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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is rude, yes or no? AIBU?

308 replies

provencegal · 11/04/2021 17:46

Please help me work out if I am being over sensitive.

Friendship group from children's primary school initially, but now very good friends of four years. We have lots of nights out, coffees and lunches at each other's houses. We have supported each other a lot over the years, and it has been great.

Four weeks ago I invited everyone to my garden for a late lunch at the end of this month - it is a delayed birthday celebration/ good excuse to get together. Everyone accepted and was really excited, it took some time to organise a good day for everyone.

Friend A calls me last night and tells me she can't make it, fine no worries. She then goes on to tell me she has organised a dinner the very same evening for twelve people. She has invited one half of the group (plus a few extras that are not part of our group) but not the others. And she hasn't included me either Shock which was awkward on the phone to say the least! I am not sure what she wanted me to say, I was just quite gobsmacked, so I said no worries, lets reschedule and left it at that.

I have since cancelled my lunch on that date, as it is going to be too awkward with half the group going to the 'after party' at friend A's house, and the other half left uninvited! The others do not know about the evening dinner yet.

I will meet them individually instead now I think.

To think she is a CF? Or is this okay?

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/04/2021 23:05
Flowers
babbaloushka · 13/04/2021 23:21

What were the other comments made about your house? Sounds like she couldn't bear to have the attention on anyone but her.

Drybird2020 · 14/04/2021 09:27

What a horrible situation. You've handled it with dignity and integrity, but it must still hurt. I'm sorry your "friends" have turned out to be so disappointing.

cameocat · 14/04/2021 10:22

@provencegal you sound brilliant and anyone who remains your friend is lucky to have you by their side. I always tell my DD that one utterly awesome friend is worth a hundred semi friends...

Just a thought... I wonder whether friend A has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and didn't like the thought of either driving and not drinking or some of you not drinking as they were designated driver. You talk about her being the life and soul, all nighters etc. it is possible that this has got out of hand in lockdown and she wanted a party on her own terms?

Original poster
provencegal · 16/04/2021 17:46

It could be alcohol cameocat as she is a big drinker, but she would usually ask one of the others to drive, so I am not sure that would prevent her.

The Whatsapp messaging is now in overdrive, as they seem to be trying to be extra jolly without me :)

I can't believe I have reached this age and this kind of infantile behaviour is still on going.

OP posts:
hannayeah · 17/04/2021 14:21

Have you participated in the WhatsApp at all since this started?

billy1966 · 17/04/2021 14:50

She is desperate to move things along, that's what the jovial WhatsAp is about.

I hope OP's silence is deafening.
My teenage daughters and their friends wouldn't dream of behaving like this.

There is a type of women that never matures into a decent human being.
They remain stuck in their drama filled, green with jealousy teen dynamics.

Text book examples in the OP's story.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 17/04/2021 15:19

My eldest is 9 and I#d be disapointed if they behaved like this! I can't say I'm surprised though as I have seen adults behave like this socially before. You sound fab OP and you're better shot of the drama, it's still a disappointment for you though!

Original poster
provencegal · 18/04/2021 10:58

No I haven't messaged at all on whatsapp or replied to a single message since this happened, and nor am I going to.

As of yesterday it went silent again. If I didn't know better I would say most of the group are involved, as they seem to be doing showy messages altogether, or are silent altogether. A very different pattern from the past, when we would all add messages randomly and reply randomly. Sometimes in fits and starts with the whole group and sometimes not. This feels more coordinated, and far more false cheerfulness.

I think Friend A has probably told some/all of them about this 'incident' and they have been testing the waters for a few days. I was very direct with her about my disappointment, I am sure she has shared that news with the others. I am just texting the other two separately, and keeping things low key.

My teen dds definitely behave with much more consideration and care. I have organised a few evenings with other friends now, and feel much better about it all. If I see them it will be a bright and breezy hello but nothing more. They are a very poor investment in terms of time and energy! Somewhat relieved I have managed to find a quiet escape hatch.

Looking back at Friend A there were lots of little digs, who needs friends like that??

OP posts:
deardia · 18/04/2021 11:19

Why would you cancel your party!?? Especially when you know she wanted you to.
Who cares about awkwardness, you gave that date first, let your friends come have a great time. Forget about where they'll be going next.

Original poster
provencegal · 18/04/2021 11:45

I think you missed half of the thread deardia my friends usually come for the afternoon and evening, so they can't be in two places at once. One has already said she was about to cancel my lunch, I am sure the other would have to. Leaving us with less than half the group. Our lunches are usually whole group gatherings, so be actually very awkward.
Why would I want to go to the time, trouble and expense to host a half baked lunch that was going to be awkward?! It would be very strange to want to do that just to make a point.

I have rescheduled to a restaurant lunch with the other two friends and left it at that. No need for me to do anything more. Both friends are now aware I did not cancel out of choice, but because friend A made alternative plans on the same date It is not good, decent or kind to choose my day, but there we go, life is too short to dwell on why Friend A seems to be a manners deficiency.

OP posts:
Original poster
provencegal · 18/04/2021 11:46

*have a manners deficiency.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/04/2021 12:01

Absolutely agree OP.
When people show you who they are, believe them.

If teens did this to each other there would be outrage, but like I wrote I have found all of my teens AND their friends to be both kind and considerate of each other.
Flowers

deardia · 18/04/2021 12:08

You say your were good friends with A, why then were you not invited to her dinner?

deardia · 18/04/2021 12:10

Why did she call you and tell you when she knew friends B&C will pick her party over yours? It would seem one of them must've shown concern that it is on the same day and feel terrible to cancel on you after accepting invitation, which is probably why friend A called you in the hope you cancel

DeciduousPerennial · 18/04/2021 12:31

Deardia, are you one of OP’s friends sent to stick up for A by any chance???

A behaved abysmally in the first place, and then continued to do so. OP dealt with the matter to her satisfaction, and in a dignified manner (and with far more dignity than A).

Why bother turning up to try to rehash the entire thing, seemingly with the sole aim of rehabilitating the actions of A?

deardia · 18/04/2021 12:52

I just read the whole thread. I responded previously before reading it all.
I don't know why my replies would make you think am As friend Confused

deardia · 18/04/2021 12:54

Definitely op keep away from them and stick to your real friends. It's not worth having that type of stressful fake friendship. It's terrible at that age they can behave in such a childish way.
Leave the WhatsApp group after a week or so, are your two friends that weren't invited on that group?

Original poster
provencegal · 18/04/2021 12:57

Well that is an extremely good question, why has friend A only invited half the group?

I have no idea what her intentions were to choose a date that had already been agreed by all of us, I had already arranged all of the lunch/drinks and food already, timings and lifts.
Why choose to have a dinner on the same day, cancel your friend's lunch, invite only half the group and hope that no one would mind one bit?! Confused

So that is probably why most people think I am right to distance myself.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/04/2021 13:30

Are the two that you hope to remain in contact with indulging in the hyperbole on WhatsApp OP?

Original poster
provencegal · 18/04/2021 13:53

One is yes, alive and well messaging in a similar way to the rest.

The other one however has been as quiet as me. She is the stronger and more principled out of the two, relying less on the 'group' as she has lots of other friends as well. It is interesting that she hasn't been on at WA at all. She was the one that also double checked that it was definitely the same day friend A organised dinner for the others, I am not sure she could believe it either. I confirmed it most definitely was, and then we neither of us touched on it again Grin

I may have salvaged one friend from the wreckage potentially anyway Grin and she was always my silent favourite, as she is such an interesting person so it is not a complete car crash. One decent of value is probably better than a group anyway, so this might turn out for the best in the end.

OP posts:
deardia · 18/04/2021 14:14

It's interesting one of the friends that isn't invited to the dinner is participating in the WhatsApp mssgs, isn't she upset that she hasn't been invited, or isn't she aware of the dinner ?

billy1966 · 18/04/2021 14:49

'Chaff from the wheat' OP.

It's all good👍

Original poster
provencegal · 18/04/2021 14:59

I think she is quite desperate to hold onto the group, so she has clearly decided to accept the situation for the sake of staying in with friend A.

OP posts:
MakingPlans21 · 18/04/2021 15:02

I wouldn’t have cancelled. Even if not everyone turned up it would have been better to have a small celebration and catch up than nothing. She sounds unpleasant, not caring about the rules or your feelings.

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