdown over dinner about it. So I am declining dinner next week.

I will stick just the rescheduled date with the 'nicer' two and leave it at that.

I am wondering if the restaurant booking is to test the water. Because things def feel off.

I can imagine Friend A saying oops I think 'we' may have upset her, and to send one of her minions (because they are clearly no real friends of mine) to try and see how the land lies with an invite.

Yep, def decline- i didn't spot A was going to be there- looks like a possible ambush. Shame you're so busy!

That definitely sounds like the case @provencegal. Hold your head high x

By nicer .... do you mean one of the two that weren't invited to A's dinner.
If that, I'd suggest it's an attempt to get a response out of you on which they can pin a 'provencegal is the unreasonable one' tag.
If one of the two not invited then it may be a well-meaning but not especially helpful way of trying to smooth over troubled waters.

Do you normally meet so frequently?!

It is one of the nicer ones of the two invited, if you know what I mean! I know Friend A would have had a full discussion about this, and this is the outcome.

No, we don't meet as frequently as this, which is why it is strange. Once every month at most, maybe every two months. My lunch was supposed to be this month done, and would expect a few more over the summer maybe.

Friend A has acted really badly OP. I know you don’t want drama but have you thought about being upfront and honest with her?

We choose my house as it is my lockdown postponed birthday celebration, and some of the others wanted to see our new house and garden. We have moved to a village in the country recently.
Friend A has been really weird about the house move, but I didn't think much of it at the time.

I could tell her I am hurt and upset, but I am pretty sure she doesn't care and will use it as gossip with the others. I am not sure what the point of my honesty. She hasn't even had the decency to send a message or acknowledge what she has done, it is likely to lead to an argument.

She isn’t your friend. That was a really nasty thing for her to do.

So if this is the first time everyone would have been coming over to see your new house and in light of the comments made by A about the area you've moved to, this all sounds like a ploy to stop the get together at your house. Could she be jealous of your new place?

Next sat is too short notice and you've got plans.
Just stick to that.

I wouldn't bother entering into a conversation about it. She's not worth it and others may just want to see if any drama unfolds. Ignore and move on. You have more dignity than A.

moo It is possible, she has been trying to move out for a while, but hasn't been able to sell her house, and her dh not keen so it doesn't look likely now.

I have moved back to my old village, and she told me she considers it to be 'quite rough', which is quite offensive for on a number of fronts, and it is a lot of things the village (quiet, elderly) but 'rough' isn't one of them

Also, I wouldn't tell her how hurt and upset you are. She doesn't sound like the sort of friend to accept that. She would likely turn it around to you being jealous at not being invited to her get-together and spin it as you being the one out of order, even though it was clearly her being out of order for poaching your prearranged date (and half your friends!)

Yes don’t get drawn in. When I removed myself from our group. I’d had a conversation with one friend about how I was feeling and that I was going to step away. The other two didn’t text me individually for days to see why I’d left, one I friended me on Facebook! And when they did I just replied that I had lots going on. Neither pushed me for any more details and that was very telling for me!

It reminds me of a previous friendship group I was in. Friend A was a fantastic party thrower. She fell out with the rest of the group. They used to invite everyone to birthday lunches at a restaurant except her, then plaster it over FB so she would feel left out. It got to the point where, if she found out about an event, she'd park in the nearest car park so everyone had to walk past her on their way.

It felt very mean girls and not suitable behaviour for teenagers, let alone people in their 40s. It made me feel very uncomfortable. In the end, Friend A moved away and the rest of the group splintered as they were forever upsetting each other. I am highly relieved to have made other easy going and drama free friends.

I think you've done the right thing. Don't feel bad, we were warned about Friend A being a nightmare but didn't see it at first. Those type of groups end up falling out or bitching behind others' backs so they're not worthy of your friendship.

Another vote for not adding to the drama by showing your annoyance. They probably love feeling like they're in the "inner circle" and leaving others out so revealing you're upset will fuel their fire. Better to look indifferent and not give them something to gossip about.

OP, you have clearly said you now want to step back from the group friendship so this is the perfect opportunity to do so. Just reply that you're unable to make that day, hope they all have a lovely time, no drama. Then keep backing away. They will continue to arrange things together but if you no longer wish to attend just keep declining and they'll stop asking.

I do think you should tell the other 2 why you cancelled though. Not in a tit for tat way, but just as you've said here. That she arranged an evening party on the same day, you felt awkward so thought it better to rearrange with nice 2 on a different day.

I wouldn't dream of engaging with someone so rude about being upset.

She is so rude and ignorant, there is no point.
You would be misquoted and the conversation used as drama fodder.

I would pass it off as not worth getting upset about and deny her ANY opportunity to make a thing out of it.

Privately I would acknowledge that it WAS very rude but I would be PA and very 🙄🤷🏻‍♀️about it.

The issue isn't not inviting the whole group to the dinner, that is completely her own business.
The issue is hijacking a previously agreed date and arrangement.

No one with an ounce of manners in them would do such a thing.

Someone so rude is probably the type of woman you read about who would argue the point on the street the next time she saw you.

I don't think it's the OP's job to explain basic manners to this woman.

She has already been unforgivably rude regarding the OP's new address.

She will probably up her contact with the OP, and try and bully the OP into accepting her behaviour.

OP, you will need to be prepared for that. She's a bully testing just how much you will put up with.
The remark about your address was both deliberate and a test to see would you accept it.

Friend A was a fantastic party thrower

This is her definitely, 100% and she does expect a certain level of fawning and gushing. Sometimes when we are altogether, she is commanding the room so to speak, people will stop talking to allow her to speak etc. It got worse over lockdown with the tensions about who was being invited to what due to limits on numbers. I didn't get involved.

I initiated thought screw the bitch and have your lunch, but I think what you’ve done is so much better. And I think you’re right to decline the lunch invite, let her gossip and make jokes, she’ll show the others who she really is. It’s such a shame that some people never grow up and still seem to love their lives like a teenage soap opera.

Just message back on the group chat saying "sorry can't make next week, I've got so much booked in now we are allowed to do stuff again. Hope you all have a lovely time!" and then forget about them all.

Thank you billy I am actually getting so much support on this thread, and it is making me feel so much better. I am not sure if I made the right call, but I had a feeling she would just keep chipping away at the guest list until no one turned up to my lunch, how mortifying that would be.

enjoying I am not going down the teenage route for anyone, it was bad enough the first time around!!