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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this comment was misogynistic?

164 replies

LancesGold · 10/04/2021 15:52

I've recently started dipping my toe into online dating. Been out for two coffee walk dates with a man who seems nice.

We were texting last night and both saying how we can't wait to get haircuts. I mentioned that some years ago I wore my hair in a pixie style crop for a long time. He responded with "You'll have looked okay with short hair though because you're attractive"

AIBU to think that this was a bit of a misogynistic thing to say? I did respond saying that he sounded like he was saying only nice looking (in his view) women should have short hair and that it was a bit of a sexist comment. He was a bit put out and denied that it was.

I'll admit I'm on the lookout big time for red flags as I've not long come out of a marriage that completely went to shit. Am I being over sensitive? Really can't decided if I am or notHmm

OP posts:
semideponent · 10/04/2021 16:55

I wouldn't have taken it as sexist (at least not if it was just a one-off comment) but I would take it as evidence that he's quite hung up on physical appearance.

Unsure33 · 10/04/2021 16:56

Blimey

I think it’s got to the stage that no one can say anything without thinking for a full five minutes , “ could this thought be considered xxxxxxxist “

If you want to find out about the true person then you have to let them speak without censorship and preconceptions. THEN make up your mind .

krankykittykat · 10/04/2021 16:59

Yabu
Not everyone can pull off short hair
I'd look like a pissed off toddler if I had it

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 10/04/2021 17:04

I think you may have a confused view the term 'misogynistic'.

It means 'hatred of women' or severe prejudice to women.

I think the poor bloke may need more than one dodgy haircut comment to obtain the label!!

LucieStar · 10/04/2021 17:05

@Bluntness100

I honestly don’t know how some folks manage to keep a relationship going. There partners must need to really really think before they ever utter a word just in case it’s taken the wrong way.

Hmm

Yep

NuanceIsUselessHereSoPhuckit · 10/04/2021 17:08

I think the poor bloke may need more than one dodgy haircut comment to obtain the label!!

Tbf, people throw that label at anyone very easily. OP saying it about this man isn't unusual for MN atleast.

Pumperthepumper · 10/04/2021 17:09

@Unsure33

Blimey

I think it’s got to the stage that no one can say anything without thinking for a full five minutes , “ could this thought be considered xxxxxxxist “

If you want to find out about the true person then you have to let them speak without censorship and preconceptions. THEN make up your mind .

Well, she did. He said the comment. She judged it.
MiddleParking · 10/04/2021 17:13

My partner doesn’t need to think before he utters a word in case I take it the wrong way, because he generally shares my values and has similar ideas about what kinds of things you should say in what context. We don’t always agree but I never get an instinctive sense of red flags from him. There are, evidently, loads and loads of women who would be absolutely happy with this guy’s comment. Surely it makes total sense for him to hold out for one of them to date, and for OP to hold out for someone who suits her better.

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 10/04/2021 17:16

@NuanceIsUselessHereSoPhuckit

I think the poor bloke may need more than one dodgy haircut comment to obtain the label!!

Tbf, people throw that label at anyone very easily. OP saying it about this man isn't unusual for MN atleast.

You're right @NuanceIsUselessHereSoPhuckit . But we should point it out.

OP: is this fella a woman-hater, as you've suggested?
Or is he just a bit of a twonk who you don't really fancy?

DontBeRidiculous · 10/04/2021 17:20

Meh, doesn't seem like that big of a deal, honestly. But if it bothers you or you find it a turn-off, it's best to learn early on that you're not compatible.

Would it be sexist for a woman to say that she thinks some men can "get away with" having a beard or a manbun, but it looks ridiculous on others? Because I think that's true enough. I wouldn't try to tell random men that their hair looks awful, but anyone, male or female, is free to have opinions on what looks good and what doesn't.

NuanceIsUselessHereSoPhuckit · 10/04/2021 17:35

@DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo You're right, it does need to be pointed out (Where do we start? Which board first? Grin)

My guess is no 2 based on OP's posts alone.

KarmaStar · 10/04/2021 17:38

Yabu.I feel sorry for him.

Sceptre86 · 10/04/2021 17:44

I think it was a rather clumsy attempt at a compliment.

eatsleepread · 10/04/2021 17:53

Jesus ...
Guy can't win Hmm

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 10/04/2021 17:54

He's not wrong, it's hard for many people to pull off a short look, especially pixie cuts. It only seems to suit a specific face structure. I don't see what's sexist about that, but if you're looking for red flags then of course you will find them.

Skral · 10/04/2021 17:56

Dating someone is a lot about finding someone attractive (everyone has opinions about what they find attractive, even the people who don’t express their views out loud). It sounds like you are looking for a friend rather than a date.

MintLampShade · 10/04/2021 18:10

I think the poor guy was just paying you a compliment and you are reading into it. At least you know he finds you attractive. Nothing wrong with that.

Happycat1212 · 10/04/2021 18:14

At least you know he finds you attractive. Nothing wrong with that.

Apparently there is 😂

dworky · 10/04/2021 18:23

Not necessarily a red flag but definitely a dickhead.

ufucoffee · 10/04/2021 18:49

Of course it's not. He was telling you he thinks you're attractive. He could say loads of similar things to a man about hair styles. Lighten up or your pool of potential partners is going to shrink massively

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/04/2021 19:03

Here's what I think

For some reason women have a much greater choice in hair styles than men. That, as a concept, is misogynistic. Because of thos they can choose a hairstyle that suits their face shape. I do think that you have got to have a fairly neutral eg oval or heart shaped face and no prominent features eg a big nose if you can successfully pull off an elfin cut. You dont have anything to take away attention from features of your face that youd rather hide. I have a big nose and a bit of a square chin and so wouldnt be able to pull off a very short cut.

If he thinks men look amazing with any haircut but women need to be attractive to have a certain haircut then that's another matter

peak2021 · 10/04/2021 19:15

From what you describe, he is not the man for you. I think politely declining a third date would be appropriate.

Nordicwannabe · 10/04/2021 19:19

If he irritates you already, it isn't going to get better. Your gut might be telling you he's a bit off, or it might be telling you that you're just not that into him.

Listen to your gut - it's there to help you.

emilyfrost · 10/04/2021 19:24

YABU. How can you possibly be offended by this? Confused

KFB1978 · 10/04/2021 19:32

I think he should be running not walking away.