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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex says he has stress induced heart problem and therefore I must book children's activities for his contact time

351 replies

SeriouslyAreYouSerious · 11/04/2021 08:20

Ex wants me to make bookings for him at local leisure centre because he says he can't work their website. I don't want to because:

A) the activity is quite expensive and ex is slow and unreliable about sending money

B) I have all the dc full time (ex has once a month supervised contact court ordered) and it's quite full on, I just don't need another thing to be responsible for and spend time on

C) I don't want to be responsible for getting the right booking - it tends to book up fast and I would have to have much contact with ex over arranging it, possibly live while booking it, and I try to minimise contact with him as much as possible (he is neither nice nor reasonable)

I have therefore said no, I am sure the leisure centre people can help him with whatever issues he has with the website.

He has sent an email telling me he has a heart condition which is caused by stress and heart break, and that smoking doesn't help and he smokes more when he is stressed, therefore I must do the booking for him 'for the children'. AIBU to completely ignore this and think it is emotional manipulation? He has smoked, eaten huge amounts of sat fat and red meat, not taken any meaningful exercise for decades (since long before we even met), none of which is my responsibility and all of which will have caused his heart condition - not me or his 'broken heart'?

OP posts:
Saltyslug · 11/04/2021 08:50

Tell him to do it over the phone with the leisure centre directly.

Poorlykitten · 11/04/2021 08:50

But he can surely use a phone?

arethereanyleftatall · 11/04/2021 08:51

Does he not realise how embarrassing and ridiculous
'I can't book a swimming lesson' is?

How does he manage a job?

lunar1 · 11/04/2021 08:51

So he can get in a swimming pool but can't book it!

Saltyslug · 11/04/2021 08:52

What ever you do Don’t get involved with organising or booking! He’s a grown man and can source help to book activities or do it himself.

PanamaPattie · 11/04/2021 08:52

Hahahaha. No. What a bloody waster.

Original poster
SeriouslyAreYouSerious · 11/04/2021 08:53

@CongealedCrags

And yet you say the marriage was not a success? Grin

Would you book it if he gave you the money upfront and he agreed to go, whatever slot you could get? Or is this an example of his usual useless twattiness and another reason why he should be drop kicked into the swimming pool fully dressed?

Indeed Grin

See this makes me think perhaps IABU but really, he makes anything he is involved with at least 10 times more complicated than it needs to be while blaming everybody else for all the problems that he causes. I just don't want to be involved any more than absolutely necessary.

OP posts:
TheMotherlode · 11/04/2021 08:53

What a absolute joke.

Just don’t respond to it, you’ve made your position clear on it so I wouldn’t even entertain the conversation further.

ImaginaryCat · 11/04/2021 08:53

Tell him to ask someone else, and please record their reaction when he tells them he's incapable of booking a swimming lesson.

pam290358 · 11/04/2021 08:54

I’d simply tell him he’s a CF and to get stuffed - heart condition is self inflicted and not your problem.

AIMD · 11/04/2021 08:55

Swimming?! How is that an activity to do with kids if you are struggling with them due to a (bullshit made up) condition?

Why is his contact supervised? Is that prevent to him making this request of you?

Original poster
SeriouslyAreYouSerious · 11/04/2021 08:55

@arethereanyleftatall

Does he not realise how embarrassing and ridiculous 'I can't book a swimming lesson' is?

How does he manage a job?

He doesn't work, which is another reason I don't want to spend time on this. I have all the children all the time, time is a very limited resource here. I don't see why he can't spend his time on working this out. If I do it once I will have to do it every time.
OP posts:
Shinyletsbebadguys · 11/04/2021 08:56

YANBU even if it isn't manipulation (which this clearly is ) I made the mistake of doing this for Exdh at first. He claimed social anxiety (I fully recognise that this is very much genuine in other people but it wasn't in him) and I felt guilty about the marriage ending (which looking back was entirely ridiculous as it very very much took two to tango) so I ran around dealing with anything for DC on his off hours.

Then came DS1 first invited birthday party in a new school (a big deal as an SEN child he didn't often get invited everyone was very excited ). It occurred on Exdh weekend and he insisted he still wanted contact.

Fine not a problem. I wrote out times , mapped routes and sent to him , bought presents for birthday child , new outfit for DS (to be fair ds wanted this Grin he was very excited ). All of this at Exdh request.

I had to work that day. 20 minutes after the party started Exdh finally rings me to tell me he couldn't cope and had got really stressed and upset and DS had been "fine " with not going. Ds wasn't, he was so disappointed but idolised his father so wouldn't have peeped that he was upset.

I was beyond furious. It also meant I instantly stopped doing any booking or organising for his time. I told him he was on his own and nor was I going to protect him by telling the DC if he couldn't attend something (I had got into the habit of being the bad news delivered because Exdh couldn't cope with upsetting them...apparently couldn't cope with being a grown up either Hmm).

Actually he has got huge amounts better since I made him face the music. He's almost a functioning adult with organising now (I emphasise almost).

My DC caught on very quickly anyway. They absolutely knew when I was covering for their fathers lack of backbone , however much I hid it.

Do not do the organising and make him explain to the DC. Do not bail him out on this . If he wants to manage his heart condition then he can change his lifestyle. In the longrun making him do it himself is usually more effective.

KitchenFairy · 11/04/2021 08:58

I would reply...

“I’ll forward your email to XXX (whoever has ordered or is responsible for the supervised contact) to deal with.

Regards”.

Seriously, if he’s not capable of booking a swimming session then whoever is supervising the contact should not take their eyes off your children for even a second.

knittingaddict · 11/04/2021 08:58

My daughter has been in a similar position, but at least the ex booked his own activities. What has he been doing with them during contact up till now?

I wouldn't book anything without having the money up front and even then I would be thinking twice. He shouldn't be relying on you to still be sorting his life out for him and it's never too soon to get that message across.

As for stress and heartbreak causing his heart condition, I have no time for such manipulative tripe. How did your eyes not roll right out of your head?

TokyoSushi · 11/04/2021 08:59

Ooh no, ignore.

Original poster
SeriouslyAreYouSerious · 11/04/2021 09:00

I don't want to go into all the background details but contact is supervised by court order in the interim while we wait for a fact finding that Cafcass said must happen before they can make long term recommendations. The FF should have happened in December but he didn't file his docs so had to be postponed til Feb, when he again didn't file so it's been postponed again until June when order says it will go ahead regardless. Of course this is all my fault, the prolonged supervision requirement is my fault - not his for not actually just doing what he needed to do. HmmHmmHmm

OP posts:
KitchenFairy · 11/04/2021 09:00

Even with the money upfront.
Even if he agrees to go to whichever session is able to be booked.
Even if...
Even if...

Do NOT do this for him.

Original poster
SeriouslyAreYouSerious · 11/04/2021 09:02

@Shinyletsbebadguys that is horrible - your poor son.

OP posts:
eurochick · 11/04/2021 09:03

This is one of the most ridiculous things I have read on here. What a pathetic excuse for a parent. Don't enable his bullshit. His contact time, he sorts the activities.

Original poster
SeriouslyAreYouSerious · 11/04/2021 09:06

@knittingaddict

My daughter has been in a similar position, but at least the ex booked his own activities. What has he been doing with them during contact up till now?

I wouldn't book anything without having the money up front and even then I would be thinking twice. He shouldn't be relying on you to still be sorting his life out for him and it's never too soon to get that message across.

As for stress and heartbreak causing his heart condition, I have no time for such manipulative tripe. How did your eyes not roll right out of your head?

Over lockdown he has been taking them to the park, but before that he was taking them to the cinema every time (which has caused raised eyebrows at my solicitors office). In this same email he also says that the Vue website is contributing to his heart condition - so if I agreed about the swimming then I would certainly end up being roped into the cinema bookings in future too. Ex is very much a give and inch and he'll take a mile type of guy...

It is a shame because the dc really want to go swimming and one was telling me the other dat that daddy can always get bookings for things they want because of 'daddy magic' which is heart breaking (I won't go to the doctor though). I don't want them to be let down, but I think I need to be firm in refusing this. If he doesn't get a booking he will almost certainly tell the dc it's my fault Sad

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 11/04/2021 09:07

What a pathetic man. Do NOT book anything for him. If he can't do it, he can ask his family or a friend.

AIMD · 11/04/2021 09:08

@SeriouslyAreYouSerious

I don't want to go into all the background details but contact is supervised by court order in the interim while we wait for a fact finding that Cafcass said must happen before they can make long term recommendations. The FF should have happened in December but he didn't file his docs so had to be postponed til Feb, when he again didn't file so it's been postponed again until June when order says it will go ahead regardless. Of course this is all my fault, the prolonged supervision requirement is my fault - not his for not actually just doing what he needed to do. HmmHmmHmm
Sorry to ask, I just wondered if it was relevant to the situation.

Given this context I wouldn’t be doing anything beyond what was reasonable to manage his contact. What is reasonable is engage with him about times/dates for pick up and drop off of kids and sharing info about children’s well-being when necessary. Anything beyond that isn’t for you to manage.

In your shoes I’d be thinking this is all probably just providing evidence of his inability to prioritise the children’s needs and inability to manage the children’s care.

If the situation is currently being supervised or assessed by social care or cafcass I would do what another poster suggested and forward the email for their info. They need this info if they are currently working with you. Particularly if there have been issues linked to abuse or controlling behaviour etc.

PricklesAndSpikes · 11/04/2021 09:11

You'll be needing his credit card details then and the 3 digit security code off the back then won't you... And wasn't it nice of your ex to also order the children's new summer clothes and shoes and wasn't it organised of him to also order their birthday presents and Christmas presents to be delivered to yours, just in case his broken heart takes a turn for the worse...? Evil Grin !

longestlurkerever · 11/04/2021 09:11

The only thing is disagree with here is the insinuation that council leisure centre websites, especially ones hastily constructed to deal with Covid regulations, are easy to use. I have just chucked my phone across the room because I'm trying to book a session on Thursday in Kendal when all it will show is today in Mile End, London, which isn't afaik even legal. And I'm a competent adult, I promise! But that's not to say you should waste your time with thus shite either OP! He puts the graft in or does something else

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