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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is rude, yes or no? AIBU?

308 replies

provencegal · 11/04/2021 17:46

Please help me work out if I am being over sensitive.

Friendship group from children's primary school initially, but now very good friends of four years. We have lots of nights out, coffees and lunches at each other's houses. We have supported each other a lot over the years, and it has been great.

Four weeks ago I invited everyone to my garden for a late lunch at the end of this month - it is a delayed birthday celebration/ good excuse to get together. Everyone accepted and was really excited, it took some time to organise a good day for everyone.

Friend A calls me last night and tells me she can't make it, fine no worries. She then goes on to tell me she has organised a dinner the very same evening for twelve people. She has invited one half of the group (plus a few extras that are not part of our group) but not the others. And she hasn't included me either Shock which was awkward on the phone to say the least! I am not sure what she wanted me to say, I was just quite gobsmacked, so I said no worries, lets reschedule and left it at that.

I have since cancelled my lunch on that date, as it is going to be too awkward with half the group going to the 'after party' at friend A's house, and the other half left uninvited! The others do not know about the evening dinner yet.

I will meet them individually instead now I think.

To think she is a CF? Or is this okay?

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 11/04/2021 18:06

Do the guests know there will be 12 people there?

I'm assuming English rule of 6 applies which I know is an assumption, but if i turned up and found a group of 12 I'd leave.

Blankspace101 · 11/04/2021 18:07

I wouldn’t have cancelled. She isn’t a friend and clearly has no respect for you. It sounds like she is treating you as a doormat and you’ve given in to suit her agenda.

Original poster
provencegal · 11/04/2021 18:07

She called me 'to explain' apparently Confused

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 11/04/2021 18:09

V strange of her. Is it a celebratory dinner she's hosting?

SnarkyBag · 11/04/2021 18:09

I wouldn’t have cancelled either. If you reschedule then you’d be a fool to invite her again!

RazzleDazz1e · 11/04/2021 18:09

Rude and unnecessary- cut her loose. It doesn’t have to be a big confrontation, but drop.

Original poster
provencegal · 11/04/2021 18:10

After this I do consider the friendship to be over. It is too mean girl for me and I have lots of other friends that would not DREAM of doing this. So I don't need her or this kind of game playing.

The group has one or two that I would say were not my favourite people. So my plan is to keep in touch and invite over the nicer friends I have in the group perhaps individually, and fade out of the group altogether.

I am too old for this kind of crap. I have teen girls that behave much better than this!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 11/04/2021 18:10

She's not your friend. Develop your other friendships instead.

Original poster
provencegal · 11/04/2021 18:13

No celebration just an old dinner invite that was cancelled over lockdown, could be held at anytime.

I feel that there is a real message in there that she has chosen my day to be do it. How can I not see it that way?

I def do not want to go ahead with mine now under any circumstances, least of all because I have a feeling the few that are going will pull out at the last minute due to blow dries and feeling over stretched, leaving the B list as it will feel! Nope not doing that!!!

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 11/04/2021 18:15

She sounds like a piece of work OP. Don't do anything dramatic as she will thrive on that.

I think you're right to let the friendship fade. If it were me I'd call the police to grass her up! You can always say you're a 'concerned' neighbour. Wink

Original poster
provencegal · 11/04/2021 18:16

To really define how it feels, I feel like she is asserting herself over the group. I don't know why it feels that way but it does. I have no idea why she would feel the need to do that though.

OP posts:
Blankspace101 · 11/04/2021 18:17

The real ‘B list’ are the people going to her dinner party.

Standrewsschool · 11/04/2021 18:17

On the basis that you invited everyone four weeks ago, and she has just planned her event, yes, yes she is rude. Doubly rude for inviting people from your guest list also.

Original poster
provencegal · 11/04/2021 18:17

She's not your friend. Develop your other friendships instead

Agreed. I just wanted to be sure. She is no loss that is for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
provencegal · 11/04/2021 18:19

stand obviously if she had invited other friends, it would be fine, but she hasn't.

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 11/04/2021 18:25

What did you say to the group as to why you cancelled?

Original poster
provencegal · 11/04/2021 18:30

I didn't explain, I just said really sorry we will have to change the date of the lunch, hope they don't mind and left it at that. I am sure they will all find out in time, and put two and two together, and it is up to them what they make of it/her londongirl I am not lying, and not getting into it.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 11/04/2021 18:31

Why on earth did you cancel?

I'd frankly be pissed off with you if I was one of your friends and had accepted your invite, only to have you withdraw it.

Yes, she's rude. But you've been an idiot. Why would it be awkward for you if people discovered she'd not invited them to her party? Maybe they would have seen her for what she is.

Now you just look flaky.

Original poster
provencegal · 11/04/2021 18:33

They will understand mad as couple of the friends that are going to friend A's dinner will plaster everything on SM. The nicer friends of the group, know me and will understand why it is better to reschedule.

OP posts:
supermoonrising · 11/04/2021 18:33

She's terrible. You're weird to have cancelled.

Original poster
provencegal · 11/04/2021 18:35

Friend A is the social equivalent of Donald Trump they will ALL know soon enough.

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 11/04/2021 18:37

I wouldn't have changed the date, but stuffed all the lunch guests so they didn't want much for dinner.

Original poster
provencegal · 11/04/2021 18:39

super I want out of the group, and will probably just stay friends with a few of the more decent ones, and arrange to see them individually now.
I am not interested in hosting lunch and dinner wars against Friend A or with Friend A. I am just looking forward for a nice time with friends and being together, without this drama.
I would rather invite other friends, and I really don't have time or space for people like this.

OP posts:
Notoriouslynotnotious · 11/04/2021 18:39

If I was invited to your lunch and not invited to her dinner I’d be a teeny bit miffed that you cancelled. If I was invited to your lunch also invited to hers, I would not have gone to hers because I already had plans.

I really don’t think you needed to cancel.

Planty13 · 11/04/2021 18:39

YANBU she sounds like a bit of a nob but I also think it’s bizarre you cancelled your own lunch.