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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this comment was misogynistic?

164 replies

LancesGold · 10/04/2021 15:52

I've recently started dipping my toe into online dating. Been out for two coffee walk dates with a man who seems nice.

We were texting last night and both saying how we can't wait to get haircuts. I mentioned that some years ago I wore my hair in a pixie style crop for a long time. He responded with "You'll have looked okay with short hair though because you're attractive"

AIBU to think that this was a bit of a misogynistic thing to say? I did respond saying that he sounded like he was saying only nice looking (in his view) women should have short hair and that it was a bit of a sexist comment. He was a bit put out and denied that it was.

I'll admit I'm on the lookout big time for red flags as I've not long come out of a marriage that completely went to shit. Am I being over sensitive? Really can't decided if I am or notHmm

OP posts:
blobblob · 10/04/2021 21:08

Thing is none of us knows because we don't know how it was said or what the relationship is like. Things I say to one perosn would be rude if said to another. Things I said while driving to the supermarket would be wrong said to the same person at a dinner party or at a funeral.
Only you can decide whether you want to be with him or not. And if he's a decent person and you ike him then fine.

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 10/04/2021 21:08

[quote LancesGold]@DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo I still think that saying short hair is only acceptable for attractive woman is a sexist belief. I think that holds true whether its a man or a woman saying it.[/quote]

You might think it's sexist belief, but is it misogynistic?

TheresAnEyeInMeSoup · 10/04/2021 21:11

I don't see any misogyny here, just a compliment that backfired.

You defo sound like you are fed up with him already. You don't need a reason to not see him again if he's not for you. I think you're using perceived misogyny as a way to justify you not wanting to take this further. Just be honest with him and tell him he isn't right for you, but don't go looking for perceived slights.

ripples101 · 10/04/2021 21:32

In six pages, my opinion is about three posters have hit the nail.

OP, you mention his good qualities. But despite his good qualities, you’re not just feeling a spark. You don’t quite know why, so you’re projecting your own feelings onto a comment that he made. Maybe that’s the reason why you’re not “feeling it” you’re probably thinking to yourself.

You’ve latched on to his comment about hair.

I think you don’t really know why you’re not feeling a spark with him.

The bottom line is you don’t have to try and rationalise why you’re not really into him. So just go with that.

I bet if you fancied the pants off him, this comment wouldn’t even register with you.

But you don’t fancy the pants off him. So stop making excuses or trying to analyse the reason why you don’t fancy the pants off him. Just go with your gut.

You don’t have to justify your feelings to anyone. You don’t have to try and rationalise your feelings. Just go with your feelings.

And move on. The next guy you meet could get the fire burning in your stomach.

This man clearly doesn’t.

ripples101 · 10/04/2021 21:36

I’d also love to know why a previous poster thinks that women having more choices than men in regards to hairstyles is misogynistic.

Homehaircuts · 10/04/2021 21:43

My friends husband won't let her get a haircut passed her shoulder. Women should have long hair type thing. That is sexist. I see what you mean but I give him the benefit of the doubt maybe he means only certain people he is sees as attractive suit it. Like I don't really like beards but certain men suit it more and they are still attractive with them to me. It might be innocent but not worded right, I'm sure if he was it would come up again.

TheresAnEyeInMeSoup · 10/04/2021 21:46

My friends husband won't let her get a haircut passed her shoulder. Women should have long hair type thing.

Grim Sad if I was the wife, I'd shave my head in protest.

MajesticWhine · 10/04/2021 21:55

You'd have to be quite sensitive to be offended by that comment. But you get to pick your own rules I guess, so it's up to you how to feel.

MrsGogolsGumbo · 10/04/2021 22:12

That was not a compliment! You had good instincts there OP.

Sounds to me like:

"I find the thought of you with short hair acceptable, you would look ok"
(OK? Ooh you flatterer you Hmm)
"If I found you less facially attractive, I'd probably make you feel bad if you ever tried to cut it off again, and my opinion on how you look should really really matter to you!"

It's like you would have his reluctant acceptance with future pixie cuts - yeay!

Agree with you about it being off putting to have someone bang on about their hobby all the time and his inability to see life from your position. You don't have hours to spend watching all these "great" films he's recommending.

You say you didn't talk about being a single mum but did you tell him you are? Obviously if he doesn't know you're a single mum fair enough on not understanding how you wouldn't have time but I'm guessing that's not the case.

I'm about where you are in avoiding dating because I think I'd find most men irritating right now. I think it's mainly because of better boundaries though ha ha!

PearsandPartridge · 10/04/2021 22:13

So instead of "you are attractive" he should have said "you have the facial complexions" to pull of a short hair cut? Well that's a mouthful!!

I for one can't wait for the barbers to open so my DH can get a haircut! I find his lockdown locks don't quite suit his facial complexions, even though he thinks he is Bon bloody Jovi! 😂🤷🏼‍♀️

MrsGogolsGumbo · 10/04/2021 22:14

Oh and yes to the "I'm a nice guy" = run for the hills! Actually decent people don't feel the need to tell others how nice they are.

Quaagars · 10/04/2021 22:27

My friends husband won't let her get a haircut passed her shoulder. Women should have long hair type thing.

No, see, that's taking it to a whole new level.
I'm in the flippin eck, can't you even say that someone would suit short hair Camp but if you start dictating what hair they should have, then get to fuck

SirusTheVirus · 10/04/2021 23:08

OP - you’re allowed to not ‘click’ with the guy without having to create false labels to justify why you don’t like him!

mustlovegin · 10/04/2021 23:17

No, it doesn't seem misogynistic

Shadeelane · 11/04/2021 00:30

The wording of it is weird and would make me cringe. It would be fine if he'd said "Ooh I bet that really suited you..." rather than words to the effect of "oh well at least you got away with it cos you're attractive.." Not sure it's a dump-able offence but depends if it's an isolated thing.

Notanotheruser111 · 11/04/2021 00:48

It’s the phrasing, you”ll as opposed to other woman can pull off something inherently bad on women because your attractive. It’s a comparative compliment that I’ve notice many men do that points out your qualities compared to other women.

I find it irritating because it has echoes of things like “I love that you don’t nag/bitch/aren’t as slutty like other woman”. I don’t think it’s meant this way all of the time though.

TedMullins · 11/04/2021 01:13

It is sexist. It implies a belief that short hair isn’t generally acceptable for women but “attractive” ones get a free pass.

I don’t agree about not talking about TV though, presumably in lockdown there isn’t much else to do so if you’re talking about what you’ve both been upto then what else can he say? That sounds more like resentment on your part that he has more free time.

However. You can be put off someone for any reason you like. You don’t have to ignore your feelings about the hair comment because others have said it was a compliment (and women aren’t obliged to be grateful for men’s compliments anyway). The comment is sexist but even if it wasn’t, it’s your prerogative who you want to date! If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. You don’t have to compromise any more than you’re comfortable with. Same with the TV thing, I might not personally agree but if it puts you off, then it puts you off

Namaste6 · 11/04/2021 03:28

A well meaning comment OP. He's fully entitled to his personal opinion on aesthetics as you are in how you receive it. Would you have dated him had he appeared with, eg waist length hair or had mentioned that he wanted to grow his hair long - would you have found that aesthetically acceptable or not to your personal preference and would you have expressed that opinion to him? Asking yourself what your reaction would have been in a reverse situation may help balance your views a little.

CirclesWithinCircles · 11/04/2021 07:05

I'm with you OP. It' sounds like one of those typical phrases men on OLD say to make you aware they'd shag you. It's not really a compliment, it's an indicator that he will grace you with his sexual interest. It also subtly denigrates other women (who wouldn't suit short hair). It's far too general and motivated by self purpose to be a genuine compliment.

I don't like OLD because of this sort of thing - it feels awkward and a bit fake to hear total strangers comment on my appearance.

idrinkchocolatemilk · 11/04/2021 07:21

Yeah this is a non issue!

NEXT !!! 🙄

KatherineJaneway · 11/04/2021 07:38

Sounds like you've made a big deal of this kind comment so you can justify leaving the relationship.

If its not working for you, just leave.

AvaAvocado · 11/04/2021 10:48

Sounds to me like:

"I find the thought of you with short hair acceptable, you would look ok"
(OK? Ooh you flatterer you )
"If I found you less facially attractive, I'd probably make you feel bad if you ever tried to cut it off again, and my opinion on how you look should really really matter to you!"

It's like you would have his reluctant acceptance with future pixie cuts - yeay!

I think you might be overthinking it 😂

thebabessavedme · 11/04/2021 11:14

I wouldn't worry too much OP, I reckon you have seen him off Grin

Branleuse · 11/04/2021 11:26

I think it was intended as a compliment and that youre stretching the definition of misogyny if it includes someone complimenting a woman they are dating on how attractive they are

TheSmallAssassin · 11/04/2021 12:33

I think you are really stretching to call this a "kind comment" @KatherineJaneway - it's a grudging compliment at best. We deserve better.

Even unattractive women can "look ok" with short hair. And even if they look shocking, what of it, if they want to wear their hair short? Such a bizarre comment to make.