Friend is rude, yes or no? AIBU?

[provencegal]

Please help me work out if I am being over sensitive.

Friendship group from children's primary school initially, but now very good friends of four years. We have lots of nights out, coffees and lunches at each other's houses. We have supported each other a lot over the years, and it has been great.

Four weeks ago I invited everyone to my garden for a late lunch at the end of this month - it is a delayed birthday celebration/ good excuse to get together. Everyone accepted and was really excited, it took some time to organise a good day for everyone.

Friend A calls me last night and tells me she can't make it, fine no worries. She then goes on to tell me she has organised a dinner the very same evening for twelve people. She has invited one half of the group (plus a few extras that are not part of our group) but not the others. And she hasn't included me either which was awkward on the phone to say the least! I am not sure what she wanted me to say, I was just quite gobsmacked, so I said no worries, lets reschedule and left it at that.

I have since cancelled my lunch on that date, as it is going to be too awkward with half the group going to the 'after party' at friend A's house, and the other half left uninvited! The others do not know about the evening dinner yet.

I will meet them individually instead now I think.

To think she is a CF? Or is this okay?

don't want to cause a rift or a bad atmosphere if I went ahead

Thats the problem, she obviously couldn't care less about causing a bad atmosphere!

Thanks to everyone for your posts

This is so obviously about your new house. She just didn't want the group to go to your house and ohh and ahh over it. What a bitch! If she ever says another thing about your village call her out on it, have something planned/up your sleeve

I think if you just withdraw by not saying anything, she will make up whatever narrative she likes. Sometimes people need calling out on their shit behaviour. You don’t have to say you’re upset, you can just keep it short, concise and unemotional by saying ‘what you did was shitty, I don’t have time for that’ and then withdraw. At the moment, she has got exactly what she wants (pushing you out) with no come back. You don’t have to add to the drama by calling her out-in fact I think that telling your other friends and not facing her may lead to further gossip/drama. It’s your choice though obviously-I’m just cross on your behalf-can’t stand devious people like this.

WAIT!

It was your birthday celebration and first invitation to your new home?

She is a witch. Definitely you are doing the right thing, canceling and declining this other new dinner invitation.

@Cloudhopping

I think if you just withdraw by not saying anything, she will make up whatever narrative she likes. Sometimes people need calling out on their shit behaviour. You don’t have to say you’re upset, you can just keep it short, concise and unemotional by saying ‘what you did was shitty, I don’t have time for that’ and then withdraw. At the moment, she has got exactly what she wants (pushing you out) with no come back. You don’t have to add to the drama by calling her out-in fact I think that telling your other friends and not facing her may lead to further gossip/drama. It’s your choice though obviously-I’m just cross on your behalf-can’t stand devious people like this.

I think if pushed saying something short as above or "What you did was just too rude, I don't wish to be around such swful behaviour".

I missed the post about the house /birthday.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe is completely right.
She's seething and couldn't stomach seeing your home.

How sad is that?
She's certainly not a friend.
Prepared to do that on your birthday.

Too rude.

I think @provencegal is handling it in a dignified way.

At least 2 other guests already know what happened. The others will understand soon enough when they hear “A” crowing about her fabulous party later. (Who does that?!)

Quietly canceling and backing away from the other group will limit the awkwardness for the others with whom she wishes to remain friends.

OP I can see why you’re upset. ‘Friend’ A is bizarre. I didn’t have time for this kind of playground politics when I was young enough to play in playgrounds.

Personally I wouldn’t have cancelled my lunch. If the two other people invited to Friend A’s dinner party cancelled on me I would have been upfront with the two other Friend A rejects, told them what happened and said I’d love to see them, would they like to come anyway? You only want to stay friends with those two anyway so why are you cutting off your nose to spite your face?

I’d be feeling really quite down if I was one of the people excluded by Friend A and then told I wasn’t good enough company to spend time with without Friend A’s glorious presence. You may not mean it that way but that’s how it will be coming across to them. If I were you I’d be making separate plans with the two you do want to stay friends with pronto, as there’s an argument for them feeling the most hurt and left out.

@Cloudhopping

I think if you just withdraw by not saying anything, she will make up whatever narrative she likes. Sometimes people need calling out on their shit behaviour. You don’t have to say you’re upset, you can just keep it short, concise and unemotional by saying ‘what you did was shitty, I don’t have time for that’ and then withdraw. At the moment, she has got exactly what she wants (pushing you out) with no come back. You don’t have to add to the drama by calling her out-in fact I think that telling your other friends and not facing her may lead to further gossip/drama. It’s your choice though obviously-I’m just cross on your behalf-can’t stand devious people like this.

Completely agree with this. Your dignified silence allows Friend A to make up whatever narrative she wants. She’s already talking about you to the people she deigned to invite and using them as flying monkeys.

If you accept the invite she’s won because she’s made it clear she’s in charge and everyone must do what she likes.

If you decline she’s won, because she’ll spend lunch telling the rest of the group how petty you are.

What has she “won”? Unpleasant, thoughtless people over to her “side”?

It’s not a contest. Adults with any sense will know exactly what happened.

Things always die down more quickly when one party refuses to engage.

OP has also explained that these lunches are a thing, and no one hosts them if everyone is not available. At most she could tell the ones not invited to the poachers dinner party “I canceled because Ann was no longer available.” The other two are fully aware of the reason.

@PoutineQueen

I wouldn't have cancelled.

I would offered the group at you're lots of lovely strong cocktails so they'd be shitfaced and annoying by the time they got to hers.

This. :p

@hannayeah

What has she “won”? Unpleasant, thoughtless people over to her “side”?

It’s not a contest. Adults with any sense will know exactly what happened.

Things always die down more quickly when one party refuses to engage.

OP has also explained that these lunches are a thing, and no one hosts them if everyone is not available. At most she could tell the ones not invited to the poachers dinner party “I canceled because Ann was no longer available.” The other two are fully aware of the reason.

I mean in her mind she’s won. OP’s better off without friend A in her life.

@provencegal

I don't really want to be part of the group, I don't want to sit with Friend A pretending everything is fine, definitely do not want any kind of showdown over dinner about it. So I am declining dinner next week.

I will stick just the rescheduled date with the 'nicer' two and leave it at that.

I am wondering if the restaurant booking is to test the water. Because things def feel off.

OP, I have lost track. Were the nicer two invited to the dinner? Did they accept before you cancelled your lunch? I am unclear on the timeline.

If they had accepted the dinner invitation before you cancelled, they are anything but nice.

Yes it’s my birthday lunch that was cancelled due to the lockdown.

The other two did accept the dinner invite, I am assuming they planned to cancel for my lunch.

Friend A messaged to apologise today. I had no idea how to reply, so I said I was disappointed I felt that she couldn’t find another day for her dinner party, and it was pretty upsetting that she didn’t speak to me before arranging it, rather than just informing me of her plans afterwards. Especially as we have spoken three times around the same time. Left it on a cordial note.
She has sent another apology saying she didn’t think I would mind
Not sure how to reply. May just leave it now what do you think?!

Just leave it and let her think on it! That’s such a crap excuse on her part!

One of the two invited friends already told me they were going to cancel, so I am sure the other one would have to do the same

Yes it was a lame excuse! pie

She was effectively cancelling your birthday lunch, and she didn’t think you’d mind? Yes, I would leave it and not reply.

Do not reply - let her twist in the wind. Much more dignified and powerful then getting into a texting back and forth. You're doing well.

That’s about the strength of it, yes.
It’s disappointing that she cares so little about me.

Andylion

I agree, I've read through all this thinking why hasn't anyone pointed out how awful it is that two friends bailed on the OP in favour of what they regarded as a better offer? I think I'd be more annoyed with them or definitely as much, I mean who does that?!

Definitely just leave it hanging there. How could anyone not mind?!

Even at my most charitable I would still mind!
It’s so rude, and the other two are no better! It’s really really poor form.
I feel done with them all, bar the two that are uninvited and not involved. I’ve reorganised a restaurant lunch with them now so they are fine.

I would leave it, she sounds like she is going to push until somehow it will be your fault that she did this, it’s pathetic.

I have dozens of imaginary responses for her.

What an ass. Decided that her plans that needed to be rescheduled trumped your plans that had already been rescheduled? And that you shouldn’t mind?

It almost sounds like she thinks you are a chump. Anyone would mind this; everyone would mind it. Certainly she knows it’s wretched form to cancel so she can host something that you were not even invited to join.

What do you think prompted the apology? You not taking the bait with this other nonsense dinner she obviously asked the other friend to schedule?

I think not engaging further in the debate is very powerful.

Good tactic.

It will hopefully leave an uncomfortable, dissatisfaction of unresolution in her, and you've behaved with absolute dignity.

And I'm glad you told her you are disappointed