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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is rude, yes or no? AIBU?

308 replies

provencegal · 11/04/2021 17:46

Please help me work out if I am being over sensitive.

Friendship group from children's primary school initially, but now very good friends of four years. We have lots of nights out, coffees and lunches at each other's houses. We have supported each other a lot over the years, and it has been great.

Four weeks ago I invited everyone to my garden for a late lunch at the end of this month - it is a delayed birthday celebration/ good excuse to get together. Everyone accepted and was really excited, it took some time to organise a good day for everyone.

Friend A calls me last night and tells me she can't make it, fine no worries. She then goes on to tell me she has organised a dinner the very same evening for twelve people. She has invited one half of the group (plus a few extras that are not part of our group) but not the others. And she hasn't included me either Shock which was awkward on the phone to say the least! I am not sure what she wanted me to say, I was just quite gobsmacked, so I said no worries, lets reschedule and left it at that.

I have since cancelled my lunch on that date, as it is going to be too awkward with half the group going to the 'after party' at friend A's house, and the other half left uninvited! The others do not know about the evening dinner yet.

I will meet them individually instead now I think.

To think she is a CF? Or is this okay?

OP posts:
Original poster
provencegal · 12/04/2021 18:24

I have apologised to nice friends about the switching of dates, and without going in to detail just said there was a clash with the plans friend A had made, and switched to talking about our new plans. I didn’t want them to think I was the one being flaky.
I think I have extracted myself now finally - with your help and advice. Thank you Halo

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 12/04/2021 18:28

Hi OP
Reading your comments about moving to a new area (and receiving a bitchy comment about it) - have you upsized? I think she may be jealous of your new place and that's causing her to try to spoil this for you and make herself feel "better".

cameocat · 12/04/2021 18:28

I would just leave it. I'd also be busy for restaurant dinner (something about lots of work on new house or exciting visit from relatives you haven't seen for ages).

You frankly sound awesome and just the type of friend I'd like!

TeachesOfPeaches · 12/04/2021 18:31

Sounds like an episode of Motherland

Original poster
provencegal · 12/04/2021 18:33

Friend A has an amazing house. We have bought a very old house in dire need of a lot of work, but it is a really pretty house and will be nice if we ever finish it. She can be competitive, I hadn’t really thought about the house angle. Something definitely has shifted, she was fine before lockdown.

OP posts:
Original poster
provencegal · 12/04/2021 18:36

came thank you! ❤️ I feel a bit rubbish about it all so thank you for cheering me up Wine

OP posts:
Loudhouse · 12/04/2021 19:04

So glad to hear you’ve reorganised. I think whatever you say, she will create a narrative of you being oversensitive because she’s not going to admit what a bitch she is. So actually, not getting drawn in is probably the best and most dignified way to deal with, in my opinion. I think you’ve been brilliant in your handling of this so far, OP, and wouldn’t even reply. But if you must, I’d keep it very nonchalant, with something like, ‘Not to worry, what’s done is done. Sorry this has happened to you though. Really horrible behaviour.

stoopider · 12/04/2021 19:33

Glad you’ve reorganised. Definitely do not invite her! Don’t respond to her last message either. Radio silence now. Or if she messages again leave at least 2 days before replying and any reply Is super brief and yes/no kind of reply. She needs to be shown she is now no longer on your list of important friends. Don’t be drawn into a text war

SwimBaby · 12/04/2021 19:45

I wouldn’t have cancelled and I would feel really disappointed if I was going to the lunch and you cancelled it.

hannayeah · 12/04/2021 20:51

@SwimBaby

I wouldn’t have cancelled and I would feel really disappointed if I was going to the lunch and you cancelled it.
I was thinking how badly I would feel if invited to a group event then arrived on the day to learn that half the group canceled for a “better”opportunity. It would be awkward.
billy1966 · 12/04/2021 21:05

I also wouldn't dream of replying.
What else is there to say? Not a thing.

She is very rude, as are the others that dropped out at the last minute.

They have, through their behaviour, shown you that they think you will suck up any type of disrespect.

There really is no moving on from this.

Who doesn't realise how appallingly rude dropping out for a 'better' offer is?
Even worse that it was a birthday lunch.

You wouldn't want to make so little of yourself as to invite them to your home again.

On the bright side, at least you know now.

Two of the women are lovely and you have nice dinner plans to look forward to.

Any apology is because you appear to be a useful, sympathetic earhole, she probably wants to continue to use you for that.

Be glad you are not so desperate for friends as to accept such dreadful behaviour.

Flowers
Notonthestairs · 12/04/2021 21:08

I think cancelling the lunch means Op and her other 2 friends can start a fresh.

Don't reply to her last message - you don't need to explain or defuse. Whatever you write will be used against you.

Dimples13 · 12/04/2021 22:24

You sound like a wonderful friend OP. Non friend A will regret her actions but will never admit it - what a cow.
So much easier to be kind, so many weirdos about.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/04/2021 22:38

Not read all the thread but have read OP's highlighted posts. This: I am too old for this kind of crap resonated with me, but I'd probably have thought the same from the age of about 16. When you mentioned their ages it was amazing, albeit IMO 'friendship groups' are more troublesome than they're worth. A superficial, peripheral involvement is about as much as I'd ever have, and even then the merest hint of gossiping and this silly leaving-out of particular people and I'd hit block faster than you can say 'Queen Bee'.

Kudos for walking away with your dignity intact.

Cloudhopping · 13/04/2021 09:27

Well done Op, you’ve behaved with such dignity. I’m glad you told her how you felt but I agree with not replying to her last message. She knows she’s behaved badly-let her stew in it now. You sound like a lovely person. Hope you have some lovely future lunches with your real friends!

pictish · 13/04/2021 10:16

@Notonthestairs

I think cancelling the lunch means Op and her other 2 friends can start a fresh.

Don't reply to her last message - you don't need to explain or defuse. Whatever you write will be used against you.

Agreed. Anything you reply will be used against you. It’s not down to you to smooth this over.

Your lack of response will speak volumes...I did mind and what’s more, I still mind. You trampled me to get what you wanted and your actions have been noted. Nothing to add.

MaMaD1990 · 13/04/2021 10:46

You've behaved in a really classy way and dome the right thing. I would say friend A has a touch of the green eyed monster and is trying to exert some control over the group to exclude you and make herself feel 'on top'. I'm glad you've reorganised your lunch for dinner with friends who you'll enjoy the time with - life is too short to play these silly games. Drink wine and be merry (with those you like!).

KinseyWinsey · 13/04/2021 14:05

She didn't think you would mind? Mind that she wanted to spoil your event?

What an odious woman.

I'd steer well clear of her forever.

LoudestCat14 · 13/04/2021 15:05

OP, I wonder if someone's remarked to her that it's not very fair she's scheduled her dinner to clash with your delayed birthday celebration and what's why she's called you again to apologise? It smacks of her not wanting to be the bad guy in all this. Another poster suggested Friend A was probably hoping you'd kick off about it all, allowing her to make out you were the unreasonable one, when you've been the epitome of fair play. It's probably driving her nuts you're not playing into her narrative! Plus maybe she's realised you're not going to listen to her offloading her problems three times a week on the phone as you have been doing.

Original poster
provencegal · 13/04/2021 16:57

This situation has really made me appreciate my other, much more genuine and kind friends. It has been the reminder I needed to spend my time with them, to remember to look after them. Time isn’t infinite I could have wasted many more years sharing my life with those horrible women, for every evening I spent with them is a lost evening that could have been spent with friends that send me flowers on my birthday, pick up my kids when I am ill and actually care about my feelings.
Even if I I had no one in the world I would choose to wait for a friend for however long that was genuine and kind to me.

I have declined the invite for dinner next week, deleted the text from friend A without replying, and silenced the WhatsApp group which has now burst into life again. Is there a way I can leave WhatsApp group without a statement that I have left? Or will silencing be the best I can do?

I will keep this thread as a reminder too. Thank you for such insightful and wise words everyone, I have read every single post, and I appreciate each and every one.

OP posts:
RedRonnie · 13/04/2021 17:36

Well done on handling it so well. No drama, quiet step back and concentrating on real friends. Perfect.

CraftyYankee · 13/04/2021 18:02

Unfortunately there's no way to leave a WhatsApp group without a notification being automatically posted in the group.

I had an issue when I wanted to leave a group because it was just too much noise and muting it just turned off notifications, the group still got bumped to the top of the list. Eventually I got annoyed enough I exited the group... Cue the rounds of messages of why I left. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Wish there was a more subtle way!

abc4321 · 13/04/2021 18:14

Can I just say you've come across as a lovely friend and your "nice" group are lucky to have you in their circle. You've definitely been the bigger person and can hold your head high.

I'm a believer in you reaping what you sow. The drama llamas will end up falling out (because they clearly don't value other people's feelings) and you'll still have the friends that are worth keeping.

Quaagars · 13/04/2021 18:17

I wouldn't have cancelled, as pp's have already pointed out, people have already accepted to go to yours and could well be pissed off at you for cancelling when they'd been looking forward to it!
If they were at the same time, I'd see your point but if yours is earlier they can still come to yours.
I would be Hmm Angry at the one scheduling for the same date though, massively annoying!

billy1966 · 13/04/2021 18:53

This has definitely been a gift OP.

You can clearly see the lay of the land and move forward positively with the women whose company you enjoy and value.

Life really is too short for such drama.