Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

[Sightforsoreeyez]

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

If it was a full day guest then yes I would be annoyed. In my case I agree I should have messaged appologising, but I did get the impression I was only being invited (two weeks before) to make up numbers, so I didn't feel she was that arsed. However she's barely spoken to me since except to meet up to accept some second hand baby clothes, so maybe she was.

@Matilda1981

I think we need to know how many were invited to the ceremony and how many to the evening bit? Everyone’s implying that evening guests are second class citizens but I’m only having 30 to my ceremony (including my 4 girls as bridesmaids) so limited numbers and then we’re having a massive party afterwords so really the people invited in the evening aren’t ‘second class citizens’ they’re al of our friends!

Don’t worry about it, it’s only on Mumsnet I’ve seen this fucking bonkers stance, not in real life.

‘Second class citizens’ 🤣 get over yourselves!

@Annny27

I had a day guest do this at mine and it was 5 years ago but I intend on holding this grudge for life 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Haha, you are me - 6 years ago this summer and I’m still annoyed. We didn’t have evening guests so she missed the ceremony/meal/evening bit too. Sent her husband on his own which I thought was even odder, and he looked so awkward about it (the invite was for both of them but she was the family member, he was only there as her guest).

A lot of people on here making assumptions about how big the wedding was. You can have a small wedding to keep costs low and still have a small party in the evening. I think making assumptions about what is and is not important to the bride and groom is offensive.

Seriously?
Were you checking your phone during your wedding day to watch out for messages from people who couldn't now make it?
I expect she thought you wouldn't see a message anyway and so didn't bother.

*It amazes me why some people assume that invites for evening guests are somehow second class or sub-standard in some way

"well, they are."

No they arent. They really aren't. It has been explained many times on this thread why many people can't afford the space or money to pay for everyone for day and evening. People are just so easily offended.

@PrelovedWithValue social anxiety is horrible, but it doesn't mean that you can't at least notify someone if you can't attend something.

@PrelovedWithValue social anxiety is horrible, but it doesn't mean that you can't at least notify someone if you can't attend something

I totally agree. I've never said otherwise.

I think evening invites are beyond rude. So rude

I have never been invited to the afters of a wedding and generally do not attend weddings as an evening guest. But I usually let you know beforehand. I only go to very close friends wedding and have only been to one work colleagues wedding and he was very touched. I would not invite people to the afters of my wedding unless they want to come and cannot make the full day.

@Bonniegirlie

Oh, I would be so bothered about this. I would never forgive it and certainly wouldn't be bothered meeting up. In fact I'd probably arrange to meet and then not turn up................

I'd do this!

Not sure how people are arguing that evening guests are not second class.
Of course they are. Evening guests are well aware that they are down the hosts' pecking order, or they would have been invited to the main ceremony. Nobody invites a random work colleague to the main ceremony and their mum just to the evening on the basis that evening do guests are equally valued.

@LizB62A

Seriously? Were you checking your phone during your wedding day to watch out for messages from people who couldn't now make it? I expect she thought you wouldn't see a message anyway and so didn't bother.

Well this, obviously! The idea that making contact with the bride on the wedding day itself to jabber on with your piddly little excuses is the thing to do beggars belief.

No. I think evening invitations are crap, though, and decline them all. But to hold a grudge like that for 2 bloody years?! Why not be honest, tell them you're still angry. I wouldn't want to continue a friendship with someone who was giving me headspace rent free for years over something so minor and buried their feelings rather than communicating with me.

Evening only? Pfft, clearly you didn’t care that much - and neither did they…

@Haggisfish

IMO why bother inviting people to evening only?

Because some people know far more people than they could possibly afford to invite to the whole day?

Whole thing = relatives, v close friends and those travelling a long distance.
Evening only = everybody else eg work colleagues, other friends and neighbours.

I couldn't get my knickers in a twist about something so trivial, grudges are pointless and cause those wrinkles between your eyebrows! Let it go.

@Scarby9

Yes. I hold a grudge about a former work colleague who didn't turn up to my 50th and didn't let me know. The numbers were strictly limited and I had paid £30 a head. When I saw her on the Monday she said she had been 'all cosy in my jim-jams and I just couldn't be bothered'.

So f..king rude of her!

@Crunchymum of course bil was invited.

His dentist appointment was more important

I still hold a grudge 10 years later that my bil sent two of his kids with mil to my wedding as he had a dentist appointment. He finally picked them up at 8pm

Was your BIL not invited to the wedding or did he decline in favour of the dentist?

I wouldn't be offended by an evening no-show. Evening invites don't have to be RSVP'ed. People often stick an evening invite on the staff noticeboard.

If the no-show was a person I hadn't bothered with in two years, I definitely wouldn't be offended.

I’ve never forgiven the couple who didn’t turn up to my wedding. They RSVPd two weeks before, said they were definitely coming (to ceremony and reception) then just didn’t show. No apology afterwards either, nor an explanation. I could have invited someone else to have those two seats and meals. Still furious even though years have passed.

Because some people know far more people than they could possibly afford to invite to the whole day?

Whole thing = relatives, v close friends and those travelling a long distance.
Evening only = everybody else eg work colleagues, other friends and neighbours.
Then "whole thing" should be something that ensures you can absorb the cost for everyone, even if this means a hog roast in a rented field.
No need for this tier arrangement with only the chosen few being deemed worthy of a sit down meal because the venue is Insta worthy.
If you want them there, host them properly.

[quote weakpanda]@Crunchymum of course bil was invited.

His dentist appointment was more important [/quote]
Maybe it was more important, if he was in severe pain?

@madmara

I still hold a grudge 10 years later that my bil sent two of his kids with mil to my wedding as he had a dentist appointment. He finally picked them up at 8pm

Was your BIL not invited to the wedding or did he decline in favour of the dentist?

I wouldn't be offended by an evening no-show. Evening invites don't have to be RSVP'ed. People often stick an evening invite on the staff noticeboard.

If the no-show was a person I hadn't bothered with in two years, I definitely wouldn't be offended.

Bil was coming to our wedding, first I knew about his no show was at the reception. His two kids were sat at my table as mil was babysitting them.

No they arent. They really aren't. It has been explained many times on this thread why many people can't afford the space or money to pay for everyone for day and evening. People are just so easily offended.

I think they can be. If money is an issue, have a cheaper venue? The constant insistence in this country that a wedding 'needs' to be huge and expensive (and on starting married life massively in debt rather than appearing 'poor') makes no sense to me.

We could have had a very opulent time with a small number, and a large evening party (that's what most places offer around here), or the village hall, BBQ and invite all our nearest and dearest (c.100), which is what we went for. I've also been on the receiving end of an evening-only invite to a stately home venue in the middle of nowhere (no local places to stay and the B&G fully aware I couldn't drive (disability) at the time) when everyone else in the friendship group received a full weekend full-board invite... I took the hint and gave my apologies It also caused huge embarrassment to one of the full-weekend invitees, who had assumed I was being treated the same as everyone else and felt terrible on my behalf (not going to lie, I was initially very upset, but I got over it).

I understand maybe inviting your colleagues to an evening-only thing, but then I personally wouldn't invite my colleagues to my wedding.

Anyway, I voted YABU because life is too short to hold grudges. Just move on. If you don't want to see them, then don't.

@GreyhoundG1rl possibly, no idea why he had mil babysit his two kids at my wedding though when his youngest was at home with the mother (they had separated)