Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do your parents / PIL give you money?

402 replies

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 18:58

I’m not sure what I’m asking really but here goes.

My DH and I are comfortably off, good professional jobs and a nice lifestyle. We’re not loaded but we live in SW London and have been largely unaffected by the pandemic.

I don’t have parents anymore and my upbringing was dysfunctional so I’m not sure how normal parents behave.

DH’s parents keep giving us money - fairly large sums. We never ask for it and don’t ‘need’ it but it’s usually for something as a gift. Eg. We needed a new front door. We were saving for it but they said they’d like to buy it. Then they thought the porch needed doing (it did) so offered to pay for that too.

Now MIL wants to talk to me and I know she’s going to offer to pay for a new patio as I was talking to her about getting it priced up and saving for it.

PIL are very nice, kind and VERY easygoing people. They don’t try to control us or anything. I think they just want to spread their good fortune a bit but it feels odd somehow?

I’m 43 - surely parents stop this stuff if you’re old and solvent as we are?

So YABU - parents like to do this if they can - just enjoy it.

YANBU - it’s unusual and no parents I know fund their solvent adults home improvements so you should stop taking the money

OP posts:
FredAstairesShoeLaces · 09/04/2021 19:12

I’ve learned to never tell my parents what I have my eye on, because they had a habit of buying it for me or giving me the money as a gift.

It’s very lovely of them, but I don’t feel comfortable doing it. They’re wealthy and very generous, but I’m so much better off than they were at my age and don’t need to be subsidised.

They’re lovely parents, but though, and do it for the right reasons. They genuinely enjoy improving the lives of their children.

BuggeringBugger · 09/04/2021 19:12

I wish 😅

billy1966 · 09/04/2021 19:13

I think as they are such nice people it is a combination of the enjoyment of giving and inheritance planning.

How lovely to have such great in laws that just want to make your lives more comfortable and are able to.

I would hope to be similar.

moochingtothepub · 09/04/2021 19:14

Er no. The only thing my parents bought me was a cooker for my first flat at 22.

moochingtothepub · 09/04/2021 19:14

Mum does give money to my kids sometimes, they are at university

Rumplestrumpet · 09/04/2021 19:14

My parents try to do this with us, but they can't afford to give much, plus we're doing very well financially so don't need it. But they pay for a family holiday each year, and like to buy things foe the kids.

I'm pretty sure they give my sister quite a bit if help as she's a low earning key worker with 3 kids. I worry sometimes she expects it, which is a bit irritating, but it's their money to do with as they please and we all get on well.

I think it's important to instil a good sense of the importance of hard work and financial responsibility in our kids. As long as I do that with my own children, and they don't take things for granted, I'd be very happy to be very generous with them in adulthood

seriousandloyal · 09/04/2021 19:15

If they are nice I would gratefully accept. I would love to be able to treat my children like that, nothing would give me more pleasure.

Rollmopsrule · 09/04/2021 19:15

In exactly the same boat as you Op. It was so strange to meet my Dh and have money thrust at as from all sides from his parents. We do ok and to be honest it annoyed me. I tried to fight it which would result in ridiculous ongoing sagas of passing money back and fourth. They would just move it into out account. 25yrs on I have given up! It gives them happiness to treat their children and I hope to be able to do the same with my Dc but maybe with a bit less vigor Grin

Hothammock · 09/04/2021 19:15

My parents never give us anything, not even a gift for our wedding anniversary etc. They prefer to hoard money. They treat all their children the same way.
My in laws have randomly given my husband cash over the years but its not linked to items or gifts it's usually for reasons like... we bought a house or a car for your sister and felt guilty we hadn't given you anything so here is £1000 for you.

Pupster21 · 09/04/2021 19:15

My parents are very similar. Sometimes it feels a bit awkward, I’ll mention we need a new door then they offer us the money. Our car needed replacing suddenly a few months ago and my parents gave us £1000 and in laws did the same. We didn’t ask any of them and could have borrowed to finance short term. They also pay for us weekends away and meals out etc. We’re quite comfortable and have a nice life but are bad at saving so don’t have enough for when the car suddenly needs replacing but can save up for other things easily.

I just think we’re lucky and I know they do the same for my sister so it’s equal. They just say they like to help us whilst we can and my Dads parents were the same with them so they know how helpful it can be. We never take advantage though I don’t think. 2 years ago we took them on a weekend away for example.

mrstea301 · 09/04/2021 19:15

Families are all just different really aren't they? My family don't really hand money out, but if we needed help and asked, they've definitely help us out and have done so in the past. My MIL is extremely generous and really thoughtful, and will do things like organise a bottle of champagne to be waiting for us if we're away for a hotel stay or something (that we have paid for). We sometimes have to be careful what we speak about as if you mention liking something she tends to buy it as a wee treat, which is lovely, but definitely wouldn't want her to think we were taking advantage of that at all!! As long as they can afford it, and you're not taking advantage of them then I think it's fine. Would maybe just start treating them to things, like a meal out when restrictions are lifted etc

cptartapp · 09/04/2021 19:16

My parents are dead.
PIL are very well off. They live frugally and give us nothing. DS1 got a cheque for £30 for his 18th birthday. I got £20.
They've plenty to pay for care though when the time comes. We're beholden to no one.

indecisivewoman81 · 09/04/2021 19:17

We aren't well off by any stretch of the imagination but we don't struggle financially.

My in laws often give us and the children small amounts of money for things like "treats" or to help us out when we needed to buy a new freezer etc.

They are always very keen to do it and tbh it helps us out loads

Fundays12 · 09/04/2021 19:19

It's possible that they know if they give it away now it means less inheritance tax for you. I think my MIL would give more away if her husband agreed.

TheFlis12345 · 09/04/2021 19:19

Yup my parents do. They have great pensions and decent savings but very few expenses in life, mortgage was paid off many years ago and neither have extravagant tastes in anything. What makes them happy is helping their children. They are staunchly fair and keep a mental tally so that my siblings and I are treated equally overall but might give us different amounts at different times, from when a few hundred used to just appear in my account if they thought I sounded down on the phone and was having a bad week, to thousands when buying a house.

Ellpellwood · 09/04/2021 19:20

My parents gave us 6k for a deposit in our early 20s. PiLs gave us our current car, worth about £6k at the time, and FiL renovated our garden free (we paid for the materials). They buy DS things all the time. I think it's fairly normal.

Dentistlakes · 09/04/2021 19:20

My parents don’t but my PIL do. They do it partly because of inheritance tax and they want to see it used when they are still alive. It’s neve pr money for nothing, but if we are needing to do something to the house for example, so recently we needed to replace the boiler. They are equally generous with their time and often take the grandchildren during school, holidays. My parents don’t have the same level of disposable income (although they are affluent in general terms) but they also have a very different attitude. Once you’re grown and earning that’s it, you’re out! It would have to be a serious situation e.g redundancy and possibility of losing the house, for my parents to give us money and we would have to ask for it, they would never offer.

LemonRoses · 09/04/2021 19:20

We had no help but we do help the children.

breadbinbaby · 09/04/2021 19:22

Mine gave me and my two siblings each a very substantial amount towards a house deposit, and they look after my child three days a week. They also insist on paying for anything that gets bought in their presence, like meals and takeaways etc, and buy us all far too much at Christmas. I am so grateful for their generosity and can’t wait to do the same for my own children.

RandomUsernameHere · 09/04/2021 19:23

This is completely normal for well off/comfortably off parents and grandparents. It sounds like you have a good relationship with them and they have enough for themselves, so just be grateful for it and enjoy it. My DParents have just given my DC a sizeable amount of money for their birthdays (not to be spent immediately, it's been put in premium bonds). They've done it because they want to and because they can comfortably afford it. Especially at the moment as they've not been spending much on their usual hobbies due to lockdown.

flippertygibbit · 09/04/2021 19:24

DGM care home costs for over £250k on care home costs (5 years). Worth every penny knowing she was safe. Usual story though - person sitting next to her paid £0. DGM would have been horrified to know the pot was nearly empty when she died and her only child was left with nothing.

Take it and enjoy it whilst they're able to see you enjoying it.

I inherited quite a bit from my DF and I'm happily doing as your PIL are doing.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 19:24

I suppose it might be IHT planning. They gave us our deposit 12 years ago which I know was and it has been life changing.

They have plenty and can afford excellent care but my DH and I would happily have them with us if necessary but they’re very independent and fitter than we are! They are truly some of the best people I’ve ever met.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 09/04/2021 19:24

My pil and mum do this; we’ve got a young family and a big mortgage, totally our choice but means that things feel tight at times and they like to help us. My mum prefers to see and hear about what we’ve spent money on that she’s given us rather than us inherit a lot and her never get to see us enjoy it

dottiedaisee · 09/04/2021 19:25

My darling Mum took great delight in offering to pay for treats etc ..just accept any help and show your appreciation! I still remember her always saying, just say thank you and don’t argue with me 💕It’s a lovely position for her to be in so just indulge her .
I as a Mum also take great pleasure in helping my adult children at times .

Hallyup5 · 09/04/2021 19:25

My parents, yes. They give us about a grand at Christmas, have helped out with my daughter's medical treatment costs, have given us thousands for a house deposit on more than one occasion, bought me a car. We've never asked for it but accept it as something they want to do and it obviously benefits us.

My parents in law, nothing. Twenty quid for each child at Christmas but that's it, nothing for us. They don't ever ask to see their grandchildren either. Have never met our 2 and 3 year old and have met our 10 year old once, when we got married. Their loss.

I'd just enjoy what you're offered and be grateful.