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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do your parents / PIL give you money?

402 replies

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 18:58

I’m not sure what I’m asking really but here goes.

My DH and I are comfortably off, good professional jobs and a nice lifestyle. We’re not loaded but we live in SW London and have been largely unaffected by the pandemic.

I don’t have parents anymore and my upbringing was dysfunctional so I’m not sure how normal parents behave.

DH’s parents keep giving us money - fairly large sums. We never ask for it and don’t ‘need’ it but it’s usually for something as a gift. Eg. We needed a new front door. We were saving for it but they said they’d like to buy it. Then they thought the porch needed doing (it did) so offered to pay for that too.

Now MIL wants to talk to me and I know she’s going to offer to pay for a new patio as I was talking to her about getting it priced up and saving for it.

PIL are very nice, kind and VERY easygoing people. They don’t try to control us or anything. I think they just want to spread their good fortune a bit but it feels odd somehow?

I’m 43 - surely parents stop this stuff if you’re old and solvent as we are?

So YABU - parents like to do this if they can - just enjoy it.

YANBU - it’s unusual and no parents I know fund their solvent adults home improvements so you should stop taking the money

OP posts:
Pugdoglife · 09/04/2021 19:25

You are lucky and should enjoy it OP, we get nothing from our parents but will definitely try to help out our children in the future if we are in a position to do so. Also like others have suggested it might save on inheritance tax or care fees in the future.

lanbro · 09/04/2021 19:25

My mum is very generous, and keeps my sister and I equal which I wouldn't be bothered about anyway. But she's generous with everything, she is an amazing mum and I hope I'm following in her footsteps

LindaEllen · 09/04/2021 19:26

My mum regularly treats me to things like a new carpet or some garden furniture, pays for my car repairs sometimes etc - I never ask. My dad never gives me any money or anything, nor do DP's parents, but that's fine as I don't expect it. I always tell my mum off for buying us things even though I'm hugely grateful.

Christmasfairy2020 · 09/04/2021 19:26

Do you have children? Can they pay their school fees?

MsAnnFrope · 09/04/2021 19:28

PIL do this for DH and his siblings. Partly to see them enjoy the money while they are still here, partly inheritance planning.

We would never ask, and the money isn’t needed but we would really hurt them if we refused it.

If my mum had the disposable cash she would also do it. I keep jokingly encouraging her to spend my inheritance (I’m an only child) as I can’t imagine enjoying money that only came to me because my mum was gone.

rookiemere · 09/04/2021 19:29

My DPs give me envelopes of money every time we visit- this is a fairly recent thing, although they've always given us some money and very kindly pay DSs school fees.
I'm an only DC and I certainly don't ask for it from them, but they are very comfortably off and have enough savings for any eventuality.

notanothertakeaway · 09/04/2021 19:33

My MIL has given us money from time to time and we're very grateful. I think occasional payments as random gifts suits me better than "here is £500 for X", which would make me feel as if she thought we needed the money

TopTabby · 09/04/2021 19:33

My generous inlaws have paid for several home improvements over the years & will often give us a sum of money as a gift.
My own parents wouldn't dream of doing anything like that & believe very much we should do everything ourselves.
It just depends on the parents! The in-laws always insist they want to do it so we graciously accept & try to treat them when they'll let us.

emmathedilemma · 09/04/2021 19:34

Yes and I always feel awkward about it! They see it as “you might as well have it now as pay inheritance tax on it” and as soon as mention doing something big to the house they offer me money towards. They’ll also give me sums at birthday / Christmas to balance up that spend on my brother’s kids as I don’t have any.....it would never even occur to me to think about what they spend on them or that I should get similar!! I guess we’re lucky and shouldn’t complain!

Kitfish · 09/04/2021 19:34

I got no help from my parents after the age of 21 (leaving university) and they did equity release on their house no there was no inheritance either. Your parents sound lovely - enjoy it and appreciate them.

Rainbowandscarlett · 09/04/2021 19:34

My parents wouldn’t give me a penny-they are very tight with their money in general and see it as we’ve grown up and they’ve done their bit for us

My in laws have given us 15k over 5 years,and bought us a house (116,500) that we pay a daft small amount in rent on
We’ve just lost my fil so we won’t be getting anything else until mil goes
That’s fine-we’ve never expected it in the first place
If anything fil left us money from a pension and we’ve told mil to keep it
She does offer to pay us petrol money and small-ish amounts to ‘tide us through’ but we always refuse (she seems to think we live on 50p a week and she worries about us)
I’m very lucky to have her

user1487194234 · 09/04/2021 19:34

My parents don’t,well supported me through Uni,paid for our wedding and gave me 5k for first house deposit
But not now I am in my 40s
In-laws give us about 10k a year and are giving the DC support at Uni
We never expect,and they never try and control us

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 09/04/2021 19:36

Christ, I would love this. My parents would absolutely lend me money if I needed (and I currently do) but I can’t bring myself to ask them. Covid has ripped me to financial shreds and they’ve got plenty of money (investments, final salary pensions etc).

I don’t expect and as said, can’t bring myself to ask but god, it’s be lovely if they even offered to pay my not insignificant petrol to see them at the mo.

Popfan · 09/04/2021 19:41

Yes my parents give my brother and I largish sums fairly regularly, they are lovely and it gives them pleasure. We really appreciate it.

Cocolapew · 09/04/2021 19:43

My mum gives me £1000 every few months, my brother gets it too.
It's to keep her savings under the threshold for care home fees or something.
She'd rather us have it now when we might need it rather than when she's dead.

Aprilshowersandhail · 09/04/2021 19:44

Even when my df had a life changing win I got nothing.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 19:44

@Christmasfairy2020

Do you have children? Can they pay their school fees?
We have two children but private education isn’t for them - they are both Autistic and we have good provision for them locally.
OP posts:
Iwouldbecomplex · 09/04/2021 19:44

My parents don't - I might get treated to the odd lunch or something but that's all, which is fine by me. I come from quite a poor background and they don't have a lot of money.

DH's parents are a different matter though. They are wealthy. We live in a house owned by my MIL rent free. We could never afford to live here otherwise. DH lived here before we met. We pay for all interior work / decoration etc but she pays for all exterior such as a new roof we recently had, and a gardener. They also give us very generous Christmas and birthday gifts. And his mum will do things like send us a couple of hundred quid when we're on holiday to have a night out on her, or offer to upgrade seats on flights (I always refuse) mine and DH would feel guilty not sitting next to me Grin I've said it's excessive but am just sort of waved off in an indulgent way , so I shut up about it after a while and learnt to say thanks. They aren't at all controlling or over involved and genuinely seem to want to just make our lives easier and get pleasure from gifting. They're the same with their other kids too. It's lovely of them I just don't want them to think I'm taking advantage because I'd be just as happy without. I get a sense of guilt about it and also worry about what will happen if DH and I ever split - I have no rights to the house.

We have no kids and both work and are comfortable, but would have to move from this area if we had to pay market rent. I'm very careful with money DH not so much. He has grown up believing there's always a financial safety net, which for him there is!

I'm embarrassed about what his parents give us and would never tell my friends the extent.

Operasinger · 09/04/2021 19:45

Your ILs obviously take great pleasure from gifting you money. Take it and be happy.

MissConductUS · 09/04/2021 19:46

My lovely MIL has given lots of money for the kids' uni tuition and fees I'm an American and the costs are crazy here. It's helpful to her for estate planning purposes and she genuinely loves her grandchildren and wants to help, so it's a win-win. Between what we've saved and her contributions they'll finish debt-free, which is rather unusual in the US.

Chattercino · 09/04/2021 19:47

How lovely for you OP. My parents are similar- my Dad always says that he'd rather give with a warm hand than a cold one.

LongIslandIcedT · 09/04/2021 19:47

My parents don't but the ILs have started to give us a few thousand every year. I feel incredibly uncomfortable with it despite it not having any strings. They are so frugal, I'd rather them enjoy their money, we can save up for what we need.

FreeFallingFree · 09/04/2021 19:49

My mum makes annual gifts to my sibling and me. She's in her mid 80s and financially quite savvy. Her reasons are two fold: first, she says the money is left to us in her will anyway, so she'd like to see us enjoy some of it while she is still alive, second that it will reduce the inheritance tax bill. Gifts of, I think, 3k and under are exempt from the 7 year rule and not subject to retrospective 40% inheritance tax. This is an issue, not because she's super loaded but because of house prices rising so fast over the last 50 years. On an estate of over £325k, 40% inhertance tax is due. The house only cost £3k when my parents bought in the 60s, but it's now worth enough to put the estate over the threshold. So the annual financial gifts are one way to bring the value of the estate down and avoid some of the tax burden.

Like you, my sibling and I are solvent and don't need the cash. I have always said I would rather my mum spend the money on herself now, but she is not short of income (final pension salary scheme) and so if it is a case of her keeping it and then it being taxed or receiving it now I can see the logic of the gifts.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 09/04/2021 19:49

My Mum gives us a generous amount for Christmas and birthdays (£250 family Christmas money, £75 for adult birthdays, £30 for child birthday). And she has saved £50 to £100 pm for the children since they were born.

PIL don't but they don't have any spare money, we're more likely to give them cash gifts when times are hard.

Butterfly44 · 09/04/2021 19:50

If they don't give it to you now their hard earned money will go to the taxman. Best to enjoy and have now while you can