Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

[Sightforsoreeyez]

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

I don’t get the MN upset about being an evening only invitee.

In my world whole day invites are for family and close friends. Evenings are for work colleagues etc who aren’t so close. I would only invite for the evening those who live local ie I wouldn’t expect someone who was only invited to the evening to pay for a hotel. Taxi maybe.

It's really not a question of "expecting" anyone, whatever tier guest they are, to attend. Weddings aren't compulsory. We've occasionally attended as evening guests when the wedding has been held somewhere we want to visit anyway and made a weekend of it. We've also turned down inconvenient invitations.

It's a question of expecting those who have RSVP'd to say they are coming to attend.

@HikeForward. I would have thought because the couple wanted their work friend to share in a celebration of a milestone in their life. The friendship might be very new so they might not want to fork out £50+ for a breakfast meal if the friendship fizzled out. But the friendship might grow and be a strong one and years down the line, they might regret not inviting new friend in some way. Depends on the sort of person you are. Whether you have a fixed friendship circle or whether you are constantly making new friends.

Then "whole thing" should be something that ensures you can absorb the cost for everyone, even if this means a hog roast in a rented field.

This sounds wonderful: very festival-like. Anything for a change from the identikit 'packages'. It may be that COVID has shifted priorities or it may be that the old norms will gradually return, but I much prefer something with a spark of individuality.

All these grudges about such petty nonsense. No wonder the world is so angry.

I'd assume they were pissed off at not being invited to the main event and didn't show up to spite you

Goodness! How petty and small minded can some people get?

I remain surprised how few weddings lots of people have been to

And I’m surprised at how many weddings people on mumsnet get invited to. I am 62 and think I have been to less than 20 weddings in my entire life. DH and I both have small families and don’t have a huge number of friends (DH is deeply unsociable). I also think that back in the day weddings were more family focussed and people didn’t invite huge numbers of friends to them.

I see weddings as a big thing in people’s lives and a chance to celebrate with them. I want to celebrate with my friends and see it as a privilege to be invited to share the day in some form.
I remain surprised at how many people are actually pretty miserable and aren’t pleased to get a wedding invitation but feel annoyed about it or see it as a big burden.....are these people actually your friends and if so, why would you feel like this about friends?

I totally agree with both of these points @WombatChocolate. I think that people focus on the showy stuff too much – the hours and hours of Instagram style photos, matchy, matchy accessories, wedding favours etc when the main focus should be on a lovely wedding and making your guests feel like guests, not just extras in a photo shoot. The money is better spent on feeding and watering your guests not on the décor.

Of all the weddings I have been to, the evening do is much more of a party with friends and workmates and has never felt like a "second tier" invitation to me. It has always been a separate event as well. People need to get over this feeling of "second tier" nonsense and just accept the invitation as a celebration of someone you aren't that close to getting married.

They need to act like a grown up and not get pissy because they weren't invited to the day itself.

I don’t understand why people expect Tier 3/evening only guests to travel a long way, arrange childcare, sort out hotels, bring an expensive gift etc just to come to a disco with a free bar. Or why you’d invite acquaintances or people you don’t know well to this evening party eg why invite people you’d met on a course unless they’re real friends?

But why do you assume people ‘expect’ it? It’s an offer - they can say no. People travel for big birthday or anniversary parties; why is this any different?

@Tarantallegra

I'd assume that evening invites mean no cost so no limit and it wouldn't matter that much. If I'd said I was going then I would go though so I do think it's a bit rude

You assume that evening guests don't cost anything? Really? What functions have you been to in the evening that have been 'no cost', where food has been catered for and entertainment bought in? My daughter's wedding 18 months ago had a beautifully catered evening reception, which at £35 a head for the food alone, would have caused more than a bit of a 'meh' response if someone literally just couldn't be bothered to turn up on the day. (Obviously there will be occasions where an unavoidable 'no-show' is inevitable, but as one PP has said, a guest simply making the excuse on the following Monday that she was 'all comfy in her Jim-jams and couldn't be bothered' simply isn't one of these 🤷‍♀️)

How rude are some people to imply that an evening only invite means that guests are somehow less important! Often it is down to size of the venue and seating for the more formal 'wedding breakfast' following the ceremony that limits the day guest numbers. I've only ever come across this attitude on this site! It's so depressing, on thread after thread. Such entitlement...it's saddening.

How rude are some people to imply that an evening only invite means that guests are somehow less important!

they are, if they are not "important" enough to be invited to the actual wedding.

I'd rather not be invited at all than receiving a half-hearted evening invit frankly. Not being invited is absolutely fine, evening is rather cringey UNLESS it's someone who doesn't know you (neighbours kids, parents clubs friends or parents neighbours). Then it's a nice gesture.

Otherwise it screams of "I want a big wedding at low cost" so come and give me a gift but I don't have to invite you properly.

I am not rude, I don't RSVP yes and don't turn up on the day but still

Evening guests are less important 🤷‍♀️

I love an evening do! I’ve had some brilliant nights with added wedding cake 😊

I would. Got a similar situation where someone I worked with I invited to my whole wedding day but she cancelled the day before (when I had already paid for her place). Didn’t really speak after that but I am now her line manager at work and have to move past it.... not easy to do though

@swampytiggaa

I love an evening do! I’ve had some brilliant nights with added wedding cake 😊

Did you have a better time because you weren't at the full event? Odd take on it, really.

How rude are some people to imply that an evening only invite means that guests are somehow less important! Often it is down to size of the venue and seating for the more formal 'wedding breakfast' following the ceremony that limits the day guest numbers.

If you really want people, you chose another venue

It's not like there's a lack of choice and suitable venues, for any price range, to accommodate any number of guests.

You don't have to invite 200 people, but if you chose a venue for 25 guests, you were not bothered about the others. It's fine, but let's be honest about it.

Did she say that?! Or just that she’d had some brilliant nights? I had this mad idea that a brilliant night was a good thing.

Evening guests tend to be colleagues etc, when I’ve been one I’ve never felt humiliated 😂 I would be pissed off if it were a close family member but bite my tongue other than that so what.

How rude are some people to imply that an evening only invite means that guests are somehow less important! Often it is down to size of the venue and seating for the more formal 'wedding breakfast' following the ceremony that limits the day guest numbers.

If you really want people, you chose another venue

Amazing that this is still going completely over some people's heads. "But The Ritz will look so much better in the photos, of course I can't go anywhere downmarket, just to fit all my friends in. Who does that?!"
Amazing.

I decline too, both evening only invites and second or subsequent weddings. I find it strange watching someone make the same vows they have made previously with someone else.

Does it not depend slightly on circumstances? I know several people who have remarried because their first spouse was unfaithful- it would be a bit of a shame for them and their second partners for people to not come to their second wedding just because they’d been at their first one.

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Did she say that?! Or just that she’d had some brilliant nights? I had this mad idea that a brilliant night was a good thing.

Slightly disingenuous, aren't we? Or of limited understanding, maybe?

@Fembot123

Evening guests are less important 🤷‍♀️

And there is nothing intrinsically wrong with that. Less important isn’t the same as unimportant. I went to a great evening do for someone I’d been at university with. I was under no illusions that I was as important in his life as his best man, family or lifelong friends, and unless anyone was doing a very good job of hiding their seething rage, neither was anyone else from our uni crowd. But that didn’t mean we weren’t important full stop.

I don’t think ‘we’ are of limited understanding at all, thank you. Another poster said she’d had a great time at evening dos in the past and you had to pick that to bits. I understand THAT perfectly well.

@HalfTermHalfTerm

I decline too, both evening only invites and second or subsequent weddings. I find it strange watching someone make the same vows they have made previously with someone else.

Does it not depend slightly on circumstances? I know several people who have remarried because their first spouse was unfaithful- it would be a bit of a shame for them and their second partners for people to not come to their second wedding just because they’d been at their first one.

I find it tacky to have a big do for second and subsequent weddings as it is. I say that as someone who's been married twice myself.

@GreyhoundG1rl

How rude are some people to imply that an evening only invite means that guests are somehow less important! Often it is down to size of the venue and seating for the more formal 'wedding breakfast' following the ceremony that limits the day guest numbers.

If you really want people, you chose another venue

Amazing that this is still going completely over some people's heads. "But The Ritz will look so much better in the photos, of course I can't go anywhere downmarket, just to fit all my friends in. Who does that?!"
Amazing.

There are a lot of posts on this thread suggesting that brides and grooms who pick venues with limited capacity somehow don’t care about their friends. But aren’t the guests meant to care about the bride and groom too? Isn’t that why they’re going? I wouldn’t want any of my friends to miss out on the wedding they wanted just so I can eat an extra meal with them instead of arriving at 6 for the party.

There are a lot of posts on this thread suggesting that brides and grooms who pick venues with limited capacity somehow don’t care about their friends. But aren’t the guests meant to care about the bride and groom too

Why do you translate being realistic about the choices "not caring".
The bride and groom do what they want. It's not uncaring to point out that they have made a conscious choice.

I don't know about offended, but frankly unless it's my siblings or my children, I wouldn't and don't ever get upset about not being invited somewhere.

If a bride and groom put more importance in a fancy venue and posh photos than on family and friends, it's not a big deal. It's obvious though.

I see the OP has already flounced but.... the evening part of the wedding is only casual anyway. People turn up, have a couple of crappy sandwiches and sausage rolls, drink a few drinks at the bar and then leave.

The evening bit of a wedding is nothing like the day bit where you pay per head.

And I had an evening bit of my wedding as well given we were limited to 60 people during the day.
I don’t think it’s rude to have evening only guests. I think it’s fair enough that there are people you would want to see at some point during the day you just might not be able to cater for for the whole event otherwise where does it end?

I look at some of these threads and it becomes ever clearer why so many people struggle to make and maintain friendships.