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Original poster

Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

509 replies

Sightforsoreeyez · 11/04/2021 12:10

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/04/2021 14:59

@DandelionSprout

I’ve never forgiven the couple who didn’t turn up to my wedding. They RSVPd two weeks before, said they were definitely coming (to ceremony and reception) then just didn’t show. No apology afterwards either, nor an explanation. I could have invited someone else to have those two seats and meals. Still furious even though years have passed.
Very different from an evening invitation.

Personally I despise the whole British wedding that goes on far, far, far too long in the traditional sense and is usually shit as involves long periods of standing round with FA to do and not enough food or drink.

Evening do's are afterthoughts that are usually even more shit.

I like the weddings that start at like 4pm or short ones. Over and done with!

toffeebutterpopcorn · 11/04/2021 15:00

Well if they were a dick of accepting then not bothering to turn up. Forget it now - don’t let it be a memory of your big day.

tinglymint · 11/04/2021 15:04

Either it's rude to commit to an event and not turn up or it isn't. Day guests vs evening guests is irrelevant in my opinion. The friend was rude to just not turn up if she rsvp'd/told you she was coming.

I wouldn't hold a grudge but I wouldn't forget it either.

GreyhoundG1rl · 11/04/2021 15:05

[quote weakpanda]@GreyhoundG1rl possibly, no idea why he had mil babysit his two kids at my wedding though when his youngest was at home with the mother (they had separated)[/quote]
Oh, I see. We're the kids invited, and of an age where they actually wanted to be there? If not I get your point.

Hoop148 · 11/04/2021 15:08

I think being invited as an “evening guest” is like being a second tier friend. So they probably didn’t feel like it mattered much if they went.

Would they have had to travel or stay overnight to go to your wedding just for an evening? Or was it local?

LawnFever · 11/04/2021 15:12

@Hoop148

I think being invited as an “evening guest” is like being a second tier friend. So they probably didn’t feel like it mattered much if they went.

Would they have had to travel or stay overnight to go to your wedding just for an evening? Or was it local?

So you just say no thank you and don’t make anyone expect you’re going, it always amuses me how personally some people take the concept of an evening invite, it’s just an invite nobody’s forced to go
LawnFever · 11/04/2021 15:15

@Lndnmummy

I think evening invites are beyond rude. So rude
Would you rather get no invite at all then?
MrsKoala · 11/04/2021 15:16

I’ve found people who aren’t married have been like this with us OP.

H’s best man didn’t turn up to our wedding and didn’t call because he was tired from a flight back from the USA the night before. H had to keep calling him and then he answered and casually said ‘no mate, I’m not gonna make it’. A couple of Hs friends from uni texted an hour before the wedding to say they’d only just realised they’d double booked and had another wedding to go to - which wouldn’t sound like quite as much bollocks if they hadn’t been travelling from Leeds to London for our wedding, so would have had to have left way earlier and booked trains etc. In fact we purposely got married at 4pm to give them time to travel down in the morning.

We haven’t had much to do with any of them since. Especially the second couple who then sent us an invitation to their wedding without our 3 month old ebf baby which would have required a 2 night stay, and then they got pissed off when we politely declined in plenty of time, as they thought we’d have ‘wanted a break from the baby’. Not sure what they thought we were going to do with ds1 or why we would have put ourselves out after the way they behaved with our wedding Confused

Weddings bring out the twats in so many people.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/04/2021 15:19

Would you rather get no invite at all then?

Yes.

Especially now so many of these evening do's have moved from being a notice up in the works kitchen to ones being where guests are supposed to travel and stay over the same way all day guests are and being send requests for money as gifts and then not even given so much as a sausage roll and a glass of warm Lambrini. Just a gift grab.

Lemons1571 · 11/04/2021 15:21

I’ve never forgiven one of DH’s friends who didn’t bother coming to the full day he was invited to. Other friends went to pick him up in the morning and he said he couldn’t be bothered. He never contacted us, we ran into him a few years later and he said oh yeah sorry I couldn’t make it.

Haven’t forgiven him 20 years later Grin

Munkeyface · 11/04/2021 15:22

We had 5 people 'not turn up' to our wedding.
All day guests.

1 was friends partner - he was a police officer and called up to work at short notice. (Acceptable reason I think)

Another was the wife of a friend. sick child at home (another fairly acceptable reason)

Husband & wife - my boss at the time. Apparently car
broke down. Shady excuse

Most annoyingly the wife of our best man. As she was unwell. Turns she was pregnant but looking at dates only 4 weeks max.

The last one still annoys me 15 years later. She could've come to the ceremony and made excuses to leave. They are still part of our lives and it's never been mentioned that she was disappointed to miss our wedding.

MrsKoala · 11/04/2021 15:24

Most annoyingly the wife of our best man. As she was unwell. Turns she was pregnant but looking at dates only 4 weeks max.

I could never have attended a wedding at 4weeks pregnant, not unless you wouldn’t have minded me bringing my own bucket to wretch into every few minutes. I felt like death warmed up till 12 weeks.

Cherrysoup · 11/04/2021 15:27

For an evening guest, I wouldn’t care. If it were full reception and payable per person, I’d be really pissed off.

The numbers were strictly limited and I had paid £30 a head.
When I saw her on the Monday she said she had been 'all cosy in my jim-jams and I just couldn't be bothered'.

I hope you told her, I’d be expecting the money back, tbh.

LawnFever · 11/04/2021 15:28

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Would you rather get no invite at all then?

Yes.

Especially now so many of these evening do's have moved from being a notice up in the works kitchen to ones being where guests are supposed to travel and stay over the same way all day guests are and being send requests for money as gifts and then not even given so much as a sausage roll and a glass of warm Lambrini. Just a gift grab.

So just decline, don’t get worked up about it Confused
DarkMatterA2Z · 11/04/2021 15:31

I wouldn't hold a grudge but I wouldn't bother with them either. I'm struggling to find enough opportunities to meet up with my good friends since we're all quite busy with work/kids etc. No way I'd make the effort for someone who hadn't been bothered to do the same for me. So no grudge but just deprioritisation.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/04/2021 15:32

I do! But I can see why some people just blow it off.

DontBeRidiculous · 11/04/2021 15:33

If it bothers you, it bothers you. (Iit would bother me, so I get it!) You don't need to justify your decision, if you choose not to meet up with them again. Either you want to see them or you don't.

If you think you'd like to maintain the relationship, meet them again and try to let go of the grudge, but if you know that you'll just be resenting them the whole time, there's no reason to prolong the death of the friendship.

thinkfast · 11/04/2021 15:35

Having evening guests isn't very nice OP.

However if they accepted the invitation, they should've turned up.

I've declined any evening only invitation I've received. They are just to boost numbers after people start drifting off. It shows you're not that friendly with the person if they don't get invited to the whole event.

KihoBebiluPute · 11/04/2021 15:36

If you only invited them to the evening part of your wedding you already sent the message loud and clear that they aren't a top tier friend and you aren't that bothered about them. So no it's not reasonable to bear a grudge if they decided to spend the evening with friends who valued them more highly. Still it's nice to maintain these more distant friendships with occasional meetups and catch ups, both understanding that you aren't each others bestest chums but are happy to keep friendly.

jessstan2 · 11/04/2021 15:37

I wouldn't hold a grudge, that would damage me, but I would relegate them to the periphery of my life and ignore.

dotdashdashdash · 11/04/2021 15:38

We didn't ask for rsvps of evening guests, so we didn't expect anyone to come. I really couldn't get worked u p about it.

But then again my aunt and uncle didn't turn up due to some petty issue (I didn't invite my cousin who I hadn't seen for over 20 years). They didn't tell us, just left empty seats. I still talk to them.

viques · 11/04/2021 15:39

@Aprilshowersandhail

On the morning of the wedding my dd showed me pics she had uploaded on Instagram of her dc in full wedding guest attire .. Could hardly ring her and tell her not to bring them. One wore a fuchsia pink dress and is peeping into every bloody photo like Where's friggin Wally? Grin
So these were your grandchildren? And not invited to your wedding? Or am I reading your post all wrong.
Aprilshowersandhail · 11/04/2021 15:39

Not sure if it has been suggested but agree to meet up. Take your wedding album and make the conversation wedding talk only.
Yours..

Aprilshowersandhail · 11/04/2021 15:40

No a friend. She had put pics on Instagram and my dd saw them (I haven't got sm).

BluesInTheSun · 11/04/2021 15:40

If they only merited an evening invitation I’m assuming you weren’t that close so you should try to get over it.