Friend is rude, yes or no? AIBU?

[provencegal]

Please help me work out if I am being over sensitive.

Friendship group from children's primary school initially, but now very good friends of four years. We have lots of nights out, coffees and lunches at each other's houses. We have supported each other a lot over the years, and it has been great.

Four weeks ago I invited everyone to my garden for a late lunch at the end of this month - it is a delayed birthday celebration/ good excuse to get together. Everyone accepted and was really excited, it took some time to organise a good day for everyone.

Friend A calls me last night and tells me she can't make it, fine no worries. She then goes on to tell me she has organised a dinner the very same evening for twelve people. She has invited one half of the group (plus a few extras that are not part of our group) but not the others. And she hasn't included me either which was awkward on the phone to say the least! I am not sure what she wanted me to say, I was just quite gobsmacked, so I said no worries, lets reschedule and left it at that.

I have since cancelled my lunch on that date, as it is going to be too awkward with half the group going to the 'after party' at friend A's house, and the other half left uninvited! The others do not know about the evening dinner yet.

I will meet them individually instead now I think.

To think she is a CF? Or is this okay?

She was super rude.

Totally un-necessary to cancel the lunch.

But hey, at least you don’t have to listen to her problems any more.

I had a 'friend' like that. We started as work colleagues, that led to occasionally meeting for lunch at the weekend. My 'friend' frequently told me about 'get togethers' at her house for the majority of the group. I was never invited. I ignored it for a while, but admit I was hurt by the non invite. It was awkward because some of the others used bring it up in conversation that they had been to her house that weekend, and I never quite knew what I was supposed to say in reply.

It came to a head when she asked me if I'd like to meet for coffee one weekend. When I went there, during conversation, she told me that we 'weren't really friends'. I didn't know what to say to that! I was stunned. More by her rudeness tbh.

She was/is insecure I think beneath her brash exterior. But she is not a nice person.

Its a difficult one OP as you're part of the group. I wouldn't go out of my way for her and tbh I'd find it hard to do anything other than keep her at arm's length.

@Stokey

I think she is being a bit rude, did she give any reason for choosing that particular day that you had already booked?

I wouldn't have cancelled though, I'd just go ahead, you booked it first. To be honest, the people who were going on will probably arrive at hers a bit jaded anyway after 2 social occasions in a row.

Also she's breaking the law having 12 people over to dinner, even if it's in her garden.

This. Add the ones not invited will find out from everyone else and you won’t be the one telling them.

There are some odd responses on here. Your 'friend' is awful and the best way to deal with the situation is to back away not get involved in a battle of the bitches drama. People like her love confrontation. I think you did the right thing by cancelling. What on earth does it matter if she thinks you're weak? Her opinion of you doesn't matter. You'll organise something nice for the people who you like at another time. Social events get cancelled all the time, you're just postponing, I don't understand why people on this thread are saying it's so bad, or strange to do that.

I do wonder if she had in fact organised her evening do before yours but told you it was a recent plan. Could she have been wondering what to do about the clash for quite a while before she called you? She's still horrible because she didn't invite you but perhaps the clash wasn't deliberate?

OP,
Hard to believe that you are in contact with her several times a weèk, and she confides in you, yet still thought she could be so appallingly rude.

It is such BASIC manners to not back out of an arrangement because another invitation has arrived.

Good lord, it's something you teach to children, and they understand it too.

This will probably end up being a gift OP.
I've honestly never heard of such appalling manners but better to know and to move on.

I certainly wouldn't be entertain her or her problems EVER again.

I hope you will update.

FWIW I think you have done the right thing
I would love an update from when she realises you will no longer be there for her
How do you think she will react?

@provencegal

michelle she has only just organised the dinner. So four weeks after she had accepted my invite.

So there's no question of it being a misunderstanding then. She's rude, and mean.

God what an utter knobhead

I'm so glad you're ok and have used this to reevaluate your relationship and move on stronger without her.

It's all a massive power play to her. She'll consider this a win. She expected to wreck your lunch but this is just as good.

But she won't expect you to shut her down and not be there pandering to her any more.

Honestly what childish dickish behaviour. You sound awesome op. Anyone with half a brain and decency will see what's happened. And anyone not sticking by you isn't worth knowing

Thank you all, well I agree it is pretty shitty behaviour, but for whatever reason she felt this was a good move.

Who cares about looking weak? The objective is to heed the sign and get fucking rid. No one needs a showdown for that to happen

^ 100% this. pictish I am not getting involved in battles, and trying to win anything. I could not care less if she thinks she has 'won' good for her - but in my world friendships and good manners do not work like this. I am doing the running for the hills moment friendship wise.

I am not going to pitch myself against her, asking the whole group to take their pick. No way. Not because I am weak, but because I absolutely detest game playing and dishonesty.

To me, she has shown herself to be weak and desperate, wasting good friendships to score points. So good luck to her. I am not playing.

I am not fifteen, but properly grounded in middle age. I am trying to be a strong model to my own dc.

So better to quietly rearrange the nice friends. Fade out the friendship. No drama, no pitch battles and nothing for Friend A can say now. Low key change of date to me seems to be the best way to go, no one loses. No one is forced to decide what side they will choose. It is not fair on them.

If they were my only friends, maybe this would not be a good situation, but I have so many better friends that I can be spending my time and energy on. It is really low grade in my view. Gutter level.

I am not investing anymore time in this.

So she phones you several times a week to emotionally dump her problems on you, but forgot to mention the problem of finding a dinner date that wouldn't impact on you?

Well, she said it, you're all so busy. Shame you won't be able to listen to her problems any more.

The friendship not the thread obviously!

I am a good friend, I actually expect a lot from her.

I think she calls twice a week, but messages more regularly by text and whatsapp. Not a casual friendship at all, which would be more understandable.

How utterly bizarre

You rock OP
Completely the adult and dignified way to deal with such nonsense

I would cool it a bit with her and let her do her thing. You see your friends and be “ busy” if she wants you to do stuff.

provencegal you are doing the right thing.. the game playing is awful.

@provencegal sounds like you have the right idea, step away from the friendship. What an absolutely bizarre thing to do? Just see the friends you really get on with separately, who has got time for this kind of thing?

Are D and E invited? Could you do something low-key with them that evening instead?

Well done op, it sounds like your doing the right thing. I've had this sort of thing happen before (also with mum friends) strangely I can't remember this ever happening before children. It's such a shame that some people have to play a popularity game within friendship groups. Instead of proving themselves the most popular they just succeed in imploding the group and ruining what could have been great friendships, but you are well and truly better off out of it and just giving your friendship to the kind ones.

Thank you everyone, feel so much better for talking about this.
I will keep you updated, but happy just to let it play out, however they like, and I will check out.

The old saying on here is to avoid the pick me dance, and I am definitely choosing to do that rather than get embroiled in a nasty tit for tat. Sometimes it is better just to draw a line, and walk away. Some people are damaged way more than we see, or have private battles that are not obvious. Whatever is happening now, best to step away I feel.

Thank you for the support everyone - love this forum xxxx

@Notoriouslynotnotious

If I was invited to your lunch and not invited to her dinner I’d be a teeny bit miffed that you cancelled. If I was invited to your lunch also invited to hers, I would not have gone to hers because I already had plans.

I really don’t think you needed to cancel.

I'm wondering if this is why she told you. She expected you to cancel so that those that said they couldn't make it to hers will go now. I don't get the cancelling. If I'd accepted yours and said no to her on that basis or if I'd been left out of hers I'd probably feel a bit hurt by your cancellation.

Op I would do the same as you are.

Step back gracefully and rearrange but only with the smaller eclectic group you really want there and don't mention it to the others.

No drama then is there and at least it's a good excuse to step away from twat friend now

Do you think she is aware you're upset?

It sounds like she's in touch a lot, I'm assuming that will continue. Have you decided how you'll respond to her messages? I'm guessing if she relies on you for support her messages/calls might well get more frequent and demanding if she feels you pulling back.

It sounds to me like an awful lot of strangely indirect assumptions are being made, and there are some strange things going on.

For one thing, I would have no compunction at all about accepting lunch and dinner invitations for the same day, because a lunch wouldn’t normally clash with a dinner — it’s only a ‘pick me’ issue if you’ve set it up that way. For another, I think it’s incredibly poor form to cancel a lunch because of some teenage rivalry drama — it signals to the other guests that you see their presence as less important than being seen to be ‘dignified’ in your dynamic with A.

Absolutely, she has behaved with breathtaking rudeness, but she appears to be allowed to do so by you acting like a doormat. Anyone would say ‘Let me be sure I’m getting this right. You’re cancelling on me because you’ve suddenly decided that only one night in 2021 is possible for a dinner party?’ That’s not confrontation, a ‘pick me’ dance, or a pitched battle, that’s being an adult and communicating. But you’re hoping your mutual friends will communicate what you seem unable to, which is pretty juvenile.

Cancelling your lunch isn’t ‘dignified’, it’s the equivalent of a teenage flounce while imagining how sad everyone will be at your funeral.

But the real issue here is that you don’t actually seem to like the majority of the people involved at all!

@katy1213

Well, you're silly to cancel - it's only awkward if you make it awkward. She's not obliged to invite everyone she knows for dinner - 12 sounds as many as most people could cope with. You had a nice lunch with a crowd of friends who were - all but one - happy to accept. And now you've got nothing.

I agree with this, so voted YABU.

It’s not unreasonable to feel disappointed though.