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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do your parents / PIL give you money?

402 replies

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 18:58

I’m not sure what I’m asking really but here goes.

My DH and I are comfortably off, good professional jobs and a nice lifestyle. We’re not loaded but we live in SW London and have been largely unaffected by the pandemic.

I don’t have parents anymore and my upbringing was dysfunctional so I’m not sure how normal parents behave.

DH’s parents keep giving us money - fairly large sums. We never ask for it and don’t ‘need’ it but it’s usually for something as a gift. Eg. We needed a new front door. We were saving for it but they said they’d like to buy it. Then they thought the porch needed doing (it did) so offered to pay for that too.

Now MIL wants to talk to me and I know she’s going to offer to pay for a new patio as I was talking to her about getting it priced up and saving for it.

PIL are very nice, kind and VERY easygoing people. They don’t try to control us or anything. I think they just want to spread their good fortune a bit but it feels odd somehow?

I’m 43 - surely parents stop this stuff if you’re old and solvent as we are?

So YABU - parents like to do this if they can - just enjoy it.

YANBU - it’s unusual and no parents I know fund their solvent adults home improvements so you should stop taking the money

OP posts:
PurBal · 09/04/2021 20:12

No.

Doilooklikeatourist · 09/04/2021 20:15

My parents are long gone , but Mum ( especially ) would always give us money at Christmas
My inlaws gave the DC £100 a month allowance when they were at uni , which helped tremendously and they still pay even though they’ve both now graduated
They bought us a new tv when we moved , a lawn mower when ours needed replacing , give DH a big cheque at Christmas
We appreciate it , and do the same to our DC
What goes round , comes around

Roseyleaf · 09/04/2021 20:16

This thread makes me think of my grandmother, who raised me.

She wasn't at all wealthy, but when I first got married (in the 1980s) and we would go to visit her she used to sneak a £20 note into my handbag.

megletthesecond · 09/04/2021 20:18

I had a deposit for a house. But I don't get other gifts of money.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 09/04/2021 20:19

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I'm really quite shocked by how many adults are helped so much by their parents. We pay for everything ourselves, no one ever offers to buy us anything, but then our parents never had help from their parents either. None of us are well off. Even when our parents die we will basically be left with nothing.
It’s not ‘help’ per se. We don’t need help, can fund our own lifestyle and have never asked for anything. It’s just a gift, really. They want to do it. My dad never had money from his parents, as they didn’t have any. My dad does have it though, and enjoys treating us.
Megan2018 · 09/04/2021 20:20

My parents do this frequently, DH has completely toxic parents and hasn’t had £1 since he was abandoned at 15 (long story).

My parents have inherited a lot and don’t spend much, they like to treat us. I am very grateful-it was a huge help on mat leave. I never expect it, and I hope to do the same for DD.

AlwaysLatte · 09/04/2021 20:21

Is it a tax thing? My MIL always used to give cash to her children every year because it was a tax free gift and saved a bit of inheritance tax later.,

MrsBobDylan · 09/04/2021 20:23

I think that sounds ideal op - joy is in the giving and I know I'd love to help my kids financially when they are older.

My Mum doesn't help out financially at all. She would prefer to sit on her money then gift 40% to the tax man when she finally snuffs it.

AlwaysLatte · 09/04/2021 20:24

@Roseyleaf she sounds lovely.

RaeRaeMama · 09/04/2021 20:24

My mum has offered to pay for things quite a lot. I wouldn't say my parents are rich... but they're very comfortable and have more money than anyone else I know. The latest thing is they want to give us money to start a business.

What your in laws pay for seems a bit different though?

To be honest, I don't accept from my parents because I would never want my parents to think I give a flying fig about their money. I spend time with them because I like them.

I used to know this gentleman through work (he was a customer) and he was a multi millionaire with an enormous property portfolio, he started buying property in the 70s and has worked all his life building everything up. His whole family I.e. children, children's partners, grandchildren are all involved in some way with the running of all the properties. They live in large expensive houses. They all seem to have attached themselves to him but not in a dad/grandfather kind of way, it feels more about the money. That makes me really sad. I happen to know some family members have talked trash about him to my colleagues... he's actually a really kind and interesting person.

I wouldn't take it, I think taking does have significance even if you say it doesn't. That's the problem with money.

kathmacc · 09/04/2021 20:25

My Mum was the same -she had a really good final salary pension and suddenly I had new windows/a tent/handmade Mexican hammock - it was all stuff I had told her we wanted - when she died between myself and sister there was no inheritance tax to pay - win win x

benorjerry · 09/04/2021 20:25

@Merryoldgoat

We never ever expect it and it’s very gratefully received. It’s just I suppose I feel a bit awkward talking about future plans as I worry they think I’m hinting.

I want to be able to say ‘We’re saving for a garden room - it’ll be so useful’ without worrying they think I expect them to pay.

DH thinks I’m stupid but he had the idyllic childhood most can only imagine.

It's a way of giving you your inheritance when you need it rather than seeing you scrimp and save while they have money in the bank they're not needing, I did the same after my OH died last year.
HowManyToes · 09/04/2021 20:28

My in laws are very well off due to some very fruitful investments. They are very generous (DH is an only child) and over the past few years have paid for some home improvements and bought us a new car. Never cash. It used to make me uncomfortable but their reasoning is that they’ll never be able to spend it all so they want to share and see us happy. We both earn decent salaries so don’t struggle, we’d never ask for anything even if we were. I’ve come to accept that they’re just really kind and generous people ❤️

AnneElliott · 09/04/2021 20:28

My parent a don't as I don't allow the to buy anything for me (dysfunctional hood hood). They do buy DS stuff though.

MIL though is always trying to buy our shopping and such like. She had a row with DH last week as he tried to pay for our own shopping! She doesn't have the money to pay for patios etc but I've no doubt she would if she could!

We're also very comfortable- no money worries. So it's not because of our circumstances.

RolloTomassi · 09/04/2021 20:28

Some people obviously take great pleasure from spreading the joy to their kids when they can. I think it's lovely, generous, and normal - even if it's not too common.

My grandparents would do this kind of thing with my own parents, and mine always treat us when they can afford to.
I'd hope to indulge my children at any age, if/when I can.

In your shoes I would give them gushing reactions, and enjoy it!

Chattercino · 09/04/2021 20:29

@Popfan
I wonder if you are my sister...Grin

1Morewineplease · 09/04/2021 20:29

It probably comes from a need to see you enjoy the fruits of their Labour .
With all due respect, and I know exactly where you're coming from, they can't take their money with them when they go.
Just accept it and enjoy it. It will please them.

RaeRaeMama · 09/04/2021 20:29

Wow reading these comments about people taking money from parents...

And the comments about how it's their inheritance? Wow

I have always viewed my parents money as theirs, I don't feel I have any claim over it whatsoever. I'm a grown woman (29).

I'm sorry but I think it's pretty appalling some of these comments. It seems wrong to me.

Popfan · 09/04/2021 20:31

@Chattercino Grin I only have a brother!

TedMullins · 09/04/2021 20:32

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I'm really quite shocked by how many adults are helped so much by their parents. We pay for everything ourselves, no one ever offers to buy us anything, but then our parents never had help from their parents either. None of us are well off. Even when our parents die we will basically be left with nothing.
Me too! I saw a pp say it’s not help as they don’t need it and could fund their life without it but that’s not what shocked me, I’m shocked that so many parents just give their adult children money for no reason! I can understand helping them if they fall on hard times but to just say ‘I fancy giving you a few grand’ is just totally alien to me. My friends and I are very open talking about money so as far as I’m aware I don’t know anyone whose parents do this either, apart from maybe one I can think of who’s hinted at her husband and ILs being well off. Certainly wasn’t aware it was common practice but my parents were and still are poor ¯\\(ツ)/¯
PerspicaciousGreen · 09/04/2021 20:33

My parents pay £50/month into my SIPP. They started when I was 18. When I started earning I suggested they stop and I have suggested it twice since then. They want to keep going.

My grandmother sends us regular cheques/cash. A couple of hundred at a time, maybe six random times a year. I know this is her inheritance tax dodge and I have impressed upon her that it is overly generous and not necessary. I used to really worry about her finances until I semi-accidentally found a bank statement in her flat. Now at least I know she's not stinting on herself to keep sending us money! We occasionally buy ourselves a treat but save most of it as that's what she'd really want us to do.

My parents pick up the bill if we go out with them -e.g. to a cafe. Have also paid for us to come on holiday several times. Every so often I make noises about me paying for them and am always told not to be so silly.

If it has no strings attached and they're not struggling themselves I would say make a light effort to rebuff and then take with no further guilt!

Popfan · 09/04/2021 20:34

@RaeRaeMama I don't ask, I certainly don't feel entitled, of course it's their money and I don't have a claim but it gives them great pleasure and it is massively appreciated by me. I also hope to be able to do the same for my DC one day. Wouldnt you want to help your kids out if you could?

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 20:34

@RaeRaeMama

Wow reading these comments about people taking money from parents...

And the comments about how it's their inheritance? Wow

I have always viewed my parents money as theirs, I don't feel I have any claim over it whatsoever. I'm a grown woman (29).

I'm sorry but I think it's pretty appalling some of these comments. It seems wrong to me.

Haven’t most people said it’s IHT planning rather than ‘their inheritance’? Certainly when PIL gave us our deposit that was very much a thought.

DH never thought it was HIS inheritance but his parents referred to minimising IHT.

I can’t see any posts saying among the lines of ‘well it’s my inheritance anyway’

OP posts:
Pupster21 · 09/04/2021 20:36

@RaeRaeMama

Wow reading these comments about people taking money from parents...

And the comments about how it's their inheritance? Wow

I have always viewed my parents money as theirs, I don't feel I have any claim over it whatsoever. I'm a grown woman (29).

I'm sorry but I think it's pretty appalling some of these comments. It seems wrong to me.

My parents, in laws and grandparents all tell us it’s our inheritance to justify them giving us money. Usually something along the lines of “it’ll come to you anyway and we’d rather see you benefit/enjoy it whilst we’re here”. I’ve never staked a claim for any money from anyone, I’ve never asked them for money either but if they want to give us money because they know we need something then so be it. We’ll be doing the same for our children.
ArtemisiaGentle · 09/04/2021 20:37

Two years ago parents gave me £3k towards my new kitchen. Other than that, they deposited some money in NS&I for DD, they paid a bit towards our wedding decades ago and not much else. They send DD a tenner on Christmas and Easter. They used to support my brother and his family quite a bit but I don't think they do anymore. I don't expect an inheritance either before or after they die.