Friend is rude, yes or no? AIBU?

[provencegal]

Please help me work out if I am being over sensitive.

Friendship group from children's primary school initially, but now very good friends of four years. We have lots of nights out, coffees and lunches at each other's houses. We have supported each other a lot over the years, and it has been great.

Four weeks ago I invited everyone to my garden for a late lunch at the end of this month - it is a delayed birthday celebration/ good excuse to get together. Everyone accepted and was really excited, it took some time to organise a good day for everyone.

Friend A calls me last night and tells me she can't make it, fine no worries. She then goes on to tell me she has organised a dinner the very same evening for twelve people. She has invited one half of the group (plus a few extras that are not part of our group) but not the others. And she hasn't included me either which was awkward on the phone to say the least! I am not sure what she wanted me to say, I was just quite gobsmacked, so I said no worries, lets reschedule and left it at that.

I have since cancelled my lunch on that date, as it is going to be too awkward with half the group going to the 'after party' at friend A's house, and the other half left uninvited! The others do not know about the evening dinner yet.

I will meet them individually instead now I think.

To think she is a CF? Or is this okay?

Good for you, OP, you have your head screwed on.

How on EARTH did she tell you that some of the group were invited to her dinner, but you weren't? Such a hard nosed thing to do.

She told me the others had already accepted, not and not only that but her dinner parties are pretty legendary. They are not going to cancel on her, put it that way. You are decent, they are clearly not.

I’m guessing that your friend arranged this first and you didn’t know because you weren’t invited, in which case she hadn’t done anything wrong, except I suppose not invite you?

Incredibly rude.

planty I don't want to be part of the group anymore. Far better to cancel and fade out. I am not going to all the trouble of organising a lunch for some of them will no doubt cancel on the day, realising they can't fit both in (as friend A) knows. There is drive involved and the timing will never work.

Our lunches work like this.
We arrive around 2pm - lunch at 3pm and continue for a few hours, drinks and chats finishing usually around 9.30pm. This has been the case since we first started them, so there is no way they can do both. They would have to cut mine short, or turn up at friend A's house at 10pm or later! Which is never going to happen, as Friend A knows.

No, she arranged this a few days ago.

Wow. She’s out of line here and it’s a deliberate snub. If it was me, I’d message each of your lunch guests individually. I would say (to the ones not invited to the dinner)
“Hi. Just to let you know I’ve decided to go ahead with our lunch date as planned. I hope you can still make it? I had a bit of a shock which is why I jumped to cancel. Friend A rang me to say she’d organised a dinner for the lunch date and was insinuating I should cancel. She’s invited half of the lunch guests to the dinner. Not me. I wasn’t sure what to do but I’d like to go ahead with those of us not included in her dinner plans. Hope you can still join me”

Then to the ones invited to the dinner I would message
“Hi, just to let you know I cancelled the lunch as Friend A called me to say she’d invited you to dinner on that day so it was a clash. I’d like to invite you to join me for lunch on a different day if you’d like to join me”

To friend A nothing. Again. Ever. Don’t messsge her again. If you’re not good enough for dinner then bin her off.

She’s out of order and no friend OP

Do NOT fade out. That entire group invited accepted your invite. They like you and they are your friends. Reschedule with them without her. Do lots excluding her. Invite them individually to a group thing. Don’t let those friendships go, that’s what she wants

In that case OP she is in proper mean girls territory.

She has more cheek than 10 bums

I would have cancelled too.

Absolutely huge mean girl vibe. What sort of person does that? My advice would be to steer clear of her. No one needs those kinds of games in their life. The very best thing you could say about her is that she's grossly insensitive.

That’s horrible, she’s horrible.
But please do meet up with your other friends, I’m sure you have many genuine lovely people to celebrate with!

Very rude of her, to the point of being intentionally offensive.

But I would not have cancelled, and I think it was a mistake to do so. Your lunch was organised first, and any awkwardness is not your responsibility. There is no reason to assume people would drop out, and this way it sort of looks as if you are flouncing.

I’d get my lunch back on. Pronto.

I wouldn't have cancelled mine...wd have explained to whomever showed up that half your invitees were poached & then got on with having a great evening. And very unfriend-like of her also hosting half your friends when she is also a 'friend' but didn't think to include you.

It all sounds a bit childish, but I agree that you were rude to cancel your lunch.

I think she is being weird organising for the same day but I would not have cancelled my plans - it was awkward for her not for you! I would have got everyone together and had a right all time!

Do NOT fade out. That entire group invited accepted your invite. They like you and they are your friends. Reschedule with them without her

Yes some of the others and I are good friends. I thought I would organise seeing them in a very low key way. Very much want to avoid any drama. A lunch here, walk there and fade friend A out altogether. I don't intend to meet as a group again.

This did feel very pointed and very unkind.

For those asking the conversation was up there with the best when it comes to brass neck.
Friend A: 'Really sorry I can't come to your lunch provence, but I had to cancel my dinner in the lockdown and it needs to be rescheduled now as everyone is going away overseas as soon as possible. So it has to be that date'

Me: 'Okay well maybe you can come to the next lunch, no worries these things happen'

Friend ' Yes lets organise lunch another time. Obviously I would have loved to have invited everyone, but the limit is 12 and so only friend B and C are coming'

ME: 'Oh so you invited some of our group, that are coming to my lunch on that day?'

Friend: 'Yes, it was all arranged months ago'

Me: 'Okay well thats quite tricky on the same say Friend A given the distances and times, not sure that is going to work, and what about friend D and E?

Friend A: ' No they are not coming. I am glad I called to explain, you have been so good about this. As I said it really can't be on another day as everyone is so busy [chuckles]

Me: ' I have to go Amazon at the door (thankfully delivery from Amazon arriving and buzzing relentlessly by this stage) Talk soon'

I think she’s been really nasty. Phoning you to tell you this is plain weird.

mmmmm a bit naughty and you wouldn't be doing tit for tat you had already organised your do .....sounds to me she aint no friend.....start distancing yourself she seems to be creating a spiteful girls group don't be fooled ....aaand don't be excited when she does invite you to another do as in you are in the (top list !)and some are left out to feel isolated...... bullying and very manipulative ! you don't need her approval !

Well yes she was being rude, but why on earth would you cancel your lunch? If your lunches go on til late then the people who have been invited would need to excuse themselves early and the rest of you can continue with your own fun.

She's a cheeky bint, but that's on her, not you.

I don't believe your friend is unaware of what she's doing. She's made the group choose between you or her. FWIW i think fading out is probably the best route. No unpleasant arguments, nobody has to take sides and you can still see the nicer ones out of the group. Who needs the drama?

As an aside, the lunches/meals sound fascinating! Lunch as an all day event isn't something i've ever done.

@provencegal

planty I don't want to be part of the group anymore. Far better to cancel and fade out. I am not going to all the trouble of organising a lunch for some of them will no doubt cancel on the day, realising they can't fit both in (as friend A) knows. There is drive involved and the timing will never work.

Our lunches work like this.
We arrive around 2pm - lunch at 3pm and continue for a few hours, drinks and chats finishing usually around 9.30pm. This has been the case since we first started them, so there is no way they can do both. They would have to cut mine short, or turn up at friend A's house at 10pm or later! Which is never going to happen, as Friend A knows.

Ah, that's my kind of lunch, OP!

Your "friend" has pulled a really shitty move if she knows that's how your lunches usually pan out. But don't step away from the group, that's just playing into her mean girls narrative. In fact, I would still stage the lunch with the friends not invited her to shindig. Why should you all miss out on a nice catch up just because she's being a bitch?

I don’t think you should cancel. It’s like your punishing the friends who were looking forward to it!