Friend is rude, yes or no? AIBU?

[provencegal]

Please help me work out if I am being over sensitive.

Friendship group from children's primary school initially, but now very good friends of four years. We have lots of nights out, coffees and lunches at each other's houses. We have supported each other a lot over the years, and it has been great.

Four weeks ago I invited everyone to my garden for a late lunch at the end of this month - it is a delayed birthday celebration/ good excuse to get together. Everyone accepted and was really excited, it took some time to organise a good day for everyone.

Friend A calls me last night and tells me she can't make it, fine no worries. She then goes on to tell me she has organised a dinner the very same evening for twelve people. She has invited one half of the group (plus a few extras that are not part of our group) but not the others. And she hasn't included me either which was awkward on the phone to say the least! I am not sure what she wanted me to say, I was just quite gobsmacked, so I said no worries, lets reschedule and left it at that.

I have since cancelled my lunch on that date, as it is going to be too awkward with half the group going to the 'after party' at friend A's house, and the other half left uninvited! The others do not know about the evening dinner yet.

I will meet them individually instead now I think.

To think she is a CF? Or is this okay?

f you are sure she only invited the others a few days ago, that is rude

Yes 100% the case.
Sadly for me!

Gosh, this such a deliberate act of aggression that I am puzzled as to why you are even wondering whether or not it is 'rude'. She staged a rival event and then called up triumphantly to tell you about it. I would most certainly cut ties. With friends like that who needs mean enemies? She deliberately set out to spoil things for you. You're well rid.

OP has already said she is happy to fade away from this group’s dynamic. She has other friends.

I had something similar in my school mum group. I had one of the dhs do some work on my house and it was a complete fucking nightmare.
I kept it separate from her but eventually he and I fell out. She immediately cut me dead and so too did two others in the group. Another two carried on as usual and are still friends today.

I was happy to lose the first friend and given the other two were so quick to shunt me off to the side on her say so, I was fine about the end of those friendships too. Turns out they were as surplus to me as I to them.

There was no song and dance. I’m up two gems and down three time-drains. The group no longer exists but the kids are all too old for that anyway. Such is life.

I think you’re bang on the money OP.

That is definitely how it seems to me dolphin it felt very deliberate. Who spends their time trying to outgun their own friends like this?

It was massively deliberate... she wanted you to kick off, have a big argument, make the group 'chose' between her dinner or your lunch, for her to win or have the 'better' night (or play the victim), talking about the others who 'chose' you on your lunch... she wanted the conflict and drama, and you've nipped it straight in the bud and not given it her, well done 😊

Just watch for a second 'approach' as the drama-lama didn't get what she wanted from this 'round'....

She behaved badly.

You were ridiculous to cancel.

And the ‘excluded half’ are now deprived of your get together, too.

A pointless flounce.

I hope she burns her dinner!

Are you U.K.? If so neither a large outdoor lunch nor an indoor dinner is allowed later this month.

Personally, if I lived near someone hosting an indoor "legendary" dinner party for several households that involved staying all night, I'd report them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Take stock, and plan a few quieter garden lunches for later in the summer. Some of your friendships and not just friend A need evaluating. I wouldn't be taking calls or whatsapps from friend A. It's clear where you are for her.

Op's lunch was for 6 outdoors which is fine.

@provencegal

red Thank you for your post, I am doing my best to ease out of the situation without any fuss whatseover.

I am now thinking about what I have missed in terms of signs. The only one I can think are the odd snippy comments on whatsapp group, she embarrassed me by saying the area we have just moved to is a little down market for her tastes (it really really isn't!) but it was quite a spiteful thing to say, and totally out of the blue. Apart from that, nothing I have noticed.

When I read this thread last night I thought maybe you had overreacted cancelling the lunch for the remaining friends, but now I think you're doing absolutely the right and dignified thing in stepping back from the toxicity, especially after reading this! I had a friend who remarked negatively on where we moved to, saying she wouldn't feel safe living in the area. She's an ex-friend now.

She's a bitch but I feel pretty wtf at your response OP. Bitch queen is no loss from your get together, then you lost a couple of "so- called friends" who are happy to ditch your party for another offer. And now you are basically telling the rest of the group if you can't have the above in attendance you've no interest in celebrating with them either. That's some sort of fucked up friendship.

@Notonthestairs

Op's lunch was for 6 outdoors which is fine.

Ah. I was assuming husbands/partners etc. as well as a larger group. Got confused with the half this group and half the other.

Tbh a lunch of six individual women and no older children/no children at all sounds a lovely low key way to celebrate the end of (this) lockdown. But irregardless, any "friend" who would choose to attend another party after accepting an invitation isn't a friend.

OP, this was a perfect litmus test of who your friends are. Invite those who are the nice ones and let the others run the risk of a large fine together.

Smaller might be better too. I am not entirely sure I'd feel up to six people at once suddenly 😆

I can't believe you cancelled 😱

I am not entirely sure I'd feel up to six people at once suddenly 😆

Always includes lots and lots of wine, and some nerves of steel!

And now you are basically telling the rest of the group if you can't have the above in attendance you've no interest

No, I am still seeing them - just on a different day now. Trust me it is better not to get into a competition on the same day.

And the ‘excluded half’ are now deprived of your get together, too

See above. We will still have a great time! I am still keeping the others as friends, but in a different way.

When I read this thread last night I thought maybe you had overreacted cancelling the lunch for the remaining friends, but now I think you're doing absolutely the right and dignified thing in stepping back from the toxicity

There was no way around it, she choose this to do this on purpose. It makes no real difference when I see the other friends, I have actually bought the dates forward now. They will totally get it when they find out about her dinner party.

t was massively deliberate... she wanted you to kick off, have a big argument, make the group 'chose' between her dinner or your lunch, for her to win or have the 'better' night (or play the victim), talking about the others who 'chose' you on your lunch... she wanted the conflict and drama, and you've nipped it straight in the bud and not given it her, well done 😊

This is it in a nutshell.

Whatsapp that is normally very busy with messages all day is now totally silent. Couple of my friends have messaged me by text. She has most def been discussing this plan of hers with the others that were invited. Some of whom are over fifty years of age. It is really pathetic.

I would take note of the people NOT invited to her dinner - those are probably the sort of people you want to be friends with. If I was invited to a lunch I would never bin it off because I had a 'better' offer. That is horrible. I guess it depends what you value.

Yes it is pretty disappointing behaviour. Perhaps I am old school, but once you accept an invite you are going. You don't suddenly arrange something 'better' and cancel, taking half the guest list with you. It is feels really aggressive, and yet she could not have been nicer on the phone

I think your dealt with this in a very dignified manner OP. Sometimes it is easy, when it's someone else's life, to have lots of smart responses - but at the end of the day you have to live with how you have acted, and you can definitely hold your head high here!

Update: One of the nicer friends just messaged me to she has booked a table for all of us for next weekend in local restaurant garden, can I come?! I really can not face going...

She’s a total bitch. You’re doing the right thing to phase her out. I know you’ve explained several times why you cancelled your lunch but I still think you shouldn’t have. I’d have been upfront with the remaining friends and said ‘looks like it won’t be the whole group on X date, as A has arranged a dinner on the same date and taken half the group with her. So it’ll just be us.’ I’d have made them aware straight away of her behaviour. Have you told them the situation or just that you’re moving the date of your lunch?

Well it's a shame you are busy next week isn't it? It's also interesting she has messaged you individually rather than just putting an invite on the WhatsApp group.

Just that I am moving the date, didn't say why.

If I say I am busy next week will it look like sour grapes on my part? She is bound to discuss it all there too I am really not impressed to be in this position at my very advanced age.

I’d tell the nice friends separately what A has done. I know you’re trying to take the moral high ground but it’s like you’re covering for her. Let them know what a shitty person she is and make their own decisions about whether to spend time with her. The invite to the pub is the perfect opportunity to do so

@provencegal

Update: One of the nicer friends just messaged me to she has booked a table for all of us for next weekend in local restaurant garden, can I come?! I really can not face going...

Nicer friend going to A's shindig or nicer friend who was not invited? If latter - go. If former - you're too busy!