Friend is rude, yes or no? AIBU?

[provencegal]

Please help me work out if I am being over sensitive.

Friendship group from children's primary school initially, but now very good friends of four years. We have lots of nights out, coffees and lunches at each other's houses. We have supported each other a lot over the years, and it has been great.

Four weeks ago I invited everyone to my garden for a late lunch at the end of this month - it is a delayed birthday celebration/ good excuse to get together. Everyone accepted and was really excited, it took some time to organise a good day for everyone.

Friend A calls me last night and tells me she can't make it, fine no worries. She then goes on to tell me she has organised a dinner the very same evening for twelve people. She has invited one half of the group (plus a few extras that are not part of our group) but not the others. And she hasn't included me either which was awkward on the phone to say the least! I am not sure what she wanted me to say, I was just quite gobsmacked, so I said no worries, lets reschedule and left it at that.

I have since cancelled my lunch on that date, as it is going to be too awkward with half the group going to the 'after party' at friend A's house, and the other half left uninvited! The others do not know about the evening dinner yet.

I will meet them individually instead now I think.

To think she is a CF? Or is this okay?

I don't need her approval
I don't need 'friendship' like this
I thought we were all adults, this is not my thing at all!!

To be complete honest, I think a variation of this has been happening for a while, but because I am so busy and I don't really care if who is meeting who, I haven't noticed it very often. She definitely does top list though, and seems to enjoy the others vying for her attention/invites etc. I have tended to coast along and not get too involved, to now.

1angelic I will definitely see the others, and arrange something else on another day so no one loses out. I have rearranged one already, and will organise the others. I just can't do this lunch. It will get messy and competitive, and I am not up for that.

It’s like your punishing the friends who were looking forward to it!

Especially the ones who aren't invited to the dinner. Cancelling (after they accepted the invitation) sends the message that you don't consider it worth having people over for lunch if it might just be them.

Are all your kids in school togther still?

Sorry she is a b*tch. Either she doesnt care and went ahead with the date or thought you would be a push over.

I'm with 1angelic – you should go ahead with the friends who can make the lunch. You're now making it messy by cancelling on them. It really does feel like you're cutting your nose off to spite your face.

So nasty and rude.

At least you have a solid excuse to avoid.

Only the dregs of society behave so rudely.

I can well understand you not wishing to have such drama in your life.

She is not a friend and sounds as common as muck to behave in such a way.

Think about who you wish remain in contact with and move forward.

Some women are truly awful the way they have to cause drama.

don't believe your friend is unaware of what she's doing. She's made the group choose between you or her. FWIW i think fading out is probably the best route. No unpleasant arguments, nobody has to take sides and you can still see the nicer ones out of the group. Who needs the drama?

Yes and to save them the pain, I have done it for them. It is just embarrassing and difficult and cringy.
I will take the good ones, and leave the rest to the drama, because this is not for me.

As an aside, the lunches/meals sound fascinating! Lunch as an all day event isn't something i've ever done

I can highly recommend this format! So much fun, and relaxed, and no one is tired the next day.

That was a nasty phone conversation.

Have you actually asked those two friends if they’d rather lunch with you or go to the dinner?

An assumption was made by you that they’d naturally accept her invite? Really they should decline as they’ve already accepted yours?

Is it worth messaging them each individually to have that conversation?

I’m also wondering why her dinner automatically trumps your lunch?

I’m also wondering if she called you to bully you to cancel so those two friends would come to her dinner. Would they maybe have already turned her down due to the lunch? It feels like a power play and you’re being too doormat about it.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

It’s like your punishing the friends who were looking forward to it!

Especially the ones who aren't invited to the dinner. Cancelling (after they accepted the invitation) sends the message that you don't consider it worth having people over for lunch if it might just be them.

God, you're right! Cancelling sends the message that the friends left out of the dinner aren't good enough company to have lunch alone with.

Sorry meant ‘you’re’
Yes I understand what you’re saying but as someone who is busy with work and children (like many of us) I would be thrilled to be going to something like this and be gutted you’d cancelled. What might have started as your desire to avoid drama, might actually come across as dramatic. If I heard that it’d had been cancelled because a few friends couldn’t come I’d assume you weren’t content with just me snd the ones left, which is quite hurtful.

I promise I will message the other friends individually and reorganise a lunch with them, making it clear it is a simple rescheduling rather than cancellation. They will be fine I am sure of it.

She really isn't your friend if she treats yo with this little respect. Reorganise your event for a new date and leave her out. She seems pretty thick skinned so it won't be a problem.

Have you actually asked those two friends if they’d rather lunch with you or go to the dinner?

I know the other two well enough to know they would NEVER turn down the dinner, it will be an all nighter and something they would prefer over a lunch. Hands down. As Friend A knows.

The other two, I have already reorganised one already and will invite the other, so they do not feel let down. Once I have explained in person, they will totally get it.

One of the two invited to Friend A's has already replied to say she was going to have to cancel my lunch anyway - so I wasn't wrong sadly!

Do you really think some of them would have cancelled on you for her invitation?

I wouldn’t want to be friends with them, either.

Do you really think some of them would have cancelled on you for her invitation?

100% and one has replied to confirm she was going to do that.

These people are not my friends hanna

I do think it is disrespectful.
If we had actually had a conversation about it, together, about how we can work around the problem that would have been different. It was her announcing her dinner, on my date, and really no conversation to be had.

I just can’t understand why you cancelled

Because I would rather see just one or two from the group individually now pegasus

Then I think it’s a blessing in disguise. It’s an opportunity to get rid of false friends.

It’s more than disrespectful and it’s rude of the others to cancel you for her. It’s pretty disgusting and disloyal and just bad manners. Power play. She’s made it clear to you who’s more popular. I wouldn’t invite those friends again. Or have any more contact with friend A. She’s a Class A bitch actually and you’re betting off cutting her dead and being blunt about it or just ghost her. No reply and no phone pick up bothers these people more than confrontation. Total silence. If she messages you don’t reply.

What a CF.
Go ahead with your original plan OP and enjoy your day. If the CF can't make it then that's her problem not yours.

Your lunch sounds like my nightmare. That's not a lunch. You both sound exhausting.

Are the children in year 6? Is she phasing people out now primary school is almost over?

So the group is kind of split anyway.

I am close friends with Friend A and D.
I don't see friend B and C so much. It is friend B and C that have been invited, and I don't see them as great friends.
Friend E fits in with everyone.

I intend to see mainly Friend D and E going forward. Let D and C decide for themselves and give Friend A a miss altogether. I don't want to be part of a group like this with terrible manners, manipulation and what feels like back stabbing.
It is not my thing at all, and I would rather move on quietly.

All dc now in secondary school, and have been for a while.