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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this comment was misogynistic?

164 replies

LancesGold · 10/04/2021 15:52

I've recently started dipping my toe into online dating. Been out for two coffee walk dates with a man who seems nice.

We were texting last night and both saying how we can't wait to get haircuts. I mentioned that some years ago I wore my hair in a pixie style crop for a long time. He responded with "You'll have looked okay with short hair though because you're attractive"

AIBU to think that this was a bit of a misogynistic thing to say? I did respond saying that he sounded like he was saying only nice looking (in his view) women should have short hair and that it was a bit of a sexist comment. He was a bit put out and denied that it was.

I'll admit I'm on the lookout big time for red flags as I've not long come out of a marriage that completely went to shit. Am I being over sensitive? Really can't decided if I am or not

OP posts:

MerryDecembermas · 10/04/2021 16:07

It's ridiculous to suggest not every woman would suit short hair. Imagine saying not all men suit short hair. What a world that would be.

OP you barely know this guy, you've met him a handful of times, you have to trust your gut which is clearly saying something is off.

IMO if a guy said that to me it would be a red flag, I don't expect my partner to assume he has any say in my hairstyle!

nomorehiccups · 10/04/2021 16:07

Your reply makes you sound like hard work. A pixie cut is hard to pull off - it was a compliment.

NuanceIsUselessHereSoPhuckit · 10/04/2021 16:08

Think it depends on the context of the conversation. It could be a compliment if you were talking about face shape, long/short hair, that sort of thing.

But I'd read it as a bit potentially controlling if it's a random statement where he seems to be saying "I'd like you better with short hair", meanwhile your hair is long. That would be a red flag for me because it would seem he's already giving hints of not liking you the way you are.

TheSmallAssassin · 10/04/2021 16:09

I think you are spot on. If it was a compliment it was a backhanded one, it implies that pixie cuts aren't generally acceptable, but you got away with it because you're attractive. It's a common trope that women should have long hair. I'm surprised that seems to be new to a few people on this thread.

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2021 16:09

I honestly don’t know how some folks manage to keep a relationship going. There partners must need to really really think before they ever utter a word just in case it’s taken the wrong way.

MiddleParking · 10/04/2021 16:10

[quote LancesGold]@MiddleParking That's what my gut Immediately told me but the general consensus seems to be I'm being OTT[/quote]
Absolutely not. You’re looking for a partner, an optional enhancement to your life. You don’t have to go with the minimum that you can tolerate, you should hold out for someone who your instinct tells you is kind, considerate, respectful etc and who you actively fancy.

Happycat1212 · 10/04/2021 16:10

It's ridiculous to suggest not every woman would suit short hair. Imagine saying not all men suit short hair. What a world that would be

No it would be the same as saying not every man suits/ can pull off long hair which plenty of women think

shouldistop · 10/04/2021 16:11

It's probably a bit of a borderline comment, maybe just not well thought through. If this is the only thing that's bothered you though then I don't think it's worth stopping dating him for.

Spidey66 · 10/04/2021 16:12

Youre overthinking it.

I do't get why some people are so easily offended tbh.

Quaagars · 10/04/2021 16:12

IMO if a guy said that to me it would be a red flag

A red flag for saying you'd suit a short hair cut
I think I just peak MNetted lol

NuanceIsUselessHereSoPhuckit · 10/04/2021 16:13

Ffs! I totally missed this for some reason. Sorry.

I'd read this as he doesn't like short hair but he had to say something positive about it. "Looked okay" is sort of polite for "Hope she doesn't get one".

Wearywithteens · 10/04/2021 16:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

HHSchultz · 10/04/2021 16:15

It's obviously bothered you so that's what you need to consider, trust your gut, keep an eye on anything similar, you don't want to end up ignoring things that could lead to problems down the line.

FunTimes2020 · 10/04/2021 16:17

I think I must be a sexist twat because I think only handsome hunky men suit long hair! It's best not to go overboard on the professionally offended, very off-putting.

Macncheeseballs · 10/04/2021 16:17

I get told that by both men and women

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2021 16:18

@FunTimes2020

I think I must be a sexist twat because I think only handsome hunky men suit long hair! It's best not to go overboard on the professionally offended, very off-putting.

Me too, if a bloke said to me I used to have really long hair for years I think I’d respond with “I don’t like long hair on blokes, best not be growing it again 😂” same with a beard.

AvaAvocado · 10/04/2021 16:19

Red flag? MN is bloody bonkers.

My God, poor bloke was trying to compliment you, jeez. Why must people take offence at everything these days?

NuanceIsUselessHereSoPhuckit · 10/04/2021 16:19

I think he has a right to prefer any length of hair (Its his problem) but seeing as it seems he doesn't like short hair and assuming you do, would you prefer never having one again (if you end up together) or getting one and resenting him for not being excited about it?

I agree with @MiddleParking . You don't have to settle because others don't mind.

MiddleParking · 10/04/2021 16:19

We see endless threads on here from women who’d have done well to be a lot choosier at the dating stage. It’s not like she’s considering him for an employment opportunity - there’s no obligation to be particularly tolerant of things that aren’t your bag.

JobHunting10 · 10/04/2021 16:20

That comment in itself would not bother me too much. It's like saying long hair wouldn't suit some men. Which is true.

Is there anything else bothering you about him, OP?

You're still getting to know him so just take your time.

Everyday21 · 10/04/2021 16:20

I dont think he did anything wrong. I agree not all women (including me) would suit short hair, my nose is too big. My opinion is that a woman needs small features to suit short hair

My dh wouldnt suit long hair, does that make me sexist?

FunTimes2020 · 10/04/2021 16:23

@Bluntness100 oh yes, don't get me started on beards, especially the awful "hipster" type

rwalker · 10/04/2021 16:23

The guy needs to run for the hills he basically said you suited short hair and your on high alert .
Personally couldn't cope with the drama

Pumperthepumper · 10/04/2021 16:23

I think it was just a clumsy attempt at a compliment.

But I agree with a PP - you don’t have to date him, you can stop seeing him for any reason at all. So if you felt he was being misogynistic, that’s good enough.

Justcallmebebes · 10/04/2021 16:24

I think you need to look up the meaning of misogynistic

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