Page 6 | Should I register baby with his last name?

hgersta · 2021-04-09T20:51:01+00:00

I'm new here so I'm not sure where to put this. I gave birth a week ago. When I was pregnant me and baby's dad argued a lot. When we found out I was pregnant he blamed me but then he apologised. We then split up in October because we constantly argued although we were still good friends. In January we decided to give it another go and since then we've argued a couple of times but not as much as last year. When I was pregnant I was told not to put his name on the birth certificate or give baby his last name by different family members. I'm not sure now though as so far he's been a 'good' dad (although it's only been a week so it could change). What would you do?

georgarina · 02/05/2021 13:56

I had a similar situation with DS's dad. DS has my last time. Dad is not around now, DS and I are a family and we share the same name. I remember members of ex's family trying to guilt me and saying it was so generous of him to "allow" me to make that choice - which I just laughed at.

If they're not acting as the parent, why should the child have their name? Respect yourself as the parent, and give your child a last name that reflects the person who loves and cares about them.

LittlestBoho · 02/05/2021 14:11

@Dannibear7

Yeah I feel exactly the same but honestly he would make my life hell if I didn’t let him, I’ve asked for double barrel and he has said no to that aswell. We do all the hard work I think it should be law if unmarried the baby gets mother’s surname and I don’t know why there isn’t a law brought out for it to save so many arguments. I hate the thought of not having same surname as the baby but would also like to know if baby has his surname does he have more rights? He’s so bloody controlling!

Why are you with him @Dannibear7 ?

You don't need a law about surnames. Only you can register the birth of the baby, he can't. You should secretly go and register the baby with your surname and his name not on the birth certificate and then dump his controlling arse.

If you put him on the birth certificate (regardless of the surname) he could take your baby away and the police wouldn't be able to do anything because he is an equal parent to you in the eyes of the law. You'd have to go to court to get your baby back which could take a long time. Protect yourself and your baby.

My friend gave her kids her ex DPs name. He was a waste of space, left her when the youngest was a tiny baby, hasn't paid any maintenance or seen the kids in the years since, but he won't allow her to change their surname and she can't do it without his permission. She looks after them 24/7, 365 days a year, yet they all have their dad's name and there's nothing she can do about it.

yikesanotherbooboo · 02/05/2021 14:13

There is no reason for unmarried couples to even consider father's name. Even if you are married it is a moot point unless you share a surname. Add a complicated relationship into the mix and the risk that you might not be together for the rest of your baby's childhood and it really could be a big mistake and very unfair on your child.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/05/2021 14:21

@Dannibear7 Stop asking him, just go and register your child's birth with your name. If you feel like being kind then add his surname as a second middle name. He has not married you, why would baby only have his name? As others have stated he can hold control over you and your baby if you name him on the certificate. Don't give him that power.

Make your life hell? Quite honestly if he is that nasty why do you want him around?

2bazookas · 02/05/2021 14:31

If you are not married, then if you go alone to register the birth you will not be allowed to register BF as the father. He has to be there himself, with proof of ID , to confirm he accepts the child is his.

AnotherEmma · 02/05/2021 14:50

@Dannibear7
The name is the least of your worries. LTB.

Dannibear7 · 02/05/2021 15:33

Hi everyone thanks for reply's. Well I feel I am with him because of the baby now because he's already threatened to take her 50% she's a newborn and I'd be devastated if he did that but he would try to so I stay with him for my baby even though he's so controlling. All he says it's tradition to have his name and not mine but honestly if I didn't sign with his name as surname he would make my life awful for me so don't think it's worth it

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 02/05/2021 15:40

Dannibear7 that's only tradition if you're married. Traditionally and historically a child took the mithers name if born out of wedlock.

SelkieFly · 02/05/2021 15:43

Give the baby your name.
You won't be preventing him from being a good man or a good father. He will have the freedom to be a good father, so, stand back and seee what he's got.

TurquoiseDragon · 02/05/2021 15:54

@DifficultBloodyWoman

No!

You cannot put him on the birth certificate as you are not married. He has to put himself of the birth certificate. That is a separate issue to naming your baby.

Do not give the baby his last name. There are lots of reasons for this (and some are better than others):

tradition - children traditionally have their mother’s surname which may or may not be the same as their father’s surname

spite - your on again/off again boyfriend hasn’t given you his name (via the security of marriage) so why would you give his name to your child?

practicality - you will be dealing with your child’s healthcare and education and travel to much greater degree than your on/off boyfriend so make sure those professionals easily link you and your baby

realistically, (I’m sorry) - you are unlikely to still be a couple in 10 years time. Do you really want the reminder of your exes name every day?

practicality (again) - if you marry him later it is very easy to change the child’s name. If you split up later, it is virtually impossible to change to your name.

In addition, if he's on the BC, he has equal rights regarding the baby and any decisions.

Means that it's never straight forward parenting by the mother.

I've seen more than one thread on MN where the father has taken the baby and refused to hand it back, leaving the mother having to go to court to try and get her baby back. If a father has PR, the police will not get involved.

As for this particular situation, I also do not think this relationship will last. I feel OP should give baby her surname, and also leave him off the BC for now.

TurquoiseDragon · 02/05/2021 16:01

I think it should be law if unmarried the baby gets mother’s surname and I don’t know why there isn’t a law brought out for it to save so many arguments. I hate the thought of not having same surname as the baby but would also like to know if baby has his surname does he have more rights? He’s so bloody controlling!

Why are you with him @Dannibear7 ?

You don't need a law about surnames. Only you can register the birth of the baby, he can't. You should secretly go and register the baby with your surname and his name not on the birth certificate and then dump his controlling arse.

If you put him on the birth certificate (regardless of the surname) he could take your baby away and the police wouldn't be able to do anything because he is an equal parent to you in the eyes of the law. You'd have to go to court to get your baby back which could take a long time. Protect yourself and your baby.

It's already the legal default that the mother's name is used, it just so happens that if the parents are married it's also the father's name.

But yes, a father''s name (if the parents are not married) can only be added if they attend the appointment with the mother.

And fathers can't take a baby away if they aren't on the BC, the police can definitely get involved if the father doesn't have PR.

Boo2997 · 02/05/2021 16:06

Personally I would give your baby your surname. I say this from experience. I had an on/off relationship with DS’s dad throughout pregnancy and he was in and out. Sometimes full on and sometimes non existent same after DS was born. It was a novelty when DS was born, things seemed great but he has been really inconsistent.

I am glad that DS took my name. His dad was still on birth certificate but there’s nothing wrong with a baby taking the mothers surname at all.

cptartapp · 02/05/2021 16:16

Men want the status of the surname but most don't even bother with 50/50 in a split. All talk, no action.
Your relationship doesn't sound promising.
Your name.

Pinkpaisley · 02/05/2021 16:18

I’m happily married to my child’s father, she still has my surname.

Fuckitsstillraining · 02/05/2021 16:34

I'm astounded by suggestions that you don't put the fathers name on the birth certificate. I gave my son my surname but absolutely put his fathers name on the birth cert. Its a legal document and I think should be filled in honestly and completely. I'd hate any child to see a birth certificate with a blank place instead if a parents name.

billy1966 · 02/05/2021 17:38

I genuinely do not understand women giving their partner's name to a baby if they are not married.

OP,
Give the baby YOUR name.

LittlestBoho · 02/05/2021 18:07

@Dannibear7

Hi everyone thanks for reply's. Well I feel I am with him because of the baby now because he's already threatened to take her 50% she's a newborn and I'd be devastated if he did that but he would try to so I stay with him for my baby even though he's so controlling. All he says it's tradition to have his name and not mine but honestly if I didn't sign with his name as surname he would make my life awful for me so don't think it's worth it

Him being controlling is even more reason to get out now while your baby is so young. Do you want her to grow up thinking this is a normal relationship? The longer you're with him the more he'll grind you down until you won't have the strength to leave him.

Put it this way: You ARE going to break up with him one day. It might be next week, in 3 months time, in 10 years, but sure as anything you two are going to break up. He's going to make your life a misery for that 1 week / 3 months / 10 years. Isn't it better to go now? Save yourself 10 years of suffering and pain.

Are you breastfeeding? He wouldn't get anywhere near 50/50 custody of a tiny baby. The courts know that babies need their mums. He's just saying it to scare you; all these abusive men read from the same script. They don't care about the baby's welfare, only controlling the mother. If you put his name on the birth certificate you are giving him a weapon that he can use against you for the next 18 years. Don't give him that weapon! You have nothing to gain from it but he can make your life a misery much more easily if he's on the birth cert. He can take you to court to be added to the birth cert in the future, but for now keep him off it.

@Dannibear7 Maybe start your own thread in the Relationships section to get advice about the best way to protect yourself and your daughter.

FortniteBoysMum · 02/05/2021 18:18

Think carefully. Once his on it you cannot take him off and he legally has the same rights as you. On the plus it also makes it easier to claim maintenance as he cannot deny parentage if his on it. However PUT THE BABY IN YOUR NAME what ever you decide. If you later get married to him you change the birth certificate then to his name if you split up you will be thankful your child has your name. Far easier to travel abroad when your child has your name. My eldest is in mine and youngest has both mine and his dads. No problems when I travel as both have my name. My sil however because her child has a different name often has to prove at airports she is not trafficking her child.

cptartapp · 02/05/2021 20:50

"Threatened to take her 50%"
Course he will.

AnotherEmma · 02/05/2021 21:21

Abusive men always threaten that shit.
It would never happen, of course.

Dashel · 02/05/2021 21:31

I would 100% give the child your surname.

You carried them for 9 months, gave birth and will be with them for their childhood and into adulthood. You will be guaranteed to be at every doctors appointment, school play, parents evening etc

Why would you want them to have a different surname just because someone gave them some sperm? If he wants the baby to have the same surname as him, then I would suggest you get married (assuming you wanted to) or he can always change his surname to yours.

After all if he sods off tomorrow you won’t be able to change the child’s surname to yours as no doubt he won’t agree to it, but if in 5 years time, you want to get married to the father he would then allow the change to his own name.

GreenDahlia · 02/05/2021 21:39

why would you give your baby this vile arses Surname and not yours... the mind boggles

Dannibear7 · 02/05/2021 23:53

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

Dannibear7 that's only tradition if you're married. Traditionally and historically a child took the mithers name if born out of wedlock.

Hi I would love it to be tradition but all my partner keeps saying Is no it's tradition to take his name. I can't dump him as he would try and take my baby from me and I know he would try his best to make my life hell. I do feel so trapped with him and how controlling he is.

RachelRaven · 03/05/2021 00:01

@Dannibear7 leave his name off the bc and give baby your surname. He is controlling and abusive. Giving baby his surname will not make him any less controlling and abusive. Be can go to court to add his name to bc if he can be arsed. It is tradition for baby’s to have their mother’s surname.

You need to tell your hv about how controlling he is and make plans to leaves

Purpleweeks · 03/05/2021 00:02

I would only give my child a different surname from myself if a wedding was already planned and my name would imminently be changed to the same, otherwise no way would my child have a difference surname to me.