Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

[Sightforsoreeyez]

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

I only had a small wedding with no evening do, but at every wedding that I have been to where there have been extra guests for the evening the evening guests enjoyed themselves as much as the day guests. No-one felt like second class citizens. Clearly my family and DH's family don't think evening invitations are rude.

We went to an evening do about three years ago, and the bride and groom laid on a luxury coach for all the evening guests from our village so that we didn't have to fork out for taxis. We didn't feel snubbed at all, and had a lovely time.

@Aprilshowersandhail

No a friend. She had put pics on Instagram and my dd saw them (I haven't got sm).

Still confused, sorry 🤷🏻‍♀️

@thinkfast

Having evening guests isn't very nice OP.

However if they accepted the invitation, they should've turned up.

I've declined any evening only invitation I've received. They are just to boost numbers after people start drifting off. It shows you're not that friendly with the person if they don't get invited to the whole event.

Peoples concepts of evening invites absolutely baffle me, surely you’d recognise that someone inviting you for the evening wasn’t a close friend, maybe a neighbour or a work colleague, or a distant cousin you don’t see very often - yes, obviously it’s not someone you’re really close to but most people have acquaintances like that in their lives and it’s quite easy to understand that you’re not as close to them as immediate family

@Aprilshowersandhail

No a friend. She had put pics on Instagram and my dd saw them (I haven't got sm).

I get it now. Your friend was invited to the wedding, without her dc, but got them outfits, showed them off on social media which your daughter showed you , then friend brought them to the wedding where they nipped into lots of the photos.

Cheeky.

@PrelovedWithValue

An evening guest? So someone that isn't close enough to invite to your marriage ceremony?

Wouldn't bother me.

Nor me.

A friend of mine rang the morning of my wedding to cancel because she was 'tired'.

Haven't spoken to her since. 21 years ago. Food then was £40 a plate.

@coogee

It amazes me why some people assume that invites for evening guests are somehow second class or sub-standard in some way.

You can always attend the ceremony itself as well if you really want to.

Only if it’s a church, you can’t do that if it’s a ceremony at a hotel

I wouldn't hold a grudge, if it was pre-pandemic. Slightly more so if it were now, as the extremely tight restrictions might have meant the exclusion of someone important.to you.

There are two things involved, and I'm not sure which is is really upsetting you. One is the not showing up - which especially as it was to the evening 'do', not the wedding itself, would not bother me;. The other is the unreliability of not letting you know. The latter would annoy me to an extent, and might make me less likely to invite them to future occasions with limited numbers; but I would not hold a real grudge, or refuse ever to see them again

@Sightforsoreeyez

Oh ok well if people are turning this into an evening guest debate then I’m off. That’s not the thread.

People do things differently. Your way isn’t the only and right way.

If I get invited to anything and don’t go then as a decent human being I tell that person.

Bye.

But not to hold a grudge for two years about it.

Erm, I wouldn't be holding a grudge for an evening guest, no.

How do you know they chose to go drinking with their friends instead?

It was just an evening invitation?! You obviously didn’t care that much about them or you would have invited them to the whole day.
Perhaps they were pissed of fat only being invited to the evening do.

Absolutely I wouldn’t meet them up, or just send them a message saying you haven’t been in touch since they didn’t turn up to your wedding and not let you know. I would have had lots of friends that would happily have come to my evening do at a days notice as they knew we were having the tiniest of family weddings due to budget.

Two issues are being mixed up here.

Is the OP entitled to hold a grudge because an evening guest chose not to come or got a better offer? No, not really.

Is the OP entitled to hold a grudge because someone accepted an invitation and then flaked out and just didn't turn up? Probably yes. It's incredibly rude, inconsiderate behaviour.

If you don't want to go, don't accept the invitation. It's not a summons.

*My ex husband did this (at our own fucking wedding).

Half an hour in and I couldn't find him, I didn't have a phone on me and I couldn't remember his new number.

Eventually tracked him down and he'd gone to the pub with his mate down the road. Didn't come back either, said it was all "too posh" (it wasn't) and boring.*

Wow.

I'm very relaxed about who comes and doesn't come to my big occasions, and wouldn't hold it against someone who didn't come (so long as they let me know in advance!) But even I consider that it's unacceptable for the GROOM not to show up for the full thing!!! I'm not surprised he's an ex.

Perhaps they were pissed of fat only being invited to the evening do.

Right, and that makes it ok to accept an invitation and then not turn up? To get back at the bride and groom for only inviting them for the evening, I guess . If you're "pissed off", then send regrets and don't go.

I think you're right to be annoyed and right to get some sort of apology but I'm not sure it's worth holding on this for so long. They may well be wanting to explain when they meet you in person but two years later would be a bit odd.

As for evening guests debate, I think it's silly when people say ' they can't have meant that much to you to only be evening guest'. I don't agree with that at all, the bridal couple can't invite everyone they want for the day, that's why people do invite others in the evening. Not meaning that much to someone would be not inviting them at all. I've been an evening guest and wasn't offended in the slightest. I know it's hard for people to stick to set day time numbers. I get for some people being an evening guest can be a pain logically but it doesn't mean they are thought of any less IMO.

Only if it’s a church, you can’t do that if it’s a ceremony at a hotel

Yes, you can. Wedding ceremonies are public events. Note the open doors bit...

Marriage Act 1949

2)Subject to the provisions of this section, a marriage solemnized in a registered building shall be solemnized with open doors in the presence of two or more witnesses and in the presence of either—

Don’t understand the problem with evening guests either. The party is the best bit. At my first wedding we invited family who I hardly knew who love the ceremonial stuff to the ceremony part, then people who I liked much more and liked to have a good dance and party came to the evening bit. It was way more fun. I love getting invited to the evening, you can wear better clothes too.

We had two day guests not turn up to ours. Dh's close family friend and her wife.

They were people we saw roughly once a month socially and were fairly good friends with (dh grew up with d friend).

We spoke to them 5 days before the wedding, I discussed outfits with d friends wife, they were both excited, 100% coming...they'd booked and paid for a local hotel to stay in.

They didn't show. Dh and his brother spent around half an hour during the reception trying to reach them as we were genuinely worried and thought they must have been in an accident or something.

We found out through a mutual friend the next day they were fine, definitely no catastrophe. We tried contacting them several times over the next week, no luck, no response to messages. They live a couple of hours away so not local enough to pop round.

We've never seen or spoken to them since... 7 years and counting. They're BOTH still friends on our Facebook and both still like the odd Post of ours or leave the occasional comment about how big the dc are, happy birthday, etc. But they will read and not respond to a message and don't answer the phone to us.

It's the most bizarre thing we've ever experienced. We've gone from worry to anger to upset to bemusement to feeling fairly amused by it. I only don't block them on social media from sheer morbid curiosity as to whether they'll ever choose to engage with us.

@Sightforsoreeyez

Don’t get the impression that I sit there and think about this all the time, I just found it very rude at the time. We had limited guests anyway for the day.

If it were me I would have messaged the bride/groom so they would have at least seen it at some point (even the next day).

This thread doesn’t need to be an evening guest debate, people have them and some don’t. Whichever way you view them doesn’t mean your opinion on evening guests is superior and the only right way.

The only thing I would say about the evening guest list thing is that to many it is considered to be classed distinctly as being a B list friend and/or a more casual invitation. I don’t think a wedding invitation should ever be considered casual but I can think of other incidents among friends where an evening only invitation has been misunderstood as more flexible. However, it is really bad mannered to accept a formal invitation to what is obviously an important day for someone and then not bother turning up. I would probably not be in a massive rush to catch up with them as they don’t sound very considerate.

This happened at my wedding. Text me the day before and was all excited but then didn't show . I half expected it to happen so I wasn't surprised. One of my other friends was furious on my behalf though. We haven't spoken since but I don't hold a grudge.

If it was an evening guest I probably wouldn't care that much. I would still think it was impolite not to let me know, but I'd let it go.

If it was a daytime guest I would care massively because our daytime guest places are very expensive and they are the people who are very close to us. So that would upset me yes.

@MrsKoala

Don’t understand the problem with evening guests either. The party is the best bit. At my first wedding we invited family who I hardly knew who love the ceremonial stuff to the ceremony part, then people who I liked much more and liked to have a good dance and party came to the evening bit. It was way more fun. I love getting invited to the evening, you can wear better clothes too.

It's often an afterthought, not a good party. No food or shit food, no drink or expensive drinks. And any that expect you to travel, give a cash gift, just naff AF plus they tend to the be the worst. I just decline. Usually decline all of them, though, because I can't abide events that go on for hours and hours unless they're fun.

It would depend on what the entirety of my relationship with that person was like. Perhaps the 'couldn't be arsed, was in my PJs response' is an indication of the state of the friendship overall, in which case you'd be forgiven for being equally nonchalant.

Ideally if someone accepts an invitation they should attend, although holding a years-long grudge over an isolated incident isn't something I'd do unless that incident fell into the category of unforgivable. This doesn't.

@thebillyotea

"evening guest" is not a guest, just someone you invite to make up the numbers with a clear message they are not on your A list, or some random from your mums book club that you never met but she would be happy to see.

If you wanted to see a certain person to your wedding, you invite them to the wedding.

It's the "evening guest" who could be entitled to hold a grudge for being treated like that, if they were under the impression you were friends.

What a load of absolute crap. If the OP’s friend was so horribly offended, she had the very, very simple and perfectly acceptable option of turning down the invite. The idea that she would be ‘entitled’ to hold a grudge at this is pathetic.

OP - it all comes down to whether you want this friend in your life or not and, if you do, to what extent. If she was the kind of friend you could go out and have a laugh with, but were not close to, maybe a catch-up and a few drinks could be fun - you just have to remember she’s not someone to rely on in a crisis. If, on the other hand, she was someone you considered a very good friend and she hasn’t even bothered with you since ignoring your wedding, maybe she isn’t worth the effort.