Ex says he has stress induced heart problem and therefore I must book children's activities for his contact time

[SeriouslyAreYouSerious]

Ex wants me to make bookings for him at local leisure centre because he says he can't work their website. I don't want to because:

A) the activity is quite expensive and ex is slow and unreliable about sending money

B) I have all the dc full time (ex has once a month supervised contact court ordered) and it's quite full on, I just don't need another thing to be responsible for and spend time on

C) I don't want to be responsible for getting the right booking - it tends to book up fast and I would have to have much contact with ex over arranging it, possibly live while booking it, and I try to minimise contact with him as much as possible (he is neither nice nor reasonable)

I have therefore said no, I am sure the leisure centre people can help him with whatever issues he has with the website.

He has sent an email telling me he has a heart condition which is caused by stress and heart break, and that smoking doesn't help and he smokes more when he is stressed, therefore I must do the booking for him 'for the children'. AIBU to completely ignore this and think it is emotional manipulation? He has smoked, eaten huge amounts of sat fat and red meat, not taken any meaningful exercise for decades (since long before we even met), none of which is my responsibility and all of which will have caused his heart condition - not me or his 'broken heart'?

I can't do that because it would upset them more not to see him. They really love him, which is why I have put up with a whole lot of shit to enable contact to continue. Unfortunately he does have that power over me - he knows I will put them first even when he doesn't, or when he messes us around. His behaviour has already had a damaging effect in that ASD 13yo more often than not refuses to attend contact (and CO allows for this). It's really sad because when eldest does go he often enjoys it.

He knows he is causing them distress - or at least he knows that I say he is. He says he doesn't believe it so he doesn't care

"I will provide suitable clothing for activities if you let me know in advance (5 days as per court order). If you fail to communicate what they need, then I will no longer be chasing you up for details and they will turn up in normal clothes."

He’s a horrible waste of oxygen, isn’t he? Fortunately he’s doing everything he can to ensure that he won’t last long.

I can't do that because it would upset them more not to see him
His behaviour has already had a damaging effect in that ASD 13yo more often than not refuses to attend contact

Do you not see the contradiction in these sentences?
The way he is behaving is working for no one except him. Can you get the supervisor on board? Agree a meeting place with the supervisor and stick to that unless he asks for a variance 5 days in advance?

@SeriouslyAreYouSerious

Oh dear - should I tell him I've looked and it tells me no? I don't want to prolong this. Is my reasoning for not doing so flawed?

Do you think he really really has looked at the website and not understood the not taking bookings message? Or do you think he hasn’t gone on there at all and just keeps pretending he’s spending hours because he assumes it’s open and would rather you did it?

Either way it’s embarrassing for him. I can’t decide which one is worse.

I think if you tell him they are not taking bookings yet that gives him a perfect thing to say to the kids as to why he has t really let them down ie ‘I’d have loved to taken you but y’know CORONAVIRUS’. Rather than saying actually ‘Sorry guys, I should have checked the dates first before opening my big Disney dad no consequences to my actions gob’.

I think to manage their expectations I may say something like ‘I’m not sure the pools are open yet because of the virus and daddy didn’t check before he suggested it. Once they open you will be able to go’

Or, "Dad's been a dickhead again"

The thing about contact is it’s for the benefit of the children to see their non-resident parent. However it isn’t set in stone, even with a court order. I presume he doesn’t kick off when the eldest doesn’t want to go. As the DC get older, the younger ones may decide they don’t either. I wonder if the presence of the supervising person is driving the contact for him, because if they weren’t present, and he had to do the whole thing on his own including being at the appointed place on time, would he actually bother left to his own devices, would he be drunk or high, or would he just claim he is too stressed/unwell to have the DC. Let him sink or swim by his own efforts now.

How often does the CO give him contact? How long is the contact for? How does he get there if he is a good distance away? Is he not allowed/not able to have the kids in his car?
I'm thinking this - you have to meet wherever the contact is at his bidding - is all part of his game of manipulation and wonder if you would be better to enforce some kind of regularity/pattern for times and place if at all possible within the CO.

Contact is once a month for up to 4 hours but usually less (his choice). He hasn't got a vehicle and comes on public transport. He would much prefer me to drive the children to his home for contact, which would necessitate me then hanging around his town for the duration to then bring them back again, and ASD child finds long car journeys with his loud siblings v challenging so despite the drawbacks it is better for the dc to have contact here currently. No idea what will happen if/when he gets unsupervised contact. He is good a Disney dadding when he's in the mood but also completely capable of cancelling contact, at the very last minute, for various spurious reasons.

I know that contact is for the dc benefit, and so while they want to see him I will facilitate it in whichever way is best for them or is ordered by a court, and suck up any unavoidable inconvenience. It's just knowing where to draw the line as to what is genuinely unavoidable - unfortunately he did rather a good job in me while we were together and it has taken years to get to this point where I can just say no (albeit needing some reinforcement from a MN thread 😂). Sad but true.

So if he comes on public transport can you meet him at the bus/train station? Does he have specific days - so the last Sunday of the month or something? I'd try and get him I to some sort of pattern if contact is that infrequent. I'd also use communications methods that interrupt you life alot less for contact so infrequent. So an email address or a mobile number just for him that you check at say 7 days and the CO 5 days ahead of contact and then the day/day before. Rest of the month block, switch off, mute or whatever. Do not give him that amount of headspace!

I can’t see him getting unsupervised contact. Choosing not to see his DC for any more than 4 hrs, once a month, cancelling contact with no notice, I can’t see it happening.

Think your short reply was absolutely the right thing to do.

Regarding the meeting point, how about you set a default time and place (the train station?). And then stop chasing. If he requests something different, with reasonable notice, then you can help him out by being flexible. But it's on him to make that request, not on you to chase him.

I'd send him a message that read

One of the biggest joys of being divorced from you is that I no longer need to do this sort of shit. Grown ups can do it for themselves.

Hey - if posting here helps you face him in RL then keep posting. We're for you.

We can be your metaphorical and subconscious cheer squad if it helps

Thanks for support and suggestions. The trouble is - without outside intervention I can see it becoming a huge thing that involves even more communication trying to get him to agree to a set place and time, and he won't want to do it.

It's an idea to ask for when we are next in court. Unfortunately I think the best that I can achieve for the moment is to stop all chasing and see what happens. 😬

"Stop all chasing and see what happens" sounds like a step in the right direction.

What would happen if you sent:

"The court order says that you must inform me of the details of the contact location 5 days in advance. It is your responsibility to do this, so I will no longer be chasing you for these details.

If you do not provide details, I will make the children available to you at the station at 11am each last Sunday of the month. If you would prefer a different time or meeting place, let me know at least X days in advance, and I will facilitate that where reasonably possible."

Or I guess make no plans for that day and wait and see what happens, if that's easier for you.

Sounds really maddening. Poor you and poor kids

Unfortunately ex is one who would take that as an affront to his autonomy and it would undoubtedly spark much aggression and unpleasantness, and much additional communication. It is maddening, I'm trying not to let it be. I can't make him reasonable, I can control my own actions and I am really trying to use all the skills I have learned from the freedom programme, various women's support organisations programmes, and cbt over the years to safeguard my own mental health and do what I can to make things ok for the children. It is very hard.

Honestly just stop pandering to him.

Ignore everything that is irrelevant

He wants to stop contact?

Good.

Good riddance to bad rubbish

Just keep on looking after your MH and come for reality checks/help here.

He must be fuming you don't run around after him anymore.

Making things ok for the kids would be him in their lives on a considerably less frequent basis

Play hard ball (by not playing at all) and just agree to what works

Don’t do anything for him

Tell him to man the fuck up or drop dead, either way it’ll make your life a lot easier and you certainly won’t miss him...

(Kidding, a little, but you get the drift)

If he won’t agree to a set place or time, don’t engage

Don’t chase, don’t facilitate anything more than you have to

Can I add (I may be wrong) that you need to stop feeling guilty that they don't have a relationship and you should be facilitating it because they want it.

It'll safeguard your health more if you accept that the relationship will be there if he makes it happen. Your kids are getting to the age that they'll soon work it out for themselves. Sounds like your eldest is already at that point?

I'll never forget the day ds made a statement about how his dad is actually a twat isnt he? And how it's very clear he couldn't be bothered with him and he's glad because he didn't want a horrid person as a dad and so it's better not to have a dad.

My ds js also autistic and very matter of fact (and accurate!) about these things