Do your parents / PIL give you money?

[Merryoldgoat]

I’m not sure what I’m asking really but here goes.

My DH and I are comfortably off, good professional jobs and a nice lifestyle. We’re not loaded but we live in SW London and have been largely unaffected by the pandemic.

I don’t have parents anymore and my upbringing was dysfunctional so I’m not sure how normal parents behave.

DH’s parents keep giving us money - fairly large sums. We never ask for it and don’t ‘need’ it but it’s usually for something as a gift. Eg. We needed a new front door. We were saving for it but they said they’d like to buy it. Then they thought the porch needed doing (it did) so offered to pay for that too.

Now MIL wants to talk to me and I know she’s going to offer to pay for a new patio as I was talking to her about getting it priced up and saving for it.

PIL are very nice, kind and VERY easygoing people. They don’t try to control us or anything. I think they just want to spread their good fortune a bit but it feels odd somehow?

I’m 43 - surely parents stop this stuff if you’re old and solvent as we are?

So YABU - parents like to do this if they can - just enjoy it.

YANBU - it’s unusual and no parents I know fund their solvent adults home improvements so you should stop taking the money

This thread is a real eye opener. I’m glad the majority of parents aren’t actually like my Mum and that my subsequent plans to help out my adult children if I have the means aren’t that unusual.

Nothing from my parents or his. I cannot even imagine them buying things like schools shoes, it would just never happen. They did pay for both DH’s sisters weddings and provide a lot of childcare for one of them though.

Had lots of money gifts from childless aunt and uncle over the years. It was a great help at times. But even better they taught me how to invest money.
I feel like it's my turn to start with my grown up dc now. Just about to open account for our gc. Had booked a holiday for us all at CP. I will probably redo that when it's open without restrictions.

We got one sensible present usually monies towards- washing machine,, car etc and then the other present was always monies to be spent on our selves - not the house etc - so usually a holiday.

They had the money and wanted to contribute - enjoy it OP - it mkes them feel good, you feel good - a win win situation from sensible parents

Ah, someone mentioned childcare. We get money from my parents and grandmother, but never ever will we get a hand with anything without the most unbelievable fuss being made. We have had help with childcare exactly three times: two weddings we went to, and me in labour with DC2. I'm pregnant now and am trying to figure out if there's anyone we could ask instead of my parents as it's obviously such a burden for them.

Honestly, it does rankle. They live an hour away and keep pouting that they want to see the DC but won't even have them downstairs while I get some stuff done upstairs without having a grump about it. They expect to be treated like Capital G Guests - so I do. But that means they get invited over as often as other Guests because it's so much hard work.

My friend's parents have his 3yo overnight at the parents house every single week! Bloody luxury!

Naturally, no-one wants their DC to struggle financially but I worry sometimes that we make it too easy for our DC if they don’t work for it themselves. They won’t have the drive/resilience if everything comes too easily. Yes, there is luck involved but hard graft goes an awful long way and I fear that we cushion our DC maybe too much - and I include myself in this.

We haven’t had lumps of money from either side (both middle class affluent) but we also clearly don’t need it. DH & I have survived the last 30yrs together (economic ups & downs) well enough. We’re 49 & 51 - I don’t know many of our peers getting significant sums unless their parent had died unfortunately. £50/£100 in lieu of a birthday/Christmas present is probably not what this thread is about.

My in laws and my parents do this.
They gave us money towards the property we bought a few years ago, and for furniture we were saving for.
They have worked hard for their money and are comfortable in their retirement. They now seem to want to share the spoils of their working years.
I would take the money for specific things. It’s nice that they want to help.

Also, Again maybe because of my background but I don’t understand this obsession of so many wealthy families hell bent on avoiding paying inheritance tax and finding loop holes such as ‘gifting’ large amounts to their kids who are already comfortable. Any other kind of tax avoidance is rightfully shamed on MN. IHT is a way of distributing wealth amongst wider society and if you’re fortunate enough to have an estate valuable enough to pay IHT why would you have an issue paying?

I don’t know Eleven Bells. If one parent dies, the widowed parent could remarry, die and everything automatically goes to the new spouse, no tax there. In a lot of areas the IHT thread hold is less than the average house, so kids could end up inheriting the house they grew up in and have to sell it to pay the tax bill. I’m all for tax but in those two scenarios I can see which is less fair.

But it’s not ‘their’ house. They may have grown up in it but it doesn’t belong to them anymore than my dm’s council flat belongs to me just because I spent my first 16 years there. So they may inherit a house, sell to pay the tax bill and still have thousands left over that they didn’t earn but have due to the happy accident of who their parents are. Still seems like a win to me.

@ElevenBells

Also, Again maybe because of my background but I don’t understand this obsession of so many wealthy families hell bent on avoiding paying inheritance tax and finding loop holes such as ‘gifting’ large amounts to their kids who are already comfortable. Any other kind of tax avoidance is rightfully shamed on MN. IHT is a way of distributing wealth amongst wider society and if you’re fortunate enough to have an estate valuable enough to pay IHT why would you have an issue paying?

It is nuts. My parents are quite left wing but for some reason they have this huge blind spot about IHT. I am perfectly fine with the gubmint taking some of my unearned inheritance to make the massive pile of gratuitous cash somewhat smaller. I think it becomes an obsessive thing as people age, and I wonder if I'll be the same in forty years - like how people tend to become more right wing as they age.

I don’t think my dad does it to avoid IHT, he does it because he says he’d rather see us enjoy the money now than have it when he’s dead.

I don't feel that I ever really went without growing up on my council 😁estate. Honestly I was not deprived, we had more than others but not as much as some. My mom would probably tell a different story & say that we didn't have much, we did, there was always a fire going, a cooked meal, & my parents were always there, OK put the violins down. When mom retired she had more money than she knew what to do with & began by giving food parcels, then sneaking the odd £10 or £20 in to my coat pocket or bag. I never used to want it, but she'd say that she wanted to treat me as I was the only one who ever did anything for her. Then it was £1000 at a time, she'd insist that we needed new this or that, we didn't. Part of me felt really bad taking it, but she'd get upset if I didn't & say that the money was no good to her now as she could've done with it when we were growing up. I just think because she'd never had anything, she didn't want anything & money meant nothing to her. Worra woman my mom was 🌹

I give money equally to my two adult children because I can afford to and I like to help them. My DH died 13 years ago and left me more money than I even knew he had. I have ensured that I have sufficient for myself and due to having no mortgage or rent and very low living costs I have money left over each month before my wages are paid.I could add it to my savings but prefer to pay for things for my DS and DD. For example they both had funds for house deposits. My DS needed a book case and I paid for the one he chose.The following month my DD needed money to pay for some work on her roof. She asked to borrow from me and I agreed. I enjoy helping them out instead of them getting into debt. They both are aware that this is only because I can afford it. My health is poor and both know that if I have to retire early I won't be able to continue to help them in the same way.

@ElevenBells it’s because it’s a second tax on previously taxes income. It’s 40% on top of the 40% already paid on it.
Good for OP’s parents enjoying giving it away; I wish my mum had spent her money or given it away and enjoyed doing that rather than hoarding it and handing 000,000’s to the government when she died. She didn’t get to enjoy it

My grandad gives us €500 each Christmas, which I always found nice but a bit odd given that we're all adult and independant.

Had no help at all from my family when it came to build a deposit for a property. I didn't even know that it was a thing, but asking around me, seems like everyone had help.

I think a lot of people get pissed off with the IHT situation for a couple of reasons .. one as someone has mentioned it’s taxing already taxed money. Secondly when the limit was set, the amount of people who had enough assets to pay it was tiny, prob 5% of the nation max. However now, particularly in the south east a lot of people’s homes are worth more than £325K. I know this limit has been increased but if it had risen at the same rate as house prices then the IHT would be set at nearer £1.5 million.

This is really normal where I live in SW London, everyone seems to get 6 figure gifts to help them on the ladder, move up the ladder, renovate, pay school fees etc. We don't have that luxury but have had lots of free childcare.

Mine do and always have. Dad was a high earner and their generosity enabled me and my siblings to get an education and own our own homes, amongst myriad other things.
My OH thought this was odd at first and had trouble accepting it but has got used to it.

My parents are taking us on holiday after our wedding and will often buy little things for DD or pay for meals when we’re out.

My Granny, bless her, will occasionally put £50 in my bank account and ring me up with very strict instructions that I have to spend it on myself for something fun

Are they doing it for tax reasons? To decrease the size of their estate while they can?

@jgjgjgjgjg

Are they doing it for tax reasons? To decrease the size of their estate while they can?

Yes!

I intend to do the same. As long as I have sufficient funds to employ carers to look after me at home should I need it (and I hope I don't), I'll be content.

DH's mum used to give us large-ish sums when she was alive.
My parents buy so so so much for the DC and pay for a lot of after school clubs & activities when they're running. They will occasionally make a gift to DH & I (mostly house stuff -- a new patio awning, furniture purchase, things like that.) That's all quite separate from Christmas & birthdays.

So I would say yes, enjoy it. They like helping, let them help.

Our PIL are extremely generous and have given us some large gifts (wedding money, house deposit funds, etc) over the past decade. In their case, the money comes from MIL’s own inheritance. PIL have been clear that they would prefer to give money for large ticket items now because 1) they get to see us enjoy the money now as opposed to when they are gone, 2) they want to give at a time when the help is most needed, and 3) giving regular gifts earlier on is a good way to avoid a large inheritance tax bill.

It is a lot, so we have asked that they not give us any further gifts; if they are desperate to give something, we’ve asked that it be put away directly in trust for the children’s education instead of coming to us.

My parents won't even lend me money for a new bed when I'm currently sleeping on a mattress on the floor... let alone just give me money and they are very well off. 😂 I need to find a new family clearly!