Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

[Sightforsoreeyez]

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

@Coyoacan

People do things differently. Your way isn’t the only and right way

Another poster asking IABU and when told they are get the huff.

AIBU to wonder why did they ask?

To be fair, an awful lot of people didn’t actually answer the OP’s ‘AIBU?’ question. She asked whether she was being unreasonable to still be holding a grudge about her friend’s no-show; a worrying number of people ignored that to share their views in the merits of sharing such invitations in the first place.

But surely you know that you are better friends with some people more than others? If a friend, not a close friend, invited me to an evening do, I would be fine with that as it accurately reflected our friendship. As long as it wasn’t too far away, I would be happy to be invited. I would spend less on the present than a day guest. I see it as a chance to party and socialise.

But back to the original question- YANBU. I don’t see it as holding a grudge, more as having standards. I wouldn’t bother with the friend again.

Oh, that's another trend, huge weddings for second or plus weddings (after you spent a bomb on the first one), two-tiers, poems asking for dosh, travel and venues where they want the guests to book to quasi-pay for it, even evening ones, child free, then get all bent out of shape when you decline. Then apparently hold grudges.

I decline these days as have yet to be at an evening do that wasn't rather shit in the last 25 years. At least they were all local, though.

They all say the same, too, 'My evening do was fab!'

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Oh, that's another trend, huge weddings for second or plus weddings (after you spent a bomb on the first one), two-tiers, poems asking for dosh, travel and venues where they want the guests to book to quasi-pay for it, even evening ones, child free, then get all bent out of shape when you decline. Then apparently hold grudges.

I decline these days as have yet to be at an evening do that wasn't rather shit in the last 25 years. At least they were all local, though.

They all say the same, too, 'My evening do was fab!'

I decline too, both evening only invites and second or subsequent weddings. I find it strange watching someone make the same vows they have made previously with someone else.

@HikeForward

I really don't understand why people are so offended and so full of their inflated self importance that it has to be a full invite or nothing

Because it implies the bride and groom want attention, admiration and gifts from these people, but don’t like them enough to pay for their seat at the table. Or share the intimate parts of the wedding with them, like the actual ceremony. It’s an invitation to a party not a wedding.

Nothing to do with self importance of the guest and everything to do with the bride and groom wanting to be centre of attention IMO. More people to congratulate them, admire the dress, take photos, give gifts at no extra cost. They can cherry pick the real guests.

They don’t have to include you in the head count for the meal and champagne, may not even notice if you turn up or not. I’ve never known an evening do include food and alcohol unless it’s a pay bar!

Most weddings include travelling, paying for a hotel, finding a babysitter/nanny, time and effort with hair, make up and clothes, buying an expensive gift. Why would you want to do that if the bride and groom don’t value you enough to invite you to the ceremony and meal? It’s like being invited to a wedding that’s not a wedding.

Is being invited to a party a major insult these days? If you don’t want to go, you can just say NO. Plain, simple, two-letter, learned it before nursery school NO!!

Is being invited to a party a major insult these days?
Being invited to a party which has been going on for approx 6+ hours before you're allowed through the door, yes.

I’m beginning to see why you weren’t invited.

Who?

Being invited to a party which has been going on for approx 6+ hours before you're allowed through the door, yes.

I think you need to accept that a fair number of people aren't offended by that. In fact, I would far rather enjoy an evening do for three or four hours rather than an all day wedding party, followed by a further 3 or 4 hours. If everyone took your view there would be no evening dos at all because everyone would be too offended to accept.

If a friend, not a close friend, invited me to an evening do, I would be fine with that as it accurately reflected our friendship. As long as it wasn’t too far away, I would be happy to be invited. I would spend less on the present than a day guest. I see it as a chance to party and socialise.

That's exactly the view I take @Lonoxo. I think some people overestimate just how important they are to other people.

Being invited to a party which has been going on for approx 6+ hours before you're allowed through the door, yes.

I see them as quite different parties. The day is a ceremony followed by family photos and speeches and sit down formal dining. The evening do is often in a different room or at least the same room with furniture reconfigured and a disco/dancing. It’s a different atmosphere and different party.

If a friend, not a close friend, invited me to an evening do, I would be fine with that as it accurately reflected our friendship. As long as it wasn’t too far away, I would be happy to be invited. I would spend less on the present than a day guest. I see it as a chance to party and socialise.

Agree with this, also I’d say there are some people who I’d feel uncomfortable attending the day wedding but really happy to attend the evening. Like a work friend or similar.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Who?

You.

I agree it's rude to RSVP and then not turn up, but there was an RSVP for an evening do? The only ones I've seen that for are as described above. Used to be a sort of 'all skate, BYOB' type of thing. Bit like hen do's were hen nights, a night out on the town.

You thought I was talking about a non invite for myself? 😂. I don't know op, personally, so no 🤪

I see them as quite different parties.

So do I, because the ones I have been to were completely different. I think you have hit the nail on the head there @MrsKoala. It doesn't feel like I am a latecomer to a party, but a guest at a new party.

An evening do is far less formal, and is just a party rather than a solemn ceremony followed by a more formal gathering with boring speeches.

I have to say I did do this once many years ago but I figured, by the time it gets to the evening do, who would notice if I were there or not?

@GreyhoundG1rl

You thought I was talking about a non invite for myself? 😂. I don't know op, personally, so no 🤪

I’d assumed you’d been ‘relegated to B-list’ at a wedding at some point and that’s why you were so aerated on the topic.

No. I chose not to have a B list at mine. HTH.

That has never been my experience. You must have some really shit friends.

That's an odd observation. Quite a lot of these events are a little clunky and few are entirely seamless. Endless waits for photography, no food for ages whilst people stand about awkwardly, mediocre food or not enough food per head, are common complaints. That's usually because not everyone is a slick events organiser and many will be unused to hosting at all.

The penny-pinching 'evening dos' with nothing to eat but nibbles and an expectation of gifts of course stray over into CF territory. But I find people as a rule don't intentionally cock up aspects of their own weddings and because of that qualify as being 'shit friends'. That's quite a stretch.

I remain surprised how few weddings lots of people have been to. Often when people have their own, they ave been to 10 or fewer and often less than 5. Ideas about what makes the day work are limited and often people focus on odd things they’ve read about which are costly rather than the things that create a smooth and enjoyable day. I’m also surprised by how in one hand people bemoan the cost and can’t afford many foe the main reception, but also have huge evening dos and invite people they barely know.

So many threads about weddings with people moaning about either not being invited (or their kids not being invited) or moaning about being invited and expected to travel and being a gist when they don’t want to go. It’s very odd. Some people are desperate to go and others can’t face it.

I’ve been to over 70 weddings over many years. Only very rarely have I had an invitation ive been really surprised to receive, and the people have been good friends in my life at that point. Lots of moving around in my younger years and ending up with far flung friends, plus involvement in a number of organisations and gernarally being sociable, led to large groups of friends and contacts and when I moved, for many years I was very good at keeping in touch with people. I did trek the country to weddings for several years, spending lots of money and using lots of petrol. Usually it was was the full do but not always. I would always reply and I think only once did I have to cancel in the couple of days before. If I’d been invited to a wedding of someone that I barely knew, and it was a long distance, I think I might have declined.

Usually though, I was willing to out myself out. I see weddings as a big thing in peoples lives and a chance to celebrate with them. I want to celebrate with my friends and see it as a privilege to be invited to share the day in some form. So I will spend the money on a gift (probably do t go overboard on amount spent) happily and dig out a dress (no new dress for each of 70 weddings) and be willing to drive a large distance. Sometimes I’ve stayed over night and often it’s been with friends who live local to the wedding. I’ve sometimes driven home a big distance too or occasionally stayed in a TravelLodge type place. I wanted to go and was glad to go because they were my friends.

I remain surprised at how many people are actually pretty miserable and aren’t pleased to get a wedding invitation but feel annoyed about it or see it as a big burden.....are these people actually your friends and if so, why would you feel like this about friends?

And then the things that make a smooth day....foremost is managing the day so there isn’t any really lengthy hanging around with zero food or drink. Photos are the worst culprit but the issue can be minimised by ensuring there are some kind of drinks and perhaps cake to keep people going, along with shelter if it’s going to be cold. If odd meal times can be avoided that’s good, but not always possible. Spending the money on food and drink and a venue with enough chairs etc is far better than set covers, ice sculptures or a photo booth or favours. Ensuring theres someone with a loud voice who can manage the order of photos (and actually drawing up an order) makes a big difference.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Because some people know far more people than they could possibly afford to invite to the whole day?

Whole thing = relatives, v close friends and those travelling a long distance.
Evening only = everybody else eg work colleagues, other friends and neighbours.
Then "whole thing" should be something that ensures you can absorb the cost for everyone, even if this means a hog roast in a rented field.
No need for this tier arrangement with only the chosen few being deemed worthy of a sit down meal because the venue is Insta worthy.
If you want them there, host them properly.

For our wedding, it was limited numbers in the register office which meant a "tiered" arrangement.

The Register Office only allowed 20 people (due to space). This was very strict. So by the time we'd included immediate family + their partners and very close friends, we were almost at our limit. We invited some cousins to watch the ceremony, but we explained that their partners and children unfortunately could not come into the room where the ceremony was held. So that was "Tier One".

"Tier Two" ie sit down meal was for everyone at the ceremony, plus the partners and children who we couldn't accommodate at the ceremony.

Then gasp Tier Three was an evening buffet and disco with a bar paid for by us. This was work colleagues, less close friends (ie people I'd met in the year or so leading up to the wedding during a course I was doing).

I don't believe we did anything "wrong" here.

Most people don’t do anything wrong.

The wrong thing is that people are so easily offended and huffy. It’s so miserable when you think that this is about someone’s big day. You’d imagine people would feel pleased for their friend on their big day and glad to celebrate in the way they choose and works for them, but no, lots of people love to be offended by all kinds of things. It’s their problem to be honest.

I don't believe we did anything "wrong" here.

There's only one real no-no as far as I'm concerned and that's asking for money. It's terrible manners. As far as evening invitations go, in some circumstances, a work colleague I liked for example, I'd be happy to accept one (although I really don't like the evening parties all that much) and happy, too, to be considered a 'second tier' guest. Those people will have family and close friends who should rightly take first dibs. On the other hand I've had invitations from people I barely know, seemingly to make up numbers, and interestingly enough these are often the ones asking for money or presents. Those are declined. I'd also be far less inclined to travel distances or spend large sums of money staying over somewhere for an evening only invitation, or giving as expensive a gift. In those circumstances I'd pay the bride and groom the courtesy of assuming they would understand.

Issuing invitations isn't rude, and declining them isn't rude. It's when people go off in huffs as a result of those perfectly acceptable moves that they're behaving like dicks.

I have no regrets whatsoever about eloping. And before our decision to elope was taken, there were two things I was adamant I didn't want. A 'hen do', and an 'evening do'.

I think the reality is lots of people don’t have large circles of friends, but want a big wedding.
They invite lots of people they don’t spend much time with or aren’t close to, because they feel obliged to have a big wedding. The large numbers means what can be offered is less to most, and that many of those invited aren’t that invested in the wedding because it isn’t close friends. In such a situation it would be better to decline than attend feeling aggrieved about the expense and effort. Certainly these people shouldn’t accept and then just not show up. I suspect it’s often these kind of ‘friends’ who the bridge and groom never spoke to again after their no-show....but given they weren’t close friends anyway, it might have been barely noticed.

Sometimes with weddings, people feel they must ask family they don’t know well or barely see. However, I don’t understand why some feel the need to invite large numbers and include +1s of all their work colleagues or very very superficial friends, unless they have a string sense of needing numbers.

Isn’t it better to have a smaller wedding with people dear to you than a ‘rent a crowd’ wedding with everyone you know invited to a disco and small buffet? It does start to look grabby when people you barely know are invited and sent a full wedding list.

Is it that people want big weddings when they don’t have large circles of friends so they look popular and get lots of presents? It’s the only explanation I can think of really.

I don't believe we did anything "wrong" here.
Given the tier thing seems to have been dictated by Covid restrictions, I don't think you did anything wrong either.

Then gasp Tier Three was an evening buffet and disco with a bar paid for by us. This was work colleagues, less close friends (ie people I'd met in the year or so leading up to the wedding during a course I was doing). I don't believe we did anything "wrong" here

I don’t think you did anything ‘wrong’ unless you held a grudge against any Tier 3 people who didn’t come.

Appreciate you picked up the bar tab but fewer people would mean lower cost to you unless you’d put a certain amount behind the bar.

I don’t understand why people expect Tier 3/evening only guests to travel a long way, arrange childcare, sort out hotels, bring an expensive gift etc just to come to a disco with a free bar. Or why you’d invite acquaintances or people you don’t know well to this evening party eg why invite people you’d met on a course unless they’re real friends?

If I received an invitation to an evening do of someone I befriended on a work course a year ago I’d politely decline. I’d wonder why they invited me. And I’m afraid I’d be a bit cynical and wonder if they were trying to boost numbers for attention/gifts/photos/status by inviting everyone they could think of.

I agree with the poster who said best stick to what you can afford for all, so a hog roast in a field if you want 100 people there, or a smaller gathering at a fancier venue. Offering food and champagne to others and a disco to the rest is a bit divisive?

Is it to do with having a bigger audience for the first dance or evening photos? I don’t really get it.