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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do your parents / PIL give you money?

402 replies

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 18:58

I’m not sure what I’m asking really but here goes.

My DH and I are comfortably off, good professional jobs and a nice lifestyle. We’re not loaded but we live in SW London and have been largely unaffected by the pandemic.

I don’t have parents anymore and my upbringing was dysfunctional so I’m not sure how normal parents behave.

DH’s parents keep giving us money - fairly large sums. We never ask for it and don’t ‘need’ it but it’s usually for something as a gift. Eg. We needed a new front door. We were saving for it but they said they’d like to buy it. Then they thought the porch needed doing (it did) so offered to pay for that too.

Now MIL wants to talk to me and I know she’s going to offer to pay for a new patio as I was talking to her about getting it priced up and saving for it.

PIL are very nice, kind and VERY easygoing people. They don’t try to control us or anything. I think they just want to spread their good fortune a bit but it feels odd somehow?

I’m 43 - surely parents stop this stuff if you’re old and solvent as we are?

So YABU - parents like to do this if they can - just enjoy it.

YANBU - it’s unusual and no parents I know fund their solvent adults home improvements so you should stop taking the money

OP posts:
VerityWibbleWobble · 09/04/2021 19:50

Both mine and DH's parents give us large sums every year. We don't need it because we are very comfortable but it's their way of giving us our inheritance up front so we can make good use in our 50s.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/04/2021 19:53

Occasionally. I never ask but sometimes they will help pay for something big, I'm getting my house decorated and they've offered to help pay for a new carpet. It's not a regular thing though.

My grandfather often insists on giving me money, he was a company director and has a very large pension, in his words "what else am I going to do with the money" so he will pay for DS and I to go on a weekend away, or buy me a week's worth of shopping sometimes. Again I never ask but he likes to treat his family.

IHateThinkingUpANewUsername · 09/04/2021 19:54

My dad gives me £40 a month pocket money Grin
It’s a hangover from teenagehood / uni and I’ve told him but he never remembers to cancel it. I should probably save it but it goes out the the same day as my car tax and insurance Blush

Linnet · 09/04/2021 19:55

My in laws have given us sums of money a couple of times in recent years. I think it’s to do with inheritance tax. I’m very grateful for what they have given us and appreciate it.

There was also talk of a trust fund for our children, but FIL spoke to dh about that and I’m not sure if anything was ever actually set up. We certainly got no paperwork or anything, although I’m not sure if we would. It doesn’t seem right to ask them if they did go ahead and do it or not.
But my youngest is looking at going to university and if there was any money it would certainly come in handy to use some of it for that. If we were able to of course, I’m not actually sure how trust funds work.

Leavemealone2 · 09/04/2021 19:55

My parents do for all of us siblings & partners. DH dad can’t afford to and mum gives him money rather than us.

I am like you though, worry if I mention we are buying something or need to pay for something that I want to be able to say it without them feeling they have to pay.

We earn enough to keep ourselves and wouldn’t live beyond our means but are very grateful for the help and kindness.

Robin233 · 09/04/2021 19:55

I was really happy to bung my son. A few hundred as his job has suffered during recent times and ours has boomed.
I was helped out when I was younger and I'm happy to be doing the helping out now.

idontlikealdi · 09/04/2021 19:56

Fil does this - it's tax related! Take it and enjoy it instead of paying tax on it when they're gone.

Scarby9 · 09/04/2021 19:58

I am 59. My brother is 58. Parents are mid 80s and keep offering to buy us large items (eg. a car, or summerhouse) or give us money.
We both earn our oewn money and have paid off our mortgages and don't need or want any money from them. However, it gives them such pleasure now they can't 'give' to us in any other way and we are supporting them so much.
So we do accept as graciously as we can.
There was very little spare money as we grew up eg. We had our driving lessons paid for but no other clubs / hobbies as teenagers, for example. But our parents supported us in every way they could and now they want to do it financially.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 20:02

I hope I can do the same for my boys. Obviously they’ll likely be home with us for a long time but I want them to have the best life they can.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/04/2021 20:02

I would LOVE my parents or pil to do this! Honestly OP I would just enjoy it. They sound lovely and they must like doing it for you.

Popfan · 09/04/2021 20:02

@Chattercino that's exactly what my parents say!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/04/2021 20:03

I do think a lot of my friends get help from parents. Infact I know they do, they let it slip every now and then. Ours don't but I wouldn't sat no if they did.

TedMullins · 09/04/2021 20:04

Wow, I’m really surprised to read this is apparently common practice. My parents are not well off but my mum has helped me out on a couple of occasions when I really needed it - she helped with my first tax bill when I was freelance as it was bigger than expected and she helped pay off the last few hundred of a loan. She would also top me up with small amounts when I was younger and living in expensive places on junior wages. She wouldn’t just offer to buy large things though or give me money for no reason primarily because she couldn’t afford it. I do find it a bit weird tbh but it sounds like they’re doing it from generosity and care so I don’t think there’s much you can do but graciously accept it and never start to expect it

optimistic40 · 09/04/2021 20:04

My parents have started doing this kind of thing (I am a similar age to you) as they are better off now and never did it when I was young. I really appreciate it. I would love to help my children that way when they are older.

Eyevorbig0ne · 09/04/2021 20:06

If they're happy, why not?
I've never experienced this from my divorced parents.
My partner hasn't either.
But his 46 year old sister has 🙄
So long as everyone is happy and fairly treated it's fine and you're lucky.

Rewis · 09/04/2021 20:07

My parents do this. Not large sums, but they want to help out eventhough it is not needed. I always let them know it is not necessary but I accept it. They want to do this especially because we don't ask for anything. I would be against it if they couldn't afford it but they can comfortably afford their lifestyle and has extra from working hard and from inheritance. And we do everything we can to physically help them out.

I say, enjoy it! As long as they are not doing it to control you and they can afford it. Why not! They can't take it with them and want to make life easier for their kids.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 09/04/2021 20:07

Ours do. We don’t need it, and would never ask for it, but they like to.
Like you, my dad also paid for a new front door. He has also just paid for us to have a new en suite. He comes round, decide something needs replacing (to be fair they both did really need replacing) and it becomes his ‘project’.
In laws live abroad and often send us cash. Last week they sent us some money ‘to get the kids an Easter egg’... it was £500 Grin. We’ve put it in the children’s bank accounts.
My mum on the other hand works full time on minimum wage and is still paying a mortgage aged 64 so we help her out and pay for things for her.

cptartapp · 09/04/2021 20:08

God this makes me sad. PIL didn't even contribute towards our wedding although they paid for all SIL wedding and gave her a £10k house deposit and DH nothing

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 20:08

@Eyevorbig0ne

If they're happy, why not? I've never experienced this from my divorced parents. My partner hasn't either. But his 46 year old sister has 🙄 So long as everyone is happy and fairly treated it's fine and you're lucky.
That’s very unfair. DH has a sibling who is always given the same as us. PIL would never treat their sons differently.
OP posts:
ufucoffee · 09/04/2021 20:08

Speaking as a parent, no, I don't give my adult children money. I buy grandchildren clothes and shoes etc but it wouldn't occur to me to give them money. They don't need it anyway. I got nothing from my parents, not a penny when alive or when they died so perhaps it's how you were brought up?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 09/04/2021 20:09

Mine didn't but we help ours out and will do it more probably.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 20:10

@cptartapp

God this makes me sad. PIL didn't even contribute towards our wedding although they paid for all SIL wedding and gave her a £10k house deposit and DH nothing
I think it’s one thing to help one child more in certain circumstances (special needs, redundancy etc) but what you describe is horribly unfair.
OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/04/2021 20:10

I'm really quite shocked by how many adults are helped so much by their parents. We pay for everything ourselves, no one ever offers to buy us anything, but then our parents never had help from their parents either. None of us are well off. Even when our parents die we will basically be left with nothing.

Sparklehead · 09/04/2021 20:10

My parents have given us large sums of money over the years, and do the same for my 3 siblings. Like other posters, we are comfortably-off (not well-off though) and don’t need it for day to day living, but it has meant we’ve been able to buy a bigger house than our salaries would allow and do an extension, for example. They also put aside money every month for each of their grandchildren (7 in total). They are and have always been incredibly generous as well as just lovely people and I feel very lucky to have them.

EnoughnowIthink · 09/04/2021 20:11

My mum did this. Because she could and because she knew it helped me out. So sometimes she would pay for all our theatre tickets if she was coming with us, or a meal out or ice cream for the children through to bigger stuff like help when my boiler was condemned and the ancient kitchen needed work.