Ex says he has stress induced heart problem and therefore I must book children's activities for his contact time

[SeriouslyAreYouSerious]

Ex wants me to make bookings for him at local leisure centre because he says he can't work their website. I don't want to because:

A) the activity is quite expensive and ex is slow and unreliable about sending money

B) I have all the dc full time (ex has once a month supervised contact court ordered) and it's quite full on, I just don't need another thing to be responsible for and spend time on

C) I don't want to be responsible for getting the right booking - it tends to book up fast and I would have to have much contact with ex over arranging it, possibly live while booking it, and I try to minimise contact with him as much as possible (he is neither nice nor reasonable)

I have therefore said no, I am sure the leisure centre people can help him with whatever issues he has with the website.

He has sent an email telling me he has a heart condition which is caused by stress and heart break, and that smoking doesn't help and he smokes more when he is stressed, therefore I must do the booking for him 'for the children'. AIBU to completely ignore this and think it is emotional manipulation? He has smoked, eaten huge amounts of sat fat and red meat, not taken any meaningful exercise for decades (since long before we even met), none of which is my responsibility and all of which will have caused his heart condition - not me or his 'broken heart'?

I would send much shorter acknowledgement-type emails in future.

Don't offer help or tips, or talk about managing DC's expectations.

Restrict to 'Pity, but there will be other times. The DC will be happy to see you, whatever you decide to do this time.

Stop engaging with him and his weird drama

You need to be a grey rock. And send much much shorter replies. If any at all.

Only reply to actual changes in contact or anything financial. Ignore everything else.

You could reply with-
Thank you for your email. Children will see you at xx on xx as per contact.
Regards,
And don’t engage with anything else. Just have that stock reply if you feel you must reply at all!

Agree about not getting drawn in again to long emails. He envoys getting you to engage in long emails.

Dear Twat,

It took me 30 seconds to discover they aren't yet taking bookings.

May I suggest a computer course and maybe an adult English class to stop it taking you hours to discover this in future?

Regards

He cannot actually argue with that because it's not a question as such and quite firmly puts the ball in his court to sort his shit out!

Oh my god! I thought this saga had ended but no! What is he thinking? That you can somehow magic the swimming pool open? In the grand scheme of things it's not that hard for him to just tell the children sorry, swimming pool is still closed.

I don't know how you cope with this! Is he actually capable of looking after children?

Perhaps ask a grownup to help him

Well - there are doubts about his capabilities hence current court order. His latest email again asks me to do it and offers to pay me £5 'for my time'

I did consider telling him that I'd looked at the website and it tells me they aren't taking bookings but decided against it, because that is basically doing what he wants and I feel I need to stay completely out of it in order to maintain boundaries. I also considered suggesting he contact the local pool which does appear to be open but again decided that would be crossing the boundary I want in place from now onwards.

So I replied 'I'm afraid I can't. Best wishes'

@itsgettingwierd

Agree about not getting drawn in again to long emails. He envoys getting you to engage in long emails.

Dear Twat,

It took me 30 seconds to discover they aren't yet taking bookings.

May I suggest a computer course and maybe an adult English class to stop it taking you hours to discover this in future?

Regards

He cannot actually argue with that because it's not a question as such and quite firmly puts the ball in his court to sort his shit out!

This is great advice. He doesn't give a shit about the kids swimming, it is all about drawing you into communicating and doing what he wants. If you managed to book the pool he would move on to something else. Not my circus, not my monkies, should be your mantra.

Stay strong, next time is to ignore altogether.

The only relevant request is to ask the DC to bring appropriate clothing/toys with them, he shouldn't be emailing you about anything else.

Oh dear - should I tell him I've looked and it tells me no? I don't want to prolong this. Is my reasoning for not doing so flawed?

The trouble is randomess that he never confirms these kind of details until the last minute - despite court order saying he must do so at least 5 days in advance of contact. I always end up having to chase him for the times/location/what they're doing etc.

I try to grey rock as much as possible but it's very hard when you actually need some info

No don't.

He is an adult, he shouldn't be even involving you at all.

If you set up an auto reply to his emails how long do you think it would take him to notice? Automated grey rock technique must be the future for dealing with idiots like this. May I suggest 'Dear idiot ex. NO. Sincerely, etc etc.'

Well stop doing it. You could even send one final email.

After your persistent email harassment I will now be sticking to the court order. As per the CO you need to contact me 5 days before contact and provide me with xyz. Failure to do so means I will drop the DC at the contact centre in clothing of their choice.

Or similar to that. He is playing games with you/not taking responsibility- either way you need to step back and let him succeed or fail on his own.

@SeriouslyAreYouSerious

The trouble is randomess that he never confirms these kind of details until the last minute - despite court order saying he must do so at least 5 days in advance of contact. I always end up having to chase him for the times/location/what they're doing etc.

Maybe stop chasing for this info?

Make him come to you and tell you and when the kids ask just say "dad hasn't told me yet - I'll let you know when he does".

That way the kids know you'll happily pass on info and know it's dad not giving it.

He is enjoying having the control over you where you chase him. I get that means contact day you can't make plans until you know but I'd honestly suck it up currently to remove that control.

And if he sends a message saying here's info because you haven't asked. Just reply - thanks, I don't have to ask, court order makes it clear you must do it 5 days before.

No emotion, no mention of how it effects you or kids - because that gives him control again. Just a simple message about the facts.

Ps. You're a bloody saint putting up with this man.

@RandomMess

Well stop doing it. You could even send one final email.

After your persistent email harassment I will now be sticking to the court order. As per the CO you need to contact me 5 days before contact and provide me with xyz. Failure to do so means I will drop the DC at the contact centre in clothing of their choice.

Or similar to that. He is playing games with you/not taking responsibility- either way you need to step back and let him succeed or fail on his own.

Yes, exactly this. And pass the salt to him.

I guess you're right. I have been chasing because one dc has ASD and really suffers from not knowing, and others also get stressed by it, but since the chasing isn't actually working to get him to act more reasonably I should try something else.

What is the meeting point in the CO? Could you not just say when he brings the kids back this time - right ill drop the kids to X at X time on whatever the appointed day. Do let me know if they need anything or anything needs to change? And just leave him to it?

You are definately still to ravelled up with this one.
What stood out for me was a PP who said do you want the kids to think dad is useless now or do you want older kids who either think you are wrong for stopping managing their relationship with him, or they are wrong because they can't manage it themselves. From experience don't leave it till they blame themselves!

How old are the kids OP?

Dc are 13/8/6. There is no set meeting point in order sadly but I will look for ways to step back and stop doing anything other than delivering and collecting dc (I do this because I do not want him to come to my place ever)

If you don't have 5 days notice he's breeching the court order.

Enforce it. Make the point that its his responsibility and he can't just turn up because its disruptive and upsetting to the children.

If its too 'stressful' for him to manage its not your problem. He has to manage his stress. You are not his secretary. If he cannot manage his 'stress' its not healthy for the children to be around him.

Keep to the letter of the court order. Let him take you to court if he has a problem with it. Document it all. Court is on your side. 5 days notice is fair and has been put in for a reason.

He's trying to manipulate and control you and wont take any responsibility himself. Let him get on with it. Your obligation is to your children. Play the court game not his game.

Don't chase him up. If he doesn't do what he's supposed to, he loses out. The kids don't know any different. He can try and tell them differently but he has to actually comply with the 5 day notice in order to do that!

If he has a set day, tell him a time you will bring the kids around to his house and if he wants to change that he must give you 5 days notice. That just do that exactly to the letter.

He can work it out himself from there.

It's tough, particularly with a teenager too. Especially if they are the asd child!
Can you try and orchestrate a set point - so I'll drop them to yours/your mothers/ x point in town? At X time. Let me know if things change?
At least that way the kids are seeing you trying to instill some consistency. Maybe confirm such a drop off by email at the expiry of the 5 days advance " as I haven't heard from you I'm confirming the agreement of x point at x time..." kind of thing?
I assume if he's this useless/manipulative then you would want the contact to remain supervised so all this will add to your evidence!

He lives far away, and court ordered contact to be in our town (actually - for the children) so we haven't got a set point. It has to depend on what he's doing with them unfortunately.

Hmmm perhaps tell him that he is causing the DC distress by not abiding by their CO, therefore if he doesn't abide by it including 5 days notice then you assume he is cancelling contact.