Page 10 | Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

Dentistlakes · 11/04/2021 16:34

I wouldn’t hold a grudge, but I would be annoyed. Their place would have been paid for in advance or at least catered for and it’s rude to accept an invitation and then not go because you got a better offer. I don’t generally accept evening only invitations unless it’s someone very close and the wedding isn’t far from home. I’ve been to a couple as a plus one and it feels really awkward to arrive part way through the celebrations.

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 11/04/2021 16:36

Did they get in touch afterwards to explain and apologise? It is really rude - especially since they presumably accepted. I wouldn’t meet them

Butchyrestingface · 11/04/2021 16:37

I take it the evening event doesn't include the meal? If it did include the meal, think I'd be very annoyed.

Otherwise, I'd be inclined to let it go. But I'd probably be inclined to let the friendship go too.

Are you absolutely sure they went out boozing instead? Who told you this?

DuesToTheDirt · 11/04/2021 16:38

Only if it’s a church, you can’t do that if it’s a ceremony at a hotel

Yes, you can. Wedding ceremonies are public events. Note the open doors bit...

Our wedding had strictly limited numbers at the registry office ceremony. We wanted a few more people and asked if the extra people could stand at the back, we were told no due to fire regulations.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 11/04/2021 16:43

@DarkMatterA2Z

Perhaps they were pissed of fat only being invited to the evening do.

Right, and that makes it ok to accept an invitation and then not turn up? To get back at the bride and groom for only inviting them for the evening, I guess . If you're "pissed off", then send regrets and don't go.

Exactly. It amazes me how many people think it’s dreadfully rude to issue evening only invites, but don’t seem to see any issue with someone accepting such an invite and then just not turning up. There’s nothing rude about declining an invitation if you’re not happy to go, but accepting it and then justifying it as ‘Well, they didn’t want me there THAT much’ when you simply can’t be arsed to go.

Fluffycloudland77 · 11/04/2021 16:44

Evening events are shit ime, freezer section food & £8 a glass of Prosecco so acidic you could strip paint with it. Over eager photographers &

We had bacon or sausage baps at ours served in big silver salvors, no flour on the baps & a vegetarian option for the vegetarians who all ate the meat option 🤨. All day. “I’m vegetarian, but I eat bacon” 🙄🙄🙄 said with no hint of insight whatsoever.

littlepattilou · 11/04/2021 16:46

The OP is not coming back is she?

nitsandwormsdodger · 11/04/2021 16:47

As an evening quest Id not think I was special nor expect to be missed in the crowd but covid number change things

littlepattilou · 11/04/2021 16:49

@DarkMatterA2Z and @StillCoughingandLaughing I totally agree. There's nothing really wrong with an evening only do if you're just mates, colleagues, or acquaintances. Some people are so pissy and precious.

But it IS nasty to say you're going and then not turn up. (With no warning that cannae be arsed to go.)

I would love to know if this is the first time the 'friend' had been in touch since the wedding 2 years ago, (and I did ask TWICE!) but as the OP has bogged off, I guess we will never know!

IJustLikeBiscuitsOK · 11/04/2021 16:49

I didn't show up on the day to my old best friend from school, just friends at the time, wedding. We grew up together, did everything together until uni, then kept meeting up when we were both home. On the morning of the wedding, I stupidly fell down a curb going to the car and broke my leg. I felt dreadful, I sent her and her M.O.H a message explaining the situation whilst in A&E, it was a bad fracture so I wasn't just sent on my way otherwise I probably would I have still tried to attend, made my Mum drop the card off with an (increased) amount of money in it to try and cover my "costs" and I sent flowers a week after. She's never spoken to me since.. So I am not sure, but I think people do get really worked up about this and if you don't want to meet your friend just don't. Being ghosted is awful though, so just send a polite text. Did you have a nice wedding otherwise? I hope so.

HalzTangz · 11/04/2021 16:51

@Sightforsoreeyez

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

I would be more bothered that those that did show up had a good time. I wouldn't hold a grudge, life's to short for that crap

stillcrazyafterall · 11/04/2021 16:52

YANBU I still seethe that one of DHs best friends said he was coming to the wedding and reception and didn't turn up. It was a small wedding - like 50 people, so noticeable. Never heard from him again (have checked he is alive) and this was 26 years ago! So Trevor, if you're reading this, you're an arse! 😡

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 11/04/2021 16:55

I had a no show to the day. She messaged me really late the night before to say she probably wouldn’t be able to come because she didn’t feel up to it. My prediction is she’d underestimated how long it would take to pack as she was moving the day after my wedding. Too late to invite anyone else or tell the venue to take someone off the bill. I was furious!

Our mutual friends were also furious and told her so. I and the mutual friends haven’t spoken to her since.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 11/04/2021 16:56

Meant to add:

OP, YANBU!

WombatChocolate · 11/04/2021 16:58

It is rude to just not turn up. If it’s really offended you, be a grown-up and say something rather than looking for passive-aggressive revenge.

When you do some if the things mentioned on here, you really stoop their level and below. No need.

With any large event, there will always be some no-shows, you just accept that. Yes, you’d hope they will let you know, but I’d also expect there to be one or two no-shows who don’t say. It’s disappointing but hi stay not worth bearing a huge grudge over. If you do, it implies you lack important things in life to think about and focus on. They were rude, but you can easily move on from this.

MrsExpo · 11/04/2021 17:01

I didn't show at a family wedding for very good reasons a few years ago. It was at very short notice (the day before the wedding!) ....... I called the bride's mothers (my cousin) and told her, apologised profusely, she totally understood the situation was unavoidable and seemed OK with it.

She hasn't spoken to me, sent a Christmas card or otherwise been in touch since. (I send a card every Christmas none the less).

WombatChocolate · 11/04/2021 17:02

This thread reminds me how disappointingly petty and self-absorbed people are. Some bear a grudge or build a little sleight into such a big thing, that it makes me wonder about human nature.

Things happen. People make mistakes and they do rude things. Unless your self esteem is so fragile and you’re so self absorbed that you really cannot cope with it, just shrug and move on. And if your self esteem is so fragile and you’re so self absorbed for this to take on so. Cub importance and focus in your mind, then really have a look at how you can address this....you’ll probably have a more pleasant life with less feeling annoyed and offended all the time.

DarkMatterA2Z · 11/04/2021 17:06

@littlepattilou. Yes, I'm amazed that people seem to think that issuing evening invitations is worse than simply not showing up.

Should you have evening guests at a wedding? - this is a question of etiquette/taste on which people can have different opinions. However, no one has to accept an evening invitation.

Should you accept an invitation and then not show up without a decent excuse? - anyone with any manners whatsoever would consider this rude, boorish behaviour.

An invitation is an invitation, not an option. Once you accept it, you're committed. It's not something you get to do if nothing better shows up in the meantime.

coogee · 11/04/2021 17:22

Our wedding had strictly limited numbers at the registry office ceremony. We wanted a few more people and asked if the extra people could stand at the back, we were told no due to fire regulations.

In that case, if you haven't got an invitation, you would need to get there early to make sure you had a seat.

Not that you would likely be winning any popularity contests.

WestendVBroadway · 11/04/2021 17:24

We had a family of four who did not turn up to our wedding reception (day) did not bother to I form us. Haven't spoken to any of them since. It is downright rude. This was 20 years ago.

Changechangychange · 11/04/2021 17:25

One of DH’s friend’s weddings, one of the two ushers didn’t turn up “because he was shagging his new girlfriend” (who was also invited). Just turned his phone off on the day. He had been assigned jobs to do on the day, and B&G had bought him a suit, paid for a hotel room him and GF for the evening, etc.

They are still actually friends - I have no idea how, I would have wanted to murder him if I had been the bride.

BluesInTheSun · 11/04/2021 17:26

This has truly been enlightening. In my culture it would be a lot more acceptable to invite the number of people you can afford to host properly, than it would be to have evening guests. This has only come up while I’ve been wedding planning so I’m glad I now know to treat them less casually than I initially presumed.
To RSVP and not turn up is bad manners but I truly do not understand how OP found the energy be upset for years about this. From my (admittedly small) experience of British weddings OP missed out on a five minute conversation, a dance and at most one drink and a roll was wasted. A grudge seems unnecessary.

purplecorkheart · 11/04/2021 17:29

Had they RSVPed?

Fluffycloudland77 · 11/04/2021 17:32

Trouble is that roll cost the bride and groom best part of £20-30.

I only had one evening guest but the first 50 was free.

BluesInTheSun · 11/04/2021 17:32

@Changechangychange

One of DH’s friend’s weddings, one of the two ushers didn’t turn up “because he was shagging his new girlfriend” (who was also invited). Just turned his phone off on the day. He had been assigned jobs to do on the day, and B&G had bought him a suit, paid for a hotel room him and GF for the evening, etc.

They are still actually friends - I have no idea how, I would have wanted to murder him if I had been the bride.

That’s such bad behaviour