Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

[Sightforsoreeyez]

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

Not to mention half the time these evening invitations are often in the middle of no where and require expensive taxi fares. I know my parents were invited to my cousins evening do in the next town and didn't go.

People do things differently. Your way isn’t the only and right way

Another poster asking IABU and when told they are get the huff.

AIBU to wonder why did they ask?

Wouldn't bother me. We had a couple of folks not turn up for our evening do.

I assumed they got to about 6pm on the day and couldn't be arsed. Or didn't feel great. Which is fine. I didn't expect them to contact me with their excuses - it was my wedding day and I was busy.

I thought this was going to be about a fiancé who didn’t turn up, not evening guests!
A day guest where you might be down £100 per head easily? Whole different scenario.
Plus you actually notice days guests absence.
I have no idea who many of our evening guests even were, so could not tell you if everyone showed up (I’m told they did 🤷‍♀️)

By an evening do I guess you mean the party/disco part not the ceremony or a sit down meal?

I think it’s a bit rude to invite people to evening only. Maybe this person felt the same way and forgot to tell you?

I have been married twice and both times people just didn't turn up on the day.

For my first wedding it was people I wasn't close to so I didn't realise theh hadn't come till afterwards and thought meh.

But for my second wedding it was two incredibly close friends (not a couple). I spent the evening looking hopefully every time the door opened and was terribly upset. It was kind of the end of the friendships as they were, but I think they were coming to an end anyway, hence the not bothering to turn up. They both sent presents with weak apologies; one's was a cheque. She was obsessed with penny pinching so I never cashed it just to annoy her, she would have been checking her bank balance for months wondering if it was going to put in an appearance. Yeah I know, nose, face, etc. We are still in contact but it will never be the same. Oh well!

@aretherereally4Hs

Evening invites are awful so I'd not be bothered at all. Meet up!

No they aren't. They really aren't

We were surprised and flattered to get an evening invite from a distant cousin of DH's. We had no expectation of any kind of invitation at all. It doesn't feel like we are getting measly crumbs from the table.

I really don't understand why people are so offended and so full of their inflated self importance that it has to be a full invite or not at all.

It is really common among my friends and family, and not in the least rude to invite workmates and less close friends just to the evening do.

I can only conclude that those of you who think evening does are rubbish have only been to rubbish evening dos, or thought you were more important to the bride and groom than you think.

At every evening do I have been to there has been plenty of good food. The bars have been pay bars, but that was only to be expected.

But for my second wedding it was two incredibly close friends (not a couple). I spent the evening looking hopefully every time the door opened and was terribly upset

Maybe they didn’t feel incredibly close friends if they weren’t invited to the wedding itself? Still rude to RSVP and not show though.

I went to the wedding in our seaside town of a lovely couple (childhood sweethearts who reconnected after they both losed their partners to cancer in their late 40s) where I ended up with just 3 other random people on a table for 10 at the Reception.

We actually had a really good time, helped by the fact that the hotel served the food for all 10 expected people. We didn't stop them for the starters as we assumed the other guests would be coming, but they never appeared.

I found out later that the misding guests were two couples who knew each other, one with two teenage children. Originally, just the couples had been invited, but the one with the teenagers had said they couldn't leave them at home so please could they also have invitations - which the wedding couple had done.

They had all come to the wedding ceremony but gone missing between the church and the venue (a walkable distance - 15 minutes walk away?).

The couple with the teenagers had texted to say their children were so excited to be at the coast that they wanted fish and chips and to go to the amusement arcades so they were dropping out. The other couple had not got in touch so the groom messaged them. They said they didn't think they would enjoy the reception without their friends so had also gone for fish and chips then would have an early night.

I thought it was the height of rudeness.

Losed? Lost

Agree @RampantIvy ^

There's nothing wrong with an evening only invite. You don't have to go FFS.

To say you will go, and then not go because you preferred a night out with your mates, (and then not telling the person who invited you that you're not going,) is breathtakingly rude, and way more shitty behaviour than 'holding a grudge.'

Anyone who thinks what the OP's so-called friend did is acceptable is as entitled and rude as the OP's so-called friend.. And to have the cheek to ask for a catch up 2 years later, shows what a self-centred, cheeky, obnoxious, self-absorbed nob they are.

Big, casual wedding loads of people invited with lots of buffet food - not a problem.

Small wedding with sit down pay per head catered meal so their absence left a space in the table setting - I'd be pissed off.

It's often an afterthought, not a good party. No food or shit food, no drink or expensive drinks. And any that expect you to travel, give a cash gift, just naff AF plus they tend to the be the worst. I just decline. Usually decline all of them, though, because I can't abide events that go on for hours and hours unless they're fun.

Not at my wedding. It was £15 per head for a really nice buffet and all drinks were free. And that’s been what I’ve experienced as a guest too. The weddings I’ve been to like that are the ones where I’ve been to all day and no drinks were free (one only served tea and coffee with the breakfast and we had to keep walking through the hotel to queue at the main bar for drinks) we’d had to travel from London to the Lakes. One wedding in Windsor was a mid week package so everyone had to take time off work and the drinks were eye wateringly expensive all day. I was invited to the evening of a great one in a hotel in Kensington and I thought it was going to cost a fortune, but drinks were free and the food was fantastic. I think it’s better to have less at the day and provide more for the evening guests, than to try to stretch to inviting everyone and not provide enough to anyone.

I agree MrsKoala, my wedding was 90% evening invitations so we paid £18/head for a huge buffet with lots of different dishes, hot and cold. I actually prefer evening invites myself. I’m always too pissed and too tired to dance when I’ve been there all day, and am ready to slink off home by the evening (I’ve obviously no stamina!) plus I find the OTT fussy weddings quite tedious.

Depends, if it was local to her and not much effort to attend then she was probably a bit U. If it was a drive/taxi ride away then I wouldn’t have gone, but then again, I would have declined in the first place.

Couldn’t be arsed to be upset years after the event though.

It's often an afterthought, not a good party. No food or shit food, no drink or expensive drinks.

That has never been my experience. You must have some really shit friends. All the evening wedding dos I have been to have been a separate party after the wedding, often at a different venue. Properly planned with plenty of good food included. In many cases the older relatives have gone home, and it has been the younger crowd out for a party.

And none of them have been an afterthought.

My wedding was mainly wedding guests - I really didn't want to get married in front of loads of people so went for a very small ceremony (family and my bridesmaids only) then we had a big reception with sit down meal with another 100 people from 6pm. 4 couples didn't show up and it was an awful coincidence that they were on the same table! We were pretty embarrassed and have not spoken to any of them since.

I know your situation is different as it doesn't include the meal but I would still be angry if there was no cancellation or apology as it is just plain rude. Would I not speak to them again? Probably not but I'd assume they were an acquaintance and wouldn't bother putting myself out for them.

Move on

I really don't understand why people are so offended and so full of their inflated self importance that it has to be a full invite or nothing

Because it implies the bride and groom want attention, admiration and gifts from these people, but don’t like them enough to pay for their seat at the table. Or share the intimate parts of the wedding with them, like the actual ceremony. It’s an invitation to a party not a wedding.

Nothing to do with self importance of the guest and everything to do with the bride and groom wanting to be centre of attention IMO. More people to congratulate them, admire the dress, take photos, give gifts at no extra cost. They can cherry pick the real guests.

They don’t have to include you in the head count for the meal and champagne, may not even notice if you turn up or not. I’ve never known an evening do include food and alcohol unless it’s a pay bar!

Most weddings include travelling, paying for a hotel, finding a babysitter/nanny, time and effort with hair, make up and clothes, buying an expensive gift. Why would you want to do that if the bride and groom don’t value you enough to invite you to the ceremony and meal? It’s like being invited to a wedding that’s not a wedding.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss sorry I didn't say, in all my examples the people were invited to the whole thing.

The first time we had invited a couple with 4 DC. The woman had said "are you sure about the kids?" I'd said yes but on the day she didn't bring them. The others were someone I had worked with and her partner. She had moved to another branch and obviously couldn't be arsed to come, I understood as we were losing touch but it had felt rude not to invite her and she had acted thrilled.

The ones at my second wedding sting a bit more. . .oh well!!

Yanbu. We had two couples that absolutely begged to come to our wedding in front of others. We ended up asking them because they kept asking it got embarrassing! Then they Both didn’t show up. One responded yes and didn’t show up, and the other never even responded. We still talk about it now 20 years later!

An evening wedding is just a big party isn’t it? I would assume I wouldn’t be missed tbh

We had two couples that absolutely begged to come to our wedding in front of others
That alone should have told you they were bloody weird!

We had less than a dozen people.. No evening do at all!!
Problem solved!!

@Footloosefancyfree

Not to mention half the time these evening invitations are often in the middle of no where and require expensive taxi fares. I know my parents were invited to my cousins evening do in the next town and didn't go.

But presumably they declined the invitation(s)? There’s nothing wrong with saying no - it’s saying yes and then not turning up, knowing there will be a financial cost to their decision, that’s shitty behaviour.