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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex says he has stress induced heart problem and therefore I must book children's activities for his contact time

351 replies

SeriouslyAreYouSerious · 11/04/2021 08:20

Ex wants me to make bookings for him at local leisure centre because he says he can't work their website. I don't want to because:

A) the activity is quite expensive and ex is slow and unreliable about sending money

B) I have all the dc full time (ex has once a month supervised contact court ordered) and it's quite full on, I just don't need another thing to be responsible for and spend time on

C) I don't want to be responsible for getting the right booking - it tends to book up fast and I would have to have much contact with ex over arranging it, possibly live while booking it, and I try to minimise contact with him as much as possible (he is neither nice nor reasonable)

I have therefore said no, I am sure the leisure centre people can help him with whatever issues he has with the website.

He has sent an email telling me he has a heart condition which is caused by stress and heart break, and that smoking doesn't help and he smokes more when he is stressed, therefore I must do the booking for him 'for the children'. AIBU to completely ignore this and think it is emotional manipulation? He has smoked, eaten huge amounts of sat fat and red meat, not taken any meaningful exercise for decades (since long before we even met), none of which is my responsibility and all of which will have caused his heart condition - not me or his 'broken heart'?

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 11/04/2021 09:37

If he can send emails to you, he can do the bookings himself. No expert, but it seems like he is trying to control you.

Original poster
SeriouslyAreYouSerious · 11/04/2021 09:38

I like all the amusing replies - I won't send any as pp said, don't poke the bear, but it's nice to daydream Grin

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 11/04/2021 09:40

What a load of rubbish. Leave him to it. If he wants help, he can ask his friends and family, it's not appropriate for him to be getting IT support from his ex. ... But I bet he wouldn't send that pile-of-shit email to his friends. It's about controlling you.

Theshoepeople · 11/04/2021 09:42

OP each time he tries a bullshit trick likr this, just pass it on to your solicitor and mentally congratulate him for helping your court case.

Seriously, what an idiot!

AbsolutelyPatsy · 11/04/2021 09:43

Suggest his family do the booking, problem solved, everyone is happy,

Brainfogisreal · 11/04/2021 09:44

The Vue website also aggravates his heart condition? Sorry but 🤣🤣🤣🤣.
Amazing he's made it to adulthood tbh.

RedMarauder · 11/04/2021 09:46

Please ignore him and do not respond to any of his bullshit like this in correspondence to you

He seems to be wanting to start arguments/fights with you for no good reason as it is his responsibility to sort out activities with the children when they are with him and nothing to do with you.

He is completely unaware that children, particularly over 10, are able to understand if their parent is a lazy and selfish person as they will have peers at school with separated parents. So when your children decide in future that they either don't want to see him at all or to limit the time they spend with him, it will all be on him.

Carouselfish · 11/04/2021 09:47

Does he have parents? Refer him to his ACTUAL mother.

SignMyStookie · 11/04/2021 09:47

@SeriouslyAreYouSerious

I had this Ex. The exact scenario isn't the same but all the components are there.

A) the activity is quite expensive and ex is slow and unreliable about sending money

Mine would have been expecting me just to pay for it. Afterall, I was the one in receipt of CB and CTC (no maintenance ever).

B) I have all the dc full time (ex has once a month supervised contact court ordered) and it's quite full on, I just don't need another thing to be responsible for and spend time on

This would have been his way of ensuring I was still running around doing things for him.

C) I don't want to be responsible for getting the right booking - it tends to book up fast and I would have to have much contact with ex over arranging it, possibly live while booking it, and I try to minimise contact with him as much as possible (he is neither nice nor reasonable)

Mine did everything he could to keep and increase contact until eventually I went completely NC and everything was done through the solicitors.

Add in all the attempts at emotional blackmail and making you feel bad and responsible for his "issues".

Tell him to fuck off.

Dashel · 11/04/2021 09:50

I would definitely say no to this, he needs to be responsible for the dc when they are with him and if he finds booking an activity too stressful, then I would be concerned about what other aspects of parenting are too stressful? Remembering to feed them or ensuring they put their coats on?

He sounds like a very lazy CF and if you say yes, I wonder what else you would get roped into? Possibly ordering food for the dc and presents for them from him etc.

I would certainly let your solicitor know about this request if you haven’t already.

lljkk · 11/04/2021 09:52

I would be minded to play along. The play goes like this:

A) he has to send the money in advance. No advance money, no booking.

B) Suck up the bother of my time dithering with bookings, has pay off of playing this game, and would take less time than reading this thread anyway

C) Get it in writing from him (by sending him WhatsApp screenshots from booking form, email attachments, whatever it takes) exactly which booking he wants , which he has to confirm in reply - else No Booking.

Prediction is he'll never send money or agree to anything in time to book it so he'll drop the idea pretty quick. Thus this stupid dispute point will resolve itself with relatively little effort from OP. He will think it's his idea to not do the bookings after all.

Wiredforsound · 11/04/2021 09:52

Good for you. It’s not your job to do the ‘wifework’ for him. I absolutely refuse to believe a grown adult man can’t work a website.

Soontobe60 · 11/04/2021 09:54

I would ignore his pathetic attempt at controlling you ‘ trying to get money out of you. If he sends another begging email or asks again I’d reply with ‘oh, I actually thought you were joking, but no, I won’t be organising your time with your children.’

WanakaWonderWoo · 11/04/2021 09:54

This is so hard but is excellent evidence for court. Dont be tempted to support his poor parenting and manipulation for the court for the sake of your kids.

Document everything and share with your legal team. Having been in similar position my advice is to maintain a quiet dignity and let the court see what a fab mum you are.Never give him any ammunition to use against you. Let him carry on being a plonker in the knowledge that he’s making the case for you and not bright enough to see this ! Good luck Flowers

boredinthouse · 11/04/2021 09:57

OP I have DC with a man who sounds almost identical, in fact I did think it might be about him for a minute.

He claims to have a heart condition which means that he can't cope with organising stuff for the DC when he sees them. He even sent me a heart trace from the hospital (I hadn't asked to see it). Anyway, he lives at home with his parents so has plenty of help and he has a job that he manages to attend so why he can't organise things for his DC I do not know.

What I do know though is that he's a manipulative fool, he has always blamed me for his problems (even though he lives 400 miles away and has done for the last 8 years). I won't get drawn into organising his life with the DC, that's up to him to do. I never ever slag him off to them and I leave them to make up their own mind. At 13 & 11 they are starting to see him for who he is.

Leave him to it. He's making himself look a fool, don't get drawn in.

Original poster
SeriouslyAreYouSerious · 11/04/2021 09:57

Just had another email - saying he can't call them for help because they won't be open at 1 minute past midnight when the bookings open. But he has been trying to get me to do this booking for weeks, and each time I have replied that he should call them to sort it. He should have got the issues with the website sorted long before this evening when he says they will open bookings. I have said no again.

He says it is 'about the children'. But it's really not is it - or he would have pulled his finger out to sort it long before now. He has left it thinking I will cave at the last minute because I know the children will be disappointed.

OP posts:
Templetreebalm · 11/04/2021 09:57

@lljkk

I would be minded to play along. The play goes like this:

A) he has to send the money in advance. No advance money, no booking.

B) Suck up the bother of my time dithering with bookings, has pay off of playing this game, and would take less time than reading this thread anyway

C) Get it in writing from him (by sending him WhatsApp screenshots from booking form, email attachments, whatever it takes) exactly which booking he wants , which he has to confirm in reply - else No Booking.

Prediction is he'll never send money or agree to anything in time to book it so he'll drop the idea pretty quick. Thus this stupid dispute point will resolve itself with relatively little effort from OP. He will think it's his idea to not do the bookings after all.

Or just say No
Templetreebalm · 11/04/2021 09:58

@SeriouslyAreYouSerious

Just had another email - saying he can't call them for help because they won't be open at 1 minute past midnight when the bookings open. But he has been trying to get me to do this booking for weeks, and each time I have replied that he should call them to sort it. He should have got the issues with the website sorted long before this evening when he says they will open bookings. I have said no again.

He says it is 'about the children'. But it's really not is it - or he would have pulled his finger out to sort it long before now. He has left it thinking I will cave at the last minute because I know the children will be disappointed.

Well done OP Not your circus springs to mind.
MrsKoala · 11/04/2021 09:58

The sad thing is he probably really believes all his shit. I used to think men like this were trying it on, but then after meeting a few I’ve realised they really genuinely feel they are a victim (usually very unhelpfully encouraged by Mummy). Nothing you do will change him, I’d be honest with the kids and not cover for him at all. What a piss poor excuse for a functioning adult.

Original poster
SeriouslyAreYouSerious · 11/04/2021 10:00

His mum is lovely - it's not her fault. It's really all on him.

OP posts:
boredinthouse · 11/04/2021 10:01

Oh this is so difficult as your DC will be disappointed. Thing is though, they'll be disappointed with him and not you. Do you have to communicate directly with him because he's using that to try and manipulate you.

Howshouldibehave · 11/04/2021 10:01

If he doesn't get a booking he will almost certainly tell the dc it's my fault sad

What a total knob-don’t cave here, OP.

AIMD · 11/04/2021 10:03

@SeriouslyAreYouSerious

His mum is lovely - it's not her fault. It's really all on him.
Will she tell him he needs to do the booking himself?
boredinthouse · 11/04/2021 10:04

OP my ex slags me off to the DC all of the time. However, they know that I don't slag him off at home and they've no reached an age where they can see what is happening.

I'm not going to pretend it's fair on your DC because it isn't but one day they will be able to spot who is the manipulative lying one and you can be confident that it won't be you.

Original poster
SeriouslyAreYouSerious · 11/04/2021 10:05

She probably would but she has her own health issues and I don't want to get her involved. It's not her responsibility.

OP posts:
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