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Original poster

Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

509 replies

Sightforsoreeyez · 11/04/2021 12:10

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

OP posts:
JeanneDoe · 12/04/2021 17:27

I find the whole evening guest thing a bit rude.
Sounds like you should either cut ties or forget about it.

swampytiggaa · 12/04/2021 17:30

@GreyhoundG1rl

swampytiggaa
I love an evening do! I’ve had some brilliant nights with added wedding cake 😊
Did you have a better time because you weren't at the full event? Odd take on it, really.

No because I also love an all day wedding. I have been known to go to the ceremony then back to the evening do.

I am aware of the cost of a wedding and am happy to celebrate with my friends in a way that doesn’t throw them hugely into debt.

I was invited to my nieces evening do... didn’t get upset because I wasn’t invited all day but thoroughly enjoyed going and meeting up with relatives I didn’t see very often. Much nicer seeing people at a wedding than a funeral.

HeartsAndClubs · 12/04/2021 17:36

Does it not depend slightly on circumstances? I know several people who have remarried because their first spouse was unfaithful- it would be a bit of a shame for them and their second partners for people to not come to their second wedding just because they’d been at their first one. big second weddings are a bit tacky though aren’t they? As are wedding vow renewals....

My cousin had a wedding which cost something near to £30k, and she left him after eleven weeks. Shock A couple of years later he made this big show of getting engaged to the woman he then started seeing, arranged to go into her workplace and propose, and then they put on another wedding to the tune of several grand, with the same best man, same ushers, everything. Hmm I didn’t not go because I didn’t approve, but given we were coming back from holiday the day before and going there after would have been a bit of a hassle given we didn’t live nearby, the fact that he’d already done this before meant that I didn’t really see his wedding as a big deal.

twinmum2007 · 12/04/2021 17:36

We had three people pull out of our wedding celebration - sit down meal & party (we'd had ceremony abroad) - on the day. One was ill, fair enough, one couple decided to split up that day (i was so cross they couldn't have held it goether just for one extra evening) and one just didn;t bother to turn up. She was a colleague of DH's. We never saw or spoke to her again!!! Hold onto that grudge!!

ilikemethewayiam · 12/04/2021 17:37

Sorry but this would piss me off if numbers were limited and I’d excluded someone else in favour of your friend who then just didn’t turn up!. The whole evening guest thing is a red herring. Food is generally provided by numbers yes someone not turning up had cost OP money. It’s just disrespectful. She didn’t have the decency to just text so someone could have gone in her place. I have been really close to people but only got an evening invite because they could only afford family to the day. I’ve never been offended and wouldn’t have dreamed of just not turning up in the evening. I’m honoured to be a part of their day albeit the evening part. I really wouldn’t bother with her again. She’s shown you how important you are in her life.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/04/2021 17:40

one couple decided to split up that day (i was so cross they couldn't have held it goether just for one extra evening)

Jesus.

RampantIvy · 12/04/2021 17:42

And there is nothing intrinsically wrong with that. Less important isn’t the same as unimportant.

Oh, well said @StillCoughingandLaughing.
I can't get over how easily offended people can be.
We have been invited to an evening do later this year. I am not offended
I never expected any kind of invitation. It was nice to be invited.

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/04/2021 17:43

One was ill, fair enough, one couple decided to split up that day (i was so cross they couldn't have held it goether just for one extra evening)
You cannot be serious 🤣🤣🤣

Alis25 · 12/04/2021 17:43

If it was a limited guest list then yes I’d be bothered. Very rude of them.

thebillyotea · 12/04/2021 17:46

@RampantIvy

And there is nothing intrinsically wrong with that. Less important isn’t the same as unimportant.

Oh, well said @StillCoughingandLaughing.
I can't get over how easily offended people can be.
We have been invited to an evening do later this year. I am not offended
I never expected any kind of invitation. It was nice to be invited.

I assure you none of us is remotely offended because a random on a public forum chose to have a 2-tier invite system at their wedding Grin.

You can find something tacky or cringey without being offended you know.

puddleduckmummy · 12/04/2021 17:46

I wouldn’t hold a grudge for them not attending. However, I wouldn’t be meeting up with them because I just wouldn’t see the point.

twinmum2007 · 12/04/2021 17:48

@GreyhoundG1rl

One was ill, fair enough, one couple decided to split up that day (i was so cross they couldn't have held it goether just for one extra evening) You cannot be serious 🤣🤣🤣
Oh yes. The husband rang my DH 3 hours before they were due to arrive to say 'something had come up' & I even rang his wife because I was worried that something had happened to their little boy. She didn't even mention the reason, just that that it wouldn't be fair for them to come and put a damper on the evening. Well, love, the £70 you cost me did that!! (it was 20 years ago, before that makes me look cheap!!)
SmoggieC · 12/04/2021 17:49

I would still be annoyed definitley just as I am still annoyed at those who came to my day do and didn't even get us a card. 11 years ago

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/04/2021 17:52

Yes, thebillyotea. I find the offended accusations bloody tedious. There are relatively few things which are truly offensive, trivialising the word like this does nobody any favours.

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/04/2021 17:55

Shame about your 70 quid, Twinmum, but would you really have considered it well spent had the couple put a brave face on it and come and partied just for you, despite what they were actually going through?!

It was a sunk cost at that point. Totally irrelevant.

PurBal · 12/04/2021 17:57

@PrelovedWithValue

An evening guest? So someone that isn't close enough to invite to your marriage ceremony?

Wouldn't bother me.

This to be honest. Also the reason we didn't have an evening do. I always see evening receptions as optional and I never go to them. Though I do at least tell people this from the get go.
PurBal · 12/04/2021 17:58

We had a no show at our wedding. Didn't bother me then or now.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 12/04/2021 17:58

I no-showed to a wedding once as I got a verbal invite but not an actual invite so wasn’t exactly sure what wAs going on. Did they have a proper invite and rsvp’d to it? If so it’s unreasonable to no show and no apologize/give excuses after.

Livpool · 12/04/2021 18:04

1 of DH's friends did this - in fact he was drinking in the city centre and walked past our venue on his way home!

He is notoriously flakey though. I couldn't care less about something like this to be honest

HeartsAndClubs · 12/04/2021 18:06

one couple decided to split up that day (i was so cross they couldn't have held it goether just for one extra evening) how very dare they not pretend to be happily married for a day longer just so they could go and make up the numbers at your wedding. Jesus Christ.

It was only £70. As opposed to their whole lives. But that put a dampener on your wedding? Skewed priorities much?

paws17 · 12/04/2021 18:07

Yes, it's undoubtedly rude for anyone formally invited to any official "do" not to give their apologies in advance - but don't forget how it might feel to be given an evening only invite when you may have been led to believe that you were thought highly enough as a friend to be invited to the main event.

I try not to hold on to grudges - for my own sanity's sake - but it still rankles that a very close friend "demoted" us to evening only because we happened to have had children in the interim period - and didn't think to ask us if we could have got babysitters for the kids, which we'd have been happy to do...

Crosstrainer · 12/04/2021 18:08

I’m not a big fan of evening invitations; as others have said, it does smack of “B list” and it is pretty grim to rock up to a do at your allocated time, to stand around awkwardly while people finish the dinner which has overrun, only to be faced with a cash bar and a few peanuts. But - if you can avoid the above and you ask a discrete group of people who know each other (eg colleagues from work, friends from a sports club or hobby) and aren’t having to travel too far, then I don’t see the problem. I wouldn’t put myself out massively to go to an evening party, but I wouldn’t think it unreasonable in those circumstances.

Fembot123 · 12/04/2021 18:17

I agree @StillCoughingandLaughing there is nothing wrong with that.

Justcallmebabs · 12/04/2021 18:19

I had someone not turn up for the whole day, then message in the evening to say her BF had organised for them to do something for the day. Wasn’t impressed and never messaged back.

Never saw her again as 6 months later she suddenly died in her sleep. Always regretted not messaging back but tbh I think the friendship had been fizzling out.

Viviennemary · 12/04/2021 18:21

It was a bit cheeky of them. But I couldn't get too upset over just an evening invitation.

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