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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I register baby with his last name?

165 replies

hgersta · 09/04/2021 21:51

I'm new here so I'm not sure where to put this.

I gave birth a week ago. When I was pregnant me and baby's dad argued a lot. When we found out I was pregnant he blamed me but then he apologised. We then split up in October because we constantly argued although we were still good friends. In January we decided to give it another go and since then we've argued a couple of times but not as much as last year. When I was pregnant I was told not to put his name on the birth certificate or give baby his last name by different family members.

I'm not sure now though as so far he's been a 'good' dad (although it's only been a week so it could change).

What would you do?

OP posts:
Fuckitfuckit · 10/04/2021 01:01

Honestly, I'd say no.
DDs dad was useless, unbelievably so, I wanted her to have her fathers last name, I wanted him to have the same parental rights as me.

Even now I am paying for that woeful mistake.

He hasn't seen DD for 8 years. He hasn't sent a birthday or Christmas card, she has shoes that cost more than his input into her upbringing. He still has equal rights to her as I do.

All I can see, from my position is that you will be opening the door for him to cause trouble if he wishes to.

I'm sorry, I wish I could be more positive... its possible to give him parental rights when your child is a little older. I think its easier to give those rights than it is to take them away.

Uniquerandomer · 10/04/2021 01:05

@girlofnow

If the OP is flagging this up, she must have doubts. I am just making her aware, incase there is any DV or issues going on, it could become a living nightmare for her if he is on the birth certificate.

KarmaNoMore · 10/04/2021 01:12

In a nutshell: you just give your child a his name if he is likely to be present to raise child most of the time.

By the way, keeping him off the birth certificate is not a long term safety net, any man can get parental responsibility by simply requesting a DNA test in court.

WisnaeMe · 10/04/2021 02:14

Absolutely NOT.

Give baby YOUR surname OP Flowers

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/04/2021 02:28

No!

  1. You cannot put him on the birth certificate as you are not married. He has to put himself of the birth certificate. That is a separate issue to naming your baby.
  1. Do not give the baby his last name. There are lots of reasons for this (and some are better than others):
  • tradition - children traditionally have their mother’s surname which may or may not be the same as their father’s surname
  • spite - your on again/off again boyfriend hasn’t given you his name (via the security of marriage) so why would you give his name to your child?
  • practicality - you will be dealing with your child’s healthcare and education and travel to much greater degree than your on/off boyfriend so make sure those professionals easily link you and your baby
  • realistically, (I’m sorry) - you are unlikely to still be a couple in 10 years time. Do you really want the reminder of your exes name every day?
  • practicality (again) - if you marry him later it is very easy to change the child’s name. If you split up later, it is virtually impossible to change to your name.
ivfbeenbusy · 10/04/2021 03:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/04/2021 03:34

Your name. It will make life easier for you and is super easy to change to dads name later. Changing from dads name to mums name later is much more difficult and expensive

It’s really up to him if he is on the birth certificate as he has to go along. It’s a whole different set of issues as that gives him parental responsibility. Just remember even if he isn’t on there he will have to pay CMS. It sounds like you are not living together so please apply for that now. It may give you a sense of whether it would be a good idea to have him on the birth certificate. If he kicks off about paying the bare minimum to raise his child what does that say about him

And congrats on your baby

WisnaeMe · 10/04/2021 05:47

@ivfbeenbusy

He needs to go on the birth certificate - you were "adult" enough to make a baby with him and his contribution in that respect deserves recognition. You sound incredibly immature to leave him off because you had a few silly arguments and broke up for a while - whose to say the arguments weren't your fault - you don't get Carte Blanche because you're a woman and pregnant but MN does love to use the birth certificate to punish men. As for the name no you don't need to give the child his

I think OP's ex found the Thread

Rangoon · 10/04/2021 05:50

He hasn't married you. You've had the baby. Why should the baby have his surname? I would never put him on the birth certificate in these cirumstances as he'll end up with rights and you'll have all the responsibility. So far he's been supportive for a whole week. If he sticks around - which I very much doubt - it can be amended later. It doesnt mean he can't see the baby or spend time with her. He doesnt need to be on the birth certificate for you to claim child support either.

Shoxfordian · 10/04/2021 06:07

Has he even proposed at any point? If he hasn’t offered you his name then you shouldn’t give it to the baby. Give the baby your name and think seriously about whether you want to stay with him

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/04/2021 06:43

This reply has been deleted

Post references deleted post Talk Guidelines.

insancerre · 10/04/2021 06:49

The baby gets your name unless you both register the birth together and chose to put his
You can’t register in his name unless he is there if you are not married

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 06:52

Register in your name. If he asks about it and shows an interest in registering the baby then I'd put him on the certificate. If he can't be bothered to look into registering the baby himself or show any interest then leave him off.

MazekeenSmith · 10/04/2021 06:59

Why would any woman who has just given birth to a baby and split with the partner name the baby with the ex's last name??

BusyLizzie61 · 10/04/2021 07:24

The best advice is your surname, and not on the bc. A week of father of the year is easy, though he hasn't managed any as partner of the year by the sounds of it...

However, if you want an amicable relationship, then likelihood is that this will hamper the relationship.

But in terms of protecting you and your lo, as lone parents, if you think this is inevitable, then I would keep that safeguarding. It doesn't mean that he couldn't still have contact etc if you split and would still be liable for paying child maintenance regardless of the bc.

Aprilx · 10/04/2021 07:32

I wouldn’t rule out putting him on the birth certificate, because I think it wouldn’t be nice to go through life with father unknown on my birth certificate. That doesn’t mean you have to give the baby his surname, I wouldn’t do that, you two aren’t going to be together long.

meditrina · 10/04/2021 07:34

His name can only go on the birth certificate if he attends the appointment, but of course he may happily do so. Has he mentioned it?

I would definitely stick traditional, and give the baby the mother's surname. Much more convenient on every level, as well.

Is he likely to bother to go to court for PR? If so, you may as well put him on the birth certificate, as the outcome will be the same and the hassle rather less.

Or do you think he actually won't care/doesn't know/doesn't mind?

Marmaladegin · 10/04/2021 07:40

@AnneLovesGilbert

A baby should always take its mother’s last name. If that’s the same as its father then fine otherwise just the mum’s.

There is no possible reason you should use his surname. You’ve already split up once. A week is no time at all.

And why wouldn’t you use your name? Please use your name.

100% this.
Chiwi · 10/04/2021 07:41

I'm in a lovely, caring, supportive long term relationship, we are just not married. And my biggest regret is giving our daughter my partner's surname. I still cry about it now. Do not do it!

scatteredglitter · 10/04/2021 07:44

Don't use his name and don't put him on the birth certificate

If you have any doubts read the long treads in relationships

megletthesecond · 10/04/2021 07:45

Use your name and don't back down.

My ex forced me to use my name and wouldn't let the dc's be double barrelled. It's been a pain. Luckily I haven't been able to afford to go abroad so I've not had an issue with passports being in different names.

Thatwentbadly · 10/04/2021 07:47

Never. Traditionally and for ease to reduce problems later babies should have their mothers last name.

If everything goes well in the future and you decide to marry him and change your name then you can change the child’s name.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 10/04/2021 07:49

I double-barrelled DDs name, I split up with her dad on finding out I was pregnant, it wasn't a great relationship (not abusive but he wasn't a good boyfriend) but did my name-his name. DD likes being double barrelled as has both family names.

He did go on the birth certificate and we did have a period of him being a bit of a twit during Dds toddler years when he wanted contact on his terms but she's 11 now and has a good relationship with him. He was a bad boyfriend, he's a good dad.

Do you actually want a relationship with this man? Not just for the baby, do you actually like and trust him? Does he make you feel good and appreciated? If not cut your loses now and get used to being a single parent from the start, the sleepless nights are tough on your own but everything else is doable.

If you choose not to name him and not to give him parental responsibility then it's likely to cause more arguments and end the relationship anyway.

newmumwithquestions · 10/04/2021 07:54

A lot of responses confusing parental rights with what name the child has. They are not related.
If you both go to register the birth, you can register the child as having shared parental responsibility. You should do that. It doesn’t mean you have equal responsibility- I suspect you’re going to do most of the work here. But it means your child father is properly registered.

Now to your actual question. Please register your surname not his for your baby. There is no reason in the world to register your baby with his. It’s not even traditional as unmarried mothers were usually disowned by the father and family.
I registered mine with my surname. My pregnancy, my labour, my career that was put on hold. I did suggest that we all changed our names to something different but OH (now husband) didn’t want that so I stuck with mine.

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 07:58

Is he allowed to go and register the baby and leave the mum off?