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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do your parents / PIL give you money?

402 replies

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 18:58

I’m not sure what I’m asking really but here goes.

My DH and I are comfortably off, good professional jobs and a nice lifestyle. We’re not loaded but we live in SW London and have been largely unaffected by the pandemic.

I don’t have parents anymore and my upbringing was dysfunctional so I’m not sure how normal parents behave.

DH’s parents keep giving us money - fairly large sums. We never ask for it and don’t ‘need’ it but it’s usually for something as a gift. Eg. We needed a new front door. We were saving for it but they said they’d like to buy it. Then they thought the porch needed doing (it did) so offered to pay for that too.

Now MIL wants to talk to me and I know she’s going to offer to pay for a new patio as I was talking to her about getting it priced up and saving for it.

PIL are very nice, kind and VERY easygoing people. They don’t try to control us or anything. I think they just want to spread their good fortune a bit but it feels odd somehow?

I’m 43 - surely parents stop this stuff if you’re old and solvent as we are?

So YABU - parents like to do this if they can - just enjoy it.

YANBU - it’s unusual and no parents I know fund their solvent adults home improvements so you should stop taking the money

OP posts:
proopher · 10/04/2021 22:40

My grandma gave my parents a lot of money. She wasn't wealthy, but had more disposable income than them. Many of my childhood holidays wouldn't have been possible without her.

My parents, despite having a lower household income than me and my OP, still pay for meals out we have together - we offer but they insist. They also give us significant amounts for birthday and Christmas. They insist on this and say they want to.

I will do the same for my children when they're adults, given I can afford it. It is 'the way of things' in my family.

TedMullins · 10/04/2021 22:42

I wasn’t saying anyone here did expect it, just giving my personal stance.

I think what I’m most shocked about is how many people’s parents have tens of thousands of £ stashed away that they can afford to do this. Parents with that kind of money certainly isn’t my experience or that of most of my friends

Happycat1212 · 10/04/2021 22:44

Yeh that’s true people won’t talk about it in real life. My mum isn’t generous at all she doesn’t spend any money on me other than Xmas/birthdays so I don’t get little treats either not that I expect it anyway. She’s also pretty tight when it comes to my kids and bought my daughter a £3 artificial plant for her birthday. Which I found a bit random. So I guess when you’ve not experience it personally it can be eye opening as some people’s parents seem to contribute a hell of a lot.

Sendsystemsucks · 10/04/2021 22:48

@proopher that tends to be how our family do it. My great grandparents paid for my mum's school shoes, my grandparents paid for mine and now my parents pay for my DCs and just silly little things like that.

Kottbullar · 10/04/2021 22:50

No, it's the other way round for my family, we pay for bits and bobs for my parents and sibling.

rjacksmiss · 10/04/2021 22:52

My mum isn't really "well off" but will always send money into my account for little things and I can't ever leave her house without a goodie bag of different foods, beauty products that she's picked up for me. She's so kind and generous. I wish I could repay her for her generosity but I'm not massively well off either

Saz12 · 10/04/2021 22:55

Honestly, I think it makes you a little childlike if you need / want parents to “help you out” with these gifts. I’m sure many will now be offended and tell me how their unearned income is somehow deserved.

MintLampShade · 10/04/2021 22:58

@Saz12

Honestly, I think it makes you a little childlike if you need / want parents to “help you out” with these gifts. I’m sure many will now be offended and tell me how their unearned income is somehow deserved.
You misunderstood. No one is expecting / wanting / needing anything. It's the parents' and in laws' desire to help out.
BustPipes · 10/04/2021 23:04

I give my dad money by standing order every month - have done for twelve years now. He doesn't have enough - I do. Not rolling in it, and we are saving up for a new front door, amongst many other things (the horror! the fecklessness! the lack of solvency!) but month on month, he needs it more than I do.
When you love someone, you do the things you know will make their life better (within reason). Got to spread the good stuff - the bad stuff has a nasty habit of finding its own way into every nook and cranny soon enough.

Goldieloxx · 10/04/2021 23:07

Yes both sets of parents give us money, despite us both earning good salaries, last year we were given 25k to put towards the mortgage for example. Both sets of parents are well off and would be offended by us saying no, and we know how lucky we are

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 10/04/2021 23:07

@Saz12

Honestly, I think it makes you a little childlike if you need / want parents to “help you out” with these gifts. I’m sure many will now be offended and tell me how their unearned income is somehow deserved.
I don’t need it and have never expressed any desire for it. My dad wants to do it and it makes him happy, so I say ‘thank you very much’ and accept it, as is polite. I will pay it forward to my own children.
Circumlocutious · 10/04/2021 23:09

How nice it must be to receive money with the ‘no strings attached’ caveat. Unfortunately that’s not the case with PiL so we accept very little.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 10/04/2021 23:10

And no, it isn’t ‘deserved’ at all. My own income is deserved, I work hard for it. I don’t ‘deserve’ the money by dad chooses to give me.
But it is his choice, and he ‘deserves’ to use his money in the way in which he chooses. If he chose to spend it on fast cars, that would be absolutely fine too.

alliejay81 · 10/04/2021 23:17

Yes, my mum and dad do this sometimes. I'm one of three.

Before he retired my dad used to give us money if had a bigger than expected bonus. They often insist on buying school uniform etc.

He also kept giving us cash in lockdown and high given me and my bother work for the NHS and my sis was on mat leave didn't really make a lot of sense.

I don't need the money and haven't for many years. But it makes them happy and they don't use it to control me, so I just take their money with good Grace.

Cherrysoup · 10/04/2021 23:18

I’m going to bring up HMRC again (twice in one day!). You can give away £3K annually, in total, not per child. You can give more for weddings etc. You need to consider the 7 year claw back that will be looked at if a parent dies (sorry)

Tigerstripe20 · 10/04/2021 23:22

I am eternally grateful to my parents for the money they have given me , it helped me take a lower paid job when my previous job nearly gave me a breakdown.
Not large amounts but enough to make up for my wage shortfall.

They are generous to us ( me and DH on birthdays and Christmas) DH does a lot of practical jobs for them which gives me peace of mind that they aren’t being taken advantage
I never knew PIL

SinisterBumFacedCat · 10/04/2021 23:23

My DM is very well off and doesn’t give us a bean. It’s honestly a struggle to get her to pay up if she owes us. No birthday or Christmas presents either but is happy to accept help and care. Just says I will inherit when she dies but I think that is highly unlikely.

ILs are more generous but have much less. By which I mean at Christmas.

If I can I intend to help my kids financially, generational poverty is a major issue and will only get worse.

MumofSpud · 10/04/2021 23:45

My parents are v generous:

  • paying off our mortgage when they downsized.
  • paying DS' uni fees
  • always insisting on paying when out
We have never asked for money but they say they don't want it going on inheritance tax Years ago I / we used to refuse (honestly we did!) but gave up
atomicnotsoblonde · 11/04/2021 00:08

Wow. This thread is another world to me. My parents are comfortable, multiple foreign holidays etc, however they would never, ever gift money/treats/spoil my children/I in this way. It's up to them of course abs is never expect anything ftt try on them. We don't get on particularly well and I'm so glad I'm not beholden in any way.

jessstan2 · 11/04/2021 00:48

@Cherrysoup

I’m going to bring up HMRC again (twice in one day!). You can give away £3K annually, in total, not per child. You can give more for weddings etc. You need to consider the 7 year claw back that will be looked at if a parent dies (sorry)
Thanks for that. It certainly needs consideration. At the moment you have to pay inheritance tax on anything over £325,000 I think, unless the threshold has gone up. That's half my very modest house.
Pinkyavocado · 11/04/2021 00:50

We give our grown up children money. Enjoy as it obviously gives them pleasure x

OfaFrenchmind2 · 11/04/2021 00:54

I am 33yo with a very comfortable salary and not a lot of big expenses, and my parents like to give me money whenever I see them (not much this year of course, they are abroad).
I tell them I blow it on cocaine and prostitutes to get them to stop and use it for themselves, but they don't listen :)
Enjoy it, keep an eye on their own lifestyle to make sure they do not need it. But sometimes our parents just want to spoil us, and I think it is lovely.

Changingwiththetimes · 11/04/2021 00:59

My parents gave us a share if they sold something valuable. My friends parents pay for her kids schooling and holidays abroad- I guess she figures why not? They couldn't afford it otherwise.
As long as they are not putting themselves under financial difficulties then enjoy it.

Lollipity · 11/04/2021 02:11

Allow yourself to accept these gifts. You had a tough upbringing and I'm sure your DH's parents wouldn't offer if they didn't want to.

My parents, DSM and PIL have been generous - I had a large discount when I bought a house from DF, random cash gifts for DC from DM and money for wedding gifts from PIL. We are currently on a holiday paid by DSM - she booked, I transferred the money and she transferred it straight back. We hope to do the same for our DC one day.

Thamigumathacharaid · 11/04/2021 07:15

I don't have parents but DP's parents have given us money on occasion. We've never asked for it but as they keep saying, they have more than enough and would like to help us out. Things are a bit tight for us at the moment and they're currently buying all of the necessary things for our baby that's due in five weeks. The did the same for my partner's sister and have offered the same for us. Not only does it make our lives easier, financially but it's also one less thing to be worried about