Ex says he has stress induced heart problem and therefore I must book children's activities for his contact time

[SeriouslyAreYouSerious]

Ex wants me to make bookings for him at local leisure centre because he says he can't work their website. I don't want to because:

A) the activity is quite expensive and ex is slow and unreliable about sending money

B) I have all the dc full time (ex has once a month supervised contact court ordered) and it's quite full on, I just don't need another thing to be responsible for and spend time on

C) I don't want to be responsible for getting the right booking - it tends to book up fast and I would have to have much contact with ex over arranging it, possibly live while booking it, and I try to minimise contact with him as much as possible (he is neither nice nor reasonable)

I have therefore said no, I am sure the leisure centre people can help him with whatever issues he has with the website.

He has sent an email telling me he has a heart condition which is caused by stress and heart break, and that smoking doesn't help and he smokes more when he is stressed, therefore I must do the booking for him 'for the children'. AIBU to completely ignore this and think it is emotional manipulation? He has smoked, eaten huge amounts of sat fat and red meat, not taken any meaningful exercise for decades (since long before we even met), none of which is my responsibility and all of which will have caused his heart condition - not me or his 'broken heart'?

Tell him you have a serious allergy to bullshit and arseholes and as such are unable to speak to him for any longer than it takes to talk about times and dates for his contact time and any big things about the childrens health and schooling. Then only reply to him if it is about those things.

YA (most certainly) NBU.

“It is a shame because the dc really want to go swimming and one was telling me the other dat that daddy can always get bookings for things they want because of 'daddy magic' which is heart breaking (I won't go to the doctor though). I don't want them to be let down, but I think I need to be firm in refusing this. If he doesn't get a booking he will almost certainly tell the dc it's my fault “

He is going to let the children down regardless of what you do. If you facilitate things for him all that will do is delay them realising he is a waste of space. If I were you I’d give them the clear message that daddy is in charge of what they do when they are with daddy (in as age appropriate a way as possible). You might not want them to be sad or let down but if he doesn’t step up himself this will happen anyway. You facilitating contact will help in the short term but isn’t a long term plan that will work and it will have knock on negative impacts on you.

He can book in person. He can call them. You do not need to do this.

I'd tell him that in that case it's extra important that you preserve your own health, so you can't possibly risk the stress of tangling with the website yourself.

I mean, I'd actually just tell him no because there's no point poking the bear, but it's fun to think about.

@longestlurkerever

The only thing is disagree with here is the insinuation that council leisure centre websites, especially ones hastily constructed to deal with Covid regulations, are easy to use. I have just chucked my phone across the room because I'm trying to book a session on Thursday in Kendal when all it will show is today in Mile End, London, which isn't afaik even legal. And I'm a competent adult, I promise! But that's not to say you should waste your time with thus shite either OP! He puts the graft in or does something else

I agree but this is not a hastily constructed one - it was made and in use before covid hit, and it is perfectly usable. I don't know why it won't work (apparently) for him, I find it fine - which of course is another reason he thinks I should do it for him. He has a smart phone and a computer. It must work on one or the other, and he also has family who are tech competent who could potentially help him if he genuinely has issues. I have my doubts about whether there is really a problem or whether it is not just another way of attempting to control me.

Definitely don’t offer an inch on this. If he Cant work the website then he needs to either phone them or go in person to book and pay for his slots.
If you do this you won’t get the cash back off him, and he’ll start messing you around about the times and you’ll have to cancel and rebook etc etc - endless opportunities to mess you around. It’s his issue to deal with.

Sounds like he wants to go swimming and to the cinema and for you pay for it.

Bravo for saying no.

It’s better for kids to see him as he is.

What a twonk! He is an ex and you are not responsible for him and doing the grunt work for him - say no and suggest that he approaches a friend or family member for support if he needs it

Nah it's a way to control you and best you up etc.

Contact is court ordered and supervised why is there any contact between you at all? There is literally no need for you to communicate.

He has friends and family that could help him so why on Earth is he asking you unless it's for some other reason?

@stackemhigh

Sounds like he wants to go swimming and to the cinema and for you pay for it.

Bravo for saying no.

It’s better for kids to see him as he is.

Well, yes - he frequently tells me and other people that I am rolling in money because I have a solicitor...

‘I’m sure the children will just be happy to go to the park, don’t worry about the leisure centre if you’re finding it hard to organise’

And ignore any further messages. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

What a pathetic excuse for a man child your poor kids.

Surely he’s screwing himself over in regards to future court proceedings regarding contact by sending these emails too?? I mean ....he’s providing evidence that he is not capable of doing basic tasks when caring for the children. Especially when he is using reasons that are clearly rubbish....I doubt a dr would agree his heart condition is a result of a broken heart.

oh god, just no.

If he can't work the website he can phone them or go down there. He can book the following months activity in person, when he's there.

He wants you to pay for it. And I would not want someone that mentally and physically ill taking my children swimming - far too stressful for his weak heart and brain.

If he has that serious a heart condition that a website can set it off, then what on earth is he doing getting in a swimming pool? He might drown!

That would be a tragedy.

Seriously, this is emotional bullshit. Don't engage, and forward everything on to your solicitor, as it's more proof that he's an emotionally manipulative man-child.

Ha ha ha.

No.

He can phone the activity centre. I'm sure they would be delighted to assist.

If he finds booking too stressful, how is he going to find supervising two lively children in a swimming pool? How would he cope if, say, one of them had an accident and he had to drop everything and take them to A&E? Is he actually physically fit enough to be in charge of them?

YANBU.

I think you have been polite, I'd have asked him if he has made a will given his self-inflicted poor health.

Just tell him to find something else to do with them that doesn't involve online bookings

Good on you for refusing. Can you pass the manipulative texts onto Cafcass? And pass them onto the person supervising him? Sounds like pure manipulation and if he can’t work it out, maybe his mummy can. And he’s not even working. He’s got all the time in the world to sort this one out.

As for the kids going swimming. I would book for a session the next suitable / available time and tell them you aren’t sure if daddy has booked swimming but you’ve booked to take them on x date.

Yanbu at all

Tell him you don’t know how it works either
Stick to that regardless of whether you do know or not

You could reply with "thank you for confirming in writing how utterly incompetent and incapable of meeting the children's needs you are."

Is the activity for when he has the children or just for him?