Ex says he has stress induced heart problem and therefore I must book children's activities for his contact time

[SeriouslyAreYouSerious]

Ex wants me to make bookings for him at local leisure centre because he says he can't work their website. I don't want to because:

A) the activity is quite expensive and ex is slow and unreliable about sending money

B) I have all the dc full time (ex has once a month supervised contact court ordered) and it's quite full on, I just don't need another thing to be responsible for and spend time on

C) I don't want to be responsible for getting the right booking - it tends to book up fast and I would have to have much contact with ex over arranging it, possibly live while booking it, and I try to minimise contact with him as much as possible (he is neither nice nor reasonable)

I have therefore said no, I am sure the leisure centre people can help him with whatever issues he has with the website.

He has sent an email telling me he has a heart condition which is caused by stress and heart break, and that smoking doesn't help and he smokes more when he is stressed, therefore I must do the booking for him 'for the children'. AIBU to completely ignore this and think it is emotional manipulation? He has smoked, eaten huge amounts of sat fat and red meat, not taken any meaningful exercise for decades (since long before we even met), none of which is my responsibility and all of which will have caused his heart condition - not me or his 'broken heart'?

@SeriouslyAreYouSerious

Thanks for support and suggestions. The trouble is - without outside intervention I can see it becoming a huge thing that involves even more communication trying to get him to agree to a set place and time, and he won't want to do it.

It's an idea to ask for when we are next in court. Unfortunately I think the best that I can achieve for the moment is to stop all chasing and see what happens. 😬

Of course he won't do it. But thats his choice.

He is letting down the kids constantly. Either by being a dick about over promising swimming or because he can't be arsed to make arrangements when he should.

In reality you are not preventing this by chasing him constantly, you are enabling it by never letting the issue come to a point where its addressed finally once and for all.

In the meantime your kids are mucked about and whilst they do enjoy time with him, they are also being let down by him half the time too.

At some point he has to sort his shit out or you have to accept this constant distressing of the kids is something you are happy to be party to and enable.

It needs confronting and put before the court.

Make a plan for what suits you and explain why current arrangements are not working and why the 5 day notice is causing stress and upset for you and the kids.

Start him running and reframing this as stressful for you and you can't deal with the bullshit anymore

Ha ha no.
Just no.
He organises it
Or they go to local park
Don't engage
Liaise thru the supervisor

I think that the less you facilitate and the more he has to do for himself, will show to the court how it would be detrimental to the DC for him to have unsupervised contact, because he is so feckless and unreliable. He already breaches the contact order. Trying to convince them with his Disney Dad won’t work when he is confronted with having to do everything without assistance.

I'll never forget the day ds made a statement about how his dad is actually a twat isnt he? And how it's very clear he couldn't be bothered with him and he's glad because he didn't want a horrid person as a dad and so it's better not to have a dad.

Out of the mouths of babes.

The trouble is - without outside intervention I can see it becoming a huge thing that involves even more communication trying to get him to agree to a set place and time, and he won't want to do it.

Your issue here is that you’re envisaging ‘more communication trying to get him to agree’ - but he doesn’t have to agree. You actually don’t need his buy-in to set a time & place.

You can inform him that

Twat, as discussed it’s causing the DC - 13 in particular- a lot of anxiety not knowing the plans for contact are fixed.

The court order states you should let me know 5 days in advance. If I haven’t heard by then, I’ll be with the DC outside McDonalds at 11am every contact day. I’ll wait til 11.30am to handover.

I’m happy to vary this agreement to wherever suits you on your contact day but I’d like to establish a regular routine for the DC that is predictable - a fixed handover location and time if I have not heard otherwise by 5 days in advance.

He doesn’t have to like it. He doesn’t have to agree it’s a good idea. He can dispute the time and the location and whatever.

But once you’ve stated it - in writing so you can then point to the court that you’ve made him aware the lack of planning is detrimental to your DC - then you can grey rock:

Thank you, Twat. I understand your points, but I feel it is in the DC’s interest to have a fixed meeting point and time agreed between us. As I stated, I am happy to vary time or location if you let me know more than 5 days in advance. After that, I’ll assume contact is happening at the fixed meeting point.

And repeat. And repeat.

Pick a meeting place that the DC will like, so McDonalds or wherever you can treat them in some way if he doesn’t show up.

Get a special Twat email address you only check once a day. Get a rubbish mobile too if you like with only his number - only check it on your schedule.

Yes, you need to be contactable because he’s the father of your DC. But “being contactable”doesn’t mean he needs an Insta to response hotline to you.

Unless he’s got the DC in his presence, there’s nothing he needs to say that is urgent enough that it can’t wait 24-48 hours. Nothing.

So you set the terms, for yourself.

He doesn’t need to agree. He doesn’t need to like it. You don’t need to communicate over his lack of agreement or care about his opinion.

You just need to a) set out your proposal b) manage communication (grey rock responses, limited access to you via email/phone) and c) stick to your boundary.

Thank you - that is a ray of light!

Don’t check it once a day. That’s still too much headspace and too much control.
Send him an email stating that for the benefit of the children and your own scheduling, you are going to insist that he limits contact with you to specifically include only the court-ordered contact agreement. From now on, you will only be responding to an email confirming the contact time and place five days prior to the nominated day every month. If you have not received an email from him nominating a time and place by 5pm, you will assume that the meeting place will be Mc Donald’s at 12:30pm (or wherever suits you.). This will be confirmed by email by you before 10pm five days before nominated contact date. No changes to the time or venue will be accepted after the confirmation email has been sent (other than medical emergency *certificates required). Any medical information can be communicated via medical personnel and educational information via school.

Oooh, and you need to reward yourself for every day that you don’t check messages from him!

These are perfect

I know it seems odd, scary even to be THIS fixed, but with men like him it literally is the only way

Otherwise he’ll drag you into his drama over and over and he gets off on it.

So deny all his power, don’t cave, don’t flex, not by a millimetre- it won’t be appreciated, it will only be treated as your weakness and his victory

You are nobody’s puppet

Keep strong - remember we’re here for you - you’re not alone in this

The others have explained much better than me what I was try to suggest 😂

Although you think contact is in DC best interests him dicking them around is damaging. They know he should be telling you and every time he doesn't it because them feel a little bit less worthy and valued.

By just saying it's now McDs 12.30pm unless Dad has arranged something different (which you would then tell them 5 days in advance) you are giving them certainty etc.

Sure he may fail to turn up but you talk to them appropriately about that. Don't cover for him.

If you haven't already read "how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" read it, if you have reread them! These are what you need to give them self assurance that he is the problem not them, to be able to trust their instincts, to be able to vent their hurt and anger appropriately.

And if you have t done the Freedom Program yet, all the time that you’re not answering messages and phone calls from twat face could be much better spent doing something like that instead, so that you feel stronger and more confident handling him in the future (let’s face it, you’ve got until the youngest turns 18, probably.) and potentially new relationships one day as well.

How's it going? Did he turn up for the contact?
Hope you and the kids are OK.

I am also popping in to see if you all survived. X

Hope you’re ok

Hi, yes everyone is alive! Swimming pool turns out not to open until May, I told him the fair was in town because he wouldn't know not being local, and dc were keen to go so that's what they did.
He changed the day from Sunday to Saturday at 3pm on Friday. This really freaked out all the dc and predictably ASD dc1 refused to go, but he probs wouldn't have anyway as he hates both the playground (which was ex initial plan) and more so the fair (sensory overload).
Dc2 rang ex at bedtime fri and breakfast time sat wanting to know what they would be doing and ex just said he didn't know yet both times which made dc2 v anxious and upset.
He also changed the collection several times over the afternoon - tried to guilt trip me into letting them stay out until 9pm, agreed 7pm, then he changed it to 6.30, and at 6 said come now - which upset ASD dc1 who was with me and didn't know what was going on all afternoon.
They did have a good time with him, but the issue of changing plans at the last minute and uncertainty for the dc does need to be addressed.

What an absolute nightmare! I'm glad they had a good time with him but still!

Honestly you need to go hardcore and stick rigidly to the court order and accept that means contact may not happen. How is that level of stress fair or good for any of them.

It sounds like a power play by him.

I wouldn't have told him about the fair and I would have taken DC myself. I know your DC had a good time but Ex still dicked around.

Set time to collect
Set place to collect
Set return time

ANY dad knows that his SN Kids need that stability and reassurance and to refuse to give it is absolutely cruel

If the kids really don’t like it like this, then tell him it’s as agreed as fixed or not at all.

No further discussion

Contact is for benefit of the children

This isn’t beneficial to either of them.

It really is that simple

Courts won't be very sympathetic to a df who won't take his dc's SN into account.
My exh denied ds had a medical condition.. Judge wasn't amused..

@MzHz

Set time to collect Set place to collect Set return time

ANY dad knows that his SN Kids need that stability and reassurance and to refuse to give it is absolutely cruel

If the kids really don’t like it like this, then tell him it’s as agreed as fixed or not at all.

No further discussion

This is exactly what you just do.

Stop considering by him. He isn’t considering you. He’s ducking you about. Don’t let him.

After this weekend it gives you the perfect reason to insist on fixed times and meeting places.

Email to explain the impact that the weekend had on the children and then use one of the great emails PPs have given you. Good luck OP

Document all of this. This is reason enough to insist that this is the very last time this shit happens. From now on contact will be regularly scheduled, predictable and stress-free for the kids or not at all. That twat has got to be told once and for all that the point of the contact is the kid’s enjoyment, not HIS.

Did the supervisor not observe the constant changing of the plans for the return of the DC to you? Surely they must have questioned why the DC were going to be picked up at 7, were going at 6.30 and then at 6pm. I agree, he doesn’t care how his actions impact anyone else, the poor DC don’t deserve this.