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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this comment was misogynistic?

164 replies

LancesGold · 10/04/2021 15:52

I've recently started dipping my toe into online dating. Been out for two coffee walk dates with a man who seems nice.

We were texting last night and both saying how we can't wait to get haircuts. I mentioned that some years ago I wore my hair in a pixie style crop for a long time. He responded with "You'll have looked okay with short hair though because you're attractive"

AIBU to think that this was a bit of a misogynistic thing to say? I did respond saying that he sounded like he was saying only nice looking (in his view) women should have short hair and that it was a bit of a sexist comment. He was a bit put out and denied that it was.

I'll admit I'm on the lookout big time for red flags as I've not long come out of a marriage that completely went to shit. Am I being over sensitive? Really can't decided if I am or notHmm

OP posts:
crosstalk · 10/04/2021 19:33

I don't think it was more than a comment meant to be complimentary which misfired. But since he annoys you anyway because despite the fact you say he's intelligent etc and suggests films when you have to collapse into bed through sheer tiredness, just let him go. After what you've been through you don't need to be on edge at the beginning of a relationship.

AutomaticMoon · 10/04/2021 19:37

@MiddleParking Spot on

DenisetheMenace · 10/04/2021 19:40

I sort of know what he means, though. It’s a rare face that really suits a pixie/short cut (male or female).

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 10/04/2021 19:56

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Here's what I think

For some reason women have a much greater choice in hair styles than men. That, as a concept, is misogynistic. Because of thos they can choose a hairstyle that suits their face shape. I do think that you have got to have a fairly neutral eg oval or heart shaped face and no prominent features eg a big nose if you can successfully pull off an elfin cut. You dont have anything to take away attention from features of your face that youd rather hide. I have a big nose and a bit of a square chin and so wouldnt be able to pull off a very short cut.

If he thinks men look amazing with any haircut but women need to be attractive to have a certain haircut then that's another matter

@DrinkFeckArseBrick -

Misogyny is means "when men have an innate hatred of women".

could you elaborate on how women having more hairstyle choices is misogynistic?

Acrasia · 10/04/2021 19:56

Yeah I agree that an actual compliment wouldn’t include the words “okay” and “though”. However, I wouldn’t necessarily flag it up as misogynistic or sexist on its own.

littlebillie · 10/04/2021 19:58
Biscuit
Neonprint · 10/04/2021 19:59

Absolutely a red flag for me.

Original poster
LancesGold · 10/04/2021 20:11

@crosstalk You're probably right. Small things irritate me already (fairly or unfairly) so it's probably a none starter.

Regarding it being a compliment. I don't personally find a man deeming me attractive enough to look 'okay' with short hair much of a compliment but clearly others do. It's obviously a very personal thing and different women find different things complimentary.

@KFB1978 I wouldn't stop him running away if that's what he chooses to do...

OP posts:
Original poster
LancesGold · 10/04/2021 20:14

@MiddleParking I think you're right. He probably is better off holding out for a woman who wouldn't mind such a comment (or even find it flattering) Rightly or wrongly I can't be that woman.

I might just not date. I'm starting to think men just annoy me and there's nothing to be done about itGrin

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 10/04/2021 20:15

@Bluntness100

I honestly don’t know how some folks manage to keep a relationship going. There partners must need to really really think before they ever utter a word just in case it’s taken the wrong way.

Hmm

Quite! Maybe what he said came across wrongly. It's quite normal , in a new relationship to say something that you think is complimentary but you end up biting your tongue. I think we've all been there. If his conversation is littered with what you believe to be misogynistic phrases then that's another thing.
DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 10/04/2021 20:33

@LancesGold - do you still think misogynistic was the right word?

Umbivalent · 10/04/2021 20:40

If I always talked to you about a subject you had little time to partake in would you not start to get a bit irritated?

So what can a man talk to you about? Being a single mum?!

Original poster
LancesGold · 10/04/2021 20:40

@DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo I still think that saying short hair is only acceptable for attractive woman is a sexist belief. I think that holds true whether its a man or a woman saying it.

OP posts:
JackieTheFart · 10/04/2021 20:43

You're barely even into, let alone past the 'small talk' phase. I think you're overreacting.

Yes, not the best comment ever, but he was trying to pay you a compliment and be a bit flirty and missed the mark.

I think you're probably not ready yet if this has put you on edge.

Original poster
LancesGold · 10/04/2021 20:45

@Umbivalent No, but they could try and not talk so often about something that they know just leaves me thinking "God I wish I was in a position to do that more often" Surely it's about having a bit of sensitivity to people's life situations?

I don't talk about being a single mum because I'm sure he wouldn't be interested/can't relate to it.

OP posts:
Parkerwhereareyou · 10/04/2021 20:46

Bit of a weird comment but he was trying to say you're pretty.

Come on, let's face it - you do have to be pretty and have a certain kind of face to carry off a short cut. You do. He was just being honest and complimenting her at the same time.

Original poster
LancesGold · 10/04/2021 20:47

@JackieTheFart Then I might never be ready because in all honesty being flirted with makes me cringe and mens compliments regarding my looks leave me cold.

Think I might just get myself to the nunneryGrin

OP posts:
Umbivalent · 10/04/2021 20:47

If I couldn't talk about what I was watching on TV atm I don't know what I would talk about.

Umbivalent · 10/04/2021 20:48

I would put it down to an awkward compliment, not misogyny. But it doesn't sound like you like him anyway.

Original poster
LancesGold · 10/04/2021 20:50

Would you like his number then @Umbivelent? Sounds like you're a better matchGrin I hardly watch TV.

OP posts:
Umbivalent · 10/04/2021 20:54

I'm not sure my husband would like that, but thanks for the offer Grin

Original poster
LancesGold · 10/04/2021 21:01

@Umbivalent Well the offers there if you change your mindWink

OP posts:
Minnie16889 · 10/04/2021 21:02

You sound like hard work

He needs to run like his arse is on fire

Maybe put a pause on dating if you are so easily offended.

Umbivalent · 10/04/2021 21:02

Noted.

littlepattilou · 10/04/2021 21:05

@LancesGold

Yeah I hate men who think they should be telling women how they look good, but this would not have offended me. It was a well-meaning compliment, and was not misogynistic IMO.