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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this comment was misogynistic?

164 replies

LancesGold · 10/04/2021 15:52

I've recently started dipping my toe into online dating. Been out for two coffee walk dates with a man who seems nice.

We were texting last night and both saying how we can't wait to get haircuts. I mentioned that some years ago I wore my hair in a pixie style crop for a long time. He responded with "You'll have looked okay with short hair though because you're attractive"

AIBU to think that this was a bit of a misogynistic thing to say? I did respond saying that he sounded like he was saying only nice looking (in his view) women should have short hair and that it was a bit of a sexist comment. He was a bit put out and denied that it was.

I'll admit I'm on the lookout big time for red flags as I've not long come out of a marriage that completely went to shit. Am I being over sensitive? Really can't decided if I am or notHmm

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 10/04/2021 16:26

I don't hear sexism here. He wasn't saying only lovely female faces should have short hair just that it would suit you. He is right I think as I would look a fright with very short hair.

Original poster
LancesGold · 10/04/2021 16:26

@JobHunting10 I don't know. He seems nice. He's intelligent, seems kind hearted, good job etc. He's always talking about films hes watching/I should watch. I do find it a bit annoying because I'm a knackered single mum with no time/energy to watch films. That's not his fault thoughGrin

He has mentioned that he's a 'nice guy which I was a bit Hmm about. I've found men who claim to be 'nice often turn out the exact opposite.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 10/04/2021 16:26

Op have you posted about him before? Your latest update sounds familiar.

Original poster
LancesGold · 10/04/2021 16:27

@rwalker I'm on general high alert because I don't want another awful relationship. My ex husband came across as the sweetest man around until I discovered he'd been hiding horrifying things he did in the past!

OP posts:
Original poster
LancesGold · 10/04/2021 16:29

@shouldistop No. I did post about a guy always going on about films etc. but it wasn't him. I just seem to attract those sorts of men for some reason?

OP posts:
tara66 · 10/04/2021 16:30

He had an opinion - which he expressed.

JobHunting10 · 10/04/2021 16:31

LancesGold My take on this is, so far, there isn't anything from what you've written that sounds alarming. Just take it easy and relax. If you have a weird gut feeling, listen to it. At this stage, you're just getting to know him. It doesn't have to work out long term. You don't need to see him again at any point if that's how you feel. Just keep an open mind, and keep dating. If he's not floating your boat, there are plenty others out there so keep looking. Good luck Flowers

MoiraNotRuby · 10/04/2021 16:32

I dont really judge people on their appearance so a comment like that would make me think we don't have much in common. I think women should have whatever hairstyle they want to! And so should men. So if a man had an opinion on what was an acceptable haircut I would think 'who t f are you to pass judgement '.

MiddleParking · 10/04/2021 16:32

You can guarantee that some of these same posters would be berating an OP who had sleepwalked into a relationship with a dickhead or even just someone she didn’t like that much.

rainyskylight · 10/04/2021 16:32

I think it was said kind of clumsily but actually was a compliment and has some truth in it. Short hair can be very unforgiving on the face. Women with conventionally attractive and even features can pull off the most challenging haircuts. Winona Ryder, Emma Watson etc.

Pupster21 · 10/04/2021 16:37

Some women don’t suit short hair, I found out I really really don’t. My husband would absolutely not suit long hair, and he wouldn’t suit a beard.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 10/04/2021 16:38

Is there something to be said that apparently only elfin women with tiny attractive features can suit short hair and only hunky men can suit long hair that actually it's not about hair at all..... and that it's all actually gender stereotypes as opposed to actual aesthetics. Like thank god the OP has socially acceptable attractive features and therefore looks acceptable with a pixie cut.

billy1966 · 10/04/2021 16:39

OP,

If your gut felt it was off, then listen to YOUR gut.
Always.
Your gut is there to protect you.

You heard the tone and inflection.

Flowers
LimitIsUp · 10/04/2021 16:41

It was clumsy rather than misogynist.

I wouldn't drop someone for that

Original poster
LancesGold · 10/04/2021 16:41

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov Thank you! I think that's what's bothering me here. Who the hell cares whether your haircut is deemed attractive? Wear your hair how you like. Its got nothing to do with what anyone else thinks.

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 10/04/2021 16:41

No. I did post about a guy always going on about films etc. but it wasn't him. I just seem to attract those sorts of men for some reason?

Or maybe you just need to chill out and stop over thinking everything and making it into an issue? When it's not

Original poster
LancesGold · 10/04/2021 16:43

@billy1966 Thank youFlowers I agree regarding gut feelings. I ignored quite a few red flags with my ex (not saying that what this guy said was definitely a red flag) and boy has it bitten me on the arse five years down the line.

OP posts:
NuanceIsUselessHereSoPhuckit · 10/04/2021 16:45

and that it's all actually gender stereotypes as opposed to actual aesthetics

Yes I think it's stereotypical. I also think attractiveness is subjective and don't associate tiny and all that with attractive. But there's a group unspoken agreement to what should be attractive and what shouldn't, all merged into subliminal messages everywhere. But that's another topic.

Covert19 · 10/04/2021 16:46

I recently had a conversation with my brother in law, who has a receding hairline, about whether he should shave the whole lot off. I said I didn't think he had the sort of face that could carry that look off successfully. Am I a misandrist?

He told you he likes your face (and possibly that he prefers long hair). Neither of these things is a crime.

Original poster
LancesGold · 10/04/2021 16:47

@Happycat1212 Sorry but it IS annoying when a guy talks constantly about films when I've got no time to watch them myself. Perhaps I'm selfish but someone constantly telling me they're about to chill with a wine and a good film when I'm about to collapse into bed in an exhausted heap IS a bit annoying for me.

If I always talked to you about a subject you had little time to partake in would you not start to get a bit irritated? Surely that's just human nature?

OP posts:
KarensChoppyBob · 10/04/2021 16:47

Tbh I've been guilty of saying that some men still look good with shaved heads or no hair, due to facial/bone structure etc, doesn't detract from their looks basically.

I don't think this is any different.

So Yabu OP.

AvaAvocado · 10/04/2021 16:48

I don't know. He seems nice. He's intelligent, seems kind hearted, good job etc.

Fucker! All red flags - get rid now 😂

Tinacollada · 10/04/2021 16:49

Massive overreaction.

If you compliment him are you sexist?

NuanceIsUselessHereSoPhuckit · 10/04/2021 16:51

OP you seem irritated by this man already, judging by your last post. So the haircut issue isn't an isolated event, is it?

Pedalpushers · 10/04/2021 16:54

I get the slight misogynistic edge. I would be wondering what he generally thinks of women he finds unattractive sporting haircuts he deems unsuitable for them. In my experience, men who would say something like that would also suggest that someone shouldn't wear x because they're too fat, too old etc. The way men think when they make comments like that doesn't tend to be the same as the way women think.