Do your parents / PIL give you money?

[Merryoldgoat]

I’m not sure what I’m asking really but here goes.

My DH and I are comfortably off, good professional jobs and a nice lifestyle. We’re not loaded but we live in SW London and have been largely unaffected by the pandemic.

I don’t have parents anymore and my upbringing was dysfunctional so I’m not sure how normal parents behave.

DH’s parents keep giving us money - fairly large sums. We never ask for it and don’t ‘need’ it but it’s usually for something as a gift. Eg. We needed a new front door. We were saving for it but they said they’d like to buy it. Then they thought the porch needed doing (it did) so offered to pay for that too.

Now MIL wants to talk to me and I know she’s going to offer to pay for a new patio as I was talking to her about getting it priced up and saving for it.

PIL are very nice, kind and VERY easygoing people. They don’t try to control us or anything. I think they just want to spread their good fortune a bit but it feels odd somehow?

I’m 43 - surely parents stop this stuff if you’re old and solvent as we are?

So YABU - parents like to do this if they can - just enjoy it.

YANBU - it’s unusual and no parents I know fund their solvent adults home improvements so you should stop taking the money

People who get on the well with their parents and don't feel comfortable taking money offered whilst Alive.. How will you feel when they are dead a d leave you money?

Will you say you don't feel comfortable taking it and they can leave it to someone who will?

What greater pleasure than to help living children and grandchildren if you can.. What's the aim here! We will all be dust soon.. Life is so short.. Why can't people just enjoy good things? Awful tragedy May befall you soon.. Sudden death, dreadful illness.. Why not enjoy graciously these kind gifts?

Caveat.. No control, toxic stuff behind it...

Op you don't sound incredibly solvent if you had to wait and save for a front door.
Ours needs doing.. But so does a new kitchen, new windows.. New loo.. Kids tutors.. Extras.. It's not something I want to spend 1000 on right now I'd love it if kind in laws offrered to pay.

Ironically my inalws are wealthy but they are controlling, toxic.. Unpleasant...

My parents have given me a few lump sums over the years, and have been putting money away for my children since they were little - they should both have enough to help through university.

Dad also always tries to pay for any meals or coffees etc if he can, although I do try and intercept the card machine if I can

I know if we needed it they'd help us with day to day living, but we don't need it. So instead they wait until they know we're about to pay for something big and contribute towards it. As they say, they can't take it with them and they'd rather see us enjoying it now

@RaeRaeMama I don’t think of my
Mums money as my inheritance. She calls it that and offers me money. She remembers her and my dad having no money and would hate to think of me being in that position. But I’m not. We were lucky in our careers and are doing ok.
I’ve inherited money from my dad dying in my early 20s. It was shit but you sit there and judge away cos you are a “grown woman”...

It must be wonderful to be helped.by parents.
My dm spends it all on herself .
My dd is really really struggling financially at the moment and we are on limited income but batch cook her meals, give her petrol money etc.
Dm kmows this yet lives a lavish lifestlye herself. I could not see my gd living so frugally at not even offer to send £ 10 for a treat , when having money and living a more than comfortsble.lifestyle .it hurts.

Mine don't give me money but they keep buying food - sometimes home-cooked food parcels, sometimes 'bargains' they've found in the shops. They can't really afford it (they're on Pension Credit) but it's their way of continuing to provide for me/show they care (even though I'm over 40 and have to plan the weekly shop carefully to avoid having to do extra supermarket trips). We are very well off and definitely don't need their help, but we accept graciously because frankly it's a bit of a hobby for my mum. We treat them to things like meals out and holidays because we can afford it.

Personally, as a parent, I can understand it. I certainly want to help my DC in the future and when I organise my finances, one eye is always on keeping something in the future for them. We're have enough assets that we'd be affected by inheritance tax in future, so giving gifts away while we're young and alive makes far more sense than hoarding it then losing it in tax.

Op you don't sound incredibly solvent if you had to wait and save for a front door.

Not many people have a spare £1800 hanging around do they when there are other more pressing things?

I can pay my mortgage, childcare costs, bills etc and have a large amount of equity in my house. I might not have loads of ‘cash’ but I can’t see how saying £500 for 4 months for a door makes me not solvent.

Rae..it doesn't have to be either or surely? It's hard to fake love?

I would always give dc money and hopefully be able to pay for odd things.. Eg meals out when older, treats.. Money at Xmas etc and I'd like to think t
I'd know they did or didn't spend time with me due to money 🤣. Dh and I would be considerably better off if we cosied up to in laws but can't stand to be around them at all.

Ours do. PIL have a plan which involves putting maximum allowances into trusts for the dc on a regular basis. Totally their decision. Mine do sporadically too, I was just saying that I would have to wait until next year to buy a greenhouse after getting fencing done and the next thing I knew I got a message to tell me to check my bank account. I keep telling them to spend it, I don't give a fig about inheritance and would much rather they travelled the world and had some fun. But they enjoy doing it, I don't think you ever stop wanting to help your children.

Merry

I know plenty of people who like myself can't suddenly afford a new door... But I also know plenty who could.
I'd say you and I are in the category of graciously accepting this new door... Because we don't have the money to buy a new door out right and yes many people do have savings...

RaeRaeMama opposite for us .. your mums helps.as she knows what its like to be short on money . Mine never been short of money .. new cars paid in cash .. fab hoildays.. yet does not offer to help even £ 10 her struggling gd . Feels so self self to me .

@78percentLindt

Can I ask why?

I mean with estates under a million that teeter on the thresholds I can see why reducing it may work but would it work for much larger estates?

My parents are reasonably well off but no, they don't give me money. I haven't had anything from them since I started my first 'proper job'.

I would feel very weird if they offered me anything at all. I like being self-sufficient and I'd only ask them for anything if I were really desperate.

I’m very lucky and will own that. DH and I are late 50s and very comfortable financially. We have yet to inherit but probably will inherit a decent amount from his DF.

When we were starting out was when we needed help, not now. Luckily we did get some small but significant sums to help us then. Now that our DC are at the point of owning property and maybe starting families we really want to help now, not in around 30 years.

It’s not easy. Do we have any say in their choices? Do we treat them equally despite their different circumstances? There are so many variables.

We will be generous but I’m not certain we won’t still face recriminations.

Better giving whilst alive than when dead. No pleasure in that for the donor!

[quote Popfan]@RaeRaeMama I don't ask, I certainly don't feel entitled, of course it's their money and I don't have a claim but it gives them great pleasure and it is massively appreciated by me. I also hope to be able to do the same for my DC one day. Wouldnt you want to help your kids out if you could?[/quote]
But I don't need help?

I have bought my own home, my own car. If I was in a financially difficult situation and couldn't get myself out of it myself (which seems unlikely, there's are usually ways and means) maybe I would accept as a loan but no. It just seems completely wrong to me just taking large sums of money for no reason, grown men and women.

I've seen a few people say they feel guilty about it... there's probably a reason for that.

Like the OP said she wants to be able to talk about house improvements without them thinking she wants money. Well I can talk freely like that with my parents because they do actually know I'm not hinting. Her PIL actually won't know for sure whether or not she's hinting and suddenly their relationship is about money.

As for what I would want for my children, I can't answer that because I just can't imagine but I don't think a daughter of mine would expect me to give her money that she doesn't even need.

Apexsky

That's really sweet.

I had a two way situation with df.. When I was flush I'd treat him and vice versa.. If he came for Xmas he would be shoving money in my hand but also paying for a large shop etc.
We were struggling a lot when dd little.. Credit crunch etc but we had lovely xmaasess..

My lovely Daddy sent me a cheque for GBP300 for my 50th birthday (I had actually asked for a Mercedes SL500 - you can imagine the reaction). At the time I was working in Europe and not near to my bank, so I never cashed it. I did tell him and he did tell me that he had noticed it.

Fairly often. They are well off. Not really rich, but very comfortable (no mortgage, good pensions, also my mum has always been good with money and has always been a saver)

I never ask for it. I'd rather poke my eyes out with a spoon than ask for money for anything. Christmas me and DH got a few hundred pound each which we put together and bought a new TV. Last weekend we visited (in the garden obvs) and got some money to get something for the house. We were saving to decorate anyway but now rather than just buying the painting stuff and a cheap carpet we are getting some new furniture (sideboard and bookshelves) too.

My only sibling died years ago (she was born with disabilities) so there is only me to pass it on to. Again it is partly to avoid too much inheritance tax, but partly because I think they genuinely enjoy giving us the money.

We don't struggle day to day and often do spend on more than just the basics, but we'd be stuck if something major happened. The extra just helps us from time to time. It never gets wasted and we only use it to buy something nice.

@RaeRaeMama gosh aren’t you a superior being.
People haven’t said they expect money or need help. The OP asked if this was common practice. It certainly appears that it isn’t unusual for parents to do this.

As for what I would want for my children, I can't answer that because I just can't imagine but I don't think a daughter of mine would expect me to give her money that she doesn't even need

But no one here is saying they ‘expect’ it. I certainly don’t. And if weren’t given another penny again that would be absolutely fine.
We don’t need any help. We are completely financially solvent. They do it because they want to. It gives them pleasure.

I've heard of this but dh's dad has never indulged us at all even though he's pretty well off. My mum would if she had the money but she only gets the State pension and has limited savings...but if she won the lottery we'd definitely know about it as she's a generous person in nature.

If dh's dad decided to gift us money damn right we'd take it 😂

@RaeRaeMama as I said I don't expect it. Did you not read that? I don't need it either in that we have our own home / car etc and work hard in full time jobs but my parents want to give us money, enjoy doing so and it doesnt affect them.
Accepting money from people who love you and won't be worse off by doing so is nothing to be embarrassed about. I cant think of anything nicer than treating your children, yes even grown men and women and I'll be doing the same for my son.

I’m in my 40s and my folks still do this! Sometimes I wish they were just a bit more affectionate rather than give cash, but it’s their way of showing their love. I used to be irritated but I just think it’s just kind now. And if it makes them happy then i’m not going to be ungrateful!

My mum does this for us. Sometimes she'll just slip us £30 for a takeaway and other times it's larger sums. I hope to do the same for DS when he grows up. I think it's nice. Why not help your kids out if you can afford it?

My dad also puts £50 a month into my three children’s savings accounts.